How to be happy alone

[SayWhat]

Hi all

I've been single for a while now and - know you have to be happy alone before you can expect a new relationship or that someone will notice you.

But I can't seem to achieve this. I have a lot going for me, have an exciting hobby, am fit and go to the gym three times a week, have a job at a high esteem company and I get called good looking often.

This doesn't do anything. In fact it makes me worse because all these things still haven't got me a girlfriend. Yes I know that I shouldn't depend on a girl to make me happy, but it's coming to a point that it's enough, we all want love or someone who cares about you besides your family.

This effects everything, I'm a quiet guy because of this. I remember days were I had a girlfriend and felt great and I was as social and confident as I could have been, but now...

What am I doing wrong?

 

[TheSplat]

You're putting too much value in "having a girlfriend." Are you actively meeting women? Why don't you join a social club or sport where you meet more people, women included. It sounds like you're a good guy, you're just not smooth. So work on it. Start meeting new people, put yourself out there. Good luck

 

[Young OG]

Are you approaching women and trying to number close? Are you using OLD? It almost sounds like you expect women to just approach you or throw themselves at you. That's not going to happen unless your a Brad Pitt. I have a nice job, drive a bmw, I'm decently ripped, and I don't have a girlfriend. Right now I don't have a girl or any plates. But I don't try. I am still trying to improve myself more before I unleash myself. You have to put in work if you want something. Nothing is handed to you in life.

 

[SayWhat]

That's what I'm doing, with my hobby I meet new people often. I have a side job as a waiter where I also meet new people every time. I've put myself out there, but nothing...

 

[amazingswayze]

Yeah man, the girl doesn't matter much. Sometimes they will fall on your lap but you must search to find a quality LTR. It'll take some work with approaching, clubbing, OLD. You gotta date. You didn't quite mention that in your post. In the meantime, do what makes you happy. And if having a girlfriend is the only thing that makes you happy then... I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[SamTheHobit]

It's not possible to be happy alone.

Humans are wired to be social creatures, seek out companionship etc.

 

[Reykhel]

Hi all

I've been single for a while now and - know you have to be happy alone before you can expect a new relationship or that someone will notice you.

But I can't seem to achieve this. I have a lot going for me, have an exciting hobby, am fit and go to the gym three times a week, have a job at a high esteem company and I get called good looking often.

This doesn't do anything. In fact it makes me worse because all these things still haven't got me a girlfriend. Yes I know that I shouldn't depend on a girl to make me happy, but it's coming to a point that it's enough, we all want love or someone who cares about you besides your family.

This effects everything, I'm a quiet guy because of this. I remember days were I had a girlfriend and felt great and I was as social and confident as I could have been, but now...

What am I doing wrong?

You sound like you're giving off a needy vibe which is probably just the very thing that is repelling any chance of you achieving this ellusive girlfriend that will save you from your loneliness.

When she friendzones you it will be because you showed up too needy...

All of the things that you mentioned that you have going for you.....all these outside external forces....you get called goodlooking often..(by who?) does it make you feel good when someone tells you that you're good looking? a warm fuzzy? it's an external validation.......critizism and praise are two sides of the same coin....if any of them affects you, your strings are being pulled from the outside.......your inner game is weak and it's leaking outward....

what would a girlfriend bring to you? I'm not saying it's a bad thing to want a girlfriend...but to need one....is going to make you suffer........and you'll loose her.......and then what?

you're a quite guy because of this? this is where you need to make a change. You're letting an outside situation, one which is outside your control define who you are?

Imagine for a moment you have your girlfriend and she's filling your deep hole......things are great and then........she dies......now what? the needy cycle starts again. Kill the need.

what exactly are you needing? could these be holes in your own personality that need filling?

 

[Desdinova]

Okay, how about you break down the last woman you approached, chatted up, and number closed. Now, if you haven't done any approaching or number closing, then that explains why you're still without a GF.

Working on yourself and becoming content with being solitary is only a piece of the puzzle, just like approaching, displaying value, having confidence, humour, and everything else that enables you to get a date. You can't drive a car with just a steering wheel, and you can't become a better person just to expect a woman to walk up to you and shove your d1ck into her vagina. Having your 5hit together will help keep a woman around much longer, but if you can't approach and number close, then that point is moot.

Take a week out of your life, and spend every day of it by going out and approaching women for the sole purpose of number closing and setting up dates. The more you shoot at a target, the greater your chance of hitting it.

 

[ubercat]

Des is on point. Simple equation: enough approaching = dates
Also u don't mention social circle. If u have less than 7 friends u need more. I d concentrate on this first as it will bring much more long term value into your life than a g/f.

 

[evan12]

OP: It is hard to be happy alone , but what I found helpful is going out with guy friends , you can go to play pool or climbing then go to bar and joke and drink , it seem that help the man to feel he is in the end not alone and some how loved by others .
maybe that is why girls usually keep around them a big number of friends.
but remember you still have to improve yourself and approach women .

 

[Serenity]

The things you have that you somehow expect will attract a woman are things that benefit you only. The error is that you miss the reward in what you're doing and because of that you're not satisfied or anywhere near happy. You don't seem to have a problem besides the expectation that a girlfriend would make it better. That's a half truth you see, although a girlfriend makes it better it also makes it harder. What do you do when you get a girlfriend and realize you still feel like sh!t? If you don't know how to deal with that then you're not ready for a girlfriend. There's also the fact that your efforts clearly aren't worth the potential reward, by the time you eventually do get a girlfriend you're burned out and you're fvcked either way.

Want to know what I did before I actually got a girlfriend? I gave up trying to get one, within a week I met a woman I genuinely liked and a month later we called it a relationship. She likes me and I like her, if it wasn't for those conditions to be true there would be no relationship. I would be cool with that, I would rather be alone than to be or keep someone in a relationship that isn't good.

Being happy alone is easier than being happy in a relationship, so if you find it hard being happy alone I suggest you put having a girlfriend aside and focus on being happy alone first. When you achieve and learn to maintain that you'll be much better off. You seem to believe that having a girlfriend made you sociable and confident, but you can just as well be like that without a girlfriend. Also want to point out that being sociable and confident comes naturally from feeling great, women also comes naturally from feeling great. So again, focus on making yourself feel great (without doing something self-destructive), but don't stop doing things for yourself when you eventually do get a girlfriend or it will all go to waste.

It's true that we all want love and for someone (preferably everyone) to care, but you're as much a part of doing that as anyone else.

The short answer to your question is that you're not doing what you gotta do to make yourself happy, I can't tell you what those things are. Only you can know it, but the one thing I do know is that what you're doing now isn't working for you.

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks for all the advice guys, I'm going to sit down this weekend to think about it. Hard part is I don't have much time the next year because of the company I got into, but I'll do my best.

I want to make clear how deep the problem is situated because of something that happened yesterday and today.

I put a picture of me doing my hobby on FaceBook. We all know why we post pictures on FaceBook, so I noticed people liking it, but there was one particular person I was hoping for it too like (yes a girl...). A few months ago I posted a picture of me doing this hobby in another setting, there she liked and I remember I felt great for a moment because of this. This picture she didn't like.

I am thinking about it in a certain way. To clarify them here is a post of myself a few weeks back.
---------------------------------
I work with a girl from time to time. In the beginning when we worked together a customer said to me "she's checking you out". I also noticed her initiating conversations, trying to talk, etc... Recently I found out she has a new boyfriend. I haven't seen her in a while but today I had to work with her again and I basically ignored her (yes this is extremely pathetic). Again I noticed her initiating conversation, I even noticed some signs she was irritated because I barely said something (or I was probably imagining it). But yeah, this is how I work and I need to get out of it, but I don't know how, thinking different doesn't help.
----------------------------------

I'm thinking, and hoping, she didn't like this picture because the last times we worked together we barely spoke (well at least I said as little as possible). So that in a sense I have an influence on her...

I also want her to like it, so others can see her liking it and think "wow who is she, is he together with her, are they going to be together,..."

I post here too, because 1. of relieving what I think and 2. of the responses I get, I'm hoping for that magic formula or something that makes me feel good.

Honestly I know this is f*cked up behaviour, but I feel it's the only thing I've got left...

 

[Serenity]

There's no magic formula, no magic pill and no fairy dust. Do you really believe she goes about her day thinking "oh he posted a picture, I won't like this because of our last encounter". Do you believe she thinks "I'll like a couple of his things on facebook to let him know I like him". If you really think about that it's absurd, she probably thinks about a billion other things than you. You're probably not as much on her mind as she is on yours.

Besides you don't seem to have actually done anything about how you feel towards her, but if she's taken you might as well let it go and move on.

Work on having other things on your mind than girls.

 

[SayWhat]

Somewhere deep down I know it. I'm just going through a rough time lately, basically because of all the missed opportunities. This girl I'm talking about, she's beautiful and we have the same interests. There were other girls who were into me, but I just repelled because of how I act. I also feel that currently are the best years of my life in a way that my looks, health,... will go down from now on and that I threw it all away...

 

[SayWhat]

Somewhere deep down I know it. I'm just going through a rough time lately, basically because of all the missed opportunities. This girl I'm talking about, she's beautiful and we have the same interests. There were other girls who were into me, but I just repelled because of how I act. I also feel that currently are the best years of my life in a way that my looks, health,... will go down from now on and that I threw it all away...

How do you guys deal with such issues?

Other question I have, today this girl had to leave work because she felt sick. What would someone do in a normal situation. Would you ask this person on FB the day after how she is? I'm not going to ask her anything because it would probably come over as I have other intentions.

I feel like I'm in a stage I'm questioning everything. Everything I would do and say towards a girl would be of an underlying reason, probably that's the reason I'm a quiet guy also. And this is true, if I'm not interested in a girl I just say nothing towards her, so if I would say anything, it's because I want more...

Sometimes I do doubt if it was good that I found this forum, I learned a lot, but have a lot of trouble implementing it correctly...

 

[Poon King]

OP your mindset is completely backwards and wrong.

Looking for happiness guarantees you will never find it. Life is not a destination.. it is a journey. Your job as a man is to find purpose. Something to be passionate about that MATTERS. Find a way to make a mark. Women are for sexual pleasure, entertainment and reproduction. They are not that important to your overall life.

When a man's life revolves around women and having "girlfriends" he is basically an emotional child who is doomed to a life of beta slavery and cannon fodder behavior. This is the majority of men and society needs to majority of men to be this stupid for it to function. But you don't have to be one of these idiots.

Wake up men.

 

[aforabi]

Do NOT wait for the right time to begin...

If you need GF, start from today, not tomorrow.

If you see a cutie in the streets (or wherever), go and approach her, close for the number (or go on an instant date), then set up dates (read the DJ Bible on available here), and see if she is really the ONE you want to be with ...

If you haven't approached any girls in the past, begin ...

I am not asking you to go and ask that hottie for her number. Just go out and make eye contact, or get into the habit of saying "HI" to chicks, and then, start making small talks, and so on ... just for the practice and then, once you are comfortable with this (after 2-3 months), you will not have any problem asking that cutie who seems out of your league for you ...

I spend at least 2 hours a day - from Monday to Friday - picking up chicks from the street, out in front of everyone (nobody cares though), and sober!

I got laid 7 times, within 6 months after i started picking up, and have a LTR with a very cute French (I am not a French) ...

NOW, go out there and start approaching ...

And be open ... be open to both rejections and acceptance

 

[resilient]

I can see you're waiting for reactions from other ladies OP, but honestly man you have to radiate your own confidence. Attention and interest can be flattering, but it's often fleeting. You gotta be cool with being alone for a while if it means you have passions outside of your dating life. You say you work a lot at your company, but there's always some time you could save to socialize a little here or there. Or a hobby that feeds back into your sense of self and confidence that you enjoying talking about with others.

When I was in college, I commuted to school and didn't really have a lot of friends. To pass time, I hit the gym a lot, surfed, went to happy hours and sometimes broke off in my group to make a cold approach at the bar. Just a passing comment or a little banter. I wasn't directly going for the number close, just making fun conversation and having a chill time. Night out on the town life. After college, I joined a few social groups that got me around various social circles and I got to know people better. I enjoyed hiking, rock-climbing and competed briefly in ballroom dancing state competitions.

Point is... a girlfriend or long-term relationship can put a dent in feeling alone, but just be sure you keep up an interesting life outside of the relationship when you get one, so your identity doesn't get wrapped up in hers. That way you won't feel devastated if it doesn't work out. You'll hopefully continued pursuing your passions and have great friends to fall back on.

 

[Desdinova]

I put a picture of me doing my hobby on FaceBook. We all know why we post pictures on FaceBook,

I post pictures on Facebook to entertain myself and others. My pictures are usually interesting or humorous.

so I noticed people liking it, but there was one particular person I was hoping for it too like (yes a girl...). A few months ago I posted a picture of me doing this hobby in another setting, there she liked and I remember I felt great for a moment because of this. This picture she didn't like.

You obviously post pictures on Facebook for validation.

There are two extremely different motives behind why each of us post pictures on Facebook. I'm posting a snapshot of my personality and my world and sending it as a postcard to those on my friends list. I don't care who likes it because I personally like the picture. I'm confident in myself, and I don't define myself by the people who "like" my picture.

You need reasurance that people actually care about you and think about you. You feel like you don't exist if nobody "likes" your pictures. You believe that you live in everyone else's world instead of living in your own. You are a slave to other peoples' opinions about you. The structure of your entire happiness is resting on what everyone thinks about you. If nobody liked your picture, then what? Would you be depressed? Sad? Feel unwanted? Even your hobby exists solely because you want validation. Your hobbies should exist solely for your own benefit. There's a huge difference in posting a picture of you doing your hobby because you love it, and a picture of you doing your hobby to impress others.

What is the most rewarding part of your hobby? Recognition? You shouldn't even be able to define the most rewarding part of your hobby. You like doing it because.... you like doing it. Nobody understands why I love my hobbies, and I don't expect them to. They're unusual hobbies, but I just like doing them.

I'm thinking, and hoping, she didn't like this picture because the last times we worked blah blah blah blah blah...

CLICKING AN ICON WITH A MOUSE DEFINES NOTHING. Get that through your head.

I also want her to like it, so others can see her liking it and think "wow who is she, is he together with her, are they going to be together,..."

Why is this important? What does this accomplish? The answer is NOTHING.

When you truly have multiple women interested in you, you don't even have to think of this 5hit happening on Facebook. It will happen automatically and mostly without you realizing it. You cannot create this illusion with hope. You have to create it with action.

I post here too, because 1. of relieving what I think and 2. of the responses I get, I'm hoping for that magic formula or something that makes me feel good.

I'm not here to make you feel good. I'm here to tell you what you're doing wrong, how you're self-sabotaging yourself with your thinking, and hopefully kick you in the balls hard enough to have you running off to the road of true self-improvement instead of asking all your buddies for a magic carpet ride there.

The DJ Bible is back up and functional. Get the fvck off Facebook for a few hours and read it.

I'm done.

 

[JohnChops]

Okay, how about you break down the last woman you approached, chatted up, and number closed. Now, if you haven't done any approaching or number closing, then that explains why you're still without a GF.

Working on yourself and becoming content with being solitary is only a piece of the puzzle, just like approaching, displaying value, having confidence, humour, and everything else that enables you to get a date. You can't drive a car with just a steering wheel, and you can't become a better person just to expect a woman to walk up to you and shove your d1ck into her vagina. Having your 5hit together will help keep a woman around much longer, but if you can't approach and number close, then that point is moot.

Take a week out of your life, and spend every day of it by going out and approaching women for the sole purpose of number closing and setting up dates. The more you shoot at a target, the greater your chance of hitting it.

this. we talk about self improvement but making yourself better is for YOUR benefit, no one elses. However, it is not going to make girls come up to you and , as desd said, shuv your **** inside her right then and there. Opening and closing is the piece of the big picture. Well said Desd.