For introvert DJs here, is there a way to show high social value during group outings?

[Nikar]

I'm an introvert myself and always found it hard to show high social value when I'm in a mixed group of girls and guys.

During such situations, the extroverted alpha guys are the ones doing and leading the convo, and I'm sure those of you introverts here can agree on this. What happens is that introverts like me end up being a wallpaper and get lost and fades into the background.
Girls are always drawn to the extroverted guys.

Is there some way to fix this other than to "get more extroverted"? As far as I understand, it's not possible to "convert" from intro to extro personality. I did try prev, but always feels fake, un-natural and try-hard.

Where I shine is always in 1 to 1 situations, where I can easily relate and connect with the girl, but in groups.....no. In fact, I got to know my female friends through 1-to-1, somehow isolating them, but such cases are really rare, especially if my type of girls are the more extroverted lively types.

The thing is, in reality, group outings are the most common, and you isolate the girl from there etc, but if introverts like me are already being dominated by extrovert alphas, girls already see us as low social value.

 

[wifehunter]

INTJ here...

Practice the art of conversation and having fun, in a social setting... I've been told, at times, that I am the life of the party.

Sometimes, one word can make everyone laugh hysterically. Let them warm up with the extroverts, then move in.

 

[SeymourCake]

From the Book of Pook

Extroverted Nice Guys have more success then introverted Don Juans.

 

[wifehunter]

From the Book of Pook

Extroverted Nice Guys have more success then introverted Don Juans.

Introverts can learn! It just takes extra energy, and you have to be in the groove/mood.

It's a rush, to get all that attention. It gets old quick, though. Joking ironically works best for me.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I also have an introverted personality and it was a little difficult at times when I was around 19-20 trying to "fit in" sometimes among friends to get engaged in group conversation. Every time I ever went out was with the goal of trying to get laid; I didn't care about other activities and junk my friends had planned. I just wanted to know where the girls would be and lets go there. When we did, we went as a group and met groups of girls. It was tough because you're with extroverts, yet they're your friends, what do you do?

Well at that age you're also learning about yourself, and that's what I had to do.

It's sort of the same advice given here about a girl trying to play hockey with men (she'd get killed) or a man trying to play head games with women (he'd get slaughtered). There are some thing you just aren't going to win at, so you need to find some other avenue of success for yourself. I soon found out that when I was with my group of guys, I needed to peel away from them and be by myself just enjoying a drink or whatever and see who strolls up, or I'd do the same on another girl. Over time I've found that I just tend to work better on my own or if it must be in a group, the group must be small, like no more than 6 people total.

You'll figure out what works for you. Just keep trying.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Introverts can learn! It just takes extra energy, and you have to be in the groove/mood.

It's a rush, to get all that attention. It gets old quick, though. Joking ironically works best for me.

This is no sh!t the absolute truth right here. Even today as an adult and knowing I have an introverted personality, being "sociable" around other people, and being what they would consider normal, takes a lot of energy out of me. For example if I'm invited to a friend's (extrovert) home for dinner, I can keep up the "normal" sociable behavior for about 2 hours than I just start to shut down. It takes extra energy for me to be like that.

 

[Von]

I am the same... sometimes ''i can be the conversation leader'' but most of the time, I am in introvert.... my display of ''value'' is often 1on1..... in a social setting the more i know the people or I feel connected to them the more open I get....

It's difficult... learn some lines etc... or stay consistent with who you are.... so you don't confuse your audience.... ''like this guys was the life of a party yesterday, now he's asocial''.

Learn some jokes

 

[Bible_Belt]

Having a motorcycle helps a lot. Girls see the jacket, or me carrying a helmet, and they'll be the extroverted one who makes effort to talk to me. Maybe not a lot, but enough to show interest.

That's the other thing. You need to be good at picking up indications of interest. Look for the girl who is bored with the extrovert alphas. I've always liked the smart, wallflower/librarian type girls anyway.

 

[Building_and_Loan]

It's a battle I'll probably always fight, but ultimately I've realized I probably won't excel in most of those situations. I used to be shy, quiet, and introverted, but now I'm just introverted, which is ok. I know I can light up a crowd if given a chance.

Also, it helps to work out. I've gotten noticeably bigger over the past year through going to the gym regularly, and it helps when I wear a nice shirt and girls notice it fits me well, and give signals I can pick up on to feel confident about engaging them.

Looks alone won't help you though, girls are always more drawn to the extroverts. It is what it is. My advice would be to join groups (volunteering, school, professional networking) and just practice being out of your comfort zone by engaging lots of people. It has helped me a lot.

 

[Serenity]

I used to consider myself an introvert, I don't think that's true anymore. I didn't try to change my personality, that angle of approach is frustrating. It won't help to tell you to be more extroverted if you don't understand what goes into it.

Groups is similar to 1 on 1, the difference is that you move attention from one to the next talker. Don't drift away, get overwhelmed and lose focus. Nail your focus to the one person talking, forget the rest of the group. If another starts talking just move your attention. Then you soft interrupt and respond to the topic like you would with only one person. Don't compete for attention, let others talk until you have something good to share.

I find groups to be an advantage. If I run out of things to say and gotta have some time to figure it out I can move the others attention to someone else. In a one on one it can quickly die out if both have nothing on their mind.

 

[Huffman]

Your idea of showing social value seems to be "standing around and letting the girls admire the goods", and let me guess, you're trying to go against some really awesome dudes. Don't try to fight with other guys for attention, even if you could it would look bad.

Instead, you should do a "split" whenever you feel left out. If one guy is talking and 5 are listening - he can't really target everybody at once. It's perfectly acceptable to start speaking to the person next to you, which will make them turn towards you. Boom, you now have 2 groups talking. If you really need to, isolate your group, move a bit, start 1on1 time.

The real problem is that what you describe as "extroverts" are people who always seem to have fun, so wherever they go, people will want to join them. It may be possible that you don't offer much in that regard. Maybe you come off as downbeat. I'm just projecting of course - have you looked for different causes of your unpopularity?

 

[wifehunter]

I've always liked the smart, wallflower/librarian type girls anyway.

Definately my type! There's this stunning new blonde at my library. She's got to be 18 or 19 tops. We locked eyes one day. Now she hovers when I'm in certain parts of the library. I may have to get her name sometime!

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Instead, you should do a "split" whenever you feel left out. If one guy is talking and 5 are listening - he can't really target everybody at once. It's perfectly acceptable to start speaking to the person next to you, which will make them turn towards you. Boom, you now have 2 groups talking. If you really need to, isolate your group, move a bit, start 1on1 time.

I really love this suggestion. Absolute great piece of advice here.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Less hampster & zero f*cks given! I use to think I was intro. I probably lean more towards ambivert but can definitely relate. If it's your social crowd (friends) you are already showing HSS.

 

[wifehunter]

One other thing that help skyrocket my social circle, is simply saying "hi" and remembering names.

 

[Tictac]

One other thing that help skyrocket my social circle, is simply saying "hi" and remembering names.

It's the little things.

It amazes me that anyone expects attention from others while not offering it to others. How hard isn't it to say something simple to people and remember their name? Yet, the dividends are both immediate and continuing.

 

[wifehunter]

Learn some jokes

I think it's more important to know how jokes are made, and what "funny" is. That way, you'll never run out of jokes.

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime.

 

[wifehunter]

It's the little things.

It amazes me that anyone expects attention from others while not offering it to others. How hard isn't it to say something simple to people and remember their name? Yet, the dividends are both immediate and continuing.

Just today, I ran into a lady I know, at a bus stop. She's latina hot! dark skin, skinny, curvy not fat at all. She comes off a bit stuck up to everyone normally, but still wants to talk to me. Go figure!

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think it's more important to know how jokes are made, and what "funny" is. That way, you'll never run out of jokes.

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime.

Good point. The right kind of funny is "funny to me." I made the joke because it entertains me. If someone else laughs, fine, but I don't really care either way.

The bad kind of funny is juggling clown riding a unicycle kind of funny. "Look at me! Please laugh! I'll do anything."

 

[Glumix]

The thing is, in reality, group outings are the most common, and you isolate the girl from there etc, but if introverts like me are already being dominated by extrovert alphas, girls already see us as low social value.

You guys have to redefine what you think are introversion and extraversion.

Introverted people tend to lose their energy while being with people while extroverts gain energy when they interact with people.

Introverts are not necessarily shy or reluctant to have social interactions. Do not confuse your shyness or reluctance to speak in a group with introversion. It's absolutely not the same thing.

Sure introversion did not help you to naturally become a great public speaker but it's only because, as it makes you lose your energy, you naturally avoided those situations. That does not mean you cannot be a great orator, you just have to train harder and push yourself and then take some rest alone in your cave.

Extroverts tend to be reactive and bad thinkers. They have to train thinking while you have to train speaking. Quiet strength can be really powerful.

So push yourself, learn comedy or go to improvisational theater lessons. Those are great places to meet women by the way.

You just have to learn it.

Abraham Lincoln was an introvert. Just think about it...