Not Keen On My Girlfriend Going To Clubs & Bars?

[Atom Smasher]

OP, you're letting this consume you. You're stuck in emotional quicksand and you need to get out.

Have you tested her compliance by laying down the law on other, more minor issues? Is she submissive to you? Therein lies the prediction of her future behavior.

Personally, I will not be in a relationship with a woman who goes out drinking with the girls. Dinner is one thing, bar scene is another. I like to establish boundaries REAL early, and all my girlfriends have responded well.

Have you created a balance in your relationship where she fears losing you? If not, why not? It's critically important that a woman values you higher than yourself. You're going to need to handle this hypothetical situation if and when it comes up. If she says she wants to go out drinking with her friends, tell her it's not appropriate for your relationship in a rock-solid, matter-of-fact, non-apologetic way. If she persists and makes a big stink about it, you can either let her steamroll over you and go out against your wishes, or you can say, "You know, perhaps you're right. I've been thinking it might be time for us to separate for a while". In other words, let her know that her behavior is going to have consequences and that you can and will walk away. No big lecture, no discussion. Very matter-of-fact and conversational. She will either respect your position or she will defy you. If she defies you then you can be certain that it would have happened eventually anyway.

Women need to be taught that they are accountable in a committed relationship. How about those two questions I asked in blue up above?

The way to handle tomorrow's potential misbehavior is to be dominant in your relationship today. You're the king of your kingdom and you need to be recognized as such.

 

[grayclif]

She's 45 bro!

 

[marmel75]

Let's be honest OP.

You are worried about her going out and getting railed by someone else.

I think you need to change more than she does at this point. Toxic mindset.

 

[YawataNoKami]

She is 45 , grown up kids , drinking a lot , clubs , girls nights ...................my friend ,she is trying to jump back to the carousel. This is her second "chance" to live the eat,pray,love,whoring thing. You may not like it what I say but it is what it is.Pump and dump.

Why are you dating someone who is older than you. I am almost your age and I do not date women above 34........

 

[GetFit66]

You are 40 years old, average across the board, dating far outside your comfort zone, going through hell consistently, I can't figure out why it makes sense to you to get into LTRs with these women.

If they were of your mindset I would understand.
If they were just pump and dumps and you were looking for a good time, doing multiple women/not committed, I would understand.
If you want just casual relationships with them I WOULD COMPLETELY understand.

Find some nice Asian, Czech, Italian, Japanese girl. Or screw it, settle down with some middle eastern girl and have a family. I doubt your sex life will compare to that for you.

She is 45 , grown up kids , drinking a lot , clubs , girls nights ...................my friend ,she is trying to jump back to the carousel. This is her second "chance" to live the eat,pray,love,whoring thing. You may not like it what I say but it is what it is.Pump and dump.

Why are you dating someone who is older than you. I am almost your age and I do not date women above 34........

She makes a good living, if I was her I wouldn't live any differently! I doubt she is serious with him.

 

[soulforge]

OP, you're letting this consume you. You're stuck in emotional quicksand and you need to get out.

Have you tested her compliance by laying down the law on other, more minor issues? Is she submissive to you? Therein lies the prediction of her future behavior.

Personally, I will not be in a relationship with a woman who goes out drinking with the girls. Dinner is one thing, bar scene is another. I like to establish boundaries REAL early, and all my girlfriends have responded well.

Have you created a balance in your relationship where she fears losing you? If not, why not? It's critically important that a woman values you higher than yourself. You're going to need to handle this hypothetical situation if and when it comes up. If she says she wants to go out drinking with her friends, tell her it's not appropriate for your relationship in a rock-solid, matter-of-fact, non-apologetic way. If she persists and makes a big stink about it, you can either let her steamroll over you and go out against your wishes, or you can say, "You know, perhaps you're right. I've been thinking it might be time for us to separate for a while". In other words, let her know that her behavior is going to have consequences and that you can and will walk away. No big lecture, no discussion. Very matter-of-fact and conversational. She will either respect your position or she will defy you. If she defies you then you can be certain that it would have happened eventually anyway.

Women need to be taught that they are accountable in a committed relationship. How about those two questions I asked in blue up above?

The way to handle tomorrow's potential misbehavior is to be dominant in your relationship today. You're the king of your kingdom and you need to be recognized as such.

OP, you're letting this consume you. You're stuck in emotional quicksand and you need to get out.

Have you tested her compliance by laying down the law on other, more minor issues? Is she submissive to you? Therein lies the prediction of her future behavior.

Personally, I will not be in a relationship with a woman who goes out drinking with the girls. Dinner is one thing, bar scene is another. I like to establish boundaries REAL early, and all my girlfriends have responded well.

Have you created a balance in your relationship where she fears losing you? If not, why not? It's critically important that a woman values you higher than yourself. You're going to need to handle this hypothetical situation if and when it comes up. If she says she wants to go out drinking with her friends, tell her it's not appropriate for your relationship in a rock-solid, matter-of-fact, non-apologetic way. If she persists and makes a big stink about it, you can either let her steamroll over you and go out against your wishes, or you can say, "You know, perhaps you're right. I've been thinking it might be time for us to separate for a while". In other words, let her know that her behavior is going to have consequences and that you can and will walk away. No big lecture, no discussion. Very matter-of-fact and conversational. She will either respect your position or she will defy you. If she defies you then you can be certain that it would have happened eventually anyway.

Women need to be taught that they are accountable in a committed relationship. How about those two questions I asked in blue up above?

The way to handle tomorrow's potential misbehavior is to be dominant in your relationship today. You're the king of your kingdom and you need to be recognized as such.

Hello atom, well I have established one or two rules with her from the offset of the relationship..

In the first couple of months of dating she did something that i found disrespectful, and i soft nexted her..

I made it clear to her, drama or disrespect is something i do not tolerate from anyone!

The only issue that has not been properly dealt with, is regarding her going out to bars or clubs.

There has only been one occasion where she has gone out to a bar, and that was on her daughters birthday.. i let it go and did not create an issue as it was a family occasion!

She has now asked me to come to a club with her on New Years Eve, and again its another one of her daughters birthday... so i agreed, even tho i dislike clubs.

At this point i do feel like i need to have a chat with her, and tell her that clubs/bars etc is not something i find acceptable in a relationship..

I will not make a big fuss of it... i will keep it short, to the point, and keep a strong frame!!

If she reacts positively, then thats great... if she creates a fuss over it, then i know we are likely to have problems and a LTR with her will not work out

 

[Atom Smasher]

soulforge, the thing I'm not clear on is why this has become such a big thing in your mind since there doesn't seem to be a precipitating event?

Again, I'm in complete agreement about girlfriends not going out clubbing. If you really do feel compelled to handle it now, you might consider a very subtle segue into it. Perhaps bring up a single married women you both see at a bar or club, or some other very subtle reason to bring up your relationship and expectations. Not to be patronizing, but just a reminder to remember that women speak and understand covertly and they will usually catch onto a covert warning, especially if it's given out of the blue and is unexpected.

It reminds me of the recent "accidental" overflight of B-52s over Chinese territory. Our overt statement: "Oops, our mistake. We were off course". Actual message (which was understood by the Chinese), "Never forget that we can F you over if ever we need to."

 

[Lozboss]

Soul, we've known each other a while.

Don't screw this relationship by over analyzing and over thinking things. You're you own worse enemy. Give people the ebenfit of the doubt and if they betray your trust you dump them. Simple as.

Women want to feel free, you'll find that be restricting her you will make her rebel. If you're laid back and don't care you'll soon find she doesn't have the urge.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

She is 45 , grown up kids , drinking a lot , clubs , girls nights ...................my friend ,she is trying to jump back to the carousel. This is her second "chance" to live the eat,pray,love,whoring thing. You may not like it what I say but it is what it is.Pump and dump.

Why are you dating someone who is older than you. I am almost your age and I do not date women above 34........

maybe this is what's happening soulforge, read The Rational Male: Preventive Medicine. Anyhow, by what you are saying, she is not thinking about clubbing at all, it's just special ocasions, so I will say: chill out for the moment.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I agree. It's better to set boundaries through friendly, relaxed conversation, creating the climate of mutual agreement of expectations than to cover the subject out of the blue. A man who is on top of his game creates those conversations when all the elements of the relationship align. In other words when you can create a natural, covert flow. I call that leveraging the "forces". In other words, the mood is right, the setting, the time of day, time of year, etc. You can elicit agreement out of a girl about almost anything when you align the forces.

Unless there is more to the story we don't know about, it does seem that an insecurity is rising up in you and gaining momentum. You're understandably looking to relieve the tension. I've been there many, many times.

I recommend that you keep on talking it out here to relieve the tension rather than creating stress in the relationship that may not be necessary. After a while you will know whether it's something that needs to be directly addressed or whether it's just a temporary anxiety. When something isn't urgent time-wise I try to be very slow to address it in order to allow for introspection and clarity of motive.

 

[skinnyguy]

The answer is.....to find better and younger girls. This one is only good for fvking.

Completely agreed. She's 45, I'm guessing she's divorced, and she likes clubbing. That's good for nothing other than sportfvcking. You should have higher standards and have a committed relationship who is younger and not on the carousel

 

[Reykhel]

I think you want out bro and you're looking for an excuse......

Too much doubt about this one. Doubt is riddled throughout your threads regarding
her.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

The only issue that has not been properly dealt with, is regarding her going out to bars or clubs.

There has only been one occasion where she has gone out to a bar, and that was on her daughters birthday.. i let it go and did not create an issue as it was a family occasion!

Soooo, lemme get this straight: since you've been dating, the only two times she's expressed a desire to go to the club is when both of her daughters were having birthdays... at no other time has she talked to you about wanting to go to a club?

Dude... THIS IS A F--KIN' NON-ISSUE.

Seriously. Let it go. LET IT GO.

She hasn't shown enough of a pattern in the actual relationship of her going to clubs for this to warrant any kind of conversation.

Also, just because YOU dislike something doesn't mean you can suddenly restrict her from doing that same thing. She doesn't go to clubs enough at this point to warrant a fight when she actually DOES go.

Funny side-story: I've been to strip clubs before, including while being in a relationship. The relationship I'm in now, when I first told her about going to a strip club she flipped her lid! Why? Same excuses you have - I might cheat, or get aroused, etc. I had to explain to her that I RARELY go to strip clubs (I find them pointless - spending money on girls I'm not taking home doesn't make sense), save for the occasional bachelor party or Vegas outing with friends.

Because of this, I don't want to be given ANY crap the one or two times a year I end up at one because I don't spend the majority of my time there.

THIS feels like that same situation. You have a woman, who's been with you for a while, that's only asked you if she can go to a club twice (and the fact that she even asked you is a BIG sign of respect, 'cause as a grown-@ss woman she really doesn't have to), and you're just about ready to cry over it?? How manly is THAT?!?

At this point i do feel like i need to have a chat with her, and tell her that clubs/bars etc is not something i find acceptable in a relationship.. I will not make a big fuss of it... i will keep it short, to the point, and keep a strong frame!!

Oh, I LOVE this one. Every guy on here says the same thing - "I'm going to complain about a non-issue to my girl, but keep my strong frame!!"

Reality check: once you bring it up, it's (a) going to be seen as a big issue, and (b) your frame will NOT be intact because she's going to see it as you whining about nothing and/or trying to control her.

Dude, seriously... LET. IT. GO.

 

[Lozboss]

Soooo, lemme get this straight: since you've been dating, the only two times she's expressed a desire to go to the club is when both of her daughters were having birthdays... at no other time has she talked to you about wanting to go to a club?

Dude... THIS IS A F--KIN' NON-ISSUE.

Seriously. Let it go. LET IT GO.

She hasn't shown enough of a pattern in the actual relationship of her going to clubs for this to warrant any kind of conversation.

Also, just because YOU dislike something doesn't mean you can suddenly restrict her from doing that same thing. She doesn't go to clubs enough at this point to warrant a fight when she actually DOES go.

Funny side-story: I've been to strip clubs before, including while being in a relationship. The relationship I'm in now, when I first told her about going to a strip club she flipped her lid! Why? Same excuses you have - I might cheat, or get aroused, etc. I had to explain to her that I RARELY go to strip clubs (I find them pointless - spending money on girls I'm not taking home doesn't make sense), save for the occasional bachelor party or Vegas outing with friends.

Because of this, I don't want to be given ANY crap the one or two times a year I end up at one because I don't spend the majority of my time there.

THIS feels like that same situation. You have a woman, who's been with you for a while, that's only asked you if she can go to a club twice (and the fact that she even asked you is a BIG sign of respect, 'cause as a grown-@ss woman she really doesn't have to), and you're just about ready to cry over it?? How manly is THAT?!?



Oh, I LOVE this one. Every guy on here says the same thing - "I'm going to complain about a non-issue to my girl, but keep my strong frame!!"

Reality check: once you bring it up, it's (a) going to be seen as a big issue, and (b) your frame will NOT be intact because she's going to see it as you whining about nothing and/or trying to control her.

Dude, seriously... LET. IT. GO.

Harry 100% as always.

Good to see you back and active.

 

[RangerMIke]

You haven't said anything that indicates this is a REAL problem... it's not like she is coming home at 2am serval night a week where the sweat has dried on her dress.. hair messed up.

My guess is that there is something else going on that is really bothering you... look inside yourself and figure out what she is doing that bothers you and go find a woman that doesn't do that. I think you are just getting tired of her and you are looking for reasons to start arguments.

 

[soulforge]

Hey guys i just wanted to update... so new years eve we both ended up in this club... and niether one of us felt comfortable there!!

I,m just not into the bar and club scene at all

Here is the problem... before we started dating, she was going to bars very often, and was drinking alot too.

She has 3 teen daughters who drink alot.. and they go to bars and clubs alot.. she seems to be influenced by them quite abit..

So far she has only been out to bars on around 3 or 4 occasions and that was at the early part of us dating..


How do you guys feel about your GF going to bars? She has gone to a Cuban bar/ restaurant tonight..

Is there a difference between a restaurant bar and a normal drinking bar??

 

[FCB]

Hey guys i just wanted to update... so new years eve we both ended up in this club... and niether one of us felt comfortable there!!

I,m just not into the bar and club scene at all

Here is the problem... before we started dating, she was going to bars very often, and was drinking alot too.

She has 3 teen daughters who drink alot.. and they go to bars and clubs alot.. she seems to be influenced by them quite abit..

So far she has only been out to bars on around 3 or 4 occasions and that was at the early part of us dating..


How do you guys feel about your GF going to bars? She has gone to a Cuban bar/ restaurant tonight..

Is there a difference between a restaurant bar and a normal drinking bar??

Why the **** would anyone give you advice, people have posted multiple good options but you ignore and continue saying the same things over and over and are letting your insecurity dominate your thoughts. I'll give it one more shot to see if you can get out of your hamster wheel of clingy and insecure behavior. Here's whats happening, you started a LTR with a women who is 45 and loves going to clubs and bars. You chose the women as is, and now you have fallen for her and are worried she'll continue to do what she did when she was single (which may not be the case based on her behaviour, age and that she isn't single and looking anymore). In reality you don't have anything concrete to worry about, but you are worried you're going to get more and more emotionally involved and won't be able to deal with the fall out if she backslides to a 45 y/o clubber. If you think she has red flags and knowing her think she is likely to cheat and won't respect you then thats a whole different issue. In reality you are getting needy and clingy and you are going to send up flags that you can't handle her and are being a needy/emotional ***** which will be exactly the type of actions that will lead her to lose respect for you and decide to go out clubbing and cheat on you.

The best play is to no allow yourself to be so invested that you can't cut the cord if she starts disrespecting you and doing things you aren't ok with, lead with your actions and maintain your own world and frame and that will be the biggest deterrent for her going out and ****ing other men, which is what you fear. If it comes up in the future then evaluate her actions, don't hide from who she is, listen to what her actions are saying to you, and at that point you can make it clear what you are not ok with. Fear and worrying is what will drive a women to want to discard you, being confident and not smothering while being able to walk away at any point if her actions don't line up with what you want is what will keep her acting correctly and happy.

 

[soulforge]

Why the **** would anyone give you advice, people have posted multiple good options but you ignore and continue saying the same things over and over and are letting your insecurity dominate your thoughts. I'll give it one more shot to see if you can get out of your hamster wheel of clingy and insecure behavior. Here's whats happening, you started a LTR with a women who is 45 and loves going to clubs and bars. You chose the women as is, and now you have fallen for her and are worried she'll continue to do what she did when she was single (which may not be the case based on her behaviour, age and that she isn't single and looking anymore). In reality you don't have anything concrete to worry about, but you are worried you're going to get more and more emotionally involved and won't be able to deal with the fall out if she backslides to a 45 y/o clubber. If you think she has red flags and knowing her think she is likely to cheat and won't respect you then thats a whole different issue. In reality you are getting needy and clingy and you are going to send up flags that you can't handle her and are being a needy/emotional ***** which will be exactly the type of actions that will lead her to lose respect for you and decide to go out clubbing and cheat on you.

The best play is to no allow yourself to be so invested that you can't cut the cord if she starts disrespecting you and doing things you aren't ok with, lead with your actions and maintain your own world and frame and that will be the biggest deterrent for her going out and ****ing other men, which is what you fear. If it comes up in the future then evaluate her actions, don't hide from who she is, listen to what her actions are saying to you, and at that point you can make it clear what you are not ok with. Fear and worrying is what will drive a women to want to discard you, being confident and not smothering while being able to walk away at any point if her actions don't line up with what you want is what will keep her acting correctly and happy.

I appreciate your advice mate.. i really do... she is out tonight and has been going to a few bars!!

She is out in various bars, and she knows quite well its not something i want in the relationship..

And yes that is not the sort of life i want with her.. i have not complained about it.. but it seems to me, this is going to become a regular accurance with her..

I think rather than bitchingg and moaning about it to her.. i need to re consider this relationship!!

Take a step back, stop investing as much in her.. gut instinct tells me, she will fall back into the nightlife.

 

[soulforge]

I asked her tonight what she is upto, and she avoided my question.. then she tells me she in a bar.. she told me when i asked her the 2nd time around..

Talk about dodging questions..

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I appreciate your advice mate.. i really do... she is out tonight and has been going to a few bars!!

She is out in various bars, and she knows quite well its not something i want in the relationship..

And yes that is not the sort of life i want with her.. i have not complained about it.. but it seems to me, this is going to become a regular accurance with her..

I think rather than *****ingg and moaning about it to her.. i need to re consider this relationship!!

Take a step back, stop investing as much in her.. gut instinct tells me, she will fall back into the nightlife.

She actually might be out there more because she has you to count on. I'd ask to be invited occasionally. Tell her it's not your thing but it's something you can do together and see if she wants you in there.