I suppose it’s time to face facts. I’ve reverted to my AFC ways and I’ve been paying the price.
I have lost count of the women I've dated this past year. Many of them I've laid and around 90% of them I've kissed. You could say I'm a good looking guy - I'm tall, in good shape and have good features. I get women hit on me regularly, have many admirers, get lots of compliments about my looks and initial interest from women is usually sky high.
To see me during these initial encounters, many people would think I'm a master DJ/player, and that’s what I convinced myself. I figured I was having so much success with women, I no longer needed to apply any DJ values or play the game. Of course, I’m doing a lot of things right. I’m building excellent rapport and escalating to sex, which is making for some fun first dates, but when it comes to long term dating/relationships with girls I like...hell, even just getting a second or third date, I am failing in the most pitiful way.
As many of you will have noticed from my field reports and recent posts, I seem to fall into the same pattern over and over. I get to know a girl, we build a good connection, we make out or have sex (often several times), her interest level is sky high, then all of a sudden, she turns cold and runs away.
Ok, let me rephrase that...she gets caught up in the initial seduction, the sexual chemistry, but loses interest once she gets to know me.
There are only so many times I can blame the women. Not all of them can be slvts, players or loonies. When I think about it, the answer is obvious: my good looks may be getting my foot in the door, but my personality is repelling women. It’s time to admit to myself I’ve got complacent and have neglected all the great lessons I learned here and all the mental conditioning I put myself through. I’ve put my heart into the gym, my diet and getting into shape, but that just isn’t enough when you’re lacking in other areas.
Reflecting on past dates there are a few things women have said that trouble me. I’m hearing the term “sweet” and “nice” way too many times for comfort. The last girl I fell for told me I’m a sweetheart and a nice person, and I sat there and took it as a compliment. The old Jariel would’ve heard alarm bells ringing and would’ve confronted her for that comment. Likewise, I’ve been having lots of people at work talking about how polite and sweet I am, and a few times women have apologised for swearing in front of me, fearing I might be offended. Seriously, it made me feel like a 10 year old.
But that’s not all. My composure and body language is a textbook example of a beta male. Although I am confident in myself, I realise that I do not convey that impression. I put it down to my suffering attention deficit disorder, but I tend to get very restless and feel a sense of urgency about everything. I fidget, talk and move way too fast, my breathing is shallow, my voice changes pitch and my eyes dart around during conversation. Three women have commented that I seemed like a nervous wreck during our dates. Of course, I denied it because it wasn’t true, but if that’s what my body language is saying, then there’s something seriously amiss. A number of women have got it into their heads that they intimidated me. Completely ridiculous, and yet there has to be something I’m doing that makes them think this. In fact, one woman I was dating told me that my nervousness made her feel uncomfortable and put her off. I valued her directness and honesty (doesn’t happen often), but I took no action to correct this.
I used to be so smooth and suave. I would neg hit and use ****y and funny to tease women, and would have great fun with it, and would deliver my dry sense of humour in a cool kind of way. These days I’ll often follow up with “I’m just joking” or grin/laugh emphatically so they know I’m just joking. It makes me appear cheeky and goofy, which is inconsistent with both the way I look and my natural personality. What’s more, it always feels like I’m trying too hard.
Add this to the fact that I play the humility card way too often, I neglect my social proof and I let each woman believe she’s the only one I’m into, instead of letting her know there are other women in my life, many admirers and showing her I have value. I reassure women too often and fail to provide any challenge or chase. I’m always way too polite and considerate, caring too much about how people think of me.
Frankly, I’ve reverted to an AFC of the worst kind and I need to get back to my DJ mindset. I know what I should be doing, I’ve been preaching it here for years, and yet for some reason I’ve not been practising it. It's just like getting fat. You don't realise how much you've let yourself go until one day you look at yourself and wonder how the fvck you allowed it to happen.
I’ve certainly paid the price for my complacency. As a matter of fact, all these painful rejections I've been during this past year are exactly like those that brought me to this site in the very beginning.
It’s unreasonable to think I can get back to where I want to be over night. I just need to retrace my steps, one at a time. My first step is to work on my composure. Following the advice given to me in another thread, I have started mediating on a daily basis and am trying to keep my mind focused in the present moment, while being consciously aware of my posture, my speech and my breathing, and making a big effort to hold eye contact and stop myself from fidgeting.
So far, this is helping a lot. I was opened by a hot young girl just a couple of nights ago at a Christmas party. I neg hit her a few times in a dry and cool way, held eye contact and spoke in an unwavering tone. There was something about our interaction that made me feel in control. Then gradually her friends started coming over to talk to me and I found myself among 5 hot girls, all of which were vying for my attention. The more attention I gave to her friends, the more she wanted me. It was classic DJ stuff. I never even had to ask for her number as she volunteered it herself. I felt good behaving this way, more natural, more consistent with my personality. What’s more, I’m already noticing people paying me more respect. I remember this same thing happening when I first put this stuff into practice many years ago.
Next up, I want to try and kill off my nice guy traits, and my excessive politeness and consideration. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone here and stop trying to make everyone like me. This is a very ingrained habit, so it will be difficult.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this and let you know where I’m at right now. Perhaps other DJs who have experienced a similar rise and fall can offer some support or advice.
I have lost count of the women I've dated this past year. Many of them I've laid and around 90% of them I've kissed. You could say I'm a good looking guy - I'm tall, in good shape and have good features. I get women hit on me regularly, have many admirers, get lots of compliments about my looks and initial interest from women is usually sky high.
To see me during these initial encounters, many people would think I'm a master DJ/player, and that’s what I convinced myself. I figured I was having so much success with women, I no longer needed to apply any DJ values or play the game. Of course, I’m doing a lot of things right. I’m building excellent rapport and escalating to sex, which is making for some fun first dates, but when it comes to long term dating/relationships with girls I like...hell, even just getting a second or third date, I am failing in the most pitiful way.
As many of you will have noticed from my field reports and recent posts, I seem to fall into the same pattern over and over. I get to know a girl, we build a good connection, we make out or have sex (often several times), her interest level is sky high, then all of a sudden, she turns cold and runs away.
Ok, let me rephrase that...she gets caught up in the initial seduction, the sexual chemistry, but loses interest once she gets to know me.
There are only so many times I can blame the women. Not all of them can be slvts, players or loonies. When I think about it, the answer is obvious: my good looks may be getting my foot in the door, but my personality is repelling women. It’s time to admit to myself I’ve got complacent and have neglected all the great lessons I learned here and all the mental conditioning I put myself through. I’ve put my heart into the gym, my diet and getting into shape, but that just isn’t enough when you’re lacking in other areas.
Reflecting on past dates there are a few things women have said that trouble me. I’m hearing the term “sweet” and “nice” way too many times for comfort. The last girl I fell for told me I’m a sweetheart and a nice person, and I sat there and took it as a compliment. The old Jariel would’ve heard alarm bells ringing and would’ve confronted her for that comment. Likewise, I’ve been having lots of people at work talking about how polite and sweet I am, and a few times women have apologised for swearing in front of me, fearing I might be offended. Seriously, it made me feel like a 10 year old.
But that’s not all. My composure and body language is a textbook example of a beta male. Although I am confident in myself, I realise that I do not convey that impression. I put it down to my suffering attention deficit disorder, but I tend to get very restless and feel a sense of urgency about everything. I fidget, talk and move way too fast, my breathing is shallow, my voice changes pitch and my eyes dart around during conversation. Three women have commented that I seemed like a nervous wreck during our dates. Of course, I denied it because it wasn’t true, but if that’s what my body language is saying, then there’s something seriously amiss. A number of women have got it into their heads that they intimidated me. Completely ridiculous, and yet there has to be something I’m doing that makes them think this. In fact, one woman I was dating told me that my nervousness made her feel uncomfortable and put her off. I valued her directness and honesty (doesn’t happen often), but I took no action to correct this.
I used to be so smooth and suave. I would neg hit and use ****y and funny to tease women, and would have great fun with it, and would deliver my dry sense of humour in a cool kind of way. These days I’ll often follow up with “I’m just joking” or grin/laugh emphatically so they know I’m just joking. It makes me appear cheeky and goofy, which is inconsistent with both the way I look and my natural personality. What’s more, it always feels like I’m trying too hard.
Add this to the fact that I play the humility card way too often, I neglect my social proof and I let each woman believe she’s the only one I’m into, instead of letting her know there are other women in my life, many admirers and showing her I have value. I reassure women too often and fail to provide any challenge or chase. I’m always way too polite and considerate, caring too much about how people think of me.
Frankly, I’ve reverted to an AFC of the worst kind and I need to get back to my DJ mindset. I know what I should be doing, I’ve been preaching it here for years, and yet for some reason I’ve not been practising it. It's just like getting fat. You don't realise how much you've let yourself go until one day you look at yourself and wonder how the fvck you allowed it to happen.
I’ve certainly paid the price for my complacency. As a matter of fact, all these painful rejections I've been during this past year are exactly like those that brought me to this site in the very beginning.
It’s unreasonable to think I can get back to where I want to be over night. I just need to retrace my steps, one at a time. My first step is to work on my composure. Following the advice given to me in another thread, I have started mediating on a daily basis and am trying to keep my mind focused in the present moment, while being consciously aware of my posture, my speech and my breathing, and making a big effort to hold eye contact and stop myself from fidgeting.
So far, this is helping a lot. I was opened by a hot young girl just a couple of nights ago at a Christmas party. I neg hit her a few times in a dry and cool way, held eye contact and spoke in an unwavering tone. There was something about our interaction that made me feel in control. Then gradually her friends started coming over to talk to me and I found myself among 5 hot girls, all of which were vying for my attention. The more attention I gave to her friends, the more she wanted me. It was classic DJ stuff. I never even had to ask for her number as she volunteered it herself. I felt good behaving this way, more natural, more consistent with my personality. What’s more, I’m already noticing people paying me more respect. I remember this same thing happening when I first put this stuff into practice many years ago.
Next up, I want to try and kill off my nice guy traits, and my excessive politeness and consideration. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone here and stop trying to make everyone like me. This is a very ingrained habit, so it will be difficult.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this and let you know where I’m at right now. Perhaps other DJs who have experienced a similar rise and fall can offer some support or advice.
