Looking For Some Feedback/Advice

[Xeon21]

Hello everyone. I'm new to these forums, but I have been doing quite a bit of reading on the site of all the posts from people and I like what I've seen. I have a significant issue that maybe you all can offer some insight on.

I'm currently 25 and in college, finishing up the remainder (one year left) of my software engineering degree. I frequently have an issue with approaching the girls on my campus, although for a different reason than a lot of you would initially think. I see many of them as I walk through the hallways each day, but I guess the best way I can describe it is that I am not all that "motivated" to pursue them. There are some that I find attractive, but for me I don't find them to be enough of what I want. I've gotten to know some of them in my classes, but those I view more as friends and classmates than anything else. I put facial beauty on a really high level in terms of my preferences, essentially at the top followed closely by intelligence.

I get sized up by a lot of girls along with getting a lot of looks and smiles as I pass them in the hallways, cafeterias, and parking lots which always feels nice, probably because I am fortunate in the good looks department and I am 6'5". Yet, despite all of that, and finding some of them nice to look at, I feel as if I require the one I want to have to "blow my socks off" when I look at her so to speak. That I haven't found yet.

I've had one or two friends tell me that I shouldn't be so picky, but I know I can afford to be and that I wouldn't be happy without that girl meeting my preferences. I just read another forum post where someone talked about dating down and that wasn't a good thing. It is what I am trying to avoid myself.

Should I stick to my guns on this? There is a girl in one of my classes I think that is really into me as I caught her looking at me multiple times yesterday while just standing in the hallway waiting for the classroom to empty of students from the class before mine. Every time I caught her doing it, she would look away quick and then play with her hair for awhile and she does the same thing in class. I find her attractive, but that "kaboom" factor still isn't quite there. Haven't quite decided what I want to do with that situation.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

 

[Malcontent]

Sounds like you are looking for "the one"?

 

[Xeon21]

Sounds like you are looking for "the one"?

Eventually, yeah, I'll be looking for "the one", but not for quite awhile. If I was looking for that, I'd bring in a great deal more criteria than just looks and intelligence such as cooking, type of job/education, etc.

I guess my issue is that if I am going to be spending a lot of time with someone, even if it is just for a short time, and if I am going to get into bed with them, I had better really enjoy what I am looking at. The last relationship I came out of which lasted half a year, I had someone who I had found extremely attractive (let's just say she could've easily passed off as Taylor Swift). Ever since that, I've felt that whoever I go after next will have to at least be at that level or surpass it.

There's been a small handful of women I've come across that have really captured my attention, but the few I encountered that did so already had boyfriends or were in an environment where stopping and talking really wasn't available. So I've kept looking.

Some of my friends have said that I've passed up women that most guys would've been glad to get, including them, but I told them that after coming from the relationship I had, I cannot get myself to step downwards in that area.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Sometimes people can hold exceptionally high or unhealthy expectations of potential partners, specifically to unconsciously avoid intimacy (physical or emotional) all together and the possibility of getting rejected, let down or hurt. It can take an otherwise healthy screening behavior to an extreme to minimize potential contact almost entirely.

 

[fastlife]

Avoidance. Rejection avoidance. Intimacy avoidance. Avoidance of the responsibility of managing expectations and the possibility that you might hurt other people because you know they don't fit into your binary black-and-white conception of what a relationship might look like.

As someone who did the same thing for years (and still slip into that frame of mind from time to time), it's not a good way to live--especially when you finally meet a (physical) 10/10, everything-you-could-ever-want-in a woman (for a while), BPD girl that you can't healthily live with and that, according to fantasy standards, would be impossible to replicate.

What's helped me is cultivating a more flexible picture of what a relationship looks like. It doesn't have to be some, in-or-out set of guidelines. It doesn't have to be exclusive; it probably won't be permanent. There doesn't have to be some end goal. It's just two people connecting over the course of the moments you connect. When you open yourself up to those possibilities you don't have to find 'the one;' there'll be different ones for the different times of your life. There'll be ones that you can grow with and ones that you have to go separate ways; there'll be ones that never meet your friends or end up on social media; some that last a night, some a couple months, some longer than that--but since there's no expectations there'll be an abundance of women you can connect with and you won't have to force things into accordance with a binary worldview.

Stop waiting for life to come to you--go out and get it.

 

[Xeon21]

are you lonely?

I wouldn't say so. I have a lot of friends of all different ages that I do things with, from people a few years younger than me to people that are age 75 and I enjoy them all. I have no shortage of people to talk with every day, both over social media and in person.

Now I have decided I want someone special I can spend time with and share different things in life with, even if it is just for awhile.

 

[Xeon21]

Sometimes people can hold exceptionally high or unhealthy expectations of potential partners, specifically to unconsciously avoid intimacy (physical or emotional) all together and the possibility of getting rejected, let down or hurt. It can take an otherwise healthy screening behavior to an extreme to minimize potential contact almost entirely.

Yes, my expectations are extremely high in many areas. I used to think that was always a good thing, but now I am not so certain. Intimacy I would not have any trouble with as sharing feelings and trust is an area I am usually pretty good with. Rejection however is something I do not do well with and probably is a part of those expectations being so high. I bet that I won't risk it on anyone unless I am so compelled to approach them (has only happened twice) that it overrules that fear of rejection.

 

[sodbuster]

Just check your inner thoughts. IF you were browbeaten as a child, you may be thinking IF she's interested in me, she can't be that special.....

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yes, my expectations are extremely high in many areas. I used to think that was always a good thing, but now I am not so certain. Intimacy I would not have any trouble with as sharing feelings and trust is an area I am usually pretty good with. Rejection however is something I do not do well with and probably is a part of those expectations being so high. I bet that I won't risk it on anyone unless I am so compelled to approach them (has only happened twice) that it overrules that fear of rejection.

All kinds of questions for you in reply...

How has this matched in your life? What is your relationship history? How many and how long and how old were you? What is your dating history been like overall, and then since being in college? How often do you actually go out with a woman? Do you go out on dates or primarily hook up when you do? What about sex for you? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Has sex been a positive experience, more neutral, challenging, frequent, infrequent?

What is it that will compel you to approach a woman despite your fear of rejection? What were the two times you did?

What is the worst case scenario rejection/pain that you imagine, and that you are trying to avoid?

 

[Xeon21]

Sodbuster, browbeaten was the last thing I was as a child. I couldn't help but laugh when I read your post, but I understand why you wrote it.

I was the only child in my family and my aunt (my dad's twin sister) paid far more attention to me than her own granddaughter as she came to our home for every single holiday and birthday I ever had for 19 years. I literally had a fairytale type childhood and I am extremely grateful for it.

 

[Xeon21]

All kinds of questions for you in reply...

How has this matched in your life? What is your relationship history? How many and how long and how old were you? What is your dating history been like overall, and then since being in college? How often do you actually go out with a woman? Do you go out on dates or primarily hook up when you do? What about sex for you? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Has sex been a positive experience, more neutral, challenging, frequent, infrequent?

What is it that will compel you to approach a woman despite your fear of rejection? What were the two times you did?

What is the worst case scenario rejection/pain that you imagine, and that you are trying to avoid?

Are you sure that you aren't a shrink or a behavioral scientist?

All joking aside, my dating history has been somewhat limited. The first one I had was when I was 19 when I went to college for the first time around. We met in the cafeteria one day and I thought she was nice so we started talking. Then we did a bunch of texting back and forth and met another time but figured we weren't compatible as we were too different in too many areas so we lost interest. The first year I got kicked out of the university on academic suspension because I screwed around all day instead of going to my classes except one of them in which I really enjoyed the professor. I went back home for several years. I helped my mother maintain the large house she had as my dad had passed away five years before then and I did all of the outside maintenance at that time already. I also did it while I was in college when I would come home on weekends as she was too old to do any of it by then and she wasn't ready to sell the house at that time. I did some technical work for the family business while I was there as well.

The first real relationship I had was when I was 22 and it lasted just about a year and half. We first met online while listening to an online radio show and started out as friends with quite a few similar interests. We always enjoyed each other's company so we talked many times during the week, sometimes multiple times a day. Later that friendship changed into more of a romantic interest. After awhile we both finally had the time available to start meeting in person a lot more and that led to other things. I was captivated by this woman as not only did I find her highly attractive, but I found that in one area, her knowledge about things was comparable to my own which was something I had not found in anyone before. I was able to open up about many things that I never really was able to discuss with anyone and that was unique and it served to further deepen my feelings for her. We shared many different things as the months went by and we grew to know one another on many different levels. Our relationship progressed even more that in its later phases we would meet one another to have sex once or twice a week. She often got upset if we couldn't.

I also was involved with another woman while in the relationship I mentioned above. I met her about 8 months after the one from the radio show. I was still 22 and it lasted six months. This was the one I mentioned in the reply to Malcontent that I really fell for. I met her while walking in a flower garden one day and the first time I saw her, I was so awestruck at how beautiful she was that I didn't know what to say as I had no words in my head or mouth, so I said absolutely nothing and just left. I eventually saw her there again however, and the next time I didn't just stand there like a stone, we both introduced ourselves and sat on a bench and talked for awhile. We both left after a time and agreed to meet each other again as we had to get back to work. We got together many times after that over a period of several weeks and that relationship progressed to the point where we began to get really intimate with one another. We shared many personal things and our lives grew to be more intertwined. Soon I was going to see her at her place quite a bit and she was coming to mine. We both felt that we had a very special and powerful connection with one another, and when we started having sex it became even stronger. Every time we were together, we both felt a tremendous rush of passion and energy. Eventually I stopped seeing both of them. The one from the flower garden, I couldn't see anymore due to the fact she moved really far away and that distance was just too great. The one I met from the radio show, I eventually found out that she really didn't have my best interests in mind so we went our separate ways.

I was 22 the first time I had sex. I found it to be a very positive experience and something that I greatly enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that I also devoted quite a bit of time to reading about it and have gained quite a bit of knowledge in that area.

After those relationships ended, I was hurt quite a bit by that. It hurt me so much actually that while I missed those experiences, I did not even have an interest in dating or engaging in another relationship for over two years. When I returned back to college when I was 23, I focused extensively on my degree the last two years along with fixing all of the courses I failed the first year. It is only now that I feel like dating and having somebody again. I feel ready and confident about myself again and I actually made the decision to first really start looking again a few months ago.

What compels me to approach a woman is if she is precisely what I really desire, particularly that of physical attractiveness. If I am really captivated by one, I will simply ignore those fears of rejection and force myself to go over to her. When I was in a statistics course last spring, there was one that sat behind me in class. I found her extremely attractive and I found out during class one day that she was really smart to go with her looks, which for me was a huge turn on. It took me awhile, but I got up the courage to eventually talk to her only to find out that she had a boyfriend and that I had essentially "struck out". That one stung a bit, but I determined that I would keep looking.

The other one was from a communications class. I found her to be rather attractive and she expressed somewhat of an interest in me as she said she found me to be intriguing and not like anyone she had met before. So I asked her one day after class if she wanted to go out for lunch some time and she said yes and gave me her number without me having to ask. We were supposed to go out that week but then she said that she had to work and then another time wouldn't work. Then later she admitted to me that she had just started seeing someone before I had asked her and that he had a jealousy issue and it wouldn't have been a good idea. Told her that was fine and I didn't care, just wish she would've said something sooner. I actually caught a break there as I found out later that unfortunately she was heavily addicted to prescription drugs.

After both of those, despite my time walking around campus in the hallways, I haven't found any that "hit" me strong enough to approach them like those two did. I've seen quite a few that I've thought are fairly attractive but I'm not motivated enough to go stop and go talk to them. My issues with rejection keep me from doing so.

The worst case scenario is that I finally find one that I am powerfully attracted to and I get rejected outright, either because she doesn't want anybody right then or already has someone else. I will then keep going through multiple scenarios of that and won't find anyone close to what I once had.

 

[Colossus]

You're only 25, and overthinking it.

There is no "one". There are many potential ones. The fact of the matter is most women wont be that special to you. Give it time. When you known, you know. I didn't meet my wife until I was 31.

 

[Xeon21]

Perhaps I am overthinking it.

The two I was involved with were special to me, but even though it took awhile, I moved onwards. It seems that I am wanting expectations of other women I meet to be the same as or very similar to what I experienced with those two when I should be enjoying each new one for who they are.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Thank you for sharing so openly in response to all my earlier questions. Having read what you wrote, and considering a reply, I also just read your latest post. You nailed it!

The two I was involved with were special to me, but even though it took awhile, I moved onwards. It seems that I am wanting expectations of other women I meet to be the same as or very similar to what I experienced with those two when I should be enjoying each new one for who they are.

The perfect answer, courtesy of yourself, in bold above.

 

[Xeon21]

Thank you for sharing so openly in response to all my earlier questions. Having read what you wrote, and considering a reply, I also just read your latest post. You nailed it!

The perfect answer, courtesy of yourself, in bold above.

I was glad to do so. I usually have a strong intuition about people, and for you I just felt comfortable openly sharing those things.

There is one more piece to it that I just thought about, that it is more than just a physical preference. I think that I have an underlying "fear" that whatever new relationship or dating adventure I enter into won't "measure up" to what I had before. That it will not be as good, the feelings as potent and euphoric, or the intimacy as strong. The same principle applies here as well I guess. I'll never know that if I don't go out and get involved in one again and just sit on the sidelines. I can easily have just as good of one again, or even better.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I
There is one more piece to it that I just thought about, that it is more than just a physical preference. I think that I have an underlying "fear" that whatever new relationship or dating adventure I enter into won't "measure up" to what I had before. That it will not be as good, the feelings as potent and euphoric, or the intimacy as strong. The same principle applies here as well I guess. I'll never know that if I don't go out and get involved in one again and just sit on the sidelines. I can easily have just as good of one again, or even better.

I hear what you said. Let me ask you something else. Whether it makes sense to you or not, is there any part of you that is afraid of something even better?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

I've met girls that were GORGEOUS but the more I got to know them, the less they "blew my socks off."

And I've met plain girls that significantly increased the "blow my socks off" rating the more I got to know them.

Don't be so hasty. Don't discount them until you have a few conversations with them. Also consider some NON-PHYSICAL (emotional, intellectual) criteria. That tends to INCREASE the "blow your socks off" factor over time, while looks can ONLY go down in that area. In that regard, women are like cars (if judged purely on looks) when you drive them off the lot they drop quite rapidly in value. The longer you get to know a girl, the less her looks factor (if she's above a minimum standard).

 

[Von]

I've met girls that were GORGEOUS but the more I got to know them, the less they "blew my socks off."

And I've met plain girls that significantly increased the "blow my socks off" rating the more I got to know them.

Don't be so hasty. Don't discount them until you have a few conversations with them. Also consider some NON-PHYSICAL (emotional, intellectual) criteria. That tends to INCREASE the "blow your socks off" factor over time, while looks can ONLY go down in that area. In that regard, women are like cars (if judged purely on looks) when you drive them off the lot they drop quite rapidly in value. The longer you get to know a girl, the less her looks factor (if she's above a minimum standard).

Look dissapear after sleeping with the girl or knowing her in deeper territories. I am surround with only 9 or 10 hb... whatever you calll it. So I have only ''physically gorgeous one''.... I dated or been in relationship with beauties....

If you want a LTR.... look is nota a question

 

[Xeon21]

I've met girls that were GORGEOUS but the more I got to know them, the less they "blew my socks off."

And I've met plain girls that significantly increased the "blow my socks off" rating the more I got to know them.

Don't be so hasty. Don't discount them until you have a few conversations with them. Also consider some NON-PHYSICAL (emotional, intellectual) criteria. That tends to INCREASE the "blow your socks off" factor over time, while looks can ONLY go down in that area. In that regard, women are like cars (if judged purely on looks) when you drive them off the lot they drop quite rapidly in value. The longer you get to know a girl, the less her looks factor (if she's above a minimum standard).

You are right with that. Even though significant physical beauty is something I hold in high esteem, it isn't something I should be basing all of my interactions with people off of nor should it be the sole determinant of whether I decide I like someone enough to talk with, date, or get into a relationship with them. There is far more to someone than just looking at them and those looks can quickly become meaningless if there are other significant issues. The two I wrote of, as time passed, my focus became less about their looks, but instead upon their intellect as well as their emotional support they provided and that we shared.

I have always appreciated smart women and it is something that often makes me more attracted to them, even if they aren't some knockout bombshell.

I enjoyed the car analogy.

 

[Xeon21]

I hear what you said. Let me ask you something else. Whether it makes sense to you or not, is there any part of you that is afraid of something even better?

No, I'd have to say that I'm not afraid of having something better unless I'm not fully understanding what you're asking me. After some more deep thought and being honest with myself though, the parts I miss the most wasn't the sex, or even looking at how beautiful both of them were (although those things were great in their own right), but it was the small intimate things and the emotions we shared. I miss the soft touch of their skin, the laughter we had, the conversations we shared, and the comfort they gave me when I was sad. They used to sit next to me while I sat at my piano (have played for 15 years now) and enjoy the music I'd play.

I guess I felt that I had essentially what I wanted for the most part. I didn't think that it could ever be any better than it was. Both I thought were beautiful and quite intellectual. After we parted ways I thought for some time I would never find something like that again which made me quite depressed. I told myself that no one else I encountered could ever live up to either of them and that it wouldn't be fair of me to place that expectation on someone. However, one day I realized that if I had it once, I could have it again and the person preventing it was myself.