Feelings of regret and constant urges to contact her

[searching solace]

TL;DR: Having massive regrets of letting ex girlfriend (who demonstrated possible cluster B traits during the first 6 months, but looking back I'm not sure if she actually was) slip through my fingers only to realise how much she meant to me after she was ready to move on and cut me out of her life as if I was toxic to her. Urges to contact her everyday to try and fix things or salvage something, but I know she has been with other people since the break and is probably happier without me.

I recently updated a post I'd made over 2 years ago about a girlfriend who I thought may have Cluster B characteristics. I was given lots of good advice which I AM heeding. But feeling of regret are consuming me.

She recently broke up with me 3 months ago, (we were long distance at this point) due to me not showing her I cared enough, not giving her enough attention and therefore making her feel neglected over a long period of time. This had always been an issue since the start of the relationship over 3 years ago. She would always leave and come back. But this time she left, blocked me on her phone, and got with some other guy 2.5 weeks later. I found out and it broke me. I then found out she was probably also seeing another guy who went to her university (I found out by snooping and the pain these discoveries caused was my fault).

She largely blamed me, saying she'd poured her heart into the relationship and received nothing in return - leaving her no choice, which has left me feeling guilty and responsible. I do kind of understand her and would agree with her to some extent. I'd flown out to stay with her 3 times (as much as I could) during the last year, but I have no idea why I was so complacent with her and I am massively beating myself up about letting her slip away. As soon as I saw that I'd lost her, I had urges to move to be with her, to tell her I'd change, to apologise. I got very jealous of these other guys and it pushed her away even further. She'd made me into this version of myself.

We have been No Contact for almost 7 weeks now. She has blocked me, changed her blog address and has not reached out to me at all. This time, she had enough and has definitely left for good and I know she will never contact me again, and I'm finding it really hard to accept. It's still painful and she still consumes my thoughts.

One of the reasons I was hesitant to give myself completely to the relationship was because of her very controlling and intrusive parents who made our lives hell during the first 6 months when we lived together. Due to her career path (pro musician), I felt like I might have to sacrifice control and parts of my life to them in order to be with her.

I've considered maybe it was my own insecurities that affected us. My self esteem has fallen during the last few years, so maybe assumed she must be defected for loving me unconditionally, only to gain value when she walked away and saw other people.

With the time and distance apart from her, the more I look back and doubt that she actually was Cluster B, and that I may have let go of someone that I will never find again. Maybe I was too withheld and cautious about everything, instead of taking risks and investing myself totally.

I look back and want to kick myself at being so ****ing complacent and uncaring. She really loved me a lot and tried hard to keep things going until the point she's had enough. After she initially broke up with me, I didn't even try to contact her for those 2.5 weeks and I hate myself for that.

I can't really talk to anyone about this and I'm not sure what to do. I know this all sounds pathetic, but regret and replaying everything I should have done differently is keeping me from moving on.

 

[fastlife]

Of course you feel like it was all your fault. Part of the Cluster B playbook. Because it can't possibly be that her stealing $1000, smoking weed (i.e. ****ing) another dude (let's be real broseph), dramatic public drunken scenes, hysterical make up to break up routine, and mood swings contributed to the end of your relationship. She emotionally exhausted you--no **** you couldn't be present or enthusiastic about your relationship.

Did you have issues you brought to the relationship? Yes. I can see them all throughout your post (and the last one). Your ego got tied up with this girl (codependency). You have a nonexistent sense of self-worth. You think you can't do better than a lying, dramatic, cheating, moody, LONG DISTANCE, girl. But she was a 10/10, right? And she was soooo caring when she wasn't wrecking your life.

I mean, I get it. Been there, done that. But if you don't feel confident you can make the changes you need to in your own life, you need to seek therapy ASAP. Find someone who specializes in family of origin issues and mental schema. If you really want to change and quit dwelling on a past you can change. Search my post history. I've left the blueprint that helped me move past my BPD ex countless times.

If you don't want to move on, you'll fit right in at bpdfamily.com. They have forums where you victimize yourself and get pats on the back for another couple years. But it's been, what, 2 years you've spent dwelling on this girl? You can let go today if that's what you really want.

 

[Glumix]

Bro, the very fact that you think it's all your fault is the mark of your lack of self-worth that brought you to that woman.

We do not give a sht she is a cluster B or anything. That's just an excuse.

Remember the abuses, the hysteria, the fvckedupness. You currently lack the closeness of your lost relationship and your memory works hand in hand with that emotion. Remember she showed you her real self at every moment of the relationship. And you did the same.

You deserve MUCH better.

 

[searching solace]

Of course you feel like it was all your fault. Part of the Cluster B playbook. Because it can't possibly be that her stealing $1000, smoking weed (i.e. ****ing) another dude (let's be real broseph), dramatic public drunken scenes, hysterical make up to break up routine, and mood swings contributed to the end of your relationship. She emotionally exhausted you--no **** you couldn't be present or enthusiastic about your relationship.

Yes, during those first 6 months or so, you are right, it definitely wasn't my fault and it caused me to end things. But after that, after she stopped the lying, the mind games and became more stable (granted, we became long distance), the demise of the relationship feels like it was largely my fault. I got complacent and didn't care when she left. I didn't commit fully and talk about the future because of her incredibly controlling parents... It's really hard to explain.

After the break up happened and when she'd seen other guys, on the last day we talked, she said that if I'd wanted to fix things because I love her, I would have flown out there to chase her (almost as if it was me who'd ended things and started seeing other people). She took that as a sign that I didn't care enough about her.

I can't see whether I have dodged a large bullet or lost the 'love of my life' through complacency.

 

[fastlife]

Yes, during those first 6 months or so, you are right, it definitely wasn't my fault and it caused me to end things. But after that, after she stopped the lying, the mind games and became more stable (granted, we became long distance), the demise of the relationship feels like it was largely my fault. I got complacent and didn't care when she left. I didn't commit fully and talk about the future because of her incredibly controlling parents... It's really hard to explain.

After the break up happened and when she'd seen other guys, on the last day we talked, she said that if I'd wanted to fix things because I love her, I would have flown out there to chase her (almost as if it was me who'd ended things and started seeing other people). She took that as a sign that I didn't care enough about her.

I can't see whether I have dodged a large bullet or lost the 'love of my life' through complacency.

Dodged a bullet. Your relationship was already FUBAR. There was nothing to save; you're blaming yourself FOR WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO AFTER THE BREAK UP.

Read what you just wrote 5 times.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@searching solace here is a repost for you. Go read the article linked. What you are experiencing isn't all about "her."

"What happens in a breakup is similar to coming down off a narcotic. The addict seeks to re-stimulate the reward process, only now that process is denied to him (or her). Thus the addict is forced to create novel ways to reestablish that reward, however under these new circumstances that reward rush doesn’t compare to the original high of infatuation, love, etc."

Go read the rest of, "Detox" by @Rollo Tomassi here: http://therationalmale.com/2012/05/15/detox/

 

[Trump]

She largely blamed me, saying she'd poured her heart into the relationship and received nothing in return - leaving her no choice, which has left me feeling guilty and responsible. I do kind of understand her and would agree with her to some extent. I'd flown out to stay with her 3 times (as much as I could) during the last year, but I have no idea why I was so complacent with her and I am massively beating myself up about letting her slip away. As soon as I saw that I'd lost her, I had urges to move to be with her, to tell her I'd change, to apologise. I got very jealous of these other guys and it pushed her away even further. She'd made me into this version of myself.

Holy cow bro. This girl spits out some words so that you are to blame for everything and she is the victim and your head is spinning like a top. "Let her slip away?' That kind of thinking is exactly why she is laughing at you while sleeping with her 6'2 boyfriend.

One of the reasons I was hesitant to give myself completely to the relationship was because of her very controlling and intrusive parents who made our lives hell during the first 6 months when we lived together. Due to her career path (pro musician), I felt like I might have to sacrifice control and parts of my life to them in order to be with her.

What is a pro musician? Someone who has sold 100,000 albums, 500,000 albums? Because they say they are pro?

I've considered maybe it was my own insecurities that affected us. My self esteem has fallen during the last few years, so maybe assumed she must be defected for loving me unconditionally, only to gain value when she walked away and saw other people.

With the time and distance apart from her, the more I look back and doubt that she actually was Cluster B, and that I may have let go of someone that I will never find again. Maybe I was too withheld and cautious about everything, instead of taking risks and investing myself totally.

I look back and want to kick myself at being so ****ing complacent and uncaring. She really loved me a lot and tried hard to keep things going until the point she's had enough. After she initially broke up with me, I didn't even try to contact her for those 2.5 weeks and I hate myself for that.

I can't really talk to anyone about this and I'm not sure what to do. I know this all sounds pathetic, but regret and replaying everything I should have done differently is keeping me from moving on.

Wow this girl did a number on you. While you are wasting your life not being able to carry on, she is sleeping with movie stars and hockey players, laughing at you.

You want to get back? Show her you are sleeping with a hot movie star, she will come begging you to take her back.

 

[searching solace]

@fastlife No I just mean the way she considered things was fairly irrational. Like she thought I should be the one to chase and fix things despite it being her that pulled apart what we had. I regret how I acted before the breakup. For example, she said she wanted to come and visit me for Xmas over the holiday. I said I was spending time with family and that she couldn't come. I ****ing hate myself for taking that decision. The time with my family was ruined by all this anyway.

@LiveYourDream Read it and it makes sense, scientifically. I guess that's why it was easy for her to move on and avoid this pain - as she had other fixes in the waiting. A drug addict can always get one more fix if he wants. I know I will never hear or see from this person again even if I wanted to.

@Trump She is definitely not sleeping with movie stars or anything like that. She definitely downgraded with the replacement guy(s), and that almost makes it worse. The guy had stolen her credit card details months earlier.

I just don't understand why despite everything she did, how badly she handled the breakup, how quickly she moved on, how she cut me out and how easy she made it for other guys to step in.. I still have the urge to reach out to her, I still regret things.. it's pathetic.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@LiveYourDream Read it and it makes sense, scientifically. I guess that's why it was easy for her to move on and avoid this pain - as she had other fixes in the waiting. A drug addict can always get one more fix if he wants. I know I will never hear or see from this person again even if I wanted to.

The article was for you. You are the addict in this story. You are the one going through withdrawals. You are the one desperate for another hit. You are the one who will tell yourself anything to get just one more hit/buzz from her and then another and another.

You are the one who has the opportunity to detox and heal. You are the one apparently not seeing it yet because you also have the choice to stay addicted and keep chasing your ideas of her. That's ok. It's your choice. The reality check is there, if you want it.

 

[Asmodeus]

@LiveYourDream is right.
It is true, love activates the same regions of the brain as many addictive narcotics. It is likely why so many people become addicted to love and seek it out like a drug. Also, why people when in a breakup act so irrationally, because it is a withdrawl effect. So just take that in consideration.
This has been shown in many neuroscience studies to be factual. Same neurotransmitters, same regions, ect.
http://www.techinsider.io/loves-effect-on-the-brain-is-as-powerful-as-heroin-2015-10
So you sir are an addict that is now recovering.

 

[Asmodeus]

You pedestalized her, made her blameless in your eyes. You stopped looking at her as a person, as a being with flaws and instead started idealizing her almost as your own personal deity. It is why you blame yourself for all that has happened instead of putting the blame rightly on her. You will recover from this though, like drug withdrawl it is difficult at first, but over time it gets easier as you forget her or turn your attentions to another woman.

Just remember, you must temper your love and affection. Never fall too deep into it or you risk never coming back out the same. Do not idealize, do not pedestalize. Love in reckless abandon is just as dangerous as anything else done in reckless abandon.

I have seen many on this forum like you. You are not the first, you will not be the last.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I just don't understand why despite everything she did, how badly she handled the breakup, how quickly she moved on, how she cut me out and how easy she made it for other guys to step in.. I still have the urge to reach out to her, I still regret things.. it's pathetic.

These are words of an addict. Wake up!

 

[Asmodeus]

Listen to us @SearchingSolace. I cannot feel as you do about this, but I have seen it in people. Their lost looks, searching for solace where they can find it. You fell so deeply in love you drowned in it. Your memories offer them you a false peace, memories of the love that you have. It is a bittersweet but intoxicating thing, holding on to those memories of her and returning in your mind to those distant times where you felt that love. The love appeared to be as real to you as the magnificence which it reflected. But then you wake up form that dream to realize that it all has collapsed around you. That it is just that, a dream of a time that once was. Of a girl you once were with.
That realization has brought you here, it has created your condition. It has caused you to be in pain like this, searching for solace from it. You wish to find it in her again, but you shall never. You realize this, that she is gone forever, and that it is better left this way.
How do you escape from this and find the solace you seek? You must destroy the dream, look at it for the reality it truly was. See that she was not perfect, see that she fvcked you over. See that there are many women out there, and that the only thing holding you back is your attachment to your former. You should try to seek to not have HER as your dream, and do not have your dreams hinge on a woman. Seek to fulfill yourself, seek to live the dream you truly desire. Focus on other things, other interests, other women. In time all your feelings for this one you loved will fade as all thing inevitably do with time. If you do not forget about her than your search for freedom will be futile and you will be forever caught in this delusion.

 

[Asmodeus]

@searching solace I am going to try this on you... I am no psychologist, but I know their techniques very well.

So first step, let us help you realize the delusion, let us expose that woman you love as being flawed and imperfect. Heck, let us show you that she is a woman you should not even desire being with and that she was kind of screwed up. I will expose her to you, you will see that you were not as happy as you thought you were. I will make the thought of her more revolting to you, and knock her off the pedestal you put her on.


I want you to tell me of a time when she made you angry before you broke up. Tell me of her flaws so I can show you the reality you fail to see.

 

[El Payaso]

What you need to do is fvck other women. This is what lack of options will do to you. Floyd Mayweather probably isn't sitting up at night worried about some girl who left him because he's drowning in pu$$y.

When you adopt an abundance mentality, you realize just how stupid it is to dwell over one woman.

TLDR: Fvck other women.

 

[Jordski]

"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears." - Marcus Aurelius

 

[searching solace]

@Asmodeus I don't want to get too specific, and to be honest, it was hard to think of something both recent and pre-break up. But for example, last year, I'd flown out to see her and to fix things/get her back. Things were good. We were both our shopping in a mall and whilst she was in a shop, she was approached by a guy and she gave him her number. She told me about it. I kind of brushed it off as I felt somewhat in control at that point but looking back, that was really disrespectful.
I am very aware she has/had flaws. What frustrates is that despite this awareness, I still miss her and harbour regrets.

@El Payaso Yes you're probably right, but I just have no desire for other women at the moment, it's really annoying. My confidence has also taken a dip because of all this.

 

[searching solace]

Despite the good advice here, it still doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

I'm still shouldering a lot of regret and I still miss her. She provided me with plenty of warning before it happened. She asked me if I wanted to fix us - I answered complacently. I'm aware she probably had the other guys somewhat lined up to cushion the blow for her, but it doesn't stop me from missing her still. I have other options, but I have no interest in seeing other women. Every time I feel I make progress, she appears in my dreams.

I haven't heard anything from her in over 2 months now. Nothing (if she were cluster B, aren't they renowned for their hoovering?). After 3 years of constant contact. I'm so close to reaching out to her or checking her blog (which she got me addicted to over the years by writing about me and posting about how she felt on it etc), but I know whatever I saw would likely just hurt and set me back. She's likely been sleeping with someone else, too, and I can't stomach that.

I have to keep telling myself that my future will be better than if I were to have stayed with her, that she was very unstable, but the more time passes, I'm not sure if that's the case.

 

[Glumix]

I have to keep telling myself that my future will be better

Man, your future is not going to be better if you do not make it better.
Opportunities are not going to fall miraculously on your lap.

Perhaps it's going to take you one year to forget her. Stop focusing on the fact she was or wasn't cluster B, you DGAF about that.

Focus on what you want to do with your life, with or without her. The fact she is not with you anymore shouldn't make you change the course of your life and the purpose of your life.

Sure, it's hard, but the sooner you realize you do not need her or any other woman to be the Man you want to be, the faster you will improve your life and overall happiness.

Enjoy your solitude, those are rare moments in your life and the best tool for your improvement.

Also, stop focusing on things you have no power to change. And you have no power to change the past.

 

[searching solace]

I feel totally defeated. In a weak moment, I checked her blog (after not doing so in almost 2 months, she doesn't know I have the address). She is sleeping with the new guy. She seems fine and no longer writes about me.

I can't believe how much this has affected me. How much I let it affect me. How much I still want this girl back. I didn't know it was possible to get this low.