Sometimes its really annoying being with an introvert

[ThunderMaverick]

The relationship is great except for the misunderstandings. Sometimes ill ask her what the problem is with something, she'll say "not much" or leave out important details, only to be sent a long 10 paragraph message on Facebook a day or two later.

Recently that whole foresome fiasco left my best friend and his girlfriend not liking her and vice versa. After all of this they've tried to still be friends with her just even for the sake of getting along. I don't want to be torn between them, avoiding one for the other. My gf says it doesn't matter if they're friends or not, but it matters to me if she bares resent and dislike for my friend of ten years. He doesn't like her either but is still trying to really reach out and get along.

I don't want to force sh1t, but...I dunno this doesn't sit right with me. She tells them things are cool over the phone but then writes them on Facebook about her problems with them and then takes them off her friends list. Like she doesn't think that's a sign of ill will.


I'm just so irritated at her lack of effort in trying to make things right between all of us, like I'm the only one with the f*going problem . Sorry guys. Just venting.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

She has this idea that I'm trying to force a friendship. I'm not. I just don't want her misunderstanding my friends by talking negatively about them and thinking they hate her when they're trying to get along and at least be cordial.

I just don't want her talking sh1t about them.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Anyone got an opinion on how to handle this? I'm really feeling kind of lost...

 

[speed dawg]

Only thought I've got is that you really don't know what an introvert is.

I'm a full-blooded 100% introvert and I actually like confrontation. That is not what it's all about. Introverts can be as out-going and social as extroverts.

You're dealing with someone that is passive aggressive.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Passive aggressive? Woah I never really thought of that.


I'm a very open person who likes to get problems out in the open and find solutions before moving on or ignoring stuff and pretending like it didn't happen. I think I do have a problem where I dwell on things too much, but combine that with dealing with passive aggressive and I get angry. I mean REALLY angry. Like I'm not being heard or appreciated, bla bla bla.


How can i deal with passive aggressive behavior?

 

[ilikecharlene]

She is who she is.

Find ways to draw her out. What are her interests? Take to her about them.

 

[speed dawg]

I'm a very open person who likes to get problems out in the open and find solutions before moving on or ignoring stuff and pretending like it didn't happen. I think I do have a problem where I dwell on things too much, but combine that with dealing with passive aggressive and I get angry. I mean REALLY angry. Like I'm not being heard or appreciated, bla bla bla.

You sound exactly like me. I want to face the brunt of an issue, and put it behind us. Some people like to ignore the problem and 'let it go' even though it is still very much there, but I guess since they ignored it there's no immediate drama.

I think the best solution is likely in the middle. Let the little things go and face the big things.

But it sounds as if your girl is backing down from face to face confrontation but taking to 'safer' and more passive aggressive means such as facebook. Sounds like she's passive aggressive AND loves drama. I've yet to figure out how to deal with these types. I typically ignore them. They really need someone to cater to them all the time.

Back to introversion....the traits that are synonymous with that would be flakiness, irritability when around people too long, awkwardness in big groups, etc. Introverts need alone time to 'charge their energy batteries' while extroverts feed off being around other people. Introverts can definitely be around others, and extroverts can be alone. Just in small doses, as it wears them out quicker.

 

[scrouds]

I don't really get why you're putting this friend on a pedestal of sorts. Let her get pissed or deal with it how she wants, and you just stay away till she comes back down.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

@scrouds that would have been fine, but there was a lot of negative words from both parties for a while and I was in the middle hearing all of it. It just wasn't a good position for me to be in.

She spoke to me last night and said I had a point. She said she needed time though. I can accept that. Its just that in some of our circles there's a lot of sh1t talking and things left unsaid, so misunderstandings and resentment just build up. Its unhealthy. My friends were still willing to talk to her and work things out but she didn't want to at the time. Or at least it seemed that way.

@speed dawg I really have to find a happy medium and I need more patience when dealing with someone who doesn't really address conflict head on. I get into such a rage when I feel like I've take steps to remedy a situation only to not really be talked to or written a letter the next day, all the while I've been told everything is ok.

Actually thinking about it is pissing me off. Lol

 

[sodbuster]

The longer you date, the worse it gets. BIG point .... if other women don't like her[and she's not a 10-jealousy issue], she may just have a ****ty personality. Does SHE have female friends? Is she trying to kill off your friendships to make your social life dependent on her?

you are trying to get laid or are... you are the least objective person in this scenario. I'm betting your friend and his GF are right

 

[jhl]

Heya Thunder. I can understand your frustrations with a passive aggressive/non-confrontational introvert. I ran into an extreme introvert who was totally non-confrontational. Six months into the relationship, the roof collapsed over my head when she spilled out every single problem that she didn't talk about and broke contact.

In was really really surprised b/c she is known as the happiest person my friends and I have met in life. She always smiles and never shows any signs of anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, or what not. I'm fairly good at reading people and I couldn't believe that I could not pick up ANY signal during the 6 month period.

In retrospect, I realized a few things that could have been done. As a previous poster (I think) mentioned you have to be EXTREMELY attentive and pick up INCONSISTENCIES in behavior.

For example, my ex always smiles and is happy. When she's sad, happy, angry, whatever she always smiled. But when I think about this..I noticed that sometimes she smiles for a very short time, pushes her arms inwards and looked downwards a bit/avoids eye contact for a few seconds. I'm not 100% sure, but I think this was a key signal which I missed. When you see such inconsistencies in the way she acts, you can be sure that something is wrong.

The second way of dealing with this type of person I think is going beta and constantly asking if she is ok, how she is feeling, and REALLY try to bring it out of her even when you aren't sure anything is wrong. This...I'm unwilling to do b/c it's beta and it takes way too much energy. I have too much crap going on in my life to deal with such a person.

I realized I cannot and refuse to deal with passive aggressive/non-confrontational/shutdown introverts. I've dealt with 2 bosses like this and an ex over a period of 10 years and not a single person I know during this time was able to effectively deal with these type of people. These types of people just wear you down in the long run and are just as problematic as drama queens.

 

[scrouds]

@scrouds that would have been fine, but there was a lot of negative words from both parties for a while and I was in the middle hearing all of it. It just wasn't a good position for me to be in.

She spoke to me last night and said I had a point. She said she needed time though. I can accept that. Its just that in some of our circles there's a lot of sh1t talking and things left unsaid, so misunderstandings and resentment just build up. Its unhealthy. My friends were still willing to talk to her and work things out but she didn't want to at the time. Or at least it seemed that way.

@speed dawg I really have to find a happy medium and I need more patience when dealing with someone who doesn't really address conflict head on. I get into such a rage when I feel like I've take steps to remedy a situation only to not really be talked to or written a letter the next day, all the while I've been told everything is ok.

Actually thinking about it is pissing me off. Lol

My friend, you have more power then you think or will acknowledge. You can choose to listen or not to listen. You can choose to not listen. To change the topic, to tell the parties to not involve you in their affairs.

Its like in the early stages of dating where a chick starts "opening up" to you and emotion barfs over you. You can choose to listen politely, or you can tell her you're not her girlfriend and nip it in the bud. Friends are the same way. If you need to, set up barriers, and if necessary enforce them.

I've been in this situation before. I give them a little leeway to get stuff off their chest, but if it continues or leads to bashing of another friend, or I just get bored or tired of it, I cut it off. That's it. Its like the silverback gorilla in the zoo. The alpha, sitting there. He'll take some of it, but when it hits an annoyance point, he gets up and biitchslaps the offending gorilla back into line.