The reason why being yourself doesn't work.

[Konada]

I reflected on this quite recently and I came to a realization that this world is indeed a self absorbed, cruel world.

Let us begin by distinguishing between the two types of nice guys.

THE 'NICE' GUY

Ah the infamous nice guy we always talk about. Guys like this do nice things to win favours of others, going out of their way to help others. For example, cancelling plans to help a girl of interest to choose what shoes to wear. Usually guys like this are kept around for all the wrong reasons.

THE GENUINE NICE GUY

The type of dude who is nice to everyone out of goodwill. Does his best to help others when they need help. Not selfish but selfless. Knows when to say no to requests if they interfere too much with his life. Generally well-liked by others but again for all the wrong reasons.

So which nice guy are you? IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because there is no room for kindness in this world! Everyone you know, every single fvcking being you know (except your family) is acknowleging your presence because of personal gain. Why do you think people be friends with nice dudes? Because they stand to gain. It is an inherent desire in us to seek pragmatism. In you, in me, in all of us. You may think that being nice because you are shows people you're confident in yourself and what not. The reality is they don't give a flying fvck about you, they look at what you can OFFER them.

I was recently down in the dumps, guess what? Nobody helped me, I was alone. I thought that being a true man for others would allow me to cut through all the shallow people. (I reject when I sense people are taking advantage of me). But I was wrong. Nobody gives a fvck whether you're being kind out of goodwill or out of other reasons. The only thing they want from you is YOUR HELP. YOU ARE A TOOL TO THEM. I'm sorry but this is life for me, I may be the decently popular guy, but nobody gives a fvck when I'm down in the dumps. Its a cruel world out there, your kindness will never be remembered but only beseeched upon in times of need.

Same goes for social proof and whatever. People get attracted to this because they stand to gain from acknowledging your presence. Why do you think girls go screaming over Justin Bieber. Because it gives them value to have seen him personally. Why do you think hobos are one of the most neglected beings on the earth? Because nobody stands to gain anything acknowledging them.

There is no point being nice in this selfish world. Like it or not, its you against the world.

 

[pdx1138]

Konada, you're only 18 man.

Negative thinking like that will get you nowhere fast.

There's a lot of decent people in the world.

We all have our dark moments, but I refuse to allow that to dictate my look on the world.

You will see the world in a different way when your 30.

When I was 18 I was angry too.

 

[Konada]

I'm sorry but I don't see myself being able to rely on anyone for support in my times of need other than myself. I am fairly popular, but all of that just vanished once I got down. Once a person who was always sharing laughs with others and bringing relief out of goodwill, became a unknown entity who was sitting alone by himself eating his food while the others were enjoying themselves infront of him.

 

[garruk]

Konada, you're only 18 man.

Negative thinking like that will get you nowhere fast.

There's a lot of decent people in the world.

We all have our dark moments, but I refuse to allow that to dictate my look on the world.

You will see the world in a different way when your 30.

When I was 18 I was angry too.

truth buddy. you'll be surprised how quickly your thoughts on the world change when youre young.

 

[zekko]

Everyone you know, every single fvcking being you know (except your family) is acknowleging your presence because of personal gain. Why do you think people be friends with nice dudes? Because they stand to gain. It is an inherent desire in us to seek pragmatism. In you, in me, in all of us. You may think that being nice because you are shows people you're confident in yourself and what not. The reality is they don't give a flying fvck about you, they look at what you can OFFER them.

Let's just say you're correct, that people will only care about you based on what you can do for them. What are you going to do about it?

One of the things they tell you here is to be able to offer social proof (I don't really think it's necessary but whatever). If you decide to become the jerk @sshole who is going to want to hang around with you? How are you going to make friends and be popular? If what you say is true, if you never do anything for anyone, who's going to want to be around you?

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I'd say I'm genuinely a nice guy.. But I am not the "nice guy". I know when to say "no" and I know when I need to throw a punch. I'm not nice out of expectation for return favors. I do it because I care about the people I surround myself with and I enjoy helping them.

Seeing the world as a cruel cold place is an example for letting the external elements of reality into your internal perception of reality. Try and see things from a more positive light and you will be a lot happier. Everything in nature has its positive and negative.

A few examples..

A guy jumps you and steals your wallet containing your credit cards, ID, and some cash.. You could say...

"Wow! Fvck him what a scumfvck If I had a gun I would've shot the guy! What a sh1tty day!"

Or..

"Well this is a pretty sh1tty situation, but I learned not to walk through this area again and now I know to watch my back and be more careful.. I'm going to warn friends and/or family and contact local police and suggest that they patrol the area more heavily so something like this doesn't happen again to someone else"


Your girlfriend calls you late at night and she's crying, she tells you that she's been sleeping with your best friend for the last year pretty frequently and that she no longer loves you. You could say...

"Wow! I can't believe my best friend would fvcking do that to me! What a piece of sh1t! I would never do that to him. I hope ____ and ____ fvcking die alone and rot in hell. This world is cold and dead."

Or..

"Well I'm pretty sad about this, but I'm glad this ended. My best friend's decision does not affect me because if my girlfriend truly did love me, then she would not have made the decision to sleep with my best friend. My best friend pursued her, but all guys do that kind of stuff to each other so why sweat it. Now I have the opportunity to find the special girl who truly loves me on the same level as me for her. Hopefully things work out for my best friend and my ex girlfriend."

If you stop seeing the world in such a negative light, things will turn positive for you Konada. You're still young, and by joining this board you are totally on the correct path toward personal and emotional enlightenment. Just remember. Your brain perceives all that is reality with the tool of your eyes as a lens. You have the power to make your own reality with any given environment.

Best of luck man. Don't let the world get you down!

 

[Konada]

Let's just say you're correct, that people will only care about you based on what you can do for them. What are you going to do about it?

One of the things they tell you here is to be able to offer social proof (I don't really think it's necessary but whatever). If you decide to become the jerk @sshole who is going to want to hang around with you? How are you going to make friends and be popular? If what you say is true, if you never do anything for anyone, who's going to want to be around you?

Thats why I'm feeling so frustrated about. On the surface it may seem like you're having everything going on with your life, people like you for who you are. But in reality you're just being made used of. It's very frustrating to see that the only way to be good with people is to advertise what you can offer to them. It's written all over the book of 'How to make friends and influence people'. Every single chapter focuses on what use you are of to ohers, be it attention, resources, work.

 

[J Roc]

there is a difference between being a nice guy and being a good guy

 

[Konada]

I'd say I'm genuinely a nice guy.. But I am not the "nice guy". I know when to say "no" and I know when I need to throw a punch. I'm not nice out of expectation for return favors. I do it because I care about the people I surround myself with and I enjoy helping them.

Seeing the world as a cruel cold place is an example for letting the external elements of reality into your internal perception of reality. Try and see things from a more positive light and you will be a lot happier. Everything in nature has its positive and negative.

A few examples..

A guy jumps you and steals your wallet containing your credit cards, ID, and some cash.. You could say...

"Wow! Fvck him what a scumfvck If I had a gun I would've shot the guy! What a sh1tty day!"

Or..

"Well this is a pretty sh1tty situation, but I learned not to walk through this area again and now I know to watch my back and be more careful.. I'm going to warn friends and/or family and contact local police and suggest that they patrol the area more heavily so something like this doesn't happen again to someone else"


Your girlfriend calls you late at night and she's crying, she tells you that she's been sleeping with your best friend for the last year pretty frequently and that she no longer loves you. You could say...

"Wow! I can't believe my best friend would fvcking do that to me! What a piece of sh1t! I would never do that to him. I hope ____ and ____ fvcking die alone and rot in hell. This world is cold and dead."

Or..

"Well I'm pretty sad about this, but I'm glad this ended. My best friend's decision does not affect me because if my girlfriend truly did love me, then she would not have made the decision to sleep with my best friend. My best friend pursued her, but all guys do that kind of stuff to each other so why sweat it. Now I have the opportunity to find the special girl who truly loves me on the same level as me for her. Hopefully things work out for my best friend and my ex girlfriend."

If you stop seeing the world in such a negative light, things will turn positive for you Konada. You're still young, and by joining this board you are totally on the correct path toward personal and emotional enlightenment. Just remember. Your brain perceives all that is reality with the tool of your eyes as a lens. You have the power to make your own reality with any given environment.

Best of luck man. Don't let the world get you down!

Thanks for the well thought out post but it's not about self esteem issues. I don't give a fvck what others think about me but I believe that it is in all of us that we desire to seek some attention. We are social creatures after all.

It pains for me to see that good people are constantly being made use of by scumbags in this world. I'm sorry but the examples you just quoted have essence of pragmatism written all over it. The guy mugged you because you can provide him money. The girl slept with your best friend because what he offered was better than you. The world today is devoid of morals and brimming with self absorption.

I don't know when I can start seeing things in a positive light when reality is shouting to me that I'm just a tool to people.

 

[f283000]

Being yourself works, being a nice guy works....IF YOU HAVE VALUE!

Women will not have secks with you just because you are a great human being. However, if you add that trait to a complete package you will become a highly desirable man.

I was born with nice guy looks with the heart to match. It's in my life path number that i truly care for others and put others first before myself I can't help it. I can't help that above average hot women will ignore me at first because of that and me not fitting the bad boy image.

In order to combat that I show them that I am a high value male and at a higher value then they are. I mention I take salsa lessons, toastmasters, martial arts, pranic healing, meditation, play golf etc.

I am no longer a nice guy to them I am a guy with a busy lifestyle, full of interesting hobbies and skills which is A MAN OF VALUE. A genuine nice guy with value is no longer a nice guy he is now a "keeper."

Unfortunately the vagina is so over-valued that you need to raise your value to levels that you didn't need to in the past in order to attract highly desirable women.

BTW all my hobbies I did not take up because of women I do them for myself and to improve myself. But doing them has greatly helped me raise my value in the eyes of women.

Don't be just another nice guy. Be a nice guy with value.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Being yourself is proberbly the best advice your mom gave you.

 

[Domo_Arigatoo]

Konada, you're putting your view of the world upon others.

I'm sure you aren't implying that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the billions of people on this planet are selfish and only looking to other people for personal gain...?

I guarantee that if you change your mind and don't become one of these people you talk about, you'll become the statistic that works against your assumptions... And i guarantee that you'll start viewing the world as a better place and see the goodness in others.

Of course everyone has bad in them, but they also have greatness, it's up to you to choose which to focus on.

 

[Konada]

Konada, you're putting your view of the world upon others.

I'm sure you aren't implying that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the billions of people on this planet are selfish and only looking to other people for personal gain...?

I guarantee that if you change your mind and don't become one of these people you talk about, you'll become the statistic that works against your assumptions... And i guarantee that you'll start viewing the world as a better place and see the goodness in others.

Of course everyone has bad in them, but they also have greatness, it's up to you to choose which to focus on.

Of course there are good people around but majority are self

 

[Konada]

Konada, you're putting your view of the world upon others.

I'm sure you aren't implying that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the billions of people on this planet are selfish and only looking to other people for personal gain...?

I guarantee that if you change your mind and don't become one of these people you talk about, you'll become the statistic that works against your assumptions... And i guarantee that you'll start viewing the world as a better place and see the goodness in others.

Of course everyone has bad in them, but they also have greatness, it's up to you to choose which to focus on.

Of course there are good people around but majority are selfish scumbags. Ever since I came onto this site I have become a guy who has raised this value so to speak. I used to think like you guys, I saw the good in others, I helped without expectations. I was a man for others. No doubt like as f238000 said, I was a good guy with decent value. But to watch all of this crumble in an instant just because I hit a low in my life was truly shattering and let me know for who people really are. My value was based on what I could offer. After seeing me hit a low they decided I was of no value to them in this state. Whatever credit I got was lost all in a matter of minutes.

 

[perseverance]

The self-confessed nice guy, usually isn't a nice guy at all. He acts nice because he thinks that's the best way to get results. He thinks that by being nice that he'll get women, yet women who fall for it usually see through his charade after all a while, because his personality changes.

There are a lot of decent people in this world, never let a few bad apples sour the entire apple cart. As for me, I am always myself, I am nice, I am also nasty -- I am two sides of the same coin in every aspect of human characteristics, just like everyone else. If a woman treats me with respect, she'll receive respect in return. If she is honest with me, she'll receive honesty. If she wants to play games, I'll walk away and if she wants a war, she'll get a war and I'll win. I believe all human beings have the capability to be nice, but they also have a dark side to their personality. Some people are scared to show their darkside, I am not. So, I wouldn't call myself nice. I'm a decent human being, but I am not a nice human being.

I was out my mate a few weekends ago, he was buying his girlfriend presents for her birthday. He spent $466 on gifts for his girlfriend. He kept saying "I'm such a nice person", I thought to myself "Hang on, buying your girlfriend presents doesn't make you nice". The fact you have spent so much money on your girlfriend is ridiculous and if you were to split up in a few months time, you'll be kicking yourself for squandering so much money on her. There's a difference between being genuinely nice and genuinely chumpy.

Being kind, helpful and selfless are not bad things, I happen to think they are very good traits. If I saw a man laying injured by the roadside, I'd stop, get out and offer him help. It's just in my nature. I'm helpful where I can be.

I'd say being yourself is all you can be and all you should be and you can conduct self-improvement programmes without needing to become false and fake. False and fake people stick out like a sore thumb in social settings.

 

[Konada]

The self-confessed nice guy, usually isn't a nice guy at all. He acts nice because he thinks that's the best way to get results. He thinks that by being nice that he'll get women, yet women who fall for it usually see through his charade after all a while, because his personality changes.

There are a lot of decent people in this world, never let a few bad apples sour the entire apple cart. As for me, I am always myself, I am nice, I am also nasty -- I am two sides of the same coin in every aspect of human characteristics, just like everyone else. If a woman treats me with respect, she'll receive respect in return. If she is honest with me, she'll receive honesty. If she wants to play games, I'll walk away and if she wants a war, she'll get a war and I'll win. I believe all human beings have the capability to be nice, but they also have a dark side to their personality. Some people are scared to show their darkside, I am not. So, I wouldn't call myself nice. I'm a decent human being, but I am not a nice human being.

I was out my mate a few weekends ago, he was buying his girlfriend presents for her birthday. He spent $466 on gifts for his girlfriend. He kept saying "I'm such a nice person", I thought to myself "Hang on, buying your girlfriend presents doesn't make you nice". The fact you have spent so much money on your girlfriend is ridiculous and if you were to split up in a few months time, you'll be kicking yourself for squandering so much money on her. There's a difference between being genuinely nice and genuinely chumpy.

Being kind, helpful and selfless are not bad things, I happen to think they are very good traits. If I saw a man laying injured by the roadside, I'd stop, get out and offer him help. It's just in my nature. I'm helpful where I can be.

I'd say being yourself is all you can be and all you should be and you can conduct self-improvement programmes without needing to become false and fake. False and fake people stick out like a sore thumb in social settings.

Don't know whether you're implying I'm fake or not but one thing I can guarantee is that it is my nature to help. So much so the main reason I aspire to be in the medical industry is to help people. It just saddens me to see people still make use of us as tools, regardless whether we are doing it out of goodwill or to curry favours.

I came to this realization fairly recently after I got depressed for awhile. I fail to see to help if you know that all people think of is what they can get out of you.

 

[perseverance]

Don't know whether you're implying I'm fake or not but one thing I can guarantee is that it is my nature to help. So much so the main reason I aspire to be in the medical industry is to help people. It just saddens me to see people still make use of us as tools, regardless whether we are doing it out of goodwill or to curry favours.

I came to this realization fairly recently after I got depressed for awhile. I fail to see to help if you know that all people think of is what they can get out of you.

I'm not calling you a fake, but if you choose to be someone you are not then what else are you being?

As for helping, yes there are people who abuse the help they receive which is why you single out who is abuser of help and who isn't, then you stop helping someone who is taking you for a ride. However, if you are training to in the medical profession than that's something you'll have to put up with, I'm guessing, I can't really say as I'm not in that profession. I know in my country that our Welfare State is heavily abused by people who have little/no respect for it or their health.

 

[jacob]

I reflected on this quite recently and I came to a realization that this world is indeed a self absorbed, cruel world.

Let us begin by distinguishing between the two types of nice guys.

THE 'NICE' GUY

Ah the infamous nice guy we always talk about. Guys like this do nice things to win favours of others, going out of their way to help others. For example, cancelling plans to help a girl of interest to choose what shoes to wear. Usually guys like this are kept around for all the wrong reasons.

THE GENUINE NICE GUY

The type of dude who is nice to everyone out of goodwill. Does his best to help others when they need help. Not selfish but selfless. Knows when to say no to requests if they interfere too much with his life. Generally well-liked by others but again for all the wrong reasons.

So which nice guy are you? IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because there is no room for kindness in this world! Everyone you know, every single fvcking being you know (except your family) is acknowleging your presence because of personal gain. Why do you think people be friends with nice dudes? Because they stand to gain. It is an inherent desire in us to seek pragmatism. In you, in me, in all of us. You may think that being nice because you are shows people you're confident in yourself and what not. The reality is they don't give a flying fvck about you, they look at what you can OFFER them.

I was recently down in the dumps, guess what? Nobody helped me, I was alone. I thought that being a true man for others would allow me to cut through all the shallow people. (I reject when I sense people are taking advantage of me). But I was wrong. Nobody gives a fvck whether you're being kind out of goodwill or out of other reasons. The only thing they want from you is YOUR HELP. YOU ARE A TOOL TO THEM. I'm sorry but this is life for me, I may be the decently popular guy, but nobody gives a fvck when I'm down in the dumps. Its a cruel world out there, your kindness will never be remembered but only beseeched upon in times of need.

Same goes for social proof and whatever. People get attracted to this because they stand to gain from acknowledging your presence. Why do you think girls go screaming over Justin Bieber. Because it gives them value to have seen him personally. Why do you think hobos are one of the most neglected beings on the earth? Because nobody stands to gain anything acknowledging them.

There is no point being nice in this selfish world. Like it or not, its you against the world.

You're right. This world is vanity. Everything in it.

The Truth is because of the first man Adam, we as a fallen race have this condition called concupscience which destines mankind to be miserable in this life.

We become slaves to the flesh, and many are here to get validation from females and human respect to feel good about ourselves.

There was a thread about walking away and someone commented that the OP who started it was a wuss because he had no other way to get the girl and so gives up, but on the contrary it's the other way around since the commentor was himself a slave in need of female attention.

Jesus was the true Don Juan, I'm sure a lot of women would have had sex with him if they could, but he was free from such a vice.

He craved no human respect, because as the man-God he knew that is how you get manipulated. All Glory belongs to Him. But he also taught to love one another even unto death.

As the Mighty King of kings, He chose to give an example by being a poor, humble servant, and he gave his help to everyone yet they treated him just like you and hung him on a cross.

It's not just you, I'm sure everyone on this forum, or even in the world lives a miserable vain life, no matter how successful or rich.

That's why you need to master your spirit first, and keep your flesh under control. This is the inner game that makes you a great lover, especially when you're not manipulated by human respect.

This is the magic that females will see that you're different from other guys.
And their spirit will be attracted to your spirit.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matt 6:33

And also remember what the perfect man said ""If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first." ...Jesus Christ

If you're going to be nice to others, do it for God and not for validation from some creature. But also don't be a door mat. This way you'll be true to yourself
the females will love you for you, and not some fake techniques, social status, or material possesions.

 

[bigblock7]

I'd say I'm genuinely a nice guy.. But I am not the "nice guy". I know when to say "no" and I know when I need to throw a punch. I'm not nice out of expectation for return favors. I do it because I care about the people I surround myself with and I enjoy helping them.

Seeing the world as a cruel cold place is an example for letting the external elements of reality into your internal perception of reality. Try and see things from a more positive light and you will be a lot happier. Everything in nature has its positive and negative.

A few examples..

A guy jumps you and steals your wallet containing your credit cards, ID, and some cash.. You could say...

"Wow! Fvck him what a scumfvck If I had a gun I would've shot the guy! What a sh1tty day!"

Or..

"Well this is a pretty sh1tty situation, but I learned not to walk through this area again and now I know to watch my back and be more careful.. I'm going to warn friends and/or family and contact local police and suggest that they patrol the area more heavily so something like this doesn't happen again to someone else"


Your girlfriend calls you late at night and she's crying, she tells you that she's been sleeping with your best friend for the last year pretty frequently and that she no longer loves you. You could say...

"Wow! I can't believe my best friend would fvcking do that to me! What a piece of sh1t! I would never do that to him. I hope ____ and ____ fvcking die alone and rot in hell. This world is cold and dead."

Or..

"Well I'm pretty sad about this, but I'm glad this ended. My best friend's decision does not affect me because if my girlfriend truly did love me, then she would not have made the decision to sleep with my best friend. My best friend pursued her, but all guys do that kind of stuff to each other so why sweat it. Now I have the opportunity to find the special girl who truly loves me on the same level as me for her. Hopefully things work out for my best friend and my ex girlfriend."

If you stop seeing the world in such a negative light, things will turn positive for you Konada. You're still young, and by joining this board you are totally on the correct path toward personal and emotional enlightenment. Just remember. Your brain perceives all that is reality with the tool of your eyes as a lens. You have the power to make your own reality with any given environment.

Best of luck man. Don't let the world get you down!

Amen to that! What you are saying is very true. The only criticism I have is that I believe one must be fair but not let people use you like a door mat. Give respect only to those who deserve it. The girlfriend and best friend situation is a tough one , but I would not let the two get away with it. Now I don't mean go out and get them back but let them know they were in the wrong and they have both lost your respect. Sadly the only way situations like these do not arise again is because people respect you out of fear or want to gain something from a relationship or less likely they respect you as a human being and acknowledge the importance of upholding ethics and morals. Life is a k*nt and the majority of individuals lack moral restraints. Having said that one should still prosper to become physically/mentally healthy and live a positive and fulfilling life. There are good decent people in this world and one should not compromise his values , ethics and morals just to get what he wants.

 

[JonJaper]

Konada I don't think you're wrong but at the same time I don't think you're right either.The world is what it is, and we simply have different interpretations of it. Two people could interpret the same incident in completely different ways depending on their outlook.

You choose to interpret the world as cruel...fair enough. BUT it seems to be getting you down. In this instance, nothing else matters apart from your happiness. Is this interpretation of the world making you happy?

I'm not saying you should take on a different interpretation so that you become happier. But you shouldn't let the opinion on the cruel world and people's inherent selfishness affect your life.

Get on with your life, improve yourself for YOU (not for some b!tch) and your happiness.

Forget how cruel/nice/whatever the world and society is. It doesn't matter. Who gives a f*ck about whether the average joe is a deceitful selfish sleazebag deep down? Focus on yourself.

And BTW...you haven't posted your workout progress in a long time. Your last entry in the Health and Fitness section was quite a while back. I know you say you have finals this month but if you have time to post here on sosuave you have time to hit the gym!!

Exercise is a natural mood alleviator. Maybe you're feeling down because you haven't worked out in a long time. Let's make it a competition to see who can squat more...I'm on 176 pounds x6-7 reps (will move up next week), last time I checked you were on 155 pounds, I've overtaken you LOL.

Get to it buddy! No excuses for skipping your workouts! I said in your workout journal that both of us are going on a similar journey with regards to our lifting and I'm not gonna let you fall behind while I continue progressing.

We progress together.