I think I'm reaching the point of learned helplessness

[Konada]

Been on a dry spell since November. Most of the time I don't even feel like dealing with women nowadays and rather stick to my right hand. The times I thought I have girls interested in me, all of them turned out to be attached. The single ones won't give me the time of the day. Sometimes I feel like there's no point in trying so hard anymore and resign to my fate of being a celibate male forever. No luck with OLD, I start off well and suddenly girls go ghost on me for no reason, its as if I can do everything right and 1 wrong word and I get thrown out like garbage.

Then again, I have a feeling I might be hormonally imbalanced because at 23 I rarely get a boner nowadays and have bouts of sudden depression when I get very tired. Just a rant because I have no one to turn to to talk about all these kind of stuff.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I am wondering about the rest of your life, outside of women? At 22 what are you doing with yourself? Do you have goals, career aspirations, a passion, hobbies? Do you work out and exercise regularly? No male friends to talk too? Does your life beyond women feel full, happy and on track? Do you wake up feeling enlivened about your life and about your plans for your life? Each day are you taking steps to achieve meaningful goals for yourself?

I may be projecting here, forgive me if I am wrong. I am imagining your life feels kind of empty, you feel a bit depressed and you've been looking for a female to fill the void you feel and bring you happiness? I stat at all true? Even the most perfect woman in the world, will never fill that void you feel. You have to be sure you are looking for a woman for sex or more with absolute clarity of your expectations and understanding that they can truly be met. Your life will work best if it is overflowing with what you love even before you add a woman or women into the mix.

Maybe go see your doc and get your hormones checked. Or are more likely depressed because you've been in in-action in your life, and/or or are eating crappy food, not working out, not getting proper sleep, etc? Lots of questions, What here fits and what doesn't?

 

[Konada]

On the contrary I'm quite happy with my life barring women. I fence, I do latin ballroom, I hangout with my friends weekly to shoot the sh!t. Right now I'm focusing on pulling my grades up in college because I fvcked up the 1st 1 1/2 years playing too hard. I tend to do things alone in school rather than hangout in groups all the time.

To be honest, I have no time to date women with my current lifestyle. I meet enough women in my social circles and the things is I kind of realized the one's who I thought were initially attracted to me turned out to be attached, while the single ones are pretty cold to begin with. It makes me kind of wonder that I'm like some attention tool for them to discard when I am not needed.

Thing is I keep fluctuating in moods. One day I can feel like I have all my needs satisfied without women, the other day I start mulling over why I can't get a woman for the life of me. You're right, I'm perfectly happy with my life except the void of companionship. I think OLD has a lot to play in how jaded I feel at the moment, as of now I don't see the beauty in people (not just women), its always the mindset of 'prove to me you are worthy of my time and attention'.

I'm very confused at the moment, sometimes I feel like I take too much responsibility for my interactions and am always seeking ways to improve, it gets tiresome and redundant when I don't see results happening across a long period of time.

I think you can kind of realise my thoughts are all over the place at the moment, there's alot of things I'm very not at ease with when it comes to this.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Konda, I do not want to mislead you. I only want to offer help where I can from personal experience or wisdom otherwise gained. What you are experiencing is out of my realm. I am bowing out here as I know you will better be served through the guidance of men here, who can direct you from their personal experience or insight. Best Wishes.

 

[Killakittie]

Give no power to the way women react to you today. Think of all the things you have going for you that will make you more valuable as a person. Take pride in knowing you are doing what you need to do to succeed. Women have no bearing on how valuable you are as a man or your self esteem. Stay away from women, don't make any effort to date them or even hit on them. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy until you no longer seek validation through females. Lastly take it day by day man. Depend on yourself, trust yourself, your capable of more for yourself then any women could ever hope to be. Be the best guy you can be and watch the females take notice.

 

[fastlife]

I'm very confused at the moment, sometimes I feel like I take too much responsibility for my interactions and am always seeking ways to improve, it gets tiresome and redundant when I don't see results happening across a long period of time.

Ditch OLD. Approach IRL. You seem very success-oriented, which is great but often results in a binary, black-and-white, success or failure, view of things. Life is all about possibility and growth. Just see what happens. Any one person you meet--male or female--can change the course of your life. Enjoy the process. Learn to enjoy rejection--get blown out, laugh about it, approach someone else. The world is yours.

And I promise you, imagined rejection is always worse than the real thing. A little embarrassment that no one will remember in a couple week? Big deal. See what happens. It's only failure if you don't learn from it.

 

[Konada]

So I took a break from Sosuave and dating in general. Thing is, it doesn't seem to get any better. I've lost about 10lbs over a couple of months... Down to 110, weight has always been an issue for me. That being said, everything else is going well for me, school, dancing, social life. I'm starting to believe why I can't pull women (for the record attached women flirt shamelessly with me but I get no play with single women) is simply because I look weak (110lbs) and because I'm stuck in the catch 22 of being a virgin, no real relationship and somehow girls can sense this sh!t. This coupled with standards that I'm can't bring myself to lower makes for a miserable person.

Also please don't give me the cliche lines of being self-sufficient without the need for women. If so, we wouldn't be here debating how to get p00n because simply we are wired to have a companion with us.

My plan now is:
1. Start working out again and gain muscle.
2. Maintain whatever I'm doing at the moment barring women

The more I think about it, the more I start to believe looks always trumps personality when it comes to getting that first foot into the door.

 

[LiveYourDream]

The more I think about it, the more I start to believe looks always trumps personality when it comes to getting that first foot into the door.

If you sell yourself this story, as an absolute, you will miss opportunities with women that you did not even know were ripe and ready, all for your taking.

 

[Tenacity]

Hey Konada, so you ready for some honest analysis, not some touchy feely bullshyt?

- To acquire women you need to be a total of a 6 or 7 in Looks, Personality and Finances. So if you are a 4 in Looks, you better be a 8 in Personality and a 8 in Finances, which gives you a combined aggregate of 6 - 7.

- Post a picture. I can't help you with the Looks until I see what the hell you look like.

- For Personality, give me an example of how you would talk to a woman, for example, pretend I'm a woman and spit some "game" at me to pick me up. We might have to go into one of the chats to do it, but I'm looking to see if you can CARRY a conversation and if you know how to naturally move a girl into a sexual state type of mood. It doesn't matter WHAT you say for the most part, it's how you say it and in the context.

- Is your money right? I think you mentioned some of the things in this area is looking good. Do you have your own place, own car, decent clothes, etc.?

Listen, the typical SoSuave advice of when a guy is struggling with women to "forgot about women and go workout" is complete and utter garbage. It's like if someone came to you and said I need help losing weight, instead of DIRECTLY attacking the problem, you tell them to go pray about it to get their "spirit" right first because somehow getting your "spirit" right is going to make the fvcking pounds fall off?

Working out is good (obviously I know), that's a part of the LOOKS characteristic but you have to do other things to fix your looks as well. Women look at your FACE, they want to see your smile, your eyes, etc.

So post a pic and let me see, when it's all said and done you should have the following where:

- Women routinely say you are at least "cute" (looks are efficient)

- Women do not get bored around you, they carry on conversations with you for HOURS, when you go out there's always a topic to talk about and there's never a dull moment (personality is efficient)

- Women say you have your shyt together, in that you have your own place, own car, decent job, etc., basically you are AT LEAST in the lower middle class (finances are efficient)

Once women routinely say the above, just go out and focus on meeting large numbers of women to play the numbers game. You might approach/meet 20 women, get 12 numbers, 6 of those 12 turn into dates/meet ups, you fvck 3 of the 6, then you end up in a relationship with 1 of the 3.

 

[Von]

Seems I meet my young brother.... sexually driven wise

The guys here adressed the : Look + Developping attractive personality and they 100% right follow what they say (work on your look,fashion, shape, skills). I would recommend Olivier Lafay workout book.... you can do this at home and you don't need membership... you use your house furniture has tool... its a ''ghetto workout'' at multilevel.... I am following it.... got ripped under 5 months.... an average session for me 200 pushup, 200 setup, 100 chinups.... I add +1 rep per set per exercise every week and I look casual shaped (with a 6 pack ),

You doing alot of things right.... You seem to have ambition, you want personnal progress, and you seek black/white results... You are dancing, you have friends, you have school..... you need to go to parties more and give yourself a goal of talking to 5 to 10 people at each event. What is the problem: You can't put a finger on your feelings and you pressure yourself to be ''normal''

Now, I was like you... I lost my virginity at 20 years old and wondered why people liked sex. Teenager: I let all my opportunities of dating run away (some girls were gorgeous) cause of lack of confidence and scared of commitment. When I review all of this.... yep I lacked confidance, I was scared. Girls thought I would ''stare at them too much'' or ''try too hard'' and ''look hungry''... Why ?

1) Lack of confidence to talk
2) I never felt I needed to have sex or be with a woman but I had to be like everyone and hit on them but my mind made it seems like I craved it
3) Always prefered on finishing my ''work and studies'' than goingout

First girlfriend at 21.... I had 7 one nightstands before I meet her... never liked the sex.... This girlfriend was the first one I had the confidence and the desire to be with... I also just experienced a life trauma (lost of the life my bestfriend and it still hurt thinking about it).... It lasted 5 years and that girl made me growth like hell...

Why I am writing this? Cause yep, all my life my hand satisfied my sex-drive more than women, I always bit envious of others who had better results and seemed to have a bigger social life yet never liked to have people around me for too long, only time I had a sex-drive by looking at a women was after we slept together. Always this contradicting sensations. Seducing a women seems more an effort than anything else, althought I am confortable doing approachs cause I never really felt a ''need and connection''

Officially single for 1 year soon.... been with around 30 women. Never liked the sex or the intimacy. I even got oneitis but I ask myself... why cause she's gorgeous but nothing special..... It made me understood and discover:

At 27, I discovered myself (my passions, however to manage my expections, stress, where I am heading and why): .I came to realize why and how I was behaving and for which reasons. I never been really attracted to women other than the ''feeling of wanting attention and be like the others'' once I understood... and started managing it. Life came easy.... girls say I look more calm, mature, good looking etc...

It's because I've found my frame, I read stuff here, books on self growth, experienced life, analyzed myself understood that building my power,social status, finances was more important to me than laid a women.... I decided to live in the present.... I act without expecting results unless a connection is made

So if you want to be like your big brother... do like I did: Learn to not put pressure on yourself, do 1 thing at a time even if you don't wanna do it or feel like it, keep building your frame (passions, work, school), don't be shy to act and talk cause you'll feel better if you do it and got rejected than if you did nothing, schedule your days and weeks (goal oriented - todolist), analyze your behaviour, go to parties with friend with a goal to develop your social skills,

Sometimes chasing is not good, let them come to you.... and build yourself.... what you feeling is rare but not unusual and the faster you stop fighting it and accept it, the faster you'll see results.

Live in the present, Do it,

 

[JohnChops]

Could he a hormone imbalancebut if you're depressed and always in a mood that can throw your hormones off balance too. I can tell. You this, sexual impedance is usually psychological. Fix your life, fix that problem. At 22 you should be rock hard 24/7.

Get some. Goals. Forget about. Women. Improve your life. It's simple. Simple is good.