Being interested, how? I don't care about anyone!

[Huffman]

Hey, I know that in order to connect with somebody you need to talk to them (duh), listen to them talk, get them to open up etc etc. After establishing yourself as a cool guy, you need to be genuinely interested in them, no matter if it's girls or just friendly guys.

However these days - I'm so bored talking to people! I can do some small talk but whatever they say just doesn't interest me in the least!

Let me give an example, I'm at a party, there's 6 people in my vicinity: 1 hot girl, 2 mediocre girls, 3 bland guys. So as I'm standing there I'm going for the hot girl, but maybe she's locked in convo with someone else (I can't hog her all the time), so I just stand there bored. I will start smalltalk with the bland guys but I've already classified them as worthless and just have zero interest. Whenever somebody starts talking, after 3 words I already think "I know what you're getting at, I think it's crap, I'm bored waiting for you to finish talking". Everybody tells dull stories about their job, their kids, video games, their boring vacation... uuuuuuh.
So if I can't make anything happen with the girl I just leave because I just can't think of anything fun with the others.

So far, fine, but this is why I rarely make friends. I'm even getting bored with my closest friends of old. I have loads of acquaintances and I always have the balls to chat anyone up, but deep inside I just don't care about anyone - unless they surprise me with some really intelligent sh1t.

Wait a minute, what does this guy want then?
Same as everybody else, I want to have friends, feel accepted, do stuff together etc. Which is why I want to get to know people... but then again I'm a proud loner and this is kinda sabotaging myself. I can't figure it out, what's my problem? Other than being an elitist prick...

 

[Von]

Oh i feel the same... if they dont bring money i dont care.

If you work in a "social" job... its normal during vacation you dont wanna socialize

Just build yourself, socialize where there is activities you passionnate about.... you want people who make you growth, or use them for your benefit in the right setting.

Otherwise, always thing/believe they can bring you something

 

[LiveYourDream]

Wait a minute, what does this guy want then?
Same as everybody else, I want to have friends, feel accepted, do stuff together etc. Which is why I want to get to know people... but then again I'm a proud loner and this is kinda sabotaging myself. I can't figure it out, what's my problem? Other than being an elitist prick...

You cannot reasonably expect to have a healthy fulfilling social life, of getting to know people, having friends, and getting together and doing activities, and at the same time, be (in your own choice words) a "proud loner," "elitist prick" who is "sabotaging himself."

Pretending the problem is something other than what it is, will never resolve it and will never bring you the change, you say you desire. Be willing to change and do the work needed, or accept the consequences of choosing to remain the same. Either way, own your choice and the results you are choosing.

 

[Billtx49]

You are on the fence between one thing and another thing. Choose what you want and go for it. The only losers in war are those that refuse to engage or do not know what they want.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Read Siddhartha my Herman Hesse, and let your elitist self go. Also Nietzsche has some aphorism about this in Beyond Good and Evil, aphorism 26 if you want to look up the german edition.

"Every choice human being strives instinctively for a citadel and secrecy where he is rescued from the crowds, the many, the vast majority; where, as the exception, he can forget the human norm. The only exception is when he is driven straight towards this norm by an even stronger instinct, in search of knowledge in the great and exceptional sense. Anybody who, in dealing with people, does not occasionally glisten in all the shades of distress, green and gray with disgust, weariness, pity, gloominess, and loneliness – he is certainly not a person of higher taste. But if he does not freely take on all this effort and pain, if he keeps avoiding it and remains, as I said, placid and proud and hidden in his citadel, well then one thing is certain: he is not made for knowledge, not predestined for it. Because if he were, he would eventually have to say to himself: “To hell with good taste! The norm is more interesting than the exception – than me, the exception!” – and he would wend his way downwards, and, above all, “inwards.” The long and serious study of the average man requires a great deal of disguise, self-overcoming, confidentiality, bad company (all company is bad company except with your equals); still, this is all a necessary part of the life story of every philosopher, perhaps the least pleasant, most foul-smelling part and the one richest in disappointments. But if he is lucky, as befits knowledge’s child of fortune, the philosopher will find real shortcuts and aids to make his work easier. I mean he will find so-called cynics – people who easily recognize the animal, the commonplace, the “norm” within themselves, and yet still have a degree of spiritedness and  Beyond Good and Evil an urge to talk about themselves and their peers in front of witnesses: – sometimes they even wallow in books as if in their own filth. Cynicism is the only form in which base souls touch upon that thing which is genuine honesty. And the higher man needs to open his ears to all cynicism, crude or refined, and congratulate himself every time the buffoon speaks up without shame, or the scientific satyr is heard right in front of him. There are even cases where enchantment mixes with disgust: namely, where genius, by a whim of nature, is tied to some indiscreet billy-goat and ape, like the Abbe Galiani, the most profound, discerning, and perhaps ´ also the filthiest man of his century. He was much more profound than Voltaire, and consequently a lot quieter. But, as I have already suggested, what happens more often is that the scientific head is placed on an ape’s body, a more subtle and exceptional understanding is put in a base soul. This is not a rare phenomenon, particularly among physicians and physiologists of morals. And wherever even one person is speaking about man without any bitterness but instead quite innocuously, describing him as a stomach with dual needs and a head with one; wherever someone sees and seeks and wants to see only hunger, sex-drive and vanity, as if these were the sole and genuine motivating forces of human action; in short, wherever somebody is speaking “badly” of people – and not even wickedly – this is where the lover of knowledge should listen with subtle and studious attention. He should keep his ears open wherever people are speaking without anger. Because the angry man, and anyone who is constantly tearing and shredding himself with his own teeth (or, in place of himself, the world, or God, or society), may very well stand higher than the laughing and selfsatisfied satyr, considered morally. But considered in any other way, he is the more ordinary, more indifferent, less instructive case. And nobody lies as much as the angry man. –"

 

[cola]

Not dissing you, but you sound a little arrogant to me. I think first you need to humble yourself. You are probably use to being the smartest guy in the room.
The smarter you are the more annoying you find small talk.
So obviously find a different room where people are more intellectual and talk about things that matter.

But when that's not an option ask people thought provoking questions to steer the conversation towards a topic that interests you.
You'll be suprised what some of those "bland" people have in that head of theirs.


Besides, you dont connect with people through small talk. You connect with them by getting to the core of what they are as a person. Small talks just a gateway.

"What do you like to do for fun"
"Oh, i like to travel"
"Where have you been? "
"Greece, Italy, Spain, Transylvania"
"Wow, ive been to Transylvania too"

Now you used small talk to find a common thread and you can have an actual convo.

Getit?

 

[Lozboss]

OP you need to experience EGO death.

You think you're the sh*t. Clearly you're not because you're on here asking for help.

So get off your high horse and actually engage with people, have some patience and open your mind. You may learn a thing or two, or find a friend.

 

[Tictac]

Why would anyone be interested in you if you aren't interested in them?

Get over yourself.

 

[Reykhel]

Hey, I know that in order to connect with somebody you need to talk to them (duh), listen to them talk, get them to open up etc etc. After establishing yourself as a cool guy, you need to be genuinely interested in them, no matter if it's girls or just friendly guys.

However these days - I'm so bored talking to people! I can do some small talk but whatever they say just doesn't interest me in the least!

Let me give an example, I'm at a party, there's 6 people in my vicinity: 1 hot girl, 2 mediocre girls, 3 bland guys. So as I'm standing there I'm going for the hot girl, but maybe she's locked in convo with someone else (I can't hog her all the time), so I just stand there bored. I will start smalltalk with the bland guys but I've already classified them as worthless and just have zero interest. Whenever somebody starts talking, after 3 words I already think "I know what you're getting at, I think it's crap, I'm bored waiting for you to finish talking". Everybody tells dull stories about their job, their kids, video games, their boring vacation... uuuuuuh.
So if I can't make anything happen with the girl I just leave because I just can't think of anything fun with the others.

So far, fine, but this is why I rarely make friends. I'm even getting bored with my closest friends of old. I have loads of acquaintances and I always have the balls to chat anyone up, but deep inside I just don't care about anyone - unless they surprise me with some really intelligent sh1t.

Wait a minute, what does this guy want then?
Same as everybody else, I want to have friends, feel accepted, do stuff together etc. Which is why I want to get to know people... but then again I'm a proud loner and this is kinda sabotaging myself. I can't figure it out, what's my problem? Other than being an elitist prick...

"so I just stand there bored. I will start smalltalk with the bland guys but I've already classified them as worthless and have zero interest"

In all honesty, you sound like an abhorrent bore.

You class people as worthless? Nice. Do you make it a habit to pass a little bit of sunshine wherever you go?.....oh wait.....your that black cloud that feels he's too good to interact with the common folk so you stand back and say everyone else is boring......deluded perspective. deluded frame. It's easy to say who cares what anyone else thinks, but I imagine they have an entirely different perspective about you than you have of yourself.....

If you're so interesting and better than everyone else you should never feel "bored", you should be able to make any social interaction interesting and energetic....

But guess what? It takes effort until it becomes natural...

But lets go with your frame of mind.....let's say they are all "below you" and uninteresting........what's stopping you from making the situation interesting.....what's stopping you from taking the piss a little...what's stopping you from being the one who leads the group socially......

You don't necessarily have to become all Dale Carnegie and become interested in the person and every word they say. Too much of that can come across as azz kissing....

It's like a lot of women who have not developed their personality beyond social media and
gossiping. You don't want to be hanging off her every word because you will eventually become bored....and so will she....and she will blame you because the conversation is not interesting...

....what you can do is become a little interested in her, and mock her and tease her for your own
self amusement........keeping an edge and fun to the conversation rather than kissing azz...

Friendship formula: Common interest, positive emotions, shared experience, time....

You have to give value........what you sound like right now is a self entitled taker........giving value is what you bring to the interaction........

.....even if you're only bring positive emotions, at least that's the charge that your giving.

 

[fastlife]

I honestly believe that every single person you meet has the potential to benefit your life--but it's up to you to find it. Whether that's experience and perspective you don't have, or some service they can offer you (maybe they own a towing company), or access to a new social circle. I don't believe anyone can possibly be as boring as they can seem to be (and usually I'm right), but it'll take a little effort upfront on your end to get them to open up to that level.

That may sound a little exploitative, but people love to be valued. On the average day, how many people do you meet actually give a **** about what you have to say? How many people are genuinely interested in understanding your life and your experience? That's right--none. So when people come across someone like me who wants to find value in them and elevate them to a level I can be interested in, they can't help but come up with something.

 

[Yewki]

Read Siddhartha my Herman Hesse, and let your elitist self go. Also Nietzsche has some aphorism about this in Beyond Good and Evil, aphorism 26 if you want to look up the german edition.

"Every choice human being...

I read the quote, he seems to argue regarding yourself as an exception and dismissing others as invaluable, or "ordinary," is not characteristic of higher taste but instead of someone not made for knowledge. Such a person may stand higher morally, but in every other way is actually more ordinary and less instructive (ouch). He argues the norm is more interesting than the exception, in that understanding the ordinary person is a demanding and self-overcoming process. For unspecified reasons, true knowledge in the great and exceptional sense is found only in the human norm. Also, apparently if you think you're an exception you must be angry... for some reason. Those that think they're exceptions are wrong, because they're angry and angry people lie.

Is that right? I'm asking because I didn't like it, but maybe I didn't understand.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I honestly believe that every single person you meet has the potential to benefit your life--but it's up to you to find it. Whether that's experience and perspective you don't have, or some service they can offer you (maybe they own a towing company), or access to a new social circle. I don't believe anyone can possibly be as boring as they can seem to be (and usually I'm right), but it'll take a little effort upfront on your end to get them to open up to that level.

That may sound a little exploitative, but people love to be valued. On the average day, how many people do you meet actually give a **** about what you have to say? How many people are genuinely interested in understanding your life and your experience? That's right--none. So when people come across someone like me who wants to find value in them and elevate them to a level I can be interested in, they can't help but come up with something.

The answer is not none, but it's obviously well under 20%. Many people only want to benefit themselves with your interactions. Others actually like your company and care about your well being. It's for you to filter appropriately.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

I read the quote, he seems to argue regarding yourself as an exception and dismissing others as invaluable, or "ordinary," is not characteristic of higher taste but instead of someone not made for knowledge
. It is a characteristic of higher taste, but not of a philosopher with higher taste. For example, you have guys on here that are obviously alpha guys, but can't stand the market, because they see through that bull**** clearly and decide to not deal with it, or to endlessly express their disgust about the situation we all are in. A philosopher, which for Nietzsche is someone who loves knowledge over all, has even a greater (in an intensity of the form meaning, not in a values one) desire to understand firsthand how human works, and so they don't mind getting in the middle of the filth.

Such a person may stand higher morally, but in every other way is actually more ordinary and less instructive (ouch).

They stand higher morally not in the common sense, but in a nitzschean sense, that is, they are beyond the common understanding of good and evil, this is, without getting too deep in Nietzsche's thought, they are more machivellian, they see good as that which makes them stronger, and as bad that which makes them more fragile (evil doesn't exist for these people).
He argues the norm is more interesting than the exception, in that understanding the ordinary person is a demanding and self-overcoming process. For unspecified reasons, true knowledge in the great and exceptional sense is found only in the human norm.

Nietzsche deals almost only with morals, that is, all the knowlege he cares about is moral knowledge and how morals came to be and are sustained, and why. Now, higher people have their morals too, but they are simple morals, they have the morals of the strong, healthy ones, without resentment and hidden agendas (and this means mostly lefty stuff, the higher individuals are the true aristocrats, that means that not every noble is an aristocrat). So higher people's morals are pretty simple to understand, and, at the same time, they are in a minority and so they are considered evil by society (now some of them they get called bigots, and I reiterate some), and because of this, the more extendend morals are not the ones of these individuals but the ones of the masse. And the only way to understand how these morals came to be, is necessary to understand the normal people. This is really similar to understanding how the red pill works, and all of the poisonous resentment there is behind the femenine imperative.

Also, apparently if you think you're an exception you must be angry... for some reason. Those that think they're exceptions are wrong, because they're angry and angry people lie.

If you think that you are an exception to what the "cynics" tell about people, this is, that they are nothing more than animals, and that they work based on desires and nothing else. Not if you think that you are an exception to normal people. Those angry people (SJW nowadays) are angry and they lie because they know deep inside how their morals are based on their resentment towards healthy attitudes towards life.


Is that right? I'm asking because I didn't like it, but maybe I didn't understand.

My comments in red.
Feel free to ask any other questions, even though now I'm heading to bed, I will gladly reply tomorrow.

 

[foreverAFC]

i felt the same way so i stopped going to parties and social events, i just spend my free time in the gym or training in martial arts at a dojo, im very lonely but at the same time i dont enjoy being around most people, it is what it is, im just going to keep focusing on my hobbies and myself

 

[ubercat]

This is plain out nuts guys. we all had the experience of being in an interesting conversation with somebody and hours just fly by. group Dynamics are more complex and inherently more interesting.

 

[Yewki]

My comments in red.
Feel free to ask any other questions, even though now I'm heading to bed, I will gladly reply tomorrow.

Why is understanding the normal, animal like person so critical that you should commit yourself for the remainder of your life to learning about them? There are many other forms of knowledge to learn.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Why is understanding the normal, animal like person so critical that you should commit yourself for the remainder of your life to learning about them? There are many other forms of knowledge to learn.

Of course, but Nietzsche was interested in morals above all else, that's why he thinks about psycological or ethical, or sociological (I mean, all things related to human behaviour) as the superior kind of knowledge. This is because he was interested in becoming immune to social condiotioning, so gaining a deep knowledge about these things was crucial.

 

[l__i__l]

Your fragile ego is projecting your insecurity as an issue of others.
Truth is, you are probably boring which you deep down know.
People often don't turn their backs on interesting people, but are rather hooked waiting on every word.
Accept the issue and work on improving yourself. Become interesting by engaging in hobbies/travelling/events etc.
Thereafter all the boring people will magically become interesting.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Your fragile ego is projecting your insecurity as an issue of others.
Truth is, you are probably boring which you deep down know.
People often don't turn their backs on interesting people, but are rather hooked waiting on every word.
Accept the issue and work on improving yourself. Become interesting by engaging in hobbies/travelling/events etc.
Thereafter all the boring people will magically become interesting.

Got it. Having and following passions and things that draw you in. It creates a void a vacuum for the other person to be drawn into.

 

[Huffman]

Thanks for the wealth of replies! It's amazing how you're all finding different words for telling me basically the same thing.

The ego vs insecurity is definitely true. Crazy what kind of tricks your mind conceives in order to mask your true fears. I'm taking away two things:

1. Stop being prejudiced: might be hard but I'm taking baby steps. Went to a party last weekend and made it a point to talk to random people, and really take my time instead of "gaming" people. Felt good, in one case I think I actually made a real friend.

2. Be/feel interesting: My life has become a bit boring lately, and I definitely feel and act that way. I'm taking 2 weeks vacation, let's see if I can get some life back into my life

Also I'm putting women on the sideline right now... recent events have made me feel a bit manipulative.