(I posted this on my workout log but I thought it's an expansive topic and might need further discussion, so is deserving of its own thread)
Something interesting happened today which made me think about confrontations and just dealing with them. As you can imagine, this can not only apply to relationships/girls, but also to confrontations with work colleagues, friends/family, or random idiots you meet when going out.
So here's what happened:
I was at the gym deadlifting and usually deadlifting really takes the winds out of my sails, so sometimes I grunt loudly as it helps me channel my aggression towards the lift AND helps with my breathing during the lift.
Today, after I deadlifted 308lbs for the first set of 7 reps, some big Polish guy (just another customer, didn't work at the gym) came right up to me (his nose was barely inches away from my face) and he tells me how a guy got kicked out for shouting, and that I should not shout especially when doing such a "pathetic weight". He told me off like an angry parent would to a child. I'll admit that it pissed me off and was downright rude....I felt he had no right to speak to me like that and invade my personal space the way he did.
I also felt bad that I allowed someone to be rude to me and to be in my face like that. That hurt my confidence a lot.
I then replied "it may be a light weight for you, but it's heavy for me so I don't see why you needed to say that" After being exposed as a rude idiot trying to undermine me by calling my weight "pathetic", he concedes and semi-apologetically says "ok, but don't shout" and I said I'll try to keep it down.
I get that my grunting may have distracted him....and the next set I tried to keep it down...but even then, he had NO RIGHT to behave the way he did.
If he asked me to keep it down because he was getting distracted (instead of rambling on about some guy getting kicked out like he's some sort of rule-enforcer when he's not even an employee), that would have been reasonable.
But I guess I can't expect everyone to have manners and to behave the right way...you're always gonna encounter idiots in life.
The above incident made me think about confrontations as a whole (work colleagues, idiots at the gym, friends, family, girlfriends, wives, kids) when either the other person is wrong or BOTH you and the other person are wrong.
I've thought of a formula/structure for dealing with such confrontations.
Basically it goes like this:
"I understand that x/y/z bothered you and I will do x/y/z next time.....but there was no reason why you did x/y/z"...if you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?
For the example at the gym...it would have gone like this:
"I understand that my loud grunting might have distracted you from your workout and I'll keep it down next time, but there was no reason why you had to come THIS CLOSE (show him how close) to my face in an aggressive manner and tell me I'm doing a pathetic weight. It might be a light weight for you, but it's heavy for me and there was no need to try and insult me...if you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
For the angry wife:
"I understand that you are on your period and it's painful and makes you irritable and next time I'll try not to invite my parents round for dinner when you are on your period...but there was no reason why you had to bring up how you find my mother annoying. There was no need to call her names and insult her, which would obviously offend me. If you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
The work colleague/boss
"I understand that you are an experienced member of the team and that you didn't find my suggestion constructive, and next time I'll take your opinions into account more...but there was no need to be condescending and rude. We are in a professional environment and insulting me infront of the juniors as well as the manager was inappropriate and low.If you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
Basically you can apply this argument buster to ALL confrontations where both people have been wrong OR the other person is in the wrong.
In my opinion, this is a confident and mature way to handle a confrontation.
Confident in the fact that you don't let people mistreat you....but mature in that you defend yourself without resorting to insulting back/starting a fight in the way that immature confidence would lead to.
In the case of the gym douche....if he carried on behaving like an idiot...then that becomes totally his fault and that's when the gym staff and security staff within the building get involved....either way not my problem.
In most cases the other person will be reasonable (usual reply is along the lines of "I didn't mean to behave like that" )...or something defensive but still conceding...from there you can work out a solution.
However if the person carries on behaving unreasonably....or behaves in an even worse manner, congratulations, you are dealing with an idiot who is now 100% in the wrong...you warned them, now either give em hell or let someone else (authorities, senior colleagues, security etc) deal with them
Try it out yourselves and see what results you get.
Something interesting happened today which made me think about confrontations and just dealing with them. As you can imagine, this can not only apply to relationships/girls, but also to confrontations with work colleagues, friends/family, or random idiots you meet when going out.
So here's what happened:
I was at the gym deadlifting and usually deadlifting really takes the winds out of my sails, so sometimes I grunt loudly as it helps me channel my aggression towards the lift AND helps with my breathing during the lift.
Today, after I deadlifted 308lbs for the first set of 7 reps, some big Polish guy (just another customer, didn't work at the gym) came right up to me (his nose was barely inches away from my face) and he tells me how a guy got kicked out for shouting, and that I should not shout especially when doing such a "pathetic weight". He told me off like an angry parent would to a child. I'll admit that it pissed me off and was downright rude....I felt he had no right to speak to me like that and invade my personal space the way he did.
I also felt bad that I allowed someone to be rude to me and to be in my face like that. That hurt my confidence a lot.
I then replied "it may be a light weight for you, but it's heavy for me so I don't see why you needed to say that" After being exposed as a rude idiot trying to undermine me by calling my weight "pathetic", he concedes and semi-apologetically says "ok, but don't shout" and I said I'll try to keep it down.
I get that my grunting may have distracted him....and the next set I tried to keep it down...but even then, he had NO RIGHT to behave the way he did.
If he asked me to keep it down because he was getting distracted (instead of rambling on about some guy getting kicked out like he's some sort of rule-enforcer when he's not even an employee), that would have been reasonable.
But I guess I can't expect everyone to have manners and to behave the right way...you're always gonna encounter idiots in life.
The above incident made me think about confrontations as a whole (work colleagues, idiots at the gym, friends, family, girlfriends, wives, kids) when either the other person is wrong or BOTH you and the other person are wrong.
I've thought of a formula/structure for dealing with such confrontations.
Basically it goes like this:
"I understand that x/y/z bothered you and I will do x/y/z next time.....but there was no reason why you did x/y/z"...if you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?
For the example at the gym...it would have gone like this:
"I understand that my loud grunting might have distracted you from your workout and I'll keep it down next time, but there was no reason why you had to come THIS CLOSE (show him how close) to my face in an aggressive manner and tell me I'm doing a pathetic weight. It might be a light weight for you, but it's heavy for me and there was no need to try and insult me...if you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
For the angry wife:
"I understand that you are on your period and it's painful and makes you irritable and next time I'll try not to invite my parents round for dinner when you are on your period...but there was no reason why you had to bring up how you find my mother annoying. There was no need to call her names and insult her, which would obviously offend me. If you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
The work colleague/boss
"I understand that you are an experienced member of the team and that you didn't find my suggestion constructive, and next time I'll take your opinions into account more...but there was no need to be condescending and rude. We are in a professional environment and insulting me infront of the juniors as well as the manager was inappropriate and low.If you behave like that towards me, why should I respect you?"
Basically you can apply this argument buster to ALL confrontations where both people have been wrong OR the other person is in the wrong.
In my opinion, this is a confident and mature way to handle a confrontation.
Confident in the fact that you don't let people mistreat you....but mature in that you defend yourself without resorting to insulting back/starting a fight in the way that immature confidence would lead to.
In the case of the gym douche....if he carried on behaving like an idiot...then that becomes totally his fault and that's when the gym staff and security staff within the building get involved....either way not my problem.
In most cases the other person will be reasonable (usual reply is along the lines of "I didn't mean to behave like that" )...or something defensive but still conceding...from there you can work out a solution.
However if the person carries on behaving unreasonably....or behaves in an even worse manner, congratulations, you are dealing with an idiot who is now 100% in the wrong...you warned them, now either give em hell or let someone else (authorities, senior colleagues, security etc) deal with them
Try it out yourselves and see what results you get.
