We learn things such as “don’t be needy” and “don’t be outcome dependent” but we never ask, and therefore understand, WHY. In my own personal game development this was one of the most challenging inner game problems I had to overcome. You see I naturally fall for most of the women I game. I actually LIKE being the “nice guy” and the romantic. So when I began liking a girl and seeing her uniqueness I naturally wanted her to reciprocate the way I felt…and would then become needy. I knew the rules, I knew not to do it, but understanding something logically doesn’t help when it’s emotional reasoning that gets a man to act that way. Maybe I’m the only one, but I remember a few times sending a needy text and immediately after thinking “Why did I send that?! I know better!!” This article though will hopefully make you truly UNDERSTAND what neediness actually is and why it’s a turn off to women. Understand not just on the logical level, but on the emotional level as well.
The first thing to understand is the concept of validation, which basically is just what makes us feel good about ourselves. For men the primary source of validation is physical validation. When women can’t keep their hands off us, having sex, or just grinding on the dance floor with a gorgeous girl give us a great deal of validation and satisfaction. For women however the primary source of validation is emotional validation. Being complimented, having all the men giving them lots of attention with all eyes on them, seeing all the girls looking jealous of her beauty, and having men fall for them on an emotional level. So knowing this what two things do women primarily want from men? Attention and affection…nothing makes them happier. In the same way that nothing makes a man happier then having sex from a gorgeous girl.
So then what’s wrong with neediness?! Being needy gives a girl both of these things! She gets massive amounts of attention and affection. To understand then let me ask you this…do you chase and try to get with sluts? Even if you said yes, do you continue to do it once you get in their pants? While I’m one of the most open minded and non judgemental man when it comes to women being sexual, I think every man would agree that we just don’t do this. Even though they are technically giving us everything we want. We may have FUN with a slut and like the validation they give us but we never actually begin to care for them or feel any deep attraction. The reason is because we instinctively know that if they act this way with us, chances are they act this way with all men, and that is just a turn off. Now if we knew they were a complete slut with ONLY us and no other man, how big of a turn on would that be?
Understanding this I’m gonna flip the script and use the same logic from the women’s point of view. By being needy and showering them with attention and affection right away when they haven’t earned it…you’re being an “emotional slut”. It’s the exact same thing. Sure they like the validation and it’ll make them feel good about themselves but it actually kills all the attraction they would have for you. Just like we know a slut acts that way with all men, they know an emotional slut acts that way with all women. Big turnoff. If you can appreciate the thrill of the “hunt” and the game to try and get a woman into bed then let the girl appreciate the “hunt” and the game to try and get your affection. This doesn’t mean be an emotionless prick, that would be the equivalent of finding a girl who’s a prude. It’s also just no fun, so don’t be an “emotional prude” either. Lets look at some more ways to view this other than from a social psychology perspective.
Evolutionary Psychology:
In caveman times if a man felt affection for every girl he slept with then he would be emotionally attatched to many women who are all bearing his children. This emotional slut now needs to protect and support a variety of women and offspring instead of picking just one family to be with. By spreading himself thin it decreases the chances for his offspring to survive. Basically less protection and less support per child. It’s fine for the emotional slut man because he has many offspring so chances are one will do well. However for every female it’s a pretty lousy deal. She would rather he just be emotionally attatched to her and her offspring in order to gain his full support. Overtime women have evolved psychologically to feel less attracted to men demonstrating this behavior. Men have also evolved a bit to lessen this behavior but only as a direct reaction to women finding it less attractive, therefore we are at a much slower rate then women. This is why there are so many men who are both emotional sluts as well as men who are much more emotionally guarded.
Cultural Psychology:
The masuline image in today’s culture is one of dominance, pride, strength, and overall tough bad ass. To be an emotional slut is then seen to be a sign of weakness or low masculinity. Women are the ones expected and taught by society to be the emotional creatures. They are the ones meant to wear their heart on their sleeves, cry at the first sign of trouble, and care about creating emotional connections with others. By being an emotional slut we are taking on a culturally conditioned feminine role which is simply unattractive to women.
Behavioral Psychology:
After countless interactions with men, women have been classically conditioned to understand that men want to get in their pants and will stoop to almost any level in order to do it. One of the most common “tricks of the trade” men use is faking an emotional connection in order to get physical validation. After seeing this trick many times women have become incredibly guarded against any man seen to be an emotional slut. Even if the feelings are genuine it simply triggers alarm bells because she’s been down that road before and is judging from personal previous experiences. Sorry nice guys, blame all the ingenuine *******s out there for this one.
So now that you understand this a bit what’s the solution?
Well I strongly advocate that it is the man’s responsibility to lead the pick up in pretty much every way. It is your job to approach, your job to get the number, to make the call, to set up the date, and to lead her naturally and effortlessly into bed. The woman’s job is simply to show signs of interest and disinterest as well as to accept or reject your advances. However there is one part of the process that you can take a break from and leave entirely to the woman, a part that is strictly hers to lead. That part is the emotional connection. Let her be the one to initiate the cuddling, to seek something “more” such as becoming a boyfriend and girlfriend, to seek out personal and emotional stories about your life that lets her see who you “really” are.
Any form of emotional connection needs to be made by her effort and your job is simply to accept her emotional advances or to reject them depending on what you want. It’s known in the seduction community that sexual escalation should be seen as a reward but we often overlook that “emotional escalation” should also be seen as a reward. In this case it’s even MORE important. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a game element for you to do in order to build a strong connection, it just means the game plan has changed. Instead of trying to create it yourself simply structure opportunities for her to emotionally escalate on you. If you have to wait then you have to wait. When talking to a good friend of mine, and an amazing PUA in his own right, we agreed that in every pick up we both have a “social mask” on in the beggining. Then as the interaction progresses we lower this mask to reveal our true selves in order to form a real connection with the girl. For those that find themselves being an emotional slut the task is then to keep that mask on until the girl works to remove it herself. The same thrill you have when you finally lower a woman’s pants down her legs after putting in the game effort is the exact same thrill the girl gets when she lowers your social mask to reveal the real you. A side of yourself that is exclusive and that most women don’t get to see. She will literally melt when this time comes and appreciate everything there is about you.
So I have only one question for you…are you an emotional slut?
The first thing to understand is the concept of validation, which basically is just what makes us feel good about ourselves. For men the primary source of validation is physical validation. When women can’t keep their hands off us, having sex, or just grinding on the dance floor with a gorgeous girl give us a great deal of validation and satisfaction. For women however the primary source of validation is emotional validation. Being complimented, having all the men giving them lots of attention with all eyes on them, seeing all the girls looking jealous of her beauty, and having men fall for them on an emotional level. So knowing this what two things do women primarily want from men? Attention and affection…nothing makes them happier. In the same way that nothing makes a man happier then having sex from a gorgeous girl.
So then what’s wrong with neediness?! Being needy gives a girl both of these things! She gets massive amounts of attention and affection. To understand then let me ask you this…do you chase and try to get with sluts? Even if you said yes, do you continue to do it once you get in their pants? While I’m one of the most open minded and non judgemental man when it comes to women being sexual, I think every man would agree that we just don’t do this. Even though they are technically giving us everything we want. We may have FUN with a slut and like the validation they give us but we never actually begin to care for them or feel any deep attraction. The reason is because we instinctively know that if they act this way with us, chances are they act this way with all men, and that is just a turn off. Now if we knew they were a complete slut with ONLY us and no other man, how big of a turn on would that be?
Understanding this I’m gonna flip the script and use the same logic from the women’s point of view. By being needy and showering them with attention and affection right away when they haven’t earned it…you’re being an “emotional slut”. It’s the exact same thing. Sure they like the validation and it’ll make them feel good about themselves but it actually kills all the attraction they would have for you. Just like we know a slut acts that way with all men, they know an emotional slut acts that way with all women. Big turnoff. If you can appreciate the thrill of the “hunt” and the game to try and get a woman into bed then let the girl appreciate the “hunt” and the game to try and get your affection. This doesn’t mean be an emotionless prick, that would be the equivalent of finding a girl who’s a prude. It’s also just no fun, so don’t be an “emotional prude” either. Lets look at some more ways to view this other than from a social psychology perspective.
Evolutionary Psychology:
In caveman times if a man felt affection for every girl he slept with then he would be emotionally attatched to many women who are all bearing his children. This emotional slut now needs to protect and support a variety of women and offspring instead of picking just one family to be with. By spreading himself thin it decreases the chances for his offspring to survive. Basically less protection and less support per child. It’s fine for the emotional slut man because he has many offspring so chances are one will do well. However for every female it’s a pretty lousy deal. She would rather he just be emotionally attatched to her and her offspring in order to gain his full support. Overtime women have evolved psychologically to feel less attracted to men demonstrating this behavior. Men have also evolved a bit to lessen this behavior but only as a direct reaction to women finding it less attractive, therefore we are at a much slower rate then women. This is why there are so many men who are both emotional sluts as well as men who are much more emotionally guarded.
Cultural Psychology:
The masuline image in today’s culture is one of dominance, pride, strength, and overall tough bad ass. To be an emotional slut is then seen to be a sign of weakness or low masculinity. Women are the ones expected and taught by society to be the emotional creatures. They are the ones meant to wear their heart on their sleeves, cry at the first sign of trouble, and care about creating emotional connections with others. By being an emotional slut we are taking on a culturally conditioned feminine role which is simply unattractive to women.
Behavioral Psychology:
After countless interactions with men, women have been classically conditioned to understand that men want to get in their pants and will stoop to almost any level in order to do it. One of the most common “tricks of the trade” men use is faking an emotional connection in order to get physical validation. After seeing this trick many times women have become incredibly guarded against any man seen to be an emotional slut. Even if the feelings are genuine it simply triggers alarm bells because she’s been down that road before and is judging from personal previous experiences. Sorry nice guys, blame all the ingenuine *******s out there for this one.
So now that you understand this a bit what’s the solution?
Well I strongly advocate that it is the man’s responsibility to lead the pick up in pretty much every way. It is your job to approach, your job to get the number, to make the call, to set up the date, and to lead her naturally and effortlessly into bed. The woman’s job is simply to show signs of interest and disinterest as well as to accept or reject your advances. However there is one part of the process that you can take a break from and leave entirely to the woman, a part that is strictly hers to lead. That part is the emotional connection. Let her be the one to initiate the cuddling, to seek something “more” such as becoming a boyfriend and girlfriend, to seek out personal and emotional stories about your life that lets her see who you “really” are.
Any form of emotional connection needs to be made by her effort and your job is simply to accept her emotional advances or to reject them depending on what you want. It’s known in the seduction community that sexual escalation should be seen as a reward but we often overlook that “emotional escalation” should also be seen as a reward. In this case it’s even MORE important. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a game element for you to do in order to build a strong connection, it just means the game plan has changed. Instead of trying to create it yourself simply structure opportunities for her to emotionally escalate on you. If you have to wait then you have to wait. When talking to a good friend of mine, and an amazing PUA in his own right, we agreed that in every pick up we both have a “social mask” on in the beggining. Then as the interaction progresses we lower this mask to reveal our true selves in order to form a real connection with the girl. For those that find themselves being an emotional slut the task is then to keep that mask on until the girl works to remove it herself. The same thrill you have when you finally lower a woman’s pants down her legs after putting in the game effort is the exact same thrill the girl gets when she lowers your social mask to reveal the real you. A side of yourself that is exclusive and that most women don’t get to see. She will literally melt when this time comes and appreciate everything there is about you.
So I have only one question for you…are you an emotional slut?
