Getting dumped for a loser?

[SSBS]

This has always puzzled me. There have been 3 times in my life where I got dumped and rather than trading up, as a woman does, on these three occasions they clearly moved downwards.

Ex.1:

I was 20, she was 18. We had known each other for about 4 years at that point. I was out of my mind infatuated with her, and it took years for us to finally get together.

She left me for a 31 year old, unemployed loser that had a kid.

Ex.2)

We got together when I was 24 and she was 19. We spent 8 years together. Lived together for 5. The relationship deteriorated after about the 6 year point. At least to me it did, so that means it was probably more after the 4 year point for her...but whatever.

She was a waitress at a dive restaurant, and after me, hooked up with the dishwasher / kitchen guy, whatever he was. They went to Costa Rica to help build a village for brown people soon after.

Ex.3)

Dated this one for about 4 years. She had a kid from a previous short term "relationship"

Guy was a total deadbeat. Left her when she was still pregnant and married some other broad. Never gave her a cent to help with the kid. She lives in South America. We worked together at a hotel and spent the majority of our time together. When we were apart it was for a couple of months at a time, after our contracts would end. (6 - 8 months at work, 2 months vacation)

So I fly down to see her, spend a month in her ****hole country, then fly back home. Next thing I hear, the kid's father (American) takes an interest. 5 years after the fact, but better late than never I guess. He flies down a week after I left, to meet and presumably take care of his kid finally, and 2 weeks later she messages me on facebook that they are back together.

These three women are about as different from each other as could be. Each happened at a much different stage in my life. There really is nothing similar about any of them.

The only common link is me.

It seems weird. I could understand if they traded up, but this just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[muscleman]

Seems like you've been a little too available in these relationships and playing into their frame. You dated a single mommy for 4 years? Don't do it again. The longest I spent with a single mom was a month and cut it off as soon as she started pushing the kid on me.

Among other things, the kid will always come first and the biological father will always play a role. There's no going around it. That's what makes them bad long term prospects (and 4 years is very much long term).

Women 'trading up' doesn't have to make sense to you. It's not logical. 'Alpha' traits aren't necessarily related to money or status; it's a suite of characteristics and you're not getting the full story. Maybe the dishwasher was good looking, had a big d!ck, and knew how to push her buttons right. Or maybe she was just sick of spending 'all your time together' and wanted some validation elsewhere.

It's quite natural for both sexes to wander a little after that much time together unless, as RT puts it, 'you own her fvcking soul'.

 

[backbreaker]

I once got dumped by a girl.. **** in my prime I might add... for a waffle house cook.


women are like drug addicts. if you ever go to like Al Anon or some **** they tell you, don't try to use logic to figure out why addicts dow hat they do, you can't, you can't possibly understand the logic of a drug addict. that's how i feel about women. i assure you to her the **** makes perfect sense.

I mean in that instance, i mean what can you do? I know i don't suck, so I mean i'm not going to change anything up just to make this girl happy.

i didn't waste 2 seconds figuring out what i did wrong or how i could get her back.. I mean some women you aren't supposed to win them over. this was one of those women.

 

[SSBS]

Seems like you've been a little too available in these relationships and playing into their frame. You dated a single mommy for 4 years? Don't do it again. The longest I spent with a single mom was a month and cut it off as soon as she started pushing the kid on me.

Among other things, the kid will always come first and the biological father will always play a role. There's no going around it. That's what makes them bad long term prospects (and 4 years is very much long term).

Women 'trading up' doesn't have to make sense to you. It's not logical. 'Alpha' traits aren't necessarily related to money or status; it's a suite of characteristics and you're not getting the full story. Maybe the dishwasher was good looking, had a big d!ck, and knew how to push her buttons right. Or maybe she was just sick of spending 'all your time together' and wanted some validation elsewhere.

It's quite natural for both sexes to wander a little after that much time together unless, as RT puts it, 'you own her fvcking soul'.

The kid was never really in the picture. Was at home with the family while mom was away at work. Even so, I knew her kid better than the father did. He was never involved at all. She never tried to push the kid on me either. It wasn't your typical "single mom" scenario by any stretch.

Anyway, I DO understand that a woman will bounce the second she perceives a better situation for herself. I just don't see that as the case in any of the three scenarios above.

 

[scrouds]

Follow the tingles.

Women don't date based on logic. They follow their emotions. If you don't get her all tingly anymore, she'll find someone else that does.

Even if he's unemployed. Even if he washes dishes, even if he cooks at waffle house. And especially if her bad boy alpha that knocked her up and the left comes back to her.

 

[sodbuster]

Who knows... had one leave me for a 5'3" 110 lb boy of 25 who can't keep a job or make much more than minimum wage. BUT, she can control him....gives him $50/week spending money and keeps the rest. He's in jail in her house[while making her house payments] and doesn't realize it

 

[backbreaker]

Follow the tingles.

Women don't date based on logic. They follow their emotions. If you don't get her all tingly anymore, she'll find someone else that does.d

Even if he's unemployed. Even if he washes dishes, even if he cooks at waffle house. And especially if her bad boy alpha that knocked her up and the left comes back to her.

i fundmentally have to disagree with this.

I think a more accurate version would say that yes women do follow what makes the gina tingle, but what makes the gina tingle is the difference between a high and low quality woman.

What I mean is, my wife would never be attracted to a waffle house cook. Not because he is broke per say, and i'm not saying she might not think a guy is cute or what not, but the qualities that my wife looks for in a man, the guy at the waffle house just doesn't have. She likes the fact that I am ambitious, she likes the fact that i have my **** together, I'm pretty intelligent, and yes I am pretty good looking and I take pristine care of my body but to her, that's really just the icing on the cake. Waffle house guy does not have the personality or the character traits it would take to tame a woman like my wife, regardless of how alpha he might or might not be. Not a knock on waffle house cook.. I was a cook at waffle house in high school, it's not an easy job, but just.. i mean there it is.

i mean if you made me make a list of why the girl liked the waffle house over me i could probably give you one.. I'm.. if everyone had to pick a TV character who best represents themselves I would without question be Gus Fring from Breaking bad... I'm about my money first, second and third. I'm very... i'm not what someone would call exciting. Actually considering I break my day down into 2 minute intervals and I know what I am doing just about every minute of everyday exciting is the last word you would use to describe me. It's not to say I don't do interesting things, but just my personality, is not really all that loud. I like what I like, I'm pretty soft spoken in real life, don't talk a lot, I'm not really flashy.. If you want a guy who is just going to pick you up spare the moment and do something exciting, I'm pretty much not your guy. the thought of wasting an entire day on a whim is petrifying to me. I don't stay out late. maybe 1 or 2 times a year I'm' not in the house by 11pm.

So you have the waffle house slut and you have my wife. The waffle house girl looks a me and says he's not exciting, my wife looks at me and says he's ambitious. The waffle house slut says he doesn't know how to have fun, my wife looks at me and says he works hard so that he can play hard (which is very true). Waffle house slut looks at me and says he's too predictable he's not spontaneous. My wife looks at me and says he knows what he wants to get done and has a plan to get it done. Waffle house slut looks at me and says he doesn't know how to kick it, he doesn't now how to party. My wife looks at me and says he runs his life like a man who has a lot of responsibilities


Then you take the waffle house dude. Waffle house slut looks at waffle house guy and says wow he's exciting, my wife looks at the waffle house dude and says a person can only club and drink beer so much. Waffle house slut looks at the waffle house dude says i never know what we are going to do when I am around him he's so exciting, my wife looks at the waffle house guy and says this guy has no plan at all and no displaine to go with not having a plan.. he's going to be right here doing the same **** 2-5 years from now. Waffle house slut looks at waffle house guy and says we had so much fun kicking it, his friends are a trip and we partied hard. My wife looks at the waffle house dude and says going to bars and getting drunk got old 12 years ago, fun to me is going on vacations out of town on beaches or going on a cruise or getting dressed up with my derby hat and going to the kentucky derby, none of which this guy has the means to do or the mental capacity to develop the means.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Age plays a role too. Went on a date with a 36 year old last week. In talking about dating she said her priorities have changed as she has gotten older. In her 20s she'd date a guy if he was cute and funny -- nothing else was necessary. In her 30s she wants more than that -- ambition, has his sh*t together, character, etc.

This falls into Rollo's SMV theory. In her 20s the girl's SMV was such that being hot (especially if combined with good sense of humor -- which IMO, if you're hot, is a form of confidence -- if you're not hot then often it's to cover up insecurity) was all it took to date her. Now that she has gotten older and probably put on a few pounds (she is not fat but my guess is she has still put on 10 pounds as part of the aging process and busy work schedule taking up time to exercise) she subconsciously realizes her SMV has fallen and the guys she wouldn't think twice about, the ones who had to put effort into making men of themselves through education, career, etc. begin to have more appeal.

 

[Robert28]

here's my theory. losers are going to date losers no matter what. when you were with the girl and she seemed all perfect, she really wasn't, she was just a loser in disguise. you probably couldn't see her loser traits because people tend to look past the bad and see what they want to see when it comes to people they like. trust me, i've been in your shoes. i recently got picked over for a fvcking DORK of a man. flat out GEEK. he's bony as hell, looks like Waldo, has the personality of someone that spends their nights watching Scifi. i know i am a MUCH better catch then he is, who gives a rats @$$ if she doesn't think so. i also dated this girl for two years who was honestly a 9.9, she had her head on straight, had a good job as a paralegal, she was just awesome. now she is a 6 on her BEST day after she got hooked up with some drug addict starving tattoo artist who runs his little tattoo shop and could probably barely afford to eat at Mcdonald's once a year. i don't worry about it though, she chose to throw her life away and it wasnt because of me. she might not think her life is in the crapper, but denial is funny like that.

 

[backbreaker]

here's my theory. losers are going to date losers no matter what. when you were with the girl and she seemed all perfect, she really wasn't, she was just a loser in disguise. you probably couldn't see her loser traits because people tend to look past the bad and see what they want to see when it comes to people they like. trust me, i've been in your shoes. i recently got picked over for a fvcking DORK of a man. flat out GEEK. he's bony as hell, looks like Waldo, has the personality of someone that spends their nights watching Scifi. i know i am a MUCH better catch then he is, who gives a rats @$$ if she doesn't think so. i also dated this girl for two years who was honestly a 9.9, she had her head on straight, had a good job as a paralegal, she was just awesome. now she is a 6 on her BEST day after she got hooked up with some drug addict starving tattoo artist who runs his little tattoo shop and could probably barely afford to eat at Mcdonald's once a year. i don't worry about it though, she chose to throw her life away and it wasnt because of me. she might not think her life is in the crapper, but denial is funny like that.

pretty much this.

to me horse racing is the perfect microcosm of everyday life.

you aren't, regardless of how good you are, you aren't going to win every race.

not only that, ti's not always going to be because you did something wrong. you can't change the way you handicap after every time you lose to try to hit every race beucase it's impossible. you have to figure out what you do, do that every well, admit when you fvcked up but when you don't fvck up and don't lose, learn how to brush it off and get back in there. like the derby this year i had that freaking race handicapped dead to rights. I knew i'll have another, bodemeister, creative cause were the three best horses in the race, and i settled on creative cause because to me he had the best post. and you know what i lost. but it doesn't mean I did anything wrong. In fact i know i didn't. i will pick a horse coming out the 8 hole over a horse coming out the 19 hole, meaning that he travels about.. 50 to 75 less feet throughout the entire race, if i think they are about equal ability, 10 out of 10 times.

you got to learn how to lose. lose gracefully, turn the page and get back in there, and don't take every loss as some type of personal blow to your self esteem or spend time soul searching because agirl you ever looked at didnt' go crazy over you..

I remember when I was in high school I worked at best buy and there was this very very very cute black girl, elise was her named, who had teh biggest freaking crush on me. and she was really pretty. like seriously. and not only that, she had her **** together. she really did. and she wanted to date me so bad and i basically chose another girl over here.. basically because she had pretty feet. I bull**** you not lol that was pretty much it. girl had some bad ass feet.

you can't win them all, beucase some of them aren't winnable.

 

[SSBS]

I'm not hung up on any of these women. 1 was over 20 years ago, the other close to 10. I've never felt anything other than it was their loss.

I get that people grow apart. Lots of changes happen in women from age 19 to 27. Same with men. Theres a lot of ground between 24 and 32.

Getting dumped for a loser three times in 20+ years is not a show stopper for me.

For Donjuanabe:

What you are describing is a woman getting MORE selective as she is approaching the finish line. Maybe she has matured enough to have a better idea of what she wants, but her value (and ability to be so selective) is rapidly declining at 36.

In any case, I'm not convinced that there is any age that a woman clues in to reality. Except when they get so unattractive from age and/or weight that they become genuinely invisible to men.

We're lucky. We do age better, plus we can always get sex from young women for money. I mean the day will come when we're all out of options. The young hotties will only actually "see" us for so long. You may last into your 50's if you take extremely good care of your body, but looking around out there, I don't see a lot of that.

If I stay single long enough, I might just become one of those white guys in Asia banging a different chick every day. Always wanted to do that anyway.

 

[Boilermaker]

It's interesting though, OP spent all his 20's (by doing the math) in LTR's and it was always them dumping him.

Maybe they wanted more and he wouldn't put out ( marry ) ...?

I am thinking something as simple as that, in this case.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I think the gina tingles can wear off...the wafflehouse cook may have seemed like a good deal..but a few months down the line she'll see her future with him..may not seem so appealing.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself man. If it was a strictly game of logic, things wouldn't be as complex as they get...

Maybe these were just young immature women?

The link could be you -- but also give yourself come credit, think of the type of women you are choosing -- it might not be YOU but the choice in women you make.

 

[st_99]

I hate that sh!t, when u get dumped for someone you are like 99.9% sure you are just simply better than. Looks, humor, personality, career, game, fun, whatever.

You're like, wtf is going on here? LOL. But like others have pointed out, sometimes girls just need to be with a loser (or not as dynamic as you) because deep down, that is where they think they fit in. Or maybe i'm just delusional, could be that also.

 

[SSBS]

lol

I am not beating myself up over any of it. For the record, the kitchen guy was a longhair weed smoking burnout. Like all kitchen guys. That's fine though.

I've already pointed out how the single mom was anything but the classic scenario.

I do appreciate the different opinions though. You always hear / read about branch swinging and hypergamy, but this seems to be the exact opposite.

There is no way I got "outgamed" after 8 years with someone. A long term relationship of that length is a completely different animal than playing hot and cold with some chick you barely know in a bar.

 

[Bokanovsky]

i fundmentally have to disagree with this.

I think a more accurate version would say that yes women do follow what makes the gina tingle, but what makes the gina tingle is the difference between a high and low quality woman.

What I mean is, my wife would never be attracted to a waffle house cook. Not because he is broke per say, and i'm not saying she might not think a guy is cute or what not, but the qualities that my wife looks for in a man, the guy at the waffle house just doesn't have. She likes the fact that I am ambitious, she likes the fact that i have my **** together, I'm pretty intelligent, and yes I am pretty good looking and I take pristine care of my body but to her, that's really just the icing on the cake. Waffle house guy does not have the personality or the character traits it would take to tame a woman like my wife, regardless of how alpha he might or might not be. Not a knock on waffle house cook.. I was a cook at waffle house in high school, it's not an easy job, but just.. i mean there it is.

i mean if you made me make a list of why the girl liked the waffle house over me i could probably give you one.. I'm.. if everyone had to pick a TV character who best represents themselves I would without question be Gus Fring from Breaking bad... I'm about my money first, second and third. I'm very... i'm not what someone would call exciting. Actually considering I break my day down into 2 minute intervals and I know what I am doing just about every minute of everyday exciting is the last word you would use to describe me. It's not to say I don't do interesting things, but just my personality, is not really all that loud. I like what I like, I'm pretty soft spoken in real life, don't talk a lot, I'm not really flashy.. If you want a guy who is just going to pick you up spare the moment and do something exciting, I'm pretty much not your guy. the thought of wasting an entire day on a whim is petrifying to me. I don't stay out late. maybe 1 or 2 times a year I'm' not in the house by 11pm.

So you have the waffle house slut and you have my wife. The waffle house girl looks a me and says he's not exciting, my wife looks at me and says he's ambitious. The waffle house slut says he doesn't know how to have fun, my wife looks at me and says he works hard so that he can play hard (which is very true). Waffle house slut looks at me and says he's too predictable he's not spontaneous. My wife looks at me and says he knows what he wants to get done and has a plan to get it done. Waffle house slut looks at me and says he doesn't know how to kick it, he doesn't now how to party. My wife looks at me and says he runs his life like a man who has a lot of responsibilities


Then you take the waffle house dude. Waffle house slut looks at waffle house guy and says wow he's exciting, my wife looks at the waffle house dude and says a person can only club and drink beer so much. Waffle house slut looks at the waffle house dude says i never know what we are going to do when I am around him he's so exciting, my wife looks at the waffle house guy and says this guy has no plan at all and no displaine to go with not having a plan.. he's going to be right here doing the same **** 2-5 years from now. Waffle house slut looks at waffle house guy and says we had so much fun kicking it, his friends are a trip and we partied hard. My wife looks at the waffle house dude and says going to bars and getting drunk got old 12 years ago, fun to me is going on vacations out of town on beaches or going on a cruise or getting dressed up with my derby hat and going to the kentucky derby, none of which this guy has the means to do or the mental capacity to develop the means.

Out of curiosity, how many two minute intervals did it take you to write this post?

From reading the above, as well as your other posts on these boards, two things become apparent: 1) your ego is bigger than the proverbial elephant in the room; and 2) the pedestal that you have built for your wife is so tall, you can call muslims to prayer from it. Not trying to diss you; just making an observation as a long-time lurker on this board. What's interesting is that #1 and #2 are directly related. In your own mind, you are special, so your wife must also be special for recognizing your great qualities and choosing you over other men.

Be careful with that line of thinking. The bigger the ego, the harder it gets bruised (take that from a fellow big ego guy). Judging by your age, you haven't been married for very long. Statistically speaking, most divorces take place after 10+ years of marriage. And if there's one thing I've learned about broads, the more you think you know a woman, the less you actually do. Do you honestly think that the orignal poster ever expected his woman to run away with the waffle guy? Don't be the guy who thinks that it could never happen to him.

 

[Aristippus]

It could also be a case of two people being exposed to each other day in and day out. Sure, you can keep things exciting in long term relationships and for people that do that, it requires a conscious effort not to keep doing the same things, the same routines, over and over and over.

I think what happens is this. In many cases, 2 people are dating and it's exciting. There is no talk of her bills or what she thinks you have to do. There is no nagging. There are no responsibilities. So because there's no assumed responsibility, because you're not playing that role, all of the times are fun and exciting. There's no drudgery. No chores. No talking about this bill or that bill.

Basically, by entering into the more serious phase of the relationship, you may have some good times together but you also have some bad times and rough patches. Now all of a sudden, the couple doesn't keep things fresh and work on keeping the relationship exciting and the passion strong, the husband and/or live-in boyfriend becomes associated with the drudgery of day to day responsibilities that many people associate with long-term relationships.

Then what can happen, is new guy comes along and isn't associated with any of the drudgery, or any of the boring everyday stuff, and she sees him differently. The live-in boyfriend is making it possible for her to have a more comfortable life because of his sacrifices and hard work, but he's also becoming associated with the drudgery and boredom of the everyday responsibilities. He becomes associated with the mundane and everyday routine.

So she might REALLY be trading down, but what's happening is that the boyfriend becomes associated to responsibility. To routine. Maybe she also has unwarranted and unrealistic expectations. He's not living up to her unrealistic demands. The loser who she only sees occasionally is new. Just like you and her were new when you were dating. She ISN'T doing chores with him. She ISN'T talking about the bills with him. She ISN'T stressing over financial issues with him.

She ISN'T b*tching and nagging at him. In her mind she doesn't have a license to nag at him because she isn't his long-term or live-in girlfriend. So everything is fun and peachy. She's looking at the slug, the loser, through rose-colored glasses where everything is fun. If a woman who traded down had actually met both guys at the same time, she would have picked you over the loser. Since the new wore off and she had enough negatives associated to the live-in, the new guy basically gets to reap the rewards of the man who is contributing to the household without making any of the sacrifices.

Basically the new guy, in some respects, is standing on the shoulders of the live-in man. He's done all the hard work of either contributing or supporting the wife/girlfriend and has put up with all of her b.s., while new guy can basically swoop in and screw the girlfriend. The wife/girlfriend is basically f*cking around on her husband's dime. He gets the burdens while new guy reaps the rewards. He's associated with fun because he has no responsibilities to the cheating wife/girlfriend.

What she's wanted becomes what she no longer wants. The rest of the guys covered some of the other possible scenarios.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

It could also be a case of two people being exposed to each other day in and day out. Sure, you can keep things exciting in long term relationships and for people that do that, it requires a conscious effort not to keep doing the same things, the same routines, over and over and over.

I think what happens is this. In many cases, 2 people are dating and it's exciting. There is no talk of her bills or what she thinks you have to do. There is no nagging. There are no responsibilities. So because there's no assumed responsibility, because you're not playing that role, all of the times are fun and exciting. There's no drudgery. No chores. No talking about this bill or that bill.

Basically, by entering into the more serious phase of the relationship, you may have some good times together but you also have some bad times and rough patches. Now all of a sudden, the couple doesn't keep things fresh and work on keeping the relationship exciting and the passion strong, the husband and/or live-in boyfriend becomes associated with the drudgery of day to day responsibilities that many people associate with long-term relationships.

Then what can happen, is new guy comes along and isn't associated with any of the drudgery, or any of the boring everyday stuff, and she sees him differently. The live-in boyfriend is making it possible for her to have a more comfortable life because of his sacrifices and hard work, but he's also becoming associated with the drudgery and boredom of the everyday responsibilities. He becomes associated with the mundane and everyday routine.

So she might REALLY be trading down, but what's happening is that the boyfriend becomes associated to responsibility. To routine. Maybe she also has unwarranted and unrealistic expectations. He's not living up to her unrealistic demands. The loser who she only sees occasionally is new. Just like you and her were new when you were dating. She ISN'T doing chores with him. She ISN'T talking about the bills with him. She ISN'T stressing over financial issues with him.

She ISN'T b*tching and nagging at him. In her mind she doesn't have a license to nag at him because she isn't his long-term or live-in girlfriend. So everything is fun and peachy. She's looking at the slug, the loser, through rose-colored glasses where everything is fun. If a woman who traded down had actually met both guys at the same time, she would have picked you over the loser. Since the new wore off and she had enough negatives associated to the live-in, the new guy basically gets to reap the rewards of the man who is contributing to the household without making any of the sacrifices.

Basically the new guy, in some respects, is standing on the shoulders of the live-in man. He's done all the hard work of either contributing or supporting the wife/girlfriend and has put up with all of her b.s., while new guy can basically swoop in and screw the girlfriend. The wife/girlfriend is basically f*cking around on her husband's dime. He gets the burdens while new guy reaps the rewards. He's associated with fun because he has no responsibilities to the cheating wife/girlfriend.

What she's wanted becomes what she no longer wants. The rest of the guys covered some of the other possible scenarios.

^^^This^^^ and backbreakers posts. As for me myself. I would just keep it moving and not look back, only to learn from possible mistakes I may've made. No time to waste on people you can't control. I've got my own life to worry about first.

 

[backbreaker]

Aristippus's post reminds me of that Superman/batman post that rollo made a few years ago

 

[bmp2cpm]

Out of curiosity, how many two minute intervals did it take you to write this post?

As someone who's been lurking on this board for 4 years, I have to say, I find Backbreakers' posts extremely insightful and often quite brilliant. Give his posts a try Bokanovsky and you'll find some really good gems of wisdom.