Verbal Combat : How to handle hurtful remarks given by others to bring us down?

[IntermediateDonJuaner]

I hate it but it always happen to me. So what can I do to verbally defend myself in verbal combat? You see, when your boss,kids,wives and etc chews you off, all the kicks and punches we learn in physical self-defense become useless. That is why verbal self defense is needed.

So how do I cope with people's sarcastic remarks that are given to hurt my feelings or to bring me down in front of others? I hate it cause I am always being put down in front of other girls and I wanted to give them a piece of their own medicine,but how?

I do not wish to explain this long but just don't ask me who are they cause to explain that, it will need 4 more paragraphs.

I will give you an example of how they put me down :

T.A = The Attacker
IDJ = IntermediateDonJuaner

T.A : So how's it going with the girl you're after?

IDJ : Good.

T.A : Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the girl.

IDJ : Why do you think so?

T.A : The girl is popular and how is she supppose to like a person like you?

IDJ : Very well, if I failed, then I will move on.

T.A : What's the point,IDJ!? Every girl is too good for you.

At this point, everyone looked at me and I felt bad and a little humiliated.....but here's the remaining part of the conversation :

IDJ : I doubt it. Things can changed.

T.A : IDJ, if you need my help,let me know. I will recommend other girls for you. I know one chick who would probably be suitable for you. Both of you will be a very compatible match.

At this point, he showed me the photo of a fat girl. And the conversation continues ...
This time, I tried to hit him back.

IDJ : That is your ex-gf?

T.A : She never had a bf. Seriously IDJ, you should consider asking her out sometimes.

If I am going to continue writing , it will take hours. Guys, I have given you an example of how I am being brought down in front of others. How can I save my good reputation from drowning? How do I defend myself verbally?

 

[TheLadiesMan]

Have some confidence dude.... if his ass said that sh*t to me, I'd say, 'YOU, are a clown. Why would I be taking advise from a guy who obviously wouldn't know what to do with a real woman. I'll tell you what, just because you are a dumba$$, I will demostrate my Big Daddyness to you by f*cking your sister (since you really don't have a g/f NOTE: if he has a g/f insert g/f instead of sister) Now take you and that ugly ass picture of your g/f out of my sight.. you have been dissmissed... you are scaring off the babes, be gone.'

-TLM

 

[mistyc]

And don't give him ammunition to continue the abuse!

T.A : Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the girl.

IDJ : Why do you think so?

this just gives him reason to continue abusing you and saying whatever he wants. Try to put the focus back on him. How? Not sure right now, nothing's popping in my mind.

 

[SeekingChange]

This will work most of the time:

TA: So how's it going wiht the girl you're after?

IDJ: (ignores and keeps doing what he's doing without showing any signs of being affected -- this loser is a pest of no value)

But occasionally the pest persists:

TA: (for a bout the third time, after following IDJ around like glue) I asked you a question, chump! How's it going with the girl you're after?

IDJ: How's it going with the guy you're after?

Game. Set. Match!

[This message has been edited by SeekingChange (edited 07-07-2002).]

 

[Anubi]

the parts i'm adding in are in bold...

T.A = The Attacker
IDJ = IntermediateDonJuaner

T.A : So how's it going with the girl you're after?

IDJ : Good. Hows it going with your b/f?

T.A : Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the girl.

IDJ : (there are so many come backs to this...) yeh, well i can always slack off and bang your mum... again.

T.A : The girl is popular and how is she supppose to like a person like you?

IDJ : The same way other girls do OR the same way your mum tells me she loves me every nite

T.A : What's the point,IDJ!? Every girl is too good for you.

IDJ : maybe i should follow in your footsteps and start hitting on guys

T.A : IDJ, if you need my help,let me know. I will recommend other girls for you. I know one chick who would probably be suitable for you. Both of you will be a very compatible match.

IDJ : That is your ex-gf? - nice touch

 

[PlayerinTraining]

Originally posted by IntermediateDonJuaner:

I will give you an example of how they put me down :

T.A = The Attacker
IDJ = IntermediateDonJuaner

T.A : So how's it going with the girl you're after?

IDJ : Good.

(I'd say "Just fine. Why do you need to know?" I get the impression this jerk gives you a hard time. So if he talks to you, it can't be for a good reason.)

T.A : Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the girl.

(I think if you stopped worrying about me so much, maybe YOUR social life would be better. You can't have that much going on if you are standing here, trying to piss me off.)

[At this point, you put out in the open this guy has nothing better to do than to give you a hard time. If he keeps digging at you, he is trying to start a fight. Just get out of there if you can, or beat his a$$ if you must.]

IDJ : Why do you think so?

(Don't ask that, unless you have a sharp comeback).

T.A : The girl is popular and how is she supppose to like a person like you?

IDJ : Very well, if I failed, then I will move on.

(Weak. Better would have been: "I have something she wants, and that's something you obviously don't have.

You know, I sees that you are jealous of me. There isn't any need for that--I'm sure you can find some Jerry Springer reject to go out with you. Just do us all a favor and don't have kids, ok?")

T.A : What's the point,IDJ!? Every girl is too good for you.

(I'd say "Hey, where the hell did that come from? Why are you so damn jealous of me?

Wait, I can understand, I'm dating a hot and popular girl--you aren't. I'm smart, good looking, and fun to hang out with. You aren't. You know, your jealousy is entirely justified. If I were a loser like you, I'd be jealous of me too."

After that, the best he could come up with is lame name calling, which you can ignore. You already showed him up BIG TIME, and he can walk away with his tail between his legs.)

 

[DiamondMind]

What I find works best is just giving the person a look like they are the stupidest person on Earth and follow up with something like "What are you, still in Grade 6?", or, "Talk to me when you have something rational/worthwhile/intelligent to say."

Shake you head, go "Wow", and move along.

The point is to make that person look small and shallow instead of the other way around. They start it; your just stopping it, so don't worry about using their inadequacies (sp?) against them.

You take back control, and if anyone else is around to hear this you look good, they look like a dolt, happy day.

But never let that person get to you at all. And, as mentioned above, don't give them ammo.

There are just a lot of people out there who will try to bring you down if you are successfull in any field or endeavour, and I find you must learn to handle these immature, jealous freaks.

Act amused, or detached, and simply consider that a person who likes verbal attacks, etc. is really a lower form of human being. Look at them like Mr. Spock would look at a 'curious life form', or when he was asked something 'really stupid'.

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

[This message has been edited by DiamondMind (edited 07-07-2002).]

[This message has been edited by DiamondMind (edited 07-07-2002).]

 

[DiamondMind]

And, only YOU can allow someone else 'get to you'.

So, do not allow that in your life anymore.

 

[DocFrankeinstein]

When I get a fool like this who is trying to bug me I just walk past and dont give him a smallest piece of attention. He's not worth it. Period.

It works like magic. I get only one remark and then the ATTACKER DOESNT WANT TO CONTINUE, cause its no fun with me. I dont give him any fuel. He starts feeling like an idiot and stops.

Cheers

------------------
If you take love as a crazy gamble
Throw your dice, take your chance
You will see it from a different angle
And you two can join the dance

 

[AnotherRookie]

Pick better people to hang with. Sounds like you'd be better off alone than with a support group like that.

Conflict is easiest to resolve by simply avoiding it. People who "ATTACK" are to be avoided. They bring bad karma and negative thinking. Look at you now... instead of being happy about learning how to pursue woman succesfully, you're preoccupied with some dumbphuck who obviously has your failure as his goal.

As for what to say 'next' time, I like DiamondMind's approach.

AR

 

[DocFrankeinstein]

Oh - and if you want to counter attack him, then compare him to an average person. Notice something - anything: a piece of clothing, posture, his accent. Then make fun of it.

 

[SexPDX]

IDJ, the most effective way is not to reduce yourself to their level of pettiness. Don't worry so much about insulting them so much as undermining their efforts to put you down in such a way that it calls attention to how stupid they are being. Like this...

T.A. : The girl is popular and how is she supppose to like a person like you?

IDJ : Thank you for your thoughts, fortunately that opinion is in the minority and will be dismissed as frivolous and inconsequential.

T.A. : What's the point,IDJ!? Every girl is too good for you.

IDJ : Your struggle to insult does not make you look good.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Nick

------------------
- The seductionist formerly known as trickynick

You either own the game or it owns you.

~"Pon atencion al latido de tu corazon...y el ritmo de tu respiracion...como te permites llegar a ser completamente llevada...por la conexion que esta tomando lugar." ~

[This message has been edited by SexPDX (edited 07-07-2002).]

 

[DiamondMind]

Also, if more people are trying to 'take you down', your doing something right! Losers like that 'fear' winners bwhahahahah!

SexPDX (above) also nails the 'essence' of what should be done to diffuse a situation perfectly.



[This message has been edited by DiamondMind (edited 07-07-2002).]

 

[shagfeeshron]

{{{INSULTS ARE AWESOME!}}}

you know why?? because..

ANYONE who insults- no matter how successful or good-lookin, etc. they are- INSULT because of JEALOUSY.

obviously a successful person isn't jealous of your success (unless more successful maybe), but maybe your easygoing attitude, or great personality, etc...

I'll try to cut this short.. If someone insults you, TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!!

I used to have a huge problem with people sayin crap to me and now if feels so good just to know that they're jealous of me hahaha.. so just play it cool and shrug it off..

And if you want to say something back, cool.. cuz A LOT of these suggestions sound pretty good

------------------
~¤ Ron Juan ¤~
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Yo baby
Yo baby
Yo

 

[Kane]

shagfeeshron beat me to the punch. He is right. Don't treat the remark as an insult. Treat it as a compliment, as genuine concern or even as a joke.

T.A = The Attacker
IDJ = IntermediateDonJuaner

T.A: So how's it going with the girl you're after?

Taken as Compliment(TAC): Goood! Thanks!
Taken as genuineconcern(TAG): Good thanks? Why?
Taken as joke(TAJ): (Laugh) Good! Thanks!

T.A: Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the girl.

Taken as Compliment (TAC): (Taken as a compliment, you’ll have to mentally believe the comment stated was a sarcastic / joke compliment) (laugh)
Taken as genuine concern (TAG): Hey…. T.A., it’s ok. Don’t worry about me ok? It’s alright. I need to do this (or I know what I’m doing)
Taken as joke (TAJ): (laugh) But the girl can always get me!

T.A: The girl is popular and how is she suppose to like a person like you?

Taken as Compliment (TAC): (Laugh) (smile)
Taken as genuine concern (TAG): Hey…. T.A., it’s ok. Don’t worry about me ok? It’s alright. I need to do this (or I know what I’m doing)
Taken as joke (TAJ): It’s all about the motion of the ocean baby!(Laugh) (smile)

T.A: What's the point,IDJ!? Every girl is too good for you.

Taken as Compliment (TAC): (Laugh) (smile)
Taken as genuine concern (TAG): Hey…. T.A., it’s ok. Don’t worry about me ok? It’s alright. I need to do this (or I know what I’m doing)
Taken as joke (TAJ): (Laugh) (smile)

T.A: IDJ, if you need my help,let me know. I will recommend other girls for you. I know one chick who would probably be suitable for you. Both of you will be a very compatible match.

Taken as Compliment (TAC): Thanks T.A. You’ll be first on my list! (laugh)
Taken as genuine concern (TAG): Hey…. T.A. If you need my help… I’ll be there for you too.
Taken as joke (TAJ): (Laugh) I’ll remember that, next time I’m drowning / chocking / looking for a hooker / whatever. (smile)

T.A: She never had a bf. Seriously IDJ, you should consider asking her out sometimes.

Taken as Compliment (TAC): Thanks T.A. I’ll consider it(laugh)
Taken as genuine concern (TAG): Thanks T.A I’ll consider it.
Taken as joke (TAJ): (Laugh) Next time I wanna ride an elephant(smile)
Taken as minor insult(Ok, I just had to add at least one jab back): You seem to think highly of her, why don’t YOU go out with her? (Proceed to question him finding out just what is wrong with her). Your answer for not going with her will be the same as his.

Hope this helps
Kane

 

[DocFrankeinstein]

Originally posted by shagfeeshron:
{{{INSULTS ARE AWESOME!}}}
ANYONE who insults- no matter how successful or good-lookin, etc. they are- INSULT because of JEALOUSY.

Brilliant

"Nobody bites the dead dog"



------------------
If you take love as a crazy gamble
Throw your dice, take your chance
You will see it from a different angle
And you two can join the dance

 

[IntermediateDonJuaner]

Thanks guys

IDJ weeping here.

I am never good in insults cause I always try to avoid it. Unfortunately, these idiots always attempt to insult me when they get the opportunity. And it's sad to say that each time they do it, they did it successfully.

I have tried to show INDIFFERENCE but it failed. He keeps on bringing me down in front of others and the audience see it as something funny and laughed.

I even read Oscar's Bruce book about how to handle insults but each time before I can utter a single word, he shut me up first. He seems to be faster than me in anyway.

Here's my story of how this starts up. I worked in the same organization with T.A 2 years ago and it seems like he doesnt like me much compare to others. I do now know why but I failed to find out the reasons.

For your information, T.A is my superior and this makes things worst for me. During the 2 years period in the organization, he has been giving me a hard time with my job. I've been given cynical remarks about my job performance despite I have done very well.

He even put me down by saying I am the worst employee ALTHOUGH I AM MUCH MORE BETTER THAN THAT. He complains I never come early for work and I am lazy...but that is never true. I arrived early to work and he even sees that as well. Yet he gives me a hard time. There was once when I was in his office and he has given me a bunch of stuffs to do.

I told him it's impossible for me to handle it all alone but he said "I'm the boss here. If I ask you to sit, you have to. And if I asked you to stand, you have to do it too"

Well, I have resigned from the company later and took up another job. Unfortunately, I still see this guy always cause I am working in the computer field. And as you know, if you're in the same field, you will bump into each other no matter how.

So here's how it has been going for me. Since I am gone, he can no longer do anything to me. And now, each time he sees me, he keeps on giving me a hard time. Insults and comments given by him were so FU#KING irritating. I hate it.

And here's what he said this morning to me :

T.A : Hey IDJ, who's the girl in the car with you?

IDJ : A friend of mine. Why?

T.A : I am just curious to know which nightclub is she from.

I try to pretend dumb here and see what he is going to do.

IDJ : What is a nightclub?

T.A : Oh my god, you don't know what a nightclub is? You must be a virgin.

I am trying to stray away from the topic here at this point but this is what happens. It turns out to be a bragging competition.

IDJ : Maybe....So how long are you going to be with the old organization?

T.A : They gave me a salary raise so I am not leaving.

IDJ : How much did they give you?

T.A : I get a little bit more than you

IDJ : I've been given a raise too recently. The pay is good. And I also invested in the share market and earn some money.

T.A : The share markey is active now and anyone who invested in it will profit.

IDJ : True. True....

T.A : So,how much did you spend for the girl? I hoped she hasn't dry up your bank account yet.

IDJ : She isn't like your girl.

T.A : Indeed.

Oh guys, this guy seems to know his sh|t. He is an excellent attacker. I am asking you guys honestly here, what should I do to get rid of him once and for all. Anyway,are there any books which you can recommend for me in order to improve my skills in verbal self defense?

 

[BWSL]

What a prick! Well, I have to go with the mob on this one. When talking to him, just act like he does. Put yourself into his shoes. Be a bigger prick than him. You're an easy target, so he won't be expecting it.

T.A : Hey IDJ, who's the girl in the car with you?

IDJ : A friend of mine. Why?

T.A : I am just curious to know which nightclub is she from.

What you should say: Hey, show some respect for the lady. Oh, nevermind, I guess you don't know how to act around women. My mistake.

Note-He'll probably say "But I deal with you all the time." Respond with "Hey, when did you graduate 6th grade? Oh, never? It shows."

T.A : Oh my god, you don't know what a nightclub is? You must be a virgin.

What you should say: Nah, I'm no virgin. Your sister took care of that for me.

(Notice, I try to use "sister" instead of mother because everyone says "yo momma")

T.A : They gave me a salary raise so I am not leaving.

IDJ : How much did they give you?

T.A : I get a little bit more than you

What you should say: Oh, I didn't realize janitorial work was so lucrative these days.
OR, How do you know how much I make? You stalkin me buddy?

Now, at any point, feel free to use "How long did it take you to think that one up?" or something like that. Show that he spends all his time being a prick while you're busy being a man.

(Warning: Past this point is non-verbal defense)

I do think this situation calls for a little sugar in the gas tank. Or a whole bag.

Or, be like the mafia, and put a dead horse head in his bed.

P.S. If you do pull a prank like that (which I would do, seriously) and he accuses you, just ask him why he would suspect you. he'll probably try to insult you. Just say that if he treats everyone the way he treats you, he'll probably have a number of suspects. You get idea?

 

[Kane]

I have several tactics for you to try.

First, Give me his address and I’ll kick his teeth in. He’ll be funnier with a toothy accent when he tries to talks to you. Or,

Second, Don’t play his game. I’ve dealt with his kind before. See, he will think of how to set people up and then mash them. He’ll set you up with a question and no matter how you answer it he’ll try to insult you. So take a breathe, redirect his question this can usually done by asking him back the same question. (redirection) or,

Third. Answer him with an insult. Just take a breath and think of a good insult before answering him. It’s best, I think to use his mom or girlfriend. I prefer mom myself.(insulting answer)

Example:
T.A : Hey IDJ, who's the girl in the car with you? (right here he is setting you up for yet another insult). Any question asked is a set up. I hate jerkoffs like this. Any question you ask he’ll give you an insulting answer.

IDJ : A friend of mine. Why? (don’t give him opportunities) don’t ask him why (even though I said so earlier for “treat as if true concern”). Don’t play his game. Think about it no matter how you answer (even if you try to answer with an insult) he can return with “I’m curious to know…”.

In my opinion, the best ways to answer using these techniques.

IDJ(Redirection): Who was the girl in YOUR car?
IDJ(Insulting Answer): Your mom or Your Girlfriend!

T.A : I am just curious to know which nightclub is she from. (trying to make you feel insecure about losing your HB) Even if you said the answers above he can still make this remark.

I try to pretend dumb here and see what he is going to do. Don’t pretend dumb with this guy. You know he has something up his sleeve. Don’t let him pop out his gun.

IDJ : What is a nightclub? you used redirection but he used it against you. You sorta set yourself up. Use your redirections to set HIM up. Let him be careful for a change.

Redirection: What night clubs do you go to? Whatever he answers say “It’s not that one”
Insulting Answer: The same one your mom goes to or I don’t think they’d let you into her club.

T.A: Oh my god, you don't know what a nightclub is? You must be a virgin. He’ll use every opportunity to step on you don’t let him.

Redirection: Do you know what a REAL night club is? Whatever he answers say “I guess not”, “I didn’t think so” , “wrong!”
Insulting Answer: No I don’t know what a night club is, your mom usually takes me to her bedroom or your girlfriend usually blows me in my car.

IDJ : Maybe....So how long are you going to be with the old organization?
Redirection, but not much of a set up. But at least it continually changes the subject. He’ll have to stay on his toes.

T.A : They gave me a salary raise so I am not leaving. Right here he’s probably thinking of his next set up.

IDJ : How much did they give you? Unless you have an insult up your sleeve don’t let him brag about himself.
T.A : I get a little bit more than you

IDJ : I've been given a raise too recently. The pay is good. And I also invested in the share market and earn some money. Ok, you’ve matched him. Don’t give him any factual information about yourself. Not too bad a reply and notice he isn’t asking you a question.

T.A : The share markey is active now and anyone who invested in it will profit. I think he’s just trying to stall he’s trying to come up with another insult.

IDJ : True. True.... Not to bad an answer. But you didn’t have to agree with him.

T.A : So,how much did you spend for the girl? I hoped she hasn't dry up your bank account yet. He’s trying to set you up again

IDJ : She isn't like your girl.(insulting answer) Not too bad.
IDJ(Redirection): Hmmm.. I can’t remember. How much do you spend for your girl?
IDJ(Insulting Answer): Hmmm I can’t remember. How much does your mom charge again?

T.A : Indeed. Probably didn’t expect your answer. Or he said “indeed” as some kind of weak insult.

So, to summarize, take a breath you don’t have to answer right away. But, if you do have a good zinger say it. Remember, don’t answer any question directly. Either ask his same question back to set him up for give him an insulting answer involving either his mom or gf.

Hope this helps
Kane



[This message has been edited by Kane (edited 07-08-2002).]

 

[RKTek]

"I refuse to do mental combat with someone who is unarmed"

Whenever someone even looks like he or she is about to jump in my sh*t, I just mentally switch off and stop listening. I sometimes just look them in the eye and either say nothing or "You might be right" or some other useless fluff.

Sometimes I might even rise a bit more and say "I've heard worse...from people who mean more to me". But usually I treat someone trying to get to me like a barking dog.

No one has the right to get to me without my permission.