Finally broke up with bpd gf, her reaction got me down. Just need to vent.

[fastlife]

having sympathy for them is not equal to being codependent. although maybe I was being one during the relationship. I mean, some people here see them as these monsters that are out to get you and take pleasure from hurting you. they're not.

I definitely don't see them as monsters. Anger, in general, is a weak emotion and a lot of men use it as an attempt to reclaim a sense of agency they lost and willingly gave up in the face of manipulation. Monstrosizing pwBPD helps them reconcile their own victimization (and it's a good thing that you're not in that mindset).

That said, there are literally billions of people that you could have sympathy for--that need help and compassion--doesn't mean that you should be in a relationship with any of them or sacrifice your personal happiness for their well-being.

 

[Asmodeus]

"I feel that BPD's are being harshly stigmatized on this forum and basically everywhere though. People need to remember that many of the things they do come from the subconscious as coping mechanisms. It's not like they're out to purposefully hurt you. They're just sick human beings that need help and compassion, although probably it's not us who can provide them."
They are mentally ill and there is no cure for insanity. It is not a coping mechanism it is who they are. BPD is a personality disorder, it is their personality. I have mental illness (not BPD but I have been diagnosed with psychopathy) and it is literally me and who I am and how I think. If I get in a relationship with a woman it is going to end bad, with me hurting them and I know that and am aware of that. They are not purposely out to hurt you, but they cannot stop if you think otherwise then you will be mistaken. Trying to help and provide compassion to them will only lead them to parasitize on you as they cannot do anything else, it is who they are. That is the sad part... People think as if there is hope but there is not any.

 

[El Payaso]

I feel that BPD's are being harshly stigmatized on this forum and basically everywhere though. People need to remember that many of the things they do come from the subconscious as coping mechanisms. It's not like they're out to purposefully hurt you. They're just sick human beings that need help and compassion, although probably it's not us who can provide them.

Rubbish.

 

[Infern0]

"I feel that BPD's are being harshly stigmatized on this forum and basically everywhere though. People need to remember that many of the things they do come from the subconscious as coping mechanisms. It's not like they're out to purposefully hurt you. They're just sick human beings that need help and compassion, although probably it's not us who can provide them."
They are mentally ill and there is no cure for insanity. It is not a coping mechanism it is who they are. BPD is a personality disorder, it is their personality. I have mental illness (not BPD but I have been diagnosed with psychopathy) and it is literally me and who I am and how I think. If I get in a relationship with a woman it is going to end bad, with me hurting them and I know that and am aware of that. They are not purposely out to hurt you, but they cannot stop if you think otherwise then you will be mistaken. Trying to help and provide compassion to them will only lead them to parasitize on you as they cannot do anything else, it is who they are. That is the sad part... People think as if there is hope but there is not any.

The difference between you (ASPD) and borderlines is that you are too far gone to ever be redeemed.

Borderlines, as long as the diagnosis of BPD is accurate and it's not comorbid ASPD, DO have the ability to make progress in therapy, granted they may never be 100% healthy but they can get to a point of stability, because they DO feel emotions, they just have no emotional control and have developed deep seated ways of thinking and dealing with things. Most borderlines hate themselves and hate themselves for what they do to people, because they do on some level posess empathy, it's just buried under piles of other crap.

I'm not suggesting that people get involved, or try to help, or spend too much time feeling sympathy, but it's not correct to label them as reprehensible monsters with no emotion, they are just very sick people who are unlikely to recover, and who's sickness is likely to damage those around them.

I think on this subject, and many others your words should be taken with a grain of sal, and people should be mindful to remember WHAT you are. A self admitted psycopath.

 

[Asmodeus]

High functioning... You forgot that part... Could have chosen to blend, if I wanted to, and can subjugate my baser instincts for long term reward. Very useful, prevents me from being one of those weak fools who cannot appropriately calculate risk and reward. Impulsivity is a trait of the weak. I kind of prefer to not need to wear a mask, it gets so... tiresome... I rather pass the time in hobbies that do not provide any real benefit to myself other than keeping the boredom out of my mind without having to put effort up to maintain an image.
But you are correct about psychopathy. One who has read his DSM-V (and actually categorized it under the correct subheading ASPD).
However, you are still wrong about BPD. There is no cure for BPD or any other personality disorder, they are sick and they are never likely to recover. Not "unlikely", the right word choice is never. Their may function better, they may gain some self awareness (as can any type of personality disorder). But they never change, that is the one principle of a personality disorder.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

BPD is a terrible mental illness, and there is no cure for insanity. BPD women are emotional parasites. A parasite will never love you. A parasite will only feed off the emotions you give, feed off your time, feed off of your investment into them.
I understand the mind of a parasite.

So what can you gain out of "helping" it?

 

[Asmodeus]

Let me clarify… A mental illness does not make the person a monster…I do not believe in good or evil, a monster suggests that a person is somehow evil in their nature. Not even a psychopath is evil or a monster.

A tornado is not evil because it destroys a home, no it is just a force of nature. That is BPD, it is them and who they are. There is no intent they just do.

That being said, the only way a BPD person can be managed is if they become fully aware of themselves. If they put a stop to their own actions… The only actual way to control it is to prevent themselves from being in relationships, to be direct with your associates about who you are so that they can understand any irrational behavior from you. The problem about BPD is that it is hard for them to put a stop to their own actions, as they almost seek out relationships to fill their need.

 

[Infern0]

High functioning... You forgot that part... Could have chosen to blend, if I wanted to, and can subjugate my baser instincts for long term reward. Very useful, prevents me from being one of those weak fools who cannot appropriately calculate risk and reward. Impulsivity is a trait of the weak. I kind of prefer to not need to wear a mask, it gets so... tiresome... I rather pass the time in hobbies that do not provide any real benefit to myself other than keeping the boredom out of my mind without having to put effort up to maintain an image.
But you are correct about psychopathy. One who has read his DSM-V (and actually categorized it under the correct subheading ASPD).
However, you are still wrong about BPD. There is no cure for BPD or any other personality disorder, they are sick and they are never likely to recover. Not "unlikely", the right word choice is never. Their may function better, they may gain some self awareness (as can any type of personality disorder). But they never change, that is the one principle of a personality disorder.

Whilst I do appreciate your insight, I belive it may be compromised somewhat, much as Sam Vaknin (also ASPD) is able to have a solid understanding of the fundamentals.

Whilst i agree it is very, very unlikely a BPD will ever improve I still believe with a LOT of DBT and real effort on their part, they do have the potential to make great strides, potential is the key word here, as it is likely to go unfulfilled. As I said they do have emotion and empathy (which you youself know is not the case with ASPD) and I think that is the key to recovery.

Ultimately the diagnosis rate for BPD is low, and those who are diagnosed very few go into therapy, and many who do are given the wrong therapy, so we really don't know an accurate remission rate.

In the end, the chances of success are so low as to be almost void.

I am interested, have you yourself ever been involved with a BPD? Your condition would make you immune to most of their tactics, so i'd be interested in how things went down if you have been.

 

[Asmodeus]

I have, and it makes me immune... In fact in the Dark Triad thread I had it was mentioned. A person who is a psychopath (mind you it is on a spectrum) can deal with the highs and lows, as the BPD uses your own empathy and pity against you. They also go from idealizing you (feeding the narcissistic qualities), to devaluation which does not even bug me as by that point I already am basically as bad as they think I am. They are very passionate at first too. I would say it is not as pathologic a relationship as one would assume.
Also, BPD women seem to bounce back really quickly. Because they devalue the psychopath, they are easily able to rebound from it without any lasting emotional effects. A strange, but perhaps perfect union of pathologies.
Crazy right? (pun intended)

 

[Asmodeus]

Ha, you are a psychologist, or work in mental health... I figured it out.
And I have enough awareness to try and prevent myself from getting into long term relationships with women. Eventually it will end due to my coldness or an irrational fit, or worse. And then create another one of those people going to those help groups for people who were in a relationship with psychopath. It is not noble, it is calculated and I do not want to get bitten back in the ass for it. Of course I have needs and desires, but I try to fulfill those with doing as little "destruction" as possible. Which is why I go for flings and short term stuff. We are not devoid of feelings, we have desire, at the very least we have lust and sometimes like you we confuse it for love. I am not sure though, I am not sure what love really is. I do not know if it is loneliness, but I do feel a kind of boredom. We seek desire from others, we seek to be "loved"... Is that just narcissism? or is an inherent human nature? Not sure... What I am saying is that there is a reason why people like me often have and seek relationships and it is not always out of a desire to control or abuse. There is a difference between sadism and anti social personality. I think that these occur in the relationship as products of our nature. Just like how a BPD woman destroys her relationships as part of her nature, I am sure she actually believes she wants love.
We are just a hurricane, a force of nature. But a hurricane is still something dangerous. If a BPD is a monster, than I am no different (in fact likely worse).
Part of the reason I am on this forum which mostly discusses having casual flings and sexual encounters and tips on getting them. Of course my main reason to cure my boredom of course (a very interesting part of the condition that is never even discussed, do you know that psychopaths are often insomniacs and get little sleep an require being almost constantly engaged in something? If you are a psychologist you should do a study on that as I do not think it has been looked into much.)

 

[LiveYourDream]

A person who is a psychopath....

I appreciate your candidly and openly sharing your perceptions, desires and experience, as a psychopath. As psychopathy falls along a spectrum, I am curious where does your diagnosis fall and how was it made?
(If you don't mind sharing. I understand if you'd rather not as well.)

 

[Infern0]

Ha, you are a psychologist, or work in mental health... I figured it out.
And I have enough awareness to try and prevent myself from getting into long term relationships with women. Entually it will end due to my coldness or an irrational fit, or worse. And then create another one of those people going to those help groups for people who were in a relationship with psychopath. It is not noble, it is calculated and I do not want to get bitten back in the ass for it. Of course I have needs and desires, but I try to fulfill those with doing as little "destruction" as possible. Which is why I go for flings and short term stuff. We are not devoid of feelings, we have desire, at the very least we have lust and sometimes like you we confuse it for love. I am not sure though, I am not sure what love really is. I do not know if it is loneliness, but I do feel a kind of boredom. We seek desire from others, we seek to be "loved"... Is that just narcissism? or is an inherent human nature? Not sure... What I am saying is that there is a reason why people like me often have and seek relationships and it is not always out of a desire to control or abuse. There is a difference between sadism and anti social personality. I think that these occur in the relationship as products of our nature. Just like how a BPD woman destroys her relationships as part of her nature, I am sure she actually believes she wants love.
We are just a hurricane, a force of nature. But a hurricane is still something dangerous. If a BPD is a monster, than I am no different (in fact likely worse).
Part of the reason I am on this forum which mostly discusses having casual flings and sexual encounters and tips on getting them. Of course my main reason to cure my boredom of course (a very interesting part of the condition that is never even discussed, do you know that psychopaths are often insomniacs and get little sleep an require being almost constantly engaged in something? If you are a psychologist you should do a study on that as I do not think it has been looked into much.)

I have a psychology background but am branching into life coaching now as I feel an overall approach is better for many than a pure therapy based one. I won't be attempting to coach personality disordered individuals though (unless they have a sustained history of DBT therapy)

It is interesting to note that as you say you are a "hurricane" and equate BPD's to a force of nature, while this can be true, it is only such to those who have the opposite end of the spectrum (codependents), healthy, whole individuals tend to think BPD's are just "odd" and don't pay them much mind.

My BPD ex girlfriend was also an insomniac, she had to take heavy sleeping medication to get off to sleep, if she did not take it she would be hyperactive, one morning she was up at 4am cleaning and cooking me breakfast, with the energy i'd have if i had about 4 red bulls.

The insomnia isn't as confusing as the huge amount of energy on such little sleep.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I have a psychology background but am branching into life coaching now as I feel an overall approach is better for many than a pure therapy based one. I won't be attempting to coach personality disordered individuals though (unless they have a sustained history of DBT therapy)

It is interesting to note that as you say you are a "hurricane" and equate BPD's to a force of nature, while this can be true, it is only such to those who have the opposite end of the spectrum (codependents), healthy, whole individuals tend to think BPD's are just "odd" and don't pay them much mind.

My BPD ex girlfriend was also an insomniac, she had to take heavy sleeping medication to get off to sleep, if she did not take it she would be hyperactive, one morning she was up at 4am cleaning and cooking me breakfast, with the energy i'd have if i had about 4 red bulls.

The insomnia isn't as confusing as the huge amount of energy on such little sleep.

It's adrenaline.

 

[quizling]

The sleep pattern thing is so common I have sometimes wondered if it should be included as a red flag for women in general.

Each BPD girl I've known has found it very difficult to get to sleep, having massive energy all night long, staying up sometimes for days, and usually requiring medication or drugs to drop off. Then they would sleep for very long periods of time, a strange deep sleep where they would be very difficult to rouse, make little noise or snore and appear as if dead for hours, then eventually wake up and take several hours to get out of bed and dressed etc. But once up, they would rapidly find masses of energy and begin all over again.

I did read something once suggesting that BPDs etc have a different kind of REM sleep, which affect them. Nowadays I make a mental note if a woman tells me she struggles to both get to sleep and get up in the morning.

 

[Asmodeus]

That is so interesting. I did not realize BPD also had that... I mean I have not quite noticed it. From what I can tell, it does not seem to have as much of an effect on me as it would on someone else. Curious, but I could not find any info. My curiosity is likely now going to have me digging to figure this out. It is surprising that two cluster B personality disorders have this same trait too. Hmm... There could be something interesting here.
Well, I think it is a gift.
And as for my diagnosis... I was put in Brooke Glen behavioral hospital... Was put in there by family. Upscale joint, so you know my family has a bit of money. Had a history of doing some, screwed up stuff. One thing got them concerned however and they decided I needed a bit of care. The diagnosis came through there, ASPD. I had conduct issues when I was a kid, a few problems here and there. They can only diagnose you at 18 with it...
I am not going to say why, it is not productive of me to. I do not care about it or my reputation here, but I do care about things like self-incrimination.