Why does it feel like I'm constantly being disrespected

[ThunderMaverick]

I''ve been in an almost 4 month relationship with a girl I was friends with for a year or so prior. Great chemistry. We're very honest with each other. Like most of the same things and grew up in similar ways. Everything is fine except for the orbiters...

A couple of months ago she had a photography shoot with a guy who ties people up (it's a fetish thing) and I escorted her to the shoot. The guy was flirting with her and on a few occasions pulled her hair. It didn't bother her at the time but I was enraged. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to mess the shoot up. I told her after and she ended up telling the guy that it was disrespectful to me. He apologized to her (not me) and said it wouldn't happen again. Keep in mind also the guy was writing in his photo comment of her that she reminded him of his ex girlfriend he "use to have a lot of fun with. but that's another story".

That's always stayed in my mind.

Yesterday when I was leaving her place she said her ex boyfriend of 5 years was going to pick her up and they were going to go to the mall. This threw me for a loop because she tells me at the last minute and she wouldn't have told me if I didn't ask.

I told her I was uncomfortable with it because of their history (abuse, etc) and was just going to leave when he showed up. But I decided to call them back and hang with them at the mall.

Me and the ex ended up talking for a couple of hours and everything was cool He's a changed person and really just a friend from what I could see.

A few minutes ago I get a text of what her plans are for today. She's hanging out with the photo guy who pulled her hair. Apparently he's buying her lunch.

I just texted her back "okay" and didn't really think about it. NOW I'm thinking about it. I'm trying my best to see from her perspective (after all that's what couples do to stay together) but it's really hard to swallow knowing that the guy is really attracted to her AND buying her lunch. If the guy had no testicles and didn't see her in a sexual light I wouldn't have a problem with it. But he knows and SHE knows.

Due to abuse she's had a hard time defending herself against people and that's what worries me more than anything. I saw this guy display dominance over her and she didn't fight back. Now he's treating her to lunch. I don't want to think about this sh!t, that's why I'm asking...

What do you guys think I should do? I have a few things in mind, but I don't want to overreact.

 

[iqqi]

Whatever dude.

My first impulse was to yell at you to stop getting into relationships with LOSERS and terrible quality h0's.

But at this point it is just plain and clear that you like the abuse. You have been here waaay too long to be in a mess like this without it really being something deeper and more serious. If you ever want to end this cycle of being an AFC to superficial and f'd up women you may want to consider getting help, and I mean that as a friend. Otherwise, enjoy the pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi0Jmdrx0wM

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I don't enjoy the abuse. There really is no abuse. Just my boundaries being bent over backwards again and again. She hasn't done anything to really disrespect me. (lied, cheated) She usually lets me know what is going on.

I'm just thinking "why are you going out with this guy when I obviously have a problem with him?"

 

[Bluntmaster]

Why are you letting her hang out with exes? You should have set the boundary a long time ago. I would probably dump her at this point.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Agh, there's just a lot of variables. Iqqi you don't hang out with exes or guy friends?

No one here hangs out with exes in a friendly manner? Most of the time there's more to it. Other times...I dunno.

 

[thedude4242]

iqqi you are a girl?

 

[1 Bad Dude]

Do you hang out with your butcher? How about your tailor? No you don't.

They aren't going on a lunch DATE. Photographers... REAL professional business photographers do NOT specialize. Exchange a few phone calls, meet in the studio maybe, but they don't need to "do lunch." He's fvcking her, WELL.

And how are you very honest with someone who would not have told you she was going out with an ex if you had not asked? You only got to go because you found out, not because she wanted you to.

 

[Bluntmaster]

Do you hang out with your butcher? How about your tailor? No you don't.

They aren't going on a lunch DATE. Photographers... REAL professional business photographers do NOT specialize. Exchange a few phone calls, meet in the studio maybe, but they don't need to "do lunch." He's fvcking her, WELL.

And how are you very honest with someone who would not have told you she was going out with an ex if you had not asked? You only got to go because you found out, not because she wanted you to.

Too many red flags. I remember TM posted in the other thread that she's a reformed party slut. And now this...How many more red flags do you need? She sounds like a possible liar and cheater. you going to let her burn you or dump that ho?

 

[Iceberg]

Due to abuse she's had a hard time defending herself against people and that's what worries me more than anything. I saw this guy display dominance over her and she didn't fight back. Now he's treating her to lunch. I don't want to think about this sh!t, that's why I'm asking...

Oh that poor innocent little flower. This big old bully photographer, bossing her around, forcing her to answer his texts, forcing her to let him treat her to lunch. It's not her fault. She has abuse in her past.

The situation that she's in is entirely under her control. She's going to lunch with other dudes, and going on shopping trips with the ex. Seems like you're just occupying her time until she finds someone real.

This relationship got out of your control. Time to tear this one down and start a new one. Bottom line.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

No he's not fu<king her. He wants to, that's why they're going out. Maybe it's under the guise of doing professional things, but I don't buy it.

EDIT: SINCE I'VE REACHED MY 10 POST LIMIT I'LL BE ANSWERING QUESTIONS THROUGH EDITS ON THIS POST::

t's a really funky situation that just got weirder. I asked her why she's going out with him and she says (among other things) that's she's testing herself to be more assertive. I said before she's been abused in the past and she has a hard time saying no. There was a situation where she got taken advantage of a month or so ago and the guy (photographer) kept trying to contact her. I threatened to ruin his rep if he kept calling and sure enough after that email he ceased all contact.

It's funny, I've been with good girls who didn't live a lifestyle like this and they were some of the most back biting dishonest lying by omission kind of people. It's not like this with my girlfriend. She tells me everything. She's herself around me and she doesn't want to disappoint me. I love her, I really do. But maybe she's too far gone as far as her previous abuse.

I wouldn't bother if I felt we hand no kind of connection. She wouldn't be anything to me and I wouldn't bother staying with her, let alone get into a relationship.

Message over facebook:

Me: Why are you going out with him?

Her: Free lunch (she's really REALLY broke and almost homeless)/ a test for myself. I can't be with you if i can't be more assertive. It's not fair to depend on you so much. I know i can do this and be ok


Me:Wait WHAT?! Baby...I don't need you putting yourself in a compromising situation for me to trust you. I. TRUST. YOU. I don't trust HIM.

Me:Is there more to this? Did you contact him or did he contact you? Did you want to shoot with him agian?


Her: No just lunch. I need to trust myself. I need to not be afraid anymore. As far as shoots go i don't have any planned for the time being


Me:Knowing that he's attracted to you and wants to **** you why would you put yourself in a situation like this?? I don't need you to do that. God...If you feel really uncomfortable call me. Let me know what happens. I love you. :/


Her:Because there will always be ppl like that. I need to be able to handle it. You wont always be there



EDIT: No I don't think she's cheating on me because there are blatant signs of it. Her interest level has always been through the roof since we've met. She cancels plans for me if I push. She always takes my calls and she's always available when I want her. She's never flaked or cancelled our plans. She's done everything I've told her to do. In that respect she is a good girl.

I've been on this site too long to NOT know the signs of cheating. My problem is her hanging out with people who want to f*ck her and being okay with that. I'm not okay with it. Orbiters will always try to cause a rift or plant seeds of doubt...or money. Lot's of money.


@1 Bad Dude - I did that with her yesterday. She saw I was uneasy with her going out with her ex and she invited me. I said no at first but then I changed my mind because I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to understand why she was still keeping in contact with him and not see the guy as a 1 dimensional character. We all hung out, had a good time, talked about some of her embarrassing things and it was fine. She would have no problem with me going to this lunch thing. I don't see the guy as a threat. I don't feel it.

If she cheats then she cheats. I'm not worried about that in the least. My issue is, and always has been her being taken advantage of.



TIC She's a model and she's always going to have guys hover around her like sharks. She's pretty, and she'll be getting a lot of attention from people for a long long time. I don't have jealousy issues, because I know what we have. As I said I don't think it was necessary for her to put herself in that situation to test her self. It's reckless and dumb in my opinion. She just needs to stay out of scenarios like the one she's getting into today.

@ SHOGUN Thanks for having a more open mind about the situation. It's appreciated. The truth is, is that she's not just some attention seeking wh0re who just let's things happen to her without accountability. Truth is is that she knows this and wants to change for ME. I can't be responsible for that change because I might not always be there as both a lover and a best friend. Nothing is guaranteed. Years ago I would have put my happiness (i actually did) in the hands of a girl who ripped my heart out. Again my gurrent GF isn't like my ex who was always hiding sh!t from me and always lying through omission. She's not spoiled or has a "ME" mentality.

I love her enough to want her to change for herself, even if that means sacrificing our relationship. If we break up, I'LL be okay. She won't.

Most guys here aren't in a relationship so it's hard to hear someone else say "I believe that she'll get better". I don't know if it's a guarantee, but I hope she does. I hope I can help. I will not sacrifice my self respect for it though. I'm trying to get a better understanding of what's going on through her head though.

 

[1 Bad Dude]

No he's not fu<king her. He wants to, that's why they're going out. Maybe it's under the guise of doing professional things, but I don't buy it.

Really? Then try this.

You: "Hey honey. Where you guys going for lunch? I'll meet up with you."

Get a straight answer and I might believe you. Get an "I don't know" and guess what.

 

[Iceberg]

No he's not fu<king her. He wants to, that's why they're going out. Maybe it's under the guise of doing professional things, but I don't buy it.

Either way. She knows it. So she's having lunch with a guy who's sexually interested in her. One on one.

I don't care what HIS intentions are. He owes you nothing. The question is: What is the girl thinking? And at this point you shouldn't care.

 

[1 Bad Dude]

Either way. She knows it. So she's having lunch with a guy who's sexually interested in her. One on one.

I don't care what HIS intentions are. He owes you nothing. The question is: What is the girl thinking? And at this point you shouldn't care.

Exactly. She's talking to an abusive ex and, entertaining a **** photographer. That tells me he isn't what she considers a real man so she's moving away from him. OP, You should move on.

Personally, I would have acted out my own little dominance/tie-up session after that photo shoot. But thats just me.

 

[terran2k]

she'll treat you the way you let her treat you.
f*ck that ****, mess up her photo shoot, dont let some dumb ***** do that **** to you.
keeping **** bottled up to prove **** don't bother you will eventaully f*ck you over. you gotta set the boundaries.

 

[TIC]

This girl does not have respect for your boundaries.

What you have is an increasing number of guys hovering around your woman like sharks...first the photo guy, then her ex out of nowhere, who's next?

I'd tell her to COOL IT with the guy friends. She already has a man in her life and shouldn't need anymore male attention, especially from men who she's seen naked before

 

[1 Bad Dude]

So you talked to her on facebook and she gave you a perfect excuse for you to NOT even ask to go with her. How much do you wanna bet she's been working on that excuse since you derailed her c0ck ride with the ex?

Heres the thing. Women do not go on dates, thats what these are, with men they aren't interested in. Thats called leading someone on. They go out with friendzone guys because they've hidden their sexuality from the girl. You don't know how many girls I've tried to take on dates that have had boyfriends and they wouldn't do it. The only ones that did were the ones that were looking to jump ship. The committed ones didn't. Stop using this girls abusive past as an excuse to accept excuses.

 

[loveshogun]

Her: Free lunch (she's really REALLY broke and almost homeless)/ a test for myself. I can't be with you if i can't be more assertive. It's not fair to depend on you so much. I know i can do this and be ok

I've been onto pickup stuff since I was 17. I got used to having conversations with lots of girls, no longer being afraid of rejection, and all of that other basic social stuff that most people get into at first.

This was before the focus was on becoming "Me, version 2.0"

When I was 19, I met someone, who at the time, I saw as a great girl. We had great chemistry, loads of fun, and she was really devoted.

But she had some issues. Issues that constantly caused me to tell myself "well, that's why she did ______, and that's why she said ______. It's all because of her being broke/having a bad relationship with her parents/depressed/bulimic/etc etc etc."

The bottom line is that she was weak. Everything was always something else's fault, and because of that, she never did anything about anything. It was always me doing damage control and picking up the pieces.

But the sex was so good (2 to 3 times a day), I didn't leave. That's a whole other issue.

Even worse, as a consummate nice guy (yeah, I'll cop to it), I genuinely (and stupidly) cared for someone who had little to offer me other than emotional (rather than real) comfort - and even that emotional comfort only came around SOMETIMES because I rarely needed it.

Two and half years later, it ended. I won't get into the specifics here, but it was my fault.

She could have cheated, she could have murdered my brother, she could have done anything, for all you guys know.

But the only thing you need to know is the reality: It was my fault.

Because no matter what she did, I could have avoided it all if I paid attention to my gut and ended it when all the problems were revealed.

No matter what you do, you can't "fix" someone. You can only fix yourself.

And that was when the focus was on me. I'd just graduated college, and I had no job, no money, and huge trust issues coming out of my relationship.

My brother, and my dad, kept telling me the same thing:

"Shogun, you need to get a job. Who's gonna take care of you?"

And that's when I realized, it was me. The problem was me. I spent so much time "taking care of other people's problems" that I never stopped to think, "Hey, do I have my priorities straight in my life?"

That summer, I started running every day. I applied for jobs, and learned new skills so I could apply for even more jobs than that. I started writing again, because even though I told myself I wanted to be a published writer, I'd yet to force myself to take the steps to actually do it.

I've been following that path ever since. There have been ups and downs, but I'm seeing that every day, week, month, season, year - the ups outnumber the downs by a little more. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, now, and I'm alone.

And it's because after that sh*tshow that was my first "serious" relationship, I decided I would never be any of the things that caused our relationship to fall apart.

I know what most of you are probably thinking - "Gee, Love Shogun, that's a sh*tty reason to get your priorities straight."

But hey, I did, and look where I am. I don't care of the prize in a crackerjack box is what leads you to the revelation, you just need to have it, and as early as possible in your life as you can.

Anyway, getting my priorities straight meant being independent, emotionally stable, full of hobbies and dreams, and the will to pursue them in the face of adversity. All of this being independent of other people, including my friends, family, and women.

It meant being okay with failing, because I could tell myself "next time, I'll do better," and then I'd actually go and do it.

If I didn't make those changes, I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have a house, I wouldn't have anything - anything that hasn't been given (and could be taken away) by other people.

The key point here, is that your girl seems to be trying to make those changes. When she does, she may come out much better for you. But right now, you can't predict the future, or where her weaknesses will take you.

I'm not going to tell you you should have stepped away from it, because that would have been useful months ago when you weren't attached. Too late to just cut ties.

Now you're close to her, in the thick of it.

What you have to do now, is watch, and listen. Use your eyes. Pay attention to what she DOES and how it makes YOU feel, regardless of how she explains her actions.

She might be sincere in her rationalizations. Some of them might even make sense (not likely for people who are weak of heart - but then, I don't know anything about your girl).

But if you find that her quest to find herself and be independent is at the cost of your sanity, your feelings, your time... how is that fair to you?

You seem like a nice guy, even though I know d*ck about you. But something about this post made me relate, and so I wrote much more about myself than I normally do.

Here's what my brother told me specifically about my relationship - the one that kicked me on the road to awesome:

"Shogun - If you can trust yourself to be a good, caring guy, and you're being good and caring for someone who has nothing to offer you, and you find yourself questioning more and more whether it can work out... it can't work out. The fact that you have to ask so many times, more and more frequently, should be telling you that it can't work out."

Then he told me to "Do what you can, but remember you cannot change her."

That was his advice while I was in the thick of it. His advice for the future was to avoid women who show those weaknesses.

Good luck, because everything that she does - things that are out of your control - are exactly in the realm of luck.

Finally, read this post about my dad, to keep things in perspective:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=178970

 

[JLW]

Quoted for truth. Loveshogun, I relate to this post because I had a VERY similar experience. Almost to a "T".

You are absolutely right.

ThunderMaverick, PLEASE listen to this guy.

 

[thedude4242]

she doesnt not have a problem being assertive with you.

 

[Solomon]

chea

This girl does not have respect for your boundaries.

What you have is an increasing number of guys hovering around your woman like sharks...first the photo guy, then her ex out of nowhere, who's next?

I'd tell her to COOL IT with the guy friends. She already has a man in her life and shouldn't need anymore male attention, especially from men who she's seen naked before

Bingo

I had a X a few years ago, who was a beautiful gal, she had orbiters from my state to Africa to England and back again (no joke, she knew a lot of people). At first I kept mum, but after spending a night with her, and Orbiters calling her as late as midnight and as early as seven o'clock. I had to put the gauntlet down.

I know Jophill will come in this thread and say it more eloquently then I, but to females like her, attention is like a drug, to women period attention is like "crack cocaine". The best thing to do in my opinion is have a talk with her, and when you talk be clam, and try to flip the roles around, how would she feel if you hanging with your ex's etc? I don't know if this will work for you but it worked for me because my Ex acted accordingly (well somewhat) after that. The thing is sometimes women do this as a shyt test as well but with your girl TM it sounds deeper then that (hanging out with abusive exes? mmmh yeah ok)

remember TM never be afraid to walk away brother, it's not a matter of pride it's a matter of respect!

p.s. It's great to see a vet open about something like this, shows that you don't have to be a Noob to through these things, even vets go through these situations