When can a guy show that he is emotionally invested in a woman?

[OnTheWayUp]

Gents,

Have been perusing some manosphere blogs this afternoon as I have a bit of spare time. Came across this very interesting article: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/...o-get-a-relationship/comment-page-3/#comments

I was particularly struck by the following, posted in the comment section (no.354)

"I’ve done the hook up thing for the past 4 years of undergrad and I will be entering profesional school next Sept. I keep running into the same problem, get girl, date girl show interest and she’s gone. Serious advice on what to do? I could be in a relationship where I keep in @sshole mode the entire time but that seems like a very poor way for a relationship to work."


This is a problem that I have been struggling with recently (see in particular this thread http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=189816). I hit it off very well with a girl, have 2-3 dates where we make out, get to 2nd and 3rd base and sometimes even have sex, and then suddenly she vanishes. Short flings are great fun, don't get me wrong, but I'd like to have some relationship experience as well so that I know what I like in a longer-term partner.

This is also an issue that has recurred in quite a few of the first-time posts in the last fortnight, as well as being something that troubles more experienced DJs such as Jariel. See http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190086.

So my questions are these:

At what stage can a guy show that he is emotionally invested in a girl without her backing off? At what stage can we make it clear that we want something longer term, without the girl losing the sense of challenge/ mystery? Apart from seeing other girls and keeping contact minimal, what steps can a man take to reignite interest in someone to whom he has opened up too much?

Discuss.

 

[perseverance]

I don't think a man should show any emotional investment in a woman until they are in a serious relationship that has spanned some months. I find that coming on too strong emotionally to a woman can actually scare them off, that's why I don't do it and remember, lust and infatuation usually felt at the beginning are not serious emotions, so don't start being a puppy dog running around her feet in the beginning. You need to be seen as a stable man that can keep his emotions and feelings under wraps. Overtly emotional men are often weak willed men and are often unstable men, no women in her right mind would want a man like that.

I don't believe you raise can or lower interest levels in women (intentionally) and remember not all women are the same. What works with one woman might not work with another woman which is what generic advice on this forum and the sweeping generalisations which are all too prominent on here fail to take into account. If you find you have been to emotionally open with a woman early on, I suggest putting her on the backburner, learning from your mistakes and moving on.

When wanting a girl to be your girlfriend you need to make it abundantly clear that's what you want. If a girl likes you enough, she'll want the same thing and it is as easy as pie or you can do what my friend did. He brought the girl he was seeing to a friends gathering and introduced us to her as his girlfriend and low and behold they were together shortly afterwards and have been ever since.

You need to learn to take this site as a guideline, not as gospel. Go with your gut instinct and do what you feel is the right thing to do and if you pull it off, then fantastic and if you don't try and see where you went wrong and ensure it doesn't happen again. Simples.

 

[Desdinova]

At what stage can a guy show that he is emotionally invested in a girl without her backing off?

She must show it first, and you reciprocate. Never tell her you miss her unless she initiates it. Never tell her you care about her unless she says it first. If you feel the desire to show her you care and miss her, do it with your actions when you see her again. She'll get the message loud and clear.

At what stage can we make it clear that we want something longer term, without the girl losing the sense of challenge/ mystery?

The challenge/mystery part of attraction is drastically overrated. These are elements which will only improve a woman's interest; they are NOT the sole foundation of her interest.

A woman's neediness will make her take action to keep you around. She needs to have a slight fear of losing you to want something more serious. If you provide her with fun, excitement and emotional fluctuation, she'll want you to stay. In other words, SHE has to be the one wanting the commitment. When she gets to this point, she will let you know. Until then, keep spinning plates.

Apart from seeing other girls and keeping contact minimal, what steps can a man take to reignite interest in someone to whom he has opened up too much?

If you've opened up too much, pull back your attention toward her. You may be able to save it, you may not. This is why you let the woman indicate where she's at with her interest toward you before you make anything official. Bring up LTR talk too early and she'll back off.

 

[st_99]

I find this topic kind of interesting. I think we can all agree that
its not the right thing to do nor is it in your best interst to show
emotional investment early on.

So having said that, if that truly is the wrong thing to be doing doesn't
that mean there is something inherintly wrong with a guy that is doing that?

Because if perfectly mentally healthy adult males should be doing normal things, like NOT
showing emotion early on wouldn't it be fair to say that if you ARE doing that then you probably
are NOT a mentally healthy adult male.?

Just a thought and some theoretical bullsh*t to ponder.

 

[Lord Sidious]

Well, I can speak for myself. When I have no feelings for the girl, I´m relentless. However, I have three problems:

1 - I´m kinda of prone to get emotionally involved for the wrong type of women;

2 - I´m kinda of prone to get emotionally involved for the wrong type of women;

and

3 - I´m kinda of prone to get emotionally involved for the wrong type of women.


So, I do whatever I can to control myself when I´m facing these kind of situations. However, somehow I feel that this sort of "do whatever you can to hide you feelings away" may be harming my hability of having a LTR in the future.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

She must show it first, and you reciprocate. Never tell her you care about her unless she says it first.

A woman's neediness will make her take action to keep you around. She needs to have a slight fear of losing you to want something more serious. If you provide her with fun, excitement and emotional fluctuation, she'll want you to stay. In other words, SHE has to be the one wanting the commitment. When she gets to this point, she will let you know. Until then, keep spinning plates.

If you've opened up too much, pull back your attention toward her. You may be able to save it, you may not. Bring up LTR talk too early and she'll back off.

I don't think a man should show any emotional investment in a woman until they are in a serious relationship that has spanned some months. I find that coming on too strong emotionally to a woman can actually scare them off.

When wanting a girl to be your girlfriend you need to make it abundantly clear that's what you want. If a girl likes you enough, she'll want the same thing and it is as easy as pie or you can do what my friend did. He brought the girl he was seeing to a friends gathering and introduced us to her as his girlfriend and low and behold they were together shortly afterwards and have been ever since.

This is all very good advice, thanks for the help. However... none of it is new to me, and this was exactly the mindset and action template that I used for the last girl who dumped me. She initiated relationship talk, I reciprocated. She initiated "I like you" talk, I reciprocated. In both cases, I waited a little time till I was as sure as as I could be that she liked me (ie for her to verbalise her feelings and her discomfort with me seeing other girls twice) before reciprocating. Nevertheless, my reciprocation (combined with her failing her uni courses and her sister having health problems) drove her away. My response has, again, been textbook: no contact and other girls.

Why did this happen? I appreciate that your advice is a general set of guidelines rather than a fixed rulebook, but I really don't think I deviated from the "DJ path" at all. What sort of girl would these guidelines not work on, I wonder? Am I pursuing LTRs with the wrong type of girl?

 

[Desdinova]

Nevertheless, my reciprocation (combined with her failing her uni courses and her sister having health problems) drove her away. My response has, again, been textbook: no contact and other girls.

None of this has anything to do with you. If she told you this, then it's a cover-up for her losing her attraction toward you. If you came to this conclusion on your own, then you're looking in the wrong area for the source of the problem.

Women will cut you out of their lives when you become uninteresting and/or a more interesting prospect comes along. Perhaps you may want to look at yourself and figure out what you could improve about your personality that would make you a more interesting person not only to women, but to everyone you come in contact with.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

None of this has anything to do with you. If she told you this, then it's a cover-up for her losing her attraction toward you. If you came to this conclusion on your own, then you're looking in the wrong area for the source of the problem.

If this is true, that's fascinating. A girl can go from as good as telling me she wants me to make her my gf one day, and then flake and ignore my messages/ calls as soon as 3 days later. It's mindblowing that their interest level can change so fast.

I wonder what I did wrong. I'm racking my brains... nothing really comes to mind. Perhaps it was another guy who suddenly came into the picture? She's a very attractive girl, and although she verbally objects to seeing more than one person at once, I'm sure (as with all things women-related) she would drop her principles in a flash if the right guy appeared.

Maybe it was because I didn't commit to her immediately on her terms? There are plenty of guys around who would do that.

I'd like to know what I did wrong... but at the same time I recognise that there's very little I can do besides move on, wait for her to contact me (but not expect anything) and see my other girl. It's a shame though, she was cool.

 

[zekko]

If this is true, that's fascinating. A girl can go from as good as telling me she wants me to make her my gf one day, and then flake and ignore my messages/ calls as soon as 3 days later. It's mindblowing that their interest level can change so fast.

It's true though.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. Not every two people are going to match up long term. Not every couple is going to end up together forever. Sometimes one person is into it and the other one isn't. It can't be avoided, no matter how "alpha" you act. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Maybe it's just the way she is.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

It's true though.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. Not every two people are going to match up long term. Not every couple is going to end up together forever. Sometimes one person is into it and the other one isn't. It can't be avoided, no matter how "alpha" you act. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Maybe it's just the way she is.

Thanks for the support dude, I love how this place gives you perspective whenever you're down.

For whatever reason, she's obviously lost interest. I really don't think I did anything wrong, so I'm going to chalk it up to her personality just being hot and cold. I've just sent her a brief message to say that hot and cold girls are not cool, and that I'm moving on. I didn't use precisely those words, but that's what she will take from it. Apparently she wasn't the girl I thought she was. If she still likes me, I expect a response in the next few days. If not, at least I've had the last word and put her in her place, which makes me feel a lot better than the limbo of the last few days.