2015 and Beyond: Swayze's Growth

[amazingswayze]

[#1]

hey everyone. starting this thread because i feel like it. i'm treating it as a journal. i'll be posting every now and then when i feel it is appropriate. let's get into it.

for those of you who don't know, i'm swayze. I'm 18, biracial, 5'7, 160 lb freshman nursing student (I commute), rAFC, still virgin; a work in progress.

not gonna get into much details about my life as this thread will be mostly updates. one of my short term goals at the moment is to lose my virginity. i've had some sexual experience. a couple hj's, one bj, sucking multiple titties, and eating out once. still, i haven't gotten there. i kissed 9 girls, 5 of which were makeouts, sucked 4 titties, and the rest is history. the truth is, i've never had a girlfriend. i only went on dates with 1 girl (HB6 Kayla Virgin) who is my only real plate at the moment. none of my courtship has been the traditional way, just hookups. i want to change that. the truth is, i still get approach anxiety. i still struggle to get a girls number. i get too nervous to ask. i still hesitate when doing kino or making a move, and i am still a bit awkward at times. like i said, i'm a work in progress. what i'm happy about is that i don't care as much as i used to. i obsessed about girls before i had experience. no bueno.

anyways, i still struggle with my body image. i want to lose this weight once and for all. i wish i was blessed with better genes. it is what it is. i have to make the best of it. i still could use a lot more confidence. i think my SMV is honestly a 6 right now. I feel like a 7 sometimes when I dress and groom nice. i think once a girl gets to know me, my SMV goes down. my AFC tendencies come out and i still kill attraction by being a nice guy. one thing i finally realized though, is that the friend zone is self-inflicted.

I'm going to talk about today. had my first midterm, it was hard. studied the muscles in my anatomy class with the class being mostly girls and i made my rounds socializing. i approached a few girls today just to chit-chat, at least 5 if I can remember, but of course, no numbers. i still feel awkward with cold approach. anyways, i interacted with HB7 selena who i'd like to get with. ever since i met her in my lab class she has shown high interest. she laughs at my jokes all the time and facial expressions, initiates some playful kino with me, and smiles all the time. i was studying in the library and i invited her to come chill with me.

i wasn't trying to hook up with her in the library, but you never know. she finds me upstairs and we chat. she was nervous, smiling, etc. and i was being C&F. it was cool. after a while i decided to initiate kino. i held her hand for brief moments, hugged her, and rubbed her arm. i was scared to do so, but i didn't really show it. i get scared and i get stuck in my head when i think about making a move. it definitely doesn't come natural. we parted ways with a great big hug. whatever. i feel like i put myself in the friend zone but hey, i didn't feel comfortable in the library with so many people around. i usually go for the hookup but in this context i was not ready. anyways, idek whats up with this one. texted HB6 Kayla at 11pm because she has a free crib on thursdays (tomorrow), "you up?".
no response. oh well. the gym can always replace potential plans with a girl.

ok guys, you still with me? this one was a doozy. my future updates probably won't be this long. the main points i want to elaborate on here is my problems.
1. Approach Anxiety
2. Number Closing
3. Kino (sometimes)
4. Escalation (sometimes)
5. Body Image
6. Confidence

i don't know what else to say really, except that i need work.

i'll keep you updated. thanks for reading.

 

[dustmuffin]

Keep at it! You are a young man with your whole life a head of you! Mountains of poon!

 

[amazingswayze]

#2

things are going on. i can see my only plate HB6 kayla falling off and breaking sometime soon. i'll explain.
yesterday i text her to chill, when she usually has the house to herself. she replies, "unfortunately im on my period" ok, guess its not happening today. i get to class today and she's chatting with her girlfriends. she mentions some dude. i disregard it. then, when i'm talking to my friend she sits down on the side and says, "I'm going on a chipotle date!" to her friend at least 6 feet away. she tried to make eye contact with me and I ignored her, i was talking to my friend. then she goes on to try to make me jealous in my next class. she goes, "yesterday i found out that goldie (her dog) doesn't only hate you" i already knew what was coming so i just say, "yeah?" she then tells me that her friend trevon came over yesterday. who the f is this guy. i ignored her. she told me she was on her period and then she ends up with some other dude. she says he met her mom. i don't really know what happened there but im not going to read into it any further.
i can see this being the end of me and HB6 kayla. there was never any competition so i was completely indifferent towards her these last few months and it seemed to work but now she's acting different. then, in class, she starts writing poetry. it's about sex and love. one of those, what is love type things....
this girl is crazy. keep in mind, i was her first kiss, first dude ever took her bra off, first hj... only thing is she never let me finger her nor obviously fuk either. it's been too long and i've tried to escalate but her claim is that she wants to be in a relationship. i don't want that so this'll never work out.

i can see this coming to an end. makes me realize i should have acquired more plates. i need to work on myself. GYM, SCHOOL, MUSIC, and i should probably get a job.

 

[Young OG]

You mentioned in a earlier comment that Kayla is a virgin? If so, don't waste your time on her. If you want to lose your virginity, then you should be going after women that aren't virgins. Preferably, ones that are slvts. I lost mine to a 19 year old slut when I was 17. Bang out some dumb slvt, and get it out of your system. After you do that, you will feel more confident and not worry about losing your virginity anymore.

 

[amazingswayze]

precisely young og. i thought it was a bad idea to try taking her virginity but she was my only plate so u know... its only a matter of time before i stumble upon a ho.

 

[parkthebus]

precisely young og. i thought it was a bad idea to try taking her virginity but she was my only plate so u know... its only a matter of time before i stumble upon a ho.

I would suggest going in with a new mindset with your next plate. For your relationship with them to continue, you require not sexual interacting but Penis into Vagina penetration itself. Anything less and they are not putting into the relationship what you require of them...next. Also, go for the low self esteem girls (practice girls as my mate used to call them). They can still be hot; I find red heads are proportionately pretty with low self esteem. Probably due to being rinsed about being ginger their entire lives.

 

[macallik]

[#1]
here is my problems.
1. Approach Anxiety
2. Number Closing
3. Kino (sometimes)
4. Escalation (sometimes)
5. Body Image
6. Confidence

Which one are you tackling first? What is your game plan for the area you are tackling?

 

[amazingswayze]

Which one are you tackling first? What is your game plan for the area you are tackling?

Well, body image and confidence which go hand in hand because I am focused on my fitness every single day. The progress I make in the gym makes me happier than any girl will. Game is secondary.

 

[macallik]

Well, body image and confidence which go hand in hand because I am focused on my fitness every single day. The progress I make in the gym makes me happier than any girl will. Game is secondary.

Then why do you have a journal here instead of bodybuilding.com?

I am partially teasing but there is a bit of truth in my question. I am all for self-improvement, and I think that feeling more self-confident can go a long way for you, but how can you make any statements about the type of happiness women and relationships will bring as someone who has never been in a real relationship?

Women should not be your reason you get up every day, but if women are something you are interested in, you should have a plan on how to talk to them and what your goals are in your interactions. Being in shape only goes so far.... Do you know how many muscular guys are absolute **** after they have attracted a woman?

 

[amazingswayze]

10.27.15

hey guys, this is my situation as of today.

HB6
i continue to be frustrated with HB6 kayla. she keeps mentioning her "guy friend" on a daily basis. she was talking about losing her virginity in school today. yada yada yada. she was talking about smoking weed with her 'guy friend' because she wants to learn. (even though when i offered to get her high she didn't want to). she was talking to another girl about going to the gynecologist while i was right there. i sat there doing my work and being passive for the most part because those conversations made me very uncomfortable.
im sort of mad because i think its over. i can see it coming to an end already. every time i ever had a good thing going with a good girl, i messed up by being a jerk. in this case, i refused to have a relationship with her because she is fat (never told her that) and my only intent was to hook up with her. now i feel like im being played by even a fat girl. in school i pretty much just neg her a lot and ignore her because i don't really give a fuk when i am around her but i still do want to fuk her.
well, i might try to hang out with her one more time because she asked me what im doing thursday (free crib thursday). and honestly, maybe i can end this thing on my terms. all i know is, there is another guy in the picture and she probably sees him as a better option. probably why her attitude has changed towards me. she is acting like a bvtch now.

REP
as for my standing with the girls in my nursing class, i feel like they don't even take me seriously anymore. i was once this happy, alpha, buzzing with positivity guy over the summer and i felt like i had a grasp on everything. now, i'm not as friendly and sort of reclusive. i hooked up with 3 of the girls in my class and i guess word got around and now i act awkward around those girls basically and i feel like i'm not even a blip on the other girls' radar anymore. patricia, who gave me head is SUCH A CVNT everytime i see her now. i basically ignore her because she gives me sass and evil eyes. (she also punched me in the face once, then i told her it will never work out because she disrespected me). alexis, we just made out n i sucked her boobs and it was cool after that but then i invited her to my house one night for netflix & chill and she rejected me and after that, the power dynamic basically switched. i feel like my rep in the nursing class sucks now. i compare myself a lot to my buddy George who is a strong 8. he hasn't hooked up with any girls in my class for all i know but they all want his D. he joined a frat, has many girl/guy friends, and he has abs. i see him as more alpha then me without even really trying. we're boys so i'm not jealous but i know that his value is higher than mine.

MINDSET
nothing makes me happy anymore except my long-term goal when it comes to my physique, and music. i am sticking to the plan in the gym and i'm on a calorie restricted diet so im pretty optimistic when it comes to that. "slow and steady wins the race". i finally learned how to produce music so i can rap on my own beats but i am a straight up AMATEUR and my beats aren't too nice yet. i barely even rap anymore, i just have no inspiration lately. its a shame because the greatest time of my life and the greatest period of personal discovery was the talent show earlier this year at the end of 12th grade. i dropped my mixtape, overcame my fear of stage fright, and became who i thought was my ideal version of self. my inner confidence came during this time period and i felt like a true DJ, even though i wasn't getting any girls (3 kisses, that's it). now i finally got dome and all that and i hooked up with 9 different girls but that doesn't even make me happy.
so, mindset; lately negative, just doing school work/ gym/ and making beats in my free time.
my biggest burden right now is my virginity basically. this is the most desperate i will ever be. i fap every night basically because i just dont give a fuk anymore. it is probably worse the more i think about it but i just want to get it over with because its a huge mental barrier i want to get past. i read somewhere that a guy losing his virginity is typically followed by a better self-image. i can imagine that. i wont buy an escort because i can see that being a bad memory and i know that it will happen eventually, but eventually is too frustrating for me. im impatient about this.

tldr; 1 hoe is too close to no hoes. let's just say i have no hoes. i question my reputation amongst my nursing student peers. i'm struggling to find happiness and stressed out on a regular basis. just another day in the life, my thoughts.

 

[dustmuffin]

Keep working you will get there.

 

[Young OG]

Let that Kayla virgin go already. Next her and be done with it. Who cares what any of those woman in your nursing class think of you. You should give zero fuks. I might not be the best DJ, but I do not care what anyone thinks of me. You need to work on your mindset. When you see those woman in your nursing class, give them a big smIle and say hi. When i know some woman doesnt like me or even hates me, i give them a big smile and say hi. Sometimes i even will ask how they are, even though i dont care. Don't act butt hurt. When they see you don't give a fuk, they will respect you more. Stop fappin everyday, get it down to once a week. Have some self control. It almost sounds like your giving up. A lot of people study game for years before they are good at it. I'm still learning and I'm 33. Get back on track.

Also, breaking into the rap game is hard. I used to be involved in the underground hip hop scene in my old city when I was younger. I used to spin hip hop records. A couple of my friends used to do shows and had albums. One of them was really good. His album was professionaly produced and mastered. He never ended up making it. It's not easy.

 

[amazingswayze]

Let that Kayla virgin go already. Next her and be done with it. Who cares what any of those woman in your nursing class think of you. You should give zero fuks. I might not be the best DJ, but I do not care what anyone thinks of me. You need to work on your mindset. When you see those woman in your nursing class, give them a big smIle and say hi. When i know some woman doesnt like me or even hates me, i give them a big smile and say hi. Sometimes i even will ask how they are, even though i dont care. Don't act butt hurt. When they see you don't give a fuk, they will respect you more. Stop fappin everyday, get it down to once a week. Have some self control. It almost sounds like your giving up. A lot of people study game for years before they are good at it. I'm still learning and I'm 33. Get back on track.

Also, breaking into the rap game is hard. I used to be involved in the underground hip hop scene in my old city when I was younger. I used to spin hip hop records. A couple of my friends used to do shows and had albums. One of them was really good. His album was professionaly produced and mastered. He never ended up making it. It's not easy.

yeah, it's hard for me to let go, Young OG. i still have a scarcity mindset. my mindset definitely needs work as you can tell. i need to stop giving as many fuks as i do, and i guess the fapping is a problem. might explain my lack of motivation to talk to girls but im at this point where i dont care very much. i gotta get my shvt together. ironically, the best i ever felt was when i had NO PLATES. it wouldn't be such a bad thing for me to get rid of her. as for rap man, the competition is INSANE. im not thinking about the game much because im focused on other things. the truth is, i will have regrets if i don't pursue music one way or another. i will make a decent living as a nurse or even doctor but i will feel as i havent lived up my potential if i don't give the music a shot. so yeah, maybe i need to start respecting myself more, and stop giving a fuk. i thought i had the mindset. not true. i am constantly learning.

 

[amazingswayze]

10.30.15

EVENTS

i was depressed earlier today for a number of reasons. my car had me bummed out. the front bumper is damaged beyond repair imo. i was upset but i can ride with it like that and its not the end of the world. i was pissed off at my mom because i was supposed to go to HB6 Kayla's house today while she had the free crib, but instead my mom needed a chaeffuer to take her to the doctor to get her pain meds. she was under the influence of drugs so i had no choice. i was upset thinking maybe i could have gotten laid but i had to tell kayla it wasnt gonna work. i was so shot when i got home and i had no desire to do anything. then i became productive.

i went to a university about 30 min away to pick up my official transcript of credits that i paid for via a high school scholars program. now that that's over with, i can apply it towards my degree and hopefully get out of paying for another class or two. once i got out of the house i felt better.

i went open lab today to study bones and muscles because this was my last chance to do so and the lab practical exam is next week. i am pretty confident and i know all 206 bones of the body, and every muscle that we are responsible for on this upcoming test. i know the content well enough to teach it to others. i approached a lot of girls i know during open lab today and it really lifted my mood to just smile and study and have fun with and teach those girls. the professors call me 'professor'! lol.

after open lab, a girl HB6.5 natalie asked me if i was going to the library to study more. i was headed home but i figured screw it i'll practice a little more and hang out with the girls while i'm at it. so i teach them a little more about the leg and the arm and after a while i have to go. no numbers, but i established rapport with a few people today. one of them is a chinese girl (shuxin) HB7 who i kind've am attracted to because i realized that asian girls are very submissive. i imagine a girl like her putting me through less b.s. than a traditionally western girl. she is in my nursing class as well.

i'm comfortable approaching girls and talking and i smile a lot which is good but i still get nervous at times when holding eye contact. i still overthinking the number close and therefore havent done so in a while. i am the type of person who waits for the perfect moment. i dont want to number close unless i isolate the girl and it's usually not like that. i will work on it. zzzz.

went home and went to the gym later. i felt great before and after.
anyways,

MINDSET

i was depressed but i became positive towards the end of the night. a funny skit came on the radio and i laughed my ass off on the way to the gym. it was refreshing. banged out a back excersise and thought about life for a while. this is what i realized.

it's time for me to make moves. i looked in the mirror at the gym and i saw the person i wanted to be. he was a few years older than me but he was successful. i realized theres a lot i can do and im just not doing it yet. i want to be a famous rapper but i get stressed out when i think about how unrealistic it is so im focusing my energy on production right now until i get much better.

i am certified to work as a nursing assistant (CNA) after the course i took this summer. i can get paid anywhere from $15-20 and hour. reason i havent looked for work yet is because i will be wiping asses. i decided i have to stop being a p*ssy and get my bread up.

i want to work as a CNA for the bread as i work towards my RN, which will be done in the next 4 years. in the meantime, i would like to become a personal trainer. if rap doesnt work out, i can totally live a happy life helping people. i just want to be famous because i never felt important my whole life. i felt like i never fit in.

im rambling lol.

what i realized is that i need to start making moves to be the person i want to be. i have to work harder in the gym and be consistent. once i am closer to my fitness goals, the thought of becoming a personal trainer will seem more realistic. i have to get cream somehow during college on my way to becoming an RN. CNA is the way to go. i just still have this reluctance to wipe ass. can you blame me? i already did it for 4 days over the summer.

IN CONCLUSION

i've been having my ups and downs lately. one thing is for sure. I am on track to become an RN. i am in a 4 year bachelor's program. that is my first career move. on the side, i really want to dedicate myself to fitness. i want to find a way to become a personal trainer, considering nurses sometimes only work 3 days a week.
lastly, i want to pursue music but i've been discouraged lately by myself, i guess. the rap game is so hard to get into and i dont believe in my talent nor do i have the work ethic i need to succeed. i dropped my mixtape at the beginning of summer and havent recorded or written a song since....

so, school is boring but im feeling optimistic right now. i gotta grind.

 

[amazingswayze]

Update: The last post was 2 days before Halloween. Now it's almost Christmas, and a lot has changed.
Let's just say I am more relaxed and more comfortable with my sexuality after losing my virginity. I'm not a virgin who drools over pu$$y anymore. With that being said; I went over her house and banged again and got some head for the 4th time. I couldn't finish so a little while after we stopped banging she sucked me off and she swallowed. I say pineapple when i'm about to come. I honestly thought that I would come fast when I started having sex but I guess it was all in my head. I can last for what feels like 30 min (don't quote me on that) just smashing and switching positions. I am satisfied that I am getting pu$$y but I realized it really isn't a big deal. I am more surprised that I took this girl, HB6 and transformed her. It took 4 months but I took her virginity; she sucks and she f*cks now. I didn't really see this happening. I thought she would be through with me at one point. Lol.

Now I realize how the emotional rollercoaster works in my favor. I caught her at the beginning of her dating experience (Shout out Desdinova and his High Score Theory). I feel content that there is little to no competition and if there is these guys don't have the capability of knocking me off my pedestal.

What I really want to talk about is my mindset lately. Obviously in terms of girls I am more confident after losing my virginity; but there is more to life than just that. I'm doing really good in school. My first college semester will be over by this Friday and all I have to do is take 2 final exams this week. I am going to bust my ass studying the day before and finish up strong. I need a B (83) in my Anatomy and Physiology I course and the final grade consists of 1/3 of my laboratory grade and 2/3 of my lecture grade. I have a 95 average in lab and an 86 in lecture. Let me do the math right now (95 x .333)+(86 x .666) = 88.395. All I have to do is remain consistent. My last lecture test is Friday and this one counts for more so I'd have to be dumb to not do well and drop down half a letter grade. So in school, I'm confident. My GPA is not a 4.0 but I've done well and its definitely greater than a 3.0 I'll have to wait for my transcript. I'm getting A's and B's and I take 5 classes.

I think that's enough about school for now. Semester's almost over, got 2 tests to take, and then a 1 month break. Let's get it.

Besides that, I'm doing good in the gym. I finished my last workout program and I am now in my 2nd week of a 6 week Shortcut-to-Shred. I'm still eating right but my weight loss has stalled. I am going to continue working out 6x a week because it feels good. I have been on this plateau for roughly a month but I am confident that I will power through if I stick to the plan. I haven't posted many progress pics on BB.com lately because I haven't changed much but my abs are sort-of visible and I have probably a 4 pack. I'm 5'7, almost 155 lbs. I'll update those now actually.

http://my.bodybuilding.com/photos/view/type/progress

I'm doing good honestly. It's past 1 a.m. and I'm watching some good old South Park so I have nothing more to say really, I'm quite tired. But yes, things are different. It's been a while. Change is good.

Peace!