This post is a little long, so bear with me. I'm looking for some advice on the future as well as dealing with problems from the past. So I guess you need the background info on me:
I need some help dealing with past issues, and I'm not sure how. Just get over it? See a therapist? I don't know. But I'm still filled with anger and hate. Don't want it... but its just there you know? I need to get rid of it because its not who I want to be and right now its really acting like a block that I can't seem to overcome.
My motivation and general spirit has been in the dumps lately, mostly because I keep thinking about this sh*t.
Anyways, that's the short story. There's more stupid bull****, but I didn't think it necessary to include it.I'm Canadian, raised in the GTA but I'm an immigrant. English is my main language now but it wasn't always that way. I didn't ever fit in with kids at my school, and it didn't help that my parents always moved around the damn city. My dad's an *******, and the most negative person I know. He's the very definition of an AFC, mostly due to his temper (*****es more than my grandma used to) and apathy about everything including me. You would think I'd be left to my own doing but no, add in over-protectiveness on top of that. When I was a kid I never did any sports, after school activities, allowed to hang out with friends from school... etc. All I got was TV, my homework, and yelling. I never really had a "dad", more like a mom and a b*tchy useless mom.
I got very good at the homework because it was somewhat interesting to me, especially the sciences. Unfortunately, as a person I became very angry, and somewhat antisocial well through high school since I was always playing catchup with the social game. I got wise during high school and slowly made some progress... which I'm still working on to this day. Late during high school I attended some Tae Kwon Do and some Track and Field... since I always wanted to do some sports. This fixed up my physique a little bit. I went from an asthmatic, chubby kid, to a leaner, skinny fat young man with damn good stamina (mostly because of family genetics) but still a poor appearance.
After high school, I attended a local, and pretty damn good University for Biochemistry, long enough to figure out that it wasn't for me no matter how much I like the sciences. I had a good time, got to be more social and finally calmed down a little bit. Attended rowing this time as a sport. By this point I was more successful with women, but it never really lasted long with any one probably because I didn't have that social life that I should have welcomed them into. Had friends, but never a busy social life. I still felt like an ******* and hated myself for it.
During the summers while off University I worked at a local food and hospitality company operating on the lake. I was a tour guide (on a boat), bartender, and server depending on what was needed. This helped me with my public speaking and generally socializing. I was less afraid.
Anyways, I quit University after I wanted to do something more with my life. So I enrolled in a local college for Business Finance which I'm still finishing. Right now my grades are pretty good, I have a few more courses to take and I get my diploma, then I can get my certifications. I'm calmer with women and people in general. I'm almost the social guy now, but I still make alot of mistakes with people. I have more courage to go out and do things, but monumentally **** them up for the most part because I haven't yet developed that social instinct.
The girls I interact with now are much higher quality, but I still can't seem to keep them around for long. Last one I lost in part due to my impatience and temper and she was a hell of a girl.
I need some help dealing with past issues, and I'm not sure how. Just get over it? See a therapist? I don't know. But I'm still filled with anger and hate. Don't want it... but its just there you know? I need to get rid of it because its not who I want to be and right now its really acting like a block that I can't seem to overcome.
My motivation and general spirit has been in the dumps lately, mostly because I keep thinking about this sh*t.