need advice: 30 year old HB9 wants marriage and children

[BeExcellent]

My take for whatever its worth is a little different. Through my business I know many people (men and women) from outside the US. Arab and African cultures are very conservative compared to the US. She knows she has something to offer. A "good" woman from a conservative and traditional culture often will not even take the time to date someone at all unless she knows she is not going to be used as a fling. It is not what "good" women do in these cultures. Furthermore, usually in a conservative culture the family asks the questions that she has posed to the OP, and they ask in a rather pointed manner.

I have an Egyptian physician friend who met his wife to be in an emergency room in Cairo. His mother-in-law to be was ill, and he was the treating physician on staff. He met his wife as she tended her ill mother. They were married after a short courtship. He never saw her in any state of undress before they were married and he is very happy and would do it again. I asked him once why he got married so quickly. His response was that in his culture there were few opportunities to meet people you had attraction for and that as a man he knew to move quickly and choose his wife else someone else would.

I have another friend from a prominent family in an African country who lives in the US and is herself successful, beautiful and very smart. She is both confused and dismayed by US men who are not typically traditional in the sense she knows and because she doesn't want to be someone's "fling" she chooses not to date unless she knows the man has a serious interest in her. To do otherwise would disgrace her family. Her family are high ranking officials on an international stage and she dares not cause controversy that may reflect upon them back home. So she rarely dates. Same very traditional values.

So I think some consideration should be given due to the cultural differences. Only the OP can decide what is right for him.

You could make the argument that the happily married men on SS all have "oneitis" too. I think this site is hypocritical to on the one hand champion finding an unspoiled unicorn from a traditional family while she is young and locking her down, versus juggling plates. There are sometimes outlier situations in life and only the OP can make those decisions.

I have another friend who took a young Russian bride after a long distance relationship and a few meetings before they got married. She is beautiful, feminine, charming, submissive and sweet. He is VERY happy. Not everywhere is the dating scene like the US. The OP has to discuss her expectations with her in a direct and candid way. This is the only means by which he can determine her motives. The idea that her motives MUST automatically be bad is painting with a broad brush.

Her age would concern me far less than her values. How long has she been in US? Is she also studying for an advanced degree?

Typically long distance fails. Typically situations like this one fail. Only the OP can know what he should do. If she is Ethiopian and here for an education she is likely from a well-to-do family or influential family who can afford to send her here. The OP must make these decisions. I'm not sure how much help screaming "No" really is.

Maybe she's a unicorn. Who knows? It is easy to forget that they exist but they do. How many here would recognize one? That's more the trouble I think and that is for the OP to figure out.

 

[Young OG]

Do not get married. Its not worth it. You hand her a bomb she can pretty much drop at anytime she wants. When she drops it, you will lose your house and most of what you own. If you have a child with her, you will be paying child support. Marriage is a good arrangement for a woman, but its bad for a man.

 

[glass half full]

I believe you should get to know her family very well (this will tell you a lot about her). And her friends (same reason). don't be paranoid, just keep your head and be a detective. A friendly one of course...Ordinarily I would say nay on this in most cases, but this one you may have a genuine chance with. Watch, learn and most importantly listen to your gut instinct (not your balls! lol)

 

[Bible_Belt]

She's not bad looking, but I don't know if I'd call her a HB9.

Having kids when only one parent wants them is a pretty sh!tty thing to do to the kids. I always wondered why my dad was never that interested in me as a kid - turns out, mom tricked him into having me.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think live your dreams covered it. Don't get married.

 

[Rainman4707]

This situation you talk about. I would say no to getting married.

Unfortunatley, I agree with the principle of what my uncle told me & he's had two failed marriages. He said something similar to what "live your dreams" said "Don't get married or have kids with someone until you have been with them for eighteen months."

 

[visions]

Thanks for the input guys.
Do any of you have kids?

Do you think her upbringing is a mitigating factor?

I'm amazed that even though i lived like a cheapo in D.C., where people have money, she looked past my old car and frugal ways.

She later told me that when i approached her, she felt i was saying real things and that attracted her.

I agree a prenup is the way to go for any man that marries.

 

[sodbuster]

What religion?, How fat is mom? How close are your beliefs to hers? Do you get along with the family? All these things play a bigger part of your life than you'd guess.... I don't think you'd have as high a chance of Divorce with a traditionally minded woman....but, guard your heart and your money. Set up a pre-nup, set up a trust to put your house in, etc. But none of that matters if you get divorced in a liberal state.....

 

[visions]

What religion?, How fat is mom? How close are your beliefs to hers? Do you get along with the family? All these things play a bigger part of your life than you'd guess.... I don't think you'd have as high a chance of Divorce with a traditionally minded woman....but, guard your heart and your money. Set up a pre-nup, set up a trust to put your house in, etc. But none of that matters if you get divorced in a liberal state.....

I haven't seen her mom, but her brother is thin. Her parents are still together. She is Ethiopian Orthodox, i was raised Catholic but am now agnostic. Not sure if she really follows it, but doesn't appear religious. I grew up in a single mother household looking out for myself, and grew to disdain the world, telling myself i did not want to leave anything behind. But if i have kids i will.

 

[visions]

N O T A 9

Ok George Clooney

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If she sees you together now, then she'll see you together in three or four years from now. If you wait at least two years, you'll have lost NOTHING.

Don't tell her, but let it play out next year OR TWO. If she starts to push you, then that means she's not willing to wait. See how she handles having to WAIT TWO YEARS for any kind of a commitment from you.

If she CAN'T WAIT, she's not worth it. She'll end up causing more problems down the line. If she pushes now she's like a salesperson who needs to CLOSE NOW because the customer is never coming back.

ALSO, if she HAS TO WAIT, and she really wants YOU, she'll be spending those two years telling herself how much she wants you, which will lower the probability of future problems. (e.g. she won't give up on something she's invested so much mental and emotional effort in).

THIS IS HOW MEN TEST WOMEN.

Make them wait a year or two (or longer) for any kind of legal commitment. IF THEY BAIL THEY FAIL.

No matter what she says, no matter how you feel WAIT AT LEAST TWO YEARS for a paper commitment. Put half your wealth in escrow and have the escrow company give it to the Justin Bieber charity if you get married within two years.

 

[visions]

DJs, thanks for providing advice.

 

[Rainman4707]

I don't have any kids.

I have experienced over the last eighteen months, that the first ten years of a upbringing is crucial. It sets the platform for the rest of that persons life.

 

[vorbis]

Everyone is so quick to go negative.

She's not looking to get married tomorrow. She wants reassurance that you're interested in a long term relationship. You've been communicating in some form for over a year. It's a legitimate question. Only you can decide if you want a serious relationship with this girl.

 

[BeExcellent]

I've got 3 kids. Married 16 years. As I said above I think it's a unique situation. The OP will have to decide if it's right for him.

 

[pyros]

I think you two barely know each other.

Since she is 'conservative' and 'traditional' she sees you as a good catch and that's why she thinks about marriage, JUST BECAUSE OF THIS. In other words, a very selfish wish.

It doesnt matter where she's from, you must get to know her for at least a couple of years, and also live together for a couple of years BEFORE CONSIDERING HER MARRIAGE MATERIAL. It doesnt have anything to do with where she's from.
She could be from Poland and be a crazyselfish slvt, or r she could be from Australia and be a nice loving mentally stable woman.

Oh, I forgot, SHE'S DEFINETELY NOT A HB9, for God's sake. Lmao...
HB7.5 at best.

 

[vorbis]

To reiterate my point
"In November 2014 I met an HB9 at a mall in D.C (cold approaching). At the time she was 28 years old (she turned 30 last October)"

They may not have psychically in the same place for long but they have had some sort of contact going for 2 years.
Thats's definitely enough contact for her to ask him if he actually wants a serious relationship.
There's nothing selfish about that.

I'm not even sure what some of the people here are suggesting.
If she was willing to hook up with someone who doesn't want something serious, people here would not view her as a "proper girl" and that she's "not worthy of dating"

 

[Alvafe]

some sort of contact for 2 years is not the same a being together for 2 years, people who date for 2 years, only seeing each other during weekends or some time in a month don't know each other well enough, in both cases you will see each other only when both are well behaved, and in they best form, you need a little more contact to know each other well, sending msg and skyping is not the same.

if the open want to date her is ok, but I tell you this, don't marry her too soon, date and be together for at least 3 years, if she don't agree and want to marry fast something is wrong, also consider this she is female, if she is such a catch, pray tell, why she is still single?