Feelings of regret and constant urges to contact her

[Glumix]

I feel totally defeated. In a weak moment, I checked her blog (after not doing so in almost 2 months, she doesn't know I have the address). She is sleeping with the new guy. She seems fine and no longer writes about me.

I can't believe how much this has affected me. How much I let it affect me. How much I still want this girl back. I didn't know it was possible to get this low.

Very good man !

Now you know everything you wanted to know. Hopefuly you are not going to get lower except if you start calling her and begging and crawling like a doormat, a loser. What did you except? That she was going to write a novel about you?

Seriously, I reread your previous thread about that 18 y.o. girl who went to a man twice her age and accepted a marriage after 1 month relationship. Let's talk about how hysterical she became sometimes, the screaming in the street, jumping in fountains being drunk, texting other guys because she cannot handle her own life and she is bored, lying about the weight pill, accusing her own mother, etc...

You have a passion for her beauty and you are losing yourself for that passion. You suffer from an obsession and you confuse that obsession with love. You CANNOT love somebody you are obsessed by. You cannot love when there is fear. And there is fear because you forget your self-worth and you let your ego commands your emotions.

Right now, you only lost a girl (not a woman) you will easily replace but losing your self-esteem will be much harder to repair.

Since you break-up you did NOTHING to get over it. It's time to start, man up and build yourself a life.

 

[Yewki]

I feel totally defeated. In a weak moment, I checked her blog (after not doing so in almost 2 months, she doesn't know I have the address). She is sleeping with the new guy. She seems fine and no longer writes about me.

I can't believe how much this has affected me. How much I let it affect me. How much I still want this girl back. I didn't know it was possible to get this low.

There are plenty of women out there who are better than your ex. Go find them.

 

[kronreiff]

OP, you've lost your game, self, and self confidence. Time to start from scratch. Get your game together and start fvcking again, and stop looking back at the mirage that just did you an enormous favor.

 

[searching solace]

Very good man !

Now you know everything you wanted to know. Hopefuly you are not going to get lower except if you start calling her and begging and crawling like a doormat, a loser. What did you except? That she was going to write a novel about you?

Seriously, I reread your previous thread about that 18 y.o. girl who went to a man twice her age and accepted a marriage after 1 month relationship. Let's talk about how hysterical she became sometimes, the screaming in the street, jumping in fountains being drunk, texting other guys because she cannot handle her own life and she is bored, lying about the weight pill, accusing her own mother, etc...

You have a passion for her beauty and you are losing yourself for that passion. You suffer from an obsession and you confuse that obsession with love. You CANNOT love somebody you are obsessed by. You cannot love when there is fear. And there is fear because you forget your self-worth and you let your ego commands your emotions.

Right now, you only lost a girl (not a woman) you will easily replace but losing your self-esteem will be much harder to repair.

Since you break-up you did NOTHING to get over it. It's time to start, man up and build yourself a life.

I just didn't expect her to move on so quickly and be able to cut me out of her life so easily (probably for someone else), but not before blaming it on me.

And yes, I've been re-reading that thread, too. It was accurate at the time, which was 2-3 years ago. But since, she seemed to mature a lot, exceed in her studies, get her sh*t together, get healthy. I stuck around through the hard times and then got complacent, and now this guy is getting the less 'crazy' version.

I thought I was doing OK, but I had a bad day today, cracked and checked her tumblr. How did I not realise all these feelings sooner and make her feel like more of a priority? She even wanted to visit me at christmas but I said I'd be seeing family instead. I could have avoided all of this.

I'd love to see how my life would have turned out had we stayed together.

 

[Asmodeus]

I just didn't expect her to move on so quickly and be able to cut me out of her life so easily (probably for someone else), but not before blaming it on me.

And yes, I've been re-reading that thread, too. It was accurate at the time, which was 2-3 years ago. But since, she seemed to mature a lot, exceed in her studies, get her sh*t together, get healthy. I stuck around through the hard times and then got complacent, and now this guy is getting the less 'crazy' version.

Nope, some people never change. You are again pedestalizing her. You have one of the worst cases of oneitis I have ever seen. Dr. Asmodeus prescribes that you need to get you some pvssy to help you think straight. This b!tch is not special, there are hundreds, thousands, hell millions of women who are better than her. She was manipulative, she was a cvnt, she still is and you cannot see past your delusional infatuation enough to see the reality.

 

[Tictac]

I thought I was doing OK, but I had a bad day today, cracked and checked her tumblr. How did I not realise all these feelings sooner and make her feel like more of a priority? She even wanted to visit me at christmas but I said I'd be seeing family instead. I could have avoided all of this.

I'd love to see how my life would have turned out had we stayed together.

Yer done bud. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, oughta, mighta doesn't do a thing for you.

The best you're going to do here is learn the lesson and not make the same mistakes again.

And stop stalking her through social media. That's pathetic.

 

[Infern0]

You are in a similar (but worse) condition than I am.

You need to accept that cluster b is a no win scenario. I was "responsible" for the last breakup with mine because I couldn't trust her.

But I couldn't trust her because she was inherently untrustworthy. She lied and cheated over and over again.

Mine came back and hoovered me 4 months after I went NC.

By that point I was 3 months into serious weight training, had mostly recovered from her and was looking and feeling good again.

Anyways I was at the mall with a friend one day and I seen her walking towards us and I looked away, my friend said she stopped in the middle of the mall and stared at me as I walked away. She looked DREADFUL.

Anyway my friend said I should call her and ask if she's OK but I was like are you kidding! But that night against my better judgement I did text her, she called back within 10 seconds and within an hour I was making out with her in my driveway. And that was it for me, another 6 months down the drain. She behaved for a while but as soon as she made up with her friends and met a new dude at a party I went back to being lower than whale ****.

Stay away from her, trust me

 

[Yewki]

I'd love to see how my life would have turned out had we stayed together.

You broke up 3 months ago. The idea that your life would have "turned out" to be something great in that time because of a girl no less is actually pretty funny.

Want to know a good way to stop pedestalizing girls? Go get a new one. Then your life will be back to where it was and you'll realize once again that girls are not some magical key to happiness.

 

[searching solace]

Nope, some people never change. You are again pedestalizing her. You have one of the worst cases of oneitis I have ever seen. Dr. Asmodeus prescribes that you need to get you some pvssy to help you think straight. This b!tch is not special, there are hundreds, thousands, hell millions of women who are better than her. She was manipulative, she was a cvnt, she still is and you cannot see past your delusional infatuation enough to see the reality.

Some people yeah, but she may have and it does look that way. Can a 3 year relationship with someone you love be classed as oneitis? I have other potential options, I just have no interest in becoming involved with anyone else right now. It has crossed my mind that she set my standards too high, physically.

Maybe she is just learning to control her behaviour and not let it all out at once like she did in those first 6 months. I honestly believe she will become really quite famous in her profession very soon, she will be big.

You are in a similar (but worse) condition than I am.

You need to accept that cluster b is a no win scenario. I was "responsible" for the last breakup with mine because I couldn't trust her.

But I couldn't trust her because she was inherently untrustworthy. She lied and cheated over and over again.

Mine came back and hoovered me 4 months after I went NC.

By that point I was 3 months into serious weight training, had mostly recovered from her and was looking and feeling good again.

Anyways I was at the mall with a friend one day and I seen her walking towards us and I looked away, my friend said she stopped in the middle of the mall and stared at me as I walked away. She looked DREADFUL.

Anyway my friend said I should call her and ask if she's OK but I was like are you kidding! But that night against my better judgement I did text her, she called back within 10 seconds and within an hour I was making out with her in my driveway. And that was it for me, another 6 months down the drain. She behaved for a while but as soon as she made up with her friends and met a new dude at a party I went back to being lower than whale ****.

Stay away from her, trust me

I guess yours was diagnosed? That must give you a massive peace of mind - knowing that it was doomed regardless and that she was the problem. Mine wasn't, so I'm constantly wondering and doubting whether she was or not. I question my own behaviour too.

But yeah, same thing with the trust issues. She would lie really quite pathologically, from the start - about her mother being dead when she wasn't, that she was a virgin, about taking harmful weight loss pills, about having a huge amount of money, being abused, etc. That's why I broke up with her the first time. She did try to change her lying after that though and I almost trusted her at the end.

I'll try and continue to stay away. No chance of a hoover for me as we live in different countries and she is completely done this time.

You broke up 3 months ago. The idea that your life would have "turned out" to be something great in that time because of a girl no less is actually pretty funny.

Want to know a good way to stop pedestalizing girls? Go get a new one. Then your life will be back to where it was and you'll realize once again that girls are not some magical key to happiness.

I mean in the future, not just the past 3 months! It would be interesting to get a glimpse of what things would have been like 5, 10, 15 years down the line.

 

[Yewki]

Can a 3 year relationship with someone you love be classed as oneitis?

It would be interesting to get a glimpse of what things would have been like 5, 10, 15 years down the line.

A) The relationship is over. It's been over. So yes it's definitely oneitis

B) Please stop expecting a girl to have a big impact on the success of your life

 

[Infern0]

Yes mine was diagnosed in 2012, did 3 weeks of DBT then quit because it was "too hard". She has recently been to a psych so I've heard and she had told me last time I spoke to her that she wants to get better.

Odds of her sticking with it AND it working in a measurable way?

Id put it at 1000/1

She will meet a new victim, idealize them, think she doesn't need therapy and quit again.

Anyway the diagnosis isn't as important as the behaviour, you have seen what yours can be like. Is she someone you could rely on when the chips are down? If you have a run of bad luck? If times get hard?

No

She's the type who will take the first better offer every time.

Don't worry how she's acting now, these predators get better at perfecting their act as they mature. They learn, adapt, and become better at what they do.

The new guy will end up hurt worse than you because her new, more advanced routine will suck him in even more and cause more shock when the hammer falls.

 

[searching solace]

Don't worry how she's acting now, these predators get better at perfecting their act as they mature. They learn, adapt, and become better at what they do.

The new guy will end up hurt worse than you because her new, more advanced routine will suck him in even more and cause more shock when the hammer falls.

That's crazy that you just said that. I was just considering the same thing. That maybe the new guy won't get an 'improved version' of her, but rather a version of her that is now more adept at lying, more behaved and poised, a more advanced routine as you say. She is very intelligent.

If she is personality disordered, that could be a possibility. Quite scary when you think about it. The new guy has big issues too so I guess they'll be a decent match.

 

[Infern0]

That's crazy that you just said that. I was just considering the same thing. That maybe the new guy won't get an 'improved version' of her, but rather a version of her that is now more adept at lying, more behaved and poised, a more advanced routine as you say. She is very intelligent.

If she is personality disordered, that could be a possibility. Quite scary when you think about it. The new guy has big issues too so I guess they'll be a decent match.

The guy who came after me got it worse than I did.

She kept her crazy behaviour a lot more under control than she did with me, so where I could see there was something wrong with her he honestly had no idea.

She got him to get a new apartment which she moved into and he paid for. She got him to pay for a vacation to Hawaii, and countless new clothes and jewelry, repairs on her car etc etc.

This all lasted for about 4 months, he wanted to marry her and suddenly she got bored and started cheating on him, leaving little breadcrumbs for him to find, but no solid proof.

she gaslit him to the point he lost control and punched a hole in the wall out of rage, at that point she left and painted him as an unstable, abusive jerk, when the reality was he was just a naieve "nice guy" who thought he could buy her love. The saddest part is he never caught on to her being BPD as she was very controlled and subtle, and he actually believed the gas lighting and went to anger management etc and still to this day thinks it was his fault and he lost the love of his life because of his actions.

The dude went from high as a kite to literally in hospital hooked up to an iv within 5 months.

 

[searching solace]

The guy who came after me got it worse than I did.

She kept her crazy behaviour a lot more under control than she did with me, so where I could see there was something wrong with her he honestly had no idea.

She got him to get a new apartment which she moved into and he paid for. She got him to pay for a vacation to Hawaii, and countless new clothes and jewelry, repairs on her car etc etc.

This all lasted for about 4 months, he wanted to marry her and suddenly she got bored and started cheating on him, leaving little breadcrumbs for him to find, but no solid proof.

she gaslit him to the point he lost control and punched a hole in the wall out of rage, at that point she left and painted him as an unstable, abusive jerk, when the reality was he was just a naieve "nice guy" who thought he could buy her love. The saddest part is he never caught on to her being BPD as she was very controlled and subtle, and he actually believed the gas lighting and went to anger management etc and still to this day thinks it was his fault and he lost the love of his life because of his actions.

The dude went from high as a kite to literally in hospital hooked up to an iv within 5 months.

Damn. How do you know everything that happened between them? They can be so good at assigning blame.

A similar kind of thing happened after mine got engaged to a much older guy around 4 months after our first breakup. He moved her in straight away (her parents were glad to have someone to palm her off onto and take care of her for them), got engaged after a month. Then 2 months later, she left him out of the blue to come back to me.

She showed me the emails she sent to him ending it. He was in disbelief that it was the same person he'd 'been falling madly in love with' for the previous months. She didn't want to give back the ring either. At the time I was just happy to have her back, but the way she handled things made me pretty uneasy.

 

[Infern0]

Damn. How do you know everything that happened between them? They can be so good at assigning blame.

A similar kind of thing happened after mine got engaged to a much older guy around 4 months after our first breakup. He moved her in straight away (her parents were glad to have someone to palm her off onto and take care of her for them), got engaged after a month. Then 2 months later, she left him out of the blue to come back to me.

She showed me the emails she sent to him ending it. He was in disbelief that it was the same person he'd 'been falling madly in love with' for the previous months. She didn't want to give back the ring either. At the time I was just happy to have her back, but the way she handled things made me pretty uneasy.

For one, I was the guy she cheated on him with.

She showed me texts, and was posting pics of the stuff he bought her (not of him) on her social media.

For two we have mutual friends who kept me up to date.

In the end I could trade war stories all day but at some point you have to move on man

No win

Remember that

No win

 

[searching solace]

I feel like sending her an email. I want her to know what I've been going through recently, how much it all affected me. How much blame and regret I have shouldered because of it all. Not to make her feel guilty, but so she knows how much it all meant to me and how much it all affected me. She always felt like I never cared enough, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I want her to know. I wouldn't even want a response.

Would that be a bad idea?

I thought by this stage, I'd feel relieved to be out of it, that I'd had a lucky escape, that my future would have been bleak had I stayed with her.. but I still don't. I still feel like it's a massive loss.

 

[Tictac]

I feel like sending her an email. I want her to know what I've been going through recently, how much it all affected me. How much blame and regret I have shouldered because of it all. Not to make her feel guilty, but so she knows how much it all meant to me and how much it all affected me. She always felt like I never cared enough, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I want her to know. I wouldn't even want a response.

Would that be a bad idea?

I thought by this stage, I'd feel relieved to be out of it, that I'd had a lucky escape, that my future would have been bleak had I stayed with her.. but I still don't. I still feel like it's a massive loss.

That's just your ego. If you can't control it and want to go on a pointless ride, go full feminine and share your feelings.

 

[Glumix]

Yeah, try it.
That will be a good experience anyways.

And don't forget to report.

 

[Yewki]

She always felt like I never cared enough, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

If did care for her so much, why did she leave multiple times before this and why did you think your future would be bleak if you stayed with her?

 

[searching solace]

If did care for her so much, why did she leave multiple times before this and why did you think your future would be bleak if you stayed with her?

She never left for real before this. Our first breakup I initiated because of all the drama and lies during the first 6 months (we also lived together during this time). This is the first time she ended it and really carried through with it, went NC etc.

I always felt the future would be difficult with her partly because of her domineering parents and extremely controlling mother (who wanted me to be her agent/music manager) who would have always been part of the package (she still lives with her). During those first 6 months, her Mum used to call me sometimes 6 times a day and once showed up at my office in tears after her daughter painted her black for a while. She was obsessed with her. Her father was much more distant.

So I just felt like I'd have to weather this dynamic to be with her.