Am I just a damn chump or could I get a free pass on this one?

[whackamobob]

Whats up guys, I came across this forum and have been lurking around since my breakup with a diagnosed borderline disordered girl. theres something thats been bothering me a lot about the relationship and I'm thinking you lot are the right people to ask about it. Sorry for the long post in advance!

I read a lot about boundaries, and how a bpd can be kept in check and a relationship even work if strict boundaries are set, and respect is commanded from the bpd. This really has me thinking. I couldn't keep my boundaries up. By the time we broke up, I was begging her to take me back, doing things I don't even want to mention.

Here's the problem... she used pity to control me and break my boundaries down. Here's a list of things that ailed her by the end of our year together:

- Her grandparents molested her
- Her mother was passive; knew about the abuse but did nothing
- Her father abandoned her
- Her ex was physically abusive and cheated on her
- Aenemic
- Allergic to gluten
- Lactose intolerant
- Allergic to mangoes
- Digestive issues
- Chronic lower back pain (car accident)
- Allergic to the sun
- Bipolar + BPD (BPD was diagnosed during the last month of r/s)
- Suffering from cancer (Leukaemia) <--- THIS IS WHERE ALL OF MY BOUNDARIES CRASHED.
- All friends had either gotten married, moved out of the city or aren't in contact anymore, all other friends are superficial
- Frequently felt alone
- Suicide threats in the form of going missing and coming back completely messed up on cocaine and telling me she was trying to OD because I triggered her

All this, and she said I was the only person she'd ever met who made her see color in life. I was in love with her and she revealed these things slowly, so I was in too deep by the time it had all surfaced. I actually started off with pretty good boundaries. I made it clear after the first time that if she disrespected me again, I'm gone. It wasn't until the leukaemia that my boundaries really started dissolving. I was a 25 year old man in his first serious relationship, and my girlfriend was telling me two things:

1.) she has cancer and her doctors say she might not make it to my birthday (5 months away when she told me)

2.) she is very sensitive, and the smallest hint of rejection will trigger her and she will go missing on me only to show up the next day sketching on coke, telling me she tried to OD herself.

I couldn't keep my ground, and I lost control. I started putting her happiness above my self-respect because I thought she only had a few months left to live.

Fast forward to now, and she broke up with me and had my replacement lined up after I summoned the balls to bring up one of the nights she disappeared (I had some questions and suspected that she cheated). This, of course, proved to me that she was, in fact, cheating. The fact that we are two months past my birthday now and she hardly looks like she's dying of leukaemia proves that was a lie as well. Now I feel like a chump for letting her walk all over me while we were together, and I feel like a chump for writing her love letters trying to get her back post-breakup. She actually picked up her phone once while she was with my replacement and her tone of voice said that IM the crazy one.

I thought this girl was going to die, man. I tried to save a ho, I know. But for real, I really thought that best case scenario, I could make her happy until the leukaemia took her. I was such a ****ing chump. I know... Can I get a free pass on this one? This was going to fail EVEN IF I had boundaries made of fvcking diamonds, right? I got no other relationship to compare this to.

 

[FCB]

You're not a piece of ****, that's a good thing. You can't fix anyone for them especially someone with issues as big as this one, you learn and move on and be happy that you dodged a massive, massive bullet. Coming from someone who tried to be captain save a ho a few times, you have to learn to not fall for them trying to use pity or guilt to manipulate you, stand your ground and stick to your boundaries no matter what and communicate as much.

 

[Glumix]

Yeah, they are lying. Everything is a lie with those girls. I was a chump like you and 1 month after the breakup I still spend night wide awake hating myself for being such a chump.

If I look back to my relationship I ask myself one question : do you really want a girl who destroy you because you are nice and kind ? I don't care being dumped but destroyed ?

I try to focus my anger on myself and that will prevent me being a chump again. I hate her so much that I offered her the gift of my indifference to fill the void of her life.

Learn to have some self-compassion. You deserve to be treated well and you deserve a woman who loves you. That is your boundaries. She never loved you. Respect is all.

 

[logicallefty]

Welcome to the forum. OP don't beat yourself up over this. Not an easy situation you had there. I think when something like cancer came into the picture it would be easy for most any of us to do what you did and have our frame start to slip. So does she really have cancer, or was that a lie? Either way no matter what the answer is it shows that some women have no limits to the depth of low they will go to. Either lie about having a fatal illness, get pity, and cheat... Or have the fatal illness, get pity, and cheat. Whichever it is the woman is trash regardless. your story will be a valuable lesson for many men on here now and in the future. And that's a positive thing.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yeah, they are lying. Everything is a lie with those girls. I was a chump like you and 1 month after the breakup I still spend night wide awake hating myself for being such a chump.

If I look back to my relationship I ask myself one question : do you really want a girl who destroy you because you are nice and kind ? I don't care being dumped but destroyed ?

I try to focus my anger on myself and that will prevent me being a chump again. I hate her so much that I offered her the gift of my indifference to fill the void of her life.

Learn to have some self-compassion. You deserve to be treated well and you deserve a woman who loves you. That is your boundaries. She never loved you. Respect is all.

After you know you deserve to be treated well, you will love you and you will ensure you are treated well.

 

[Glumix]

- Her grandparents molested her
- Her mother was passive; knew about the abuse but did nothing
- Her father abandoned her
- Her ex was physically abusive and cheated on her

Her grandparents was mother or father's side?

 

[whackamobob]

Her grandparents was mother or father's side?

It was the grandparents on her mother's side.
You're right, I definitely know that I can't be happy with somebody like that.

Welcome to the forum. OP don't beat yourself up over this. Not an easy situation you had there. I think when something like cancer came into the picture it would be easy for most any of us to do what you did and have our frame start to slip. So does she really have cancer, or was that a lie? Either way no matter what the answer is it shows that some women have no limits to the depth of low they will go to. Either lie about having a fatal illness, get pity, and cheat... Or have the fatal illness, get pity, and cheat. Whichever it is the woman is trash regardless. your story will be a valuable lesson for many men on here now and in the future. And that's a positive thing.

Thanks. Yeah, I had spent years constructing my frame and really thought I was solid going into this r/s. Completely got blindsided by the cancer. I don't know if she really had it or not, but this is how I found out:

When the anemia, night sweats, weight loss and lack of sleep seemed to be a daily ailment, I urged her to see the doc. After a few appts, she drops the bomb.

To this day, I'm confused about it. Her hair was clearly thinning while we were together, to the point she had to wear wigs and extensions to cover it. Now, with her new boyfriend, her hair looks fine and she looks a lot less sickly and emaciated than she did with me.

This brings me to my next question... Why does it seem like this new guy is getting everything that I asked for? I get that they put on a mask at first, the same mask that I fell for... But she's doing things for him that she NEVER did for me.

Examples:
1) Facebook. She told me she couldn't have one because of an elaborate story about how she used to be a triad member of sorts and had lots of enemies and did a lot of bad ****, so she has to lay under the radar. She used this story to excuse her way out of getting a job too during the r/s. Now, Her Facebook is up and she's "in a relationship" with my replacement.

2) her ex was abusive but she never let me reply to any of his texts trying to reconcile, but she let my replacement reply my texts and make me look like an idiot

3) she doesn't seem to be dying of cancer with this new guy

Will her mask eventually crumble again? Or will her new r/s be all normal and stuff at my expense?

 

[fastlife]

whackamabob,

I've been where you are--as have a lot of other guys on the forum. In fact, it's what brought me here. Don't blame yourself for the things you didn't know. We're all on our personal journey to become men. All of us are chumps sometimes (even the tough guys lol).

A woman with BPD is like a level 40 boss character in the world of poor female behavior--except that even if you were on that level, halfway through the battle she'd change the rules so that you'd lose anyway.

There's a good chance she didn't/doesn't have cancer, that her ex wasn't abusive; she may have not been molested by her grandparents. BPD is a physiological disorder--meaning you can look at an MRI and see if someone has BPD or not. The size disparity of the amygdala and frontal cortex is evident from the time you're two, meaning before the abuse took place that supposedly caused the disorder; the brain fails to develop normally because of an unstable/unavailable bond with the mother. Bad things are more likely to occur to children who grew up in that type of environment; but the disorder, which requires perpetual victimization, would cause her to fabricate abuse even if it never occurred. What I'm getting at is that you're dealing with someone who's whole concept of reality is distorted

You need to bring the focus back on you and work on strengthening your own reality. Your time and your mind are the two most valuable things you have--you need to invest those in yourself; she doesn't deserve anymore of either. The next few weeks are going to be rough for you--like withdrawals from a drug. The good news is that this is an awesome opportunity to improve yourself and come out better on the other side.

 

[whackamobob]

You're not a piece of ****, that's a good thing. You can't fix anyone for them especially someone with issues as big as this one, you learn and move on and be happy that you dodged a massive, massive bullet.

Thanks, dude. With all the talk about not being a pushover or how nice guys finish last, I get confused sometimes as to whether I'm being a pushover, or simoly just being a good human being. You're right about me dodging a massive bullet. My mind knows this but I guess my heart is still trying to fight against it. I read a story on reddit about a girl who dated her bpd boyfriend for two years out of fear that he'd kill himself if she left. Eventually, after repeated threats and trigger, he did it. The way she painted the picture struck me, man.

"He flew into a rage, and exclaimed 'do you know what I'm capable of?!' as he held me down with a handful of oxycontin, oxycodone and klonipin. "I want you to watch me die". I tried to stop him but I couldn't overpower him. He started to weaken, and I ran outside to call for help. He tackled me and held me down until the police came. He passed away in the ambulance."

HOLY ****. The kicker is that this girl was pregnant with his child and has since had to raise the kid on her own.

This story really made me realise that I was staying because of that fear as well as my sympathy for her cancer (which all but added to the fear of her committing suicide as she frequently told me that she didn't want to bother with chemo, and that she just wants to die.)

It also made me think of one time when she raged (she usually didnt, and was more of a self punishing type of bpd). She looked at me and actually the same phrase "do you know what I'm capable of?!" and gave me the creepiest smile I've ever seen before smashing her head on the brick wall of my house. That same day, she dove for my knife and tried to cut herself. Luckily I was able to stop her. I broke up with her that day but took her back the day after when she called me crying.

**** guys, I had almost forgot about these moments through my grief and reminiscence of the good times.

whackamabob,

I've been where you are--as have a lot of other guys on the forum. In fact, it's what brought me here. Don't blame yourself for the things you didn't know. We're all on our personal journey to become men. All of us are chumps sometimes (even the tough guys lol).

A woman with BPD is like a level 40 boss character in the world of poor female behavior--except that even if you were on that level, halfway through the battle she'd change the rules so that you'd lose anyway.

There's a good chance she didn't/doesn't have cancer, that her ex wasn't abusive; she may have not been molested by her grandparents. BPD is a physiological disorder--meaning you can look at an MRI and see if someone has BPD or not. The size disparity of the amygdala and frontal cortex is evident from the time you're two, meaning before the abuse took place that supposedly caused the disorder; the brain fails to develop normally because of an unstable/unavailable bond with the mother. Bad things are more likely to occur to children who grew up in that type of environment; but the disorder, which requires perpetual victimization, would cause her to fabricate abuse even if it never occurred. What I'm getting at is that you're dealing with someone who's whole concept of reality is distorted

You need to bring the focus back on you and work on strengthening your own reality. Your time and your mind are the two most valuable things you have--you need to invest those in yourself; she doesn't deserve anymore of either. The next few weeks are going to be rough for you--like withdrawals from a drug. The good news is that this is an awesome opportunity to improve yourself and come out better on the other side.

We all get a free pass on the first one. And that s*** about boundaries was a complete lie first of all why would you even bother doing that with such trash.

Thanks guys. Writing this stuff out has given me some insight today. I don't think I was a chump, I had the right level of confidence going into this relationship. Unfortunately I knew nothing about BPD, and unfortunately I have a human heart (lol). Never again -- I will work on myself from here on. One thing I can reap from my experience is that I'm really perceptive to **** tests now.

 

[fastlife]

Thanks guys. Writing this stuff out has given me some insight today. I don't think I was a chump, I had the right level of confidence going into this relationship. Unfortunately I knew nothing about BPD, and unfortunately I have a human heart (lol). Never again -- I will work on myself from here on. One thing I can reap from my experience is that I'm really perceptive to **** tests now.

After my break up with my BPDexgf, once I was able to get over the initial mindphuck and disentangle myself emotionally, it's like having cheat codes with normal women.

I'd definitely recommend meditation to help yourself detach. This is the visualization that works best for me (forgive the weird narrator):

Also read The Rational Male if you haven't already and The Book of Pook (which is free online). There were chinks in your armor that made you susceptible to getting involved with a girl with BPD. Both of those books should offer insight on that and set you on the path to cultivating a positive masculinity and becoming (mostly) immune to manipulation.