my girl is a stalker magnet

[rakewell]

I've been seeing this girl for about a month now... she's an attractive girl, big personality, but not so hot she seems unattainable, so she gets hit on a lot by nice guys. Problem is these guys turn into stalkers. Any ideas how I can help her deal with the nice guys since our relationship isn't public? She keeps telling me she doesn't want to be mean to them, especially since one is a friend of a friend, but they do stalkerish things like contacting her friend asking to be invited to his birthday party when they've only met once.

I'm not too worried about it because I'm the first guy she's dated in over a year, and I know she isn't going to run off with one of these chumps, but its annoying hearing her talk about it, and I don't want these guys to force their way into our social circle and become orbiters.

 

[LostAndConfused]

Become acquaintances to these "stalkers," and just try to give some friendly advice that stalking her ruins their chances and makes them seem desparate. Don't sound like an a** hole when you go about doing it though.

 

[Phyzzle]

Any ideas how I can help her deal with the nice guys since our relationship isn't public?

Your relationship isn't public?

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Guy, listen to me carefuly. I am experiencing a similar, not same, situation with one of the girls I am currently dating. She likes to talk about how guys come on to her, stare at her, and want to take her out even when they dont' know eachother well. I found a pattern recently. She likes talking about it. She needs a lot of attention and gets validation by many men talking to her and making her feel wanted. Yes, not the most healthy mind set, but it works for her, so I just listen to her, as she likes to talk about the many times she gets attention by "creepy" "stalkershish" type of guys. She has a set of double D natural breasts, and has big lips and long straight hair. She is very exotic, yet I consider her between a 7.5 and an 8 overall in looks.

Moral of the story. Let her get her validation, as long as she is not showing interest in them, and get her attention from them. Seems like this is one of the things that matters to her most. If she were to move somewhere else, there would be plenty of new guys who would start acting the same way and her reacting the same way. Let them gawk, compliment her, etc., while you are the one who she gives the goods to.

 

[Effington]

I'll agree with the above post. I have a lady friend that's a hottie, I'd say probably a 9 or better. It's VERY clear that she loves the power trip of being hit on--all the guys attempting to qualify themselves for her. She'll give me a weekly breakdown about how many guys hit on her (she likes to go to bars by herself so she can get hit on), and her "tests" she gives guys, basically to see if she can convince them to admit to liking outrageous crap. At lunch she typically likes to strut herself around downtown and flash people looks to see if they'll approach.

That being said, I think my friend is kind of an extreme case, as she could "next" virtually every guy in the city of Chicago, and at this pace, probably will.

For your case, I wouldn't let that crap bother you. If she's leading other guys on, that may be a cause for concern, but if they're just desperate guys begging for a moment of her time then there's no harm done. I'd be cool with all the guys chasing her, besides, you never know how they could help you out in the future.

 

[Cruise]

I'd be cool with all the guys chasing her, besides, you never know how they could help you out in the future.

:yes:

'Tis true.

 

[Christopher Philip]

I can almost guarantee that she is giving off a bunch of indicators of interest subconsciously to these other men. If you can, watch her body language. I bet it is really flirty and men think she is interested. Post back, I want to know if I am right.

 

[Answers]

Is she imagining it? I've a story..

I went on a date once and the date told me about being stalked and how annoying it was to her. I agreed that these "stalkers" must be weirdos and avoided.

After the date I sent her a text message. She replied about 4 hours later. I sent one the next day and got no reply. I waited another day for to send another text message and when I got no reply I tried ringing her. All this time I was wondering why I got no reply. I rang her the next day for the last time when it dawned on me that she wasn't interested (yes, I was very AFC!).

The point of the story is that she was probably telling some other date that I was stalking her! and I realised that nobody was ever stalking her she was just being pig ignorant by ignoring the texts and phone calls.

 

[Christopher Philip]

Is she imagining it? I've a story..

I went on a date once and the date told me about being stalked and how annoying it was to her. I agreed that these "stalkers" must be weirdos and avoided.

After the date I sent her a text message. She replied about 4 hours later. I sent one the next day and got no reply. I waited another day for to send another text message and when I got no reply I tried ringing her. All this time I was wondering why I got no reply. I rang her the next day for the last time when it dawned on me that she wasn't interested (yes, I was very AFC!).

The point of the story is that she was probably telling some other date that I was stalking her! and I realised that nobody was stalking her she was just being pig ignorant by ignoring the texts and phone calls.

Bingo! This **** happens all the time with people now-a-days I have found. People really have lost all respect for others and not returning calls and having the integrity to own up to your decisions included. Why a girl can't just outright own up to her feelings is beyond me. Just fly straight and hang with those that have some respect, the rest will learn with time.

 

[Mr Autobahn]

Bingo! This **** happens all the time with people now-a-days I have found. People really have lost all respect for others and not returning calls and having the integrity to own up to your decisions included. Why a girl can't just outright own up to her feelings is beyond me. Just fly straight and hang with those that have some respect, the rest will learn with time.

I have noticed this too. I think most people have thrown respect out the window these days. Nobody takes the time to really listen to others instead of hearing themselves talk...

 

[movistar]

I have noticed this too. I think most people have thrown respect out the window these days. Nobody takes the time to really listen to others instead of hearing themselves talk...

Being an American I thought this was just how people did things, I've made some friends in other countries and find that most of the time they are not like that, it is definantly a US behavior/attitude.

 

[rakewell]

Okay, yes, she does give IOIs, but not directed toward anyone. She is flirty and outgoing, but she doesn't lead guys on. She doesn't give out her phone number when guys ask. She has dealt very persistent guys who don't pick up on the signals that she's not interested. Most of them get her number through friends who didn't know better. (They usually only make that mistake once.) These guys are just so clueless it pisses me off. Like a guy she just met, in a group, with three gay men surrounding her, not showing him any direct attention, called her less than 12 hours later and left her a 2 1/2 minute voice message. Then, the next day, proceeded to ask to be invited to one of the gay friends' birthday parties. So, maybe "stalker" is too harsh... but they are definitely breaking social rules and making her feel uncomfortable. (The way she handled that situation is to reply via e-mail instead of calling and act as if she thought the message was a group invite, which it could've been.)

Regarding the calling thing, I never thought much of it until I was dating this girl, but she has guys she only met a few times who got her number through friends that continue to call her when they haven't seen each other in over a year. I think she definitely should own up to her feelings and tell them she's not interested in dating them, but to her, rejecting them outright is mean, and they're "so nice" she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. So she's left with two options: blow them off, or unwittingly string them along because these guys don't have social skills. This is chick logic. She needs to just LJBF the ones she could be friends with and reject the ones she couldn't. I know this. But it'll be hard to get her to do that.

 

[Christopher Philip]

I seems to me if she is posting a bunch of random IOI's then it's her that is in control. I would have her study what an IOI is and just plain stop sending them out and curbing her outgoing nature a little (not her personality) toward random people. I think how people treat you is nearly 100% in your control. My GF in University was really good at putting out the ***** vibe because she was with me. She didn't want to be approached by anyone else so she avoided making eye contact, didn't act flirty, etc. She taught people that she didn't want to be bothered with. If she is really concerned teach her how not to give IOI's then she wont have to deal with it. Have her learn closed body language, arms and legs crossed and avoid eye contact with strangers for starters.

 

[Poonani Maker]

sounds like a chick I used to know who'd say "yeah we should totally go out on fri" and come friday, nada, her friend's mom died or something

 

[rakewell]

I did a little bit of research, and this girl definitely doesn't know when she's flirting. She had another friend into her last night... said she had a great conversation with him... I showed up to the bar late, and a drunk guy comes over (we're alone at a table at this point) and says, "Joe is worried that I ruined his game," or something along those lines. I just rolled my eyes.

Back to the "research": later that night we were talking about some past events in our relationship... one time before things happened we were going out with a group of friends, I said I wasn't going to drink, she said she wasn't going to either, I get there later that night and she hands me her drink (it was free, some sort of promo night) and tells me to finish it. I gave her a little bit of **** about her being a bad influence and such. Last night I asked her if she thought that by doing that she was being flirty or showing any interest in me, and she said she didn't. (Granted there's a whole bunch more to this that I'm leaving out, it's not just that isolated incident.) So now I am pretty sure that she shows guys more attention than they're used to, and they interpret this as her possibly being interested in them. Then when the time comes to ask for her number (or escalate in some other way), and she doesn't give it, they interpret that as playing hard-to-get... think they just need to be persistent, and when they happens they teeter closer to "stalker" territory in her mind, even though they're not stalkers... they just aren't socially calibrated enough to recognize her IODs (which I know from experience are not very subtle).

The thing that's starting to bother me is she likes to talk about guys being interested in her wayyyy too much... can't decide if it's a front to compensate for insecurity (she was a late bloomer), or she's trying to play it as a power card, or what. Could be both. I have developed an aloofness since I've gotten better with women that can cause them to go into emotional self-defense mode... maybe this is a facet of it I've just never experienced before.