Is this indicative of bigger problems?

[rhcp83]

My sex drive seems to be all over the place and I'm not sure if I just really, really need to get laid or it's indicative of bigger problems.

Most of the time, if you were to ask me what I want, I'd say a girlfriend that I'm really physically attracted to and have a good connection with. Then there are spurts where my sex drive gets out of control and I go to extremes and go on pof and just try to find anyone to have sex with, then end up regretting it.

I'm wondering if I just need a consistent sex life (whether dating, LTR or a friend with benefits) or if the weird changes in mood (as regards to sex) is indicative of maybe a hormone level problem.

I was at a bar/club type place a month ago and was dancing with a girl and put my hand under one of the boobs out of the blue. My friend came to my defense and said I was drunk even though I was perfectly sober and was just trying to test my limits of what I could do.

I'm a "virgin" as I've mentioned in other posts - have done everything sexually but penetration but not in almost 3 years, and seem to crave touching a woman no matter what mood I'm in sexually.

As far as groping the girl, since I like touching women, is this what's going to happen when I'm not getting it after a while? Masturbation doesn't do a damn good when you want to touch a woman.

Or is the answer just finding a regular sex partner (whether it be FWB, dating or LTR) and getting it out of my system and at the moment I have foreplay and sex on a pedestal since I've never had the sex and haven't had the foreplay in a while?

Also, what's up with the all or nothing as far as either thinking about romance or sex and no middle ground? Is it just lack of experience?

 

[CuriousGirl]

I don't think it's a hormone problem, it's just hormones full stop. Nothing wrong with that. You just need to get laid, that's all. Just flirt with lots of girls whenever you're out and you will pull at some point I'm sure.

And what do you mean by all or nothing? All or nothing of what?

 

[rhcp83]

By all or nothing I mean I seem to think about romance/potential love without sex, or sex without romance/potential love.

Like I'll see a lot of women I'd love to date, but have no desire to sleep with them. The girl I dated/fooled around with years ago, she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen (by my standards) but I felt no desire to f*** her even when we were fooling around. In fact I remember finding everything but the kissing and human contact factor overrated. (Note: I still would have had sex with her, the reason we didn't was me being needy and her breaking it off with me due to being a needy b1tch at the time that wanted to be around her 24/7.)

Then I'll see women that I probably wouldn't want to date (we wouldn't be a match) but would want to have sex with.

I feel completely hopeless about meeting and attracting either type at the moment. I don't want to complain or turn this into a pity post, I just really do feel hopeless. And I NEED not want the physical contact of a woman. Not need in a food, clothing, shelter way, but a strong 1b.

I spend my life making and deleting pof profiles. I've been on the site 3 and a half years (off and on) and have nothing to show for it. The first girl I dated I met by mistake almost on facebook...we graduated high school together and knew each other by face then hit it off on facebook/the phone and found each other attractive, then met after a short while. The other girl I met was on okcupid, and she was a random profile that didn't sound like the other 99.9 percent of profiles on dating sites and we hit it off instantly.

I don't even care about the emotional connection at the moment within reason. I can wait for love (also maybe the reason I separate sex and love is not having the actual intercourse before and needing experience) but the physical contact, I'd trade anything but my family for it.

 

[rhcp83]

I've come close to doing a lot of desperate things...meeting an unknown warpig off pof in a motel, asking my friend to borrow money for a high class escort, begging women on pof that aren't my type at all to meet then regretting it and deleting my profile only to make a new one.

(Note I wasn't doing this sort of thing before I experienced foreplay. I wanted women, but since I had no idea what a woman's body felt like, it wasn't like this.)

 

[wait_out]

Well here you're in convoluted waters, since sexual health and emotional health are actually holistic rather than separate pieces.

Changing sex drive is often indicative of issues (depression, burnout, etc) you might need to work out. Plus feeling up a girl (if she didn't put you up to it) is socially unacceptable and socially successful, well-calibrated people don't make mistakes like that. Socially uncalibrated people can end up pretty lonely. Am i anywhere close to the mark?

1) I'm not going to tell you to go out and join a club. You need to rewire your brain for health by sensing negative thoughts and moods, then forcing yourself onto a different track. You have to do this alone, it's a self-control function.

2) Don't use your time ineffectively. Make one profile and keep it, stand by your truest self-image. Do this so you don't treat your social interactions as disposable and you can use the judgements of others as navigational markers. Then work on all the pieces (sleep, nutrition, exercise, style, grooming/hygiene, social grace, etc) that mature people can handle. Your mild depression/OCD -- get it out of your system as much as possible. Knowing you take good care of yourself can be a point of pride and you need that.

3) Your social interactions will only be successful once you're attractive and don't red flag yourself. So if you're lonely -- focus on being the guy people want around. Self-improve. Have you noticed most humans want to party with the beautiful/young/rich/outgoing and not anybody with problems? Not going to change in 2012. That's why attractive, socially adept people can swan into a new town and make friends while long-term residents with issues can struggle. If you have issues, you probably won't hide them for long. Women are very perceptive.

4) Emotionally needy can lead to problems for women dating you, and/or you getting stuck in a bad relationships and bad patterns. Change this ASAP by living a more fulfilling life, even just by yourself. Have some pride for christ's sakes. Putting the abstract concept of love before anything else is trouble too but that's a different post.

If you still can't get a grip on yourself... sit down, write out a plan, and then FOLLOW IT. Try for 12 weeks, to be who you want to be (not fvcking around on POF right?). Treat it like an exercise program. Once you finalize that plan -- you are its slave for 12 weeks, and you don't back out. Follow through. You can change almost everything about your life now -- your eyesight through LASIK, your face through plastic surgery, your body through exercise, your outlook on life through thinking, your financial situation through effort -- but rhcp83 what the hell are your actually looking for? If you want to get laid just call a spade a spade. Don't overcomplicate life.

 

[omkara]

I don't think it's a hormone problem, it's just hormones full stop. Nothing wrong with that.

Read the forum rules you entitled piece of s***. You're not allowed to post here unless you are over 25. You don't get special privileges here just because you are female.

You just need to get laid, that's all. Just flirt with lots of girls whenever you're out and you will pull at some point I'm sure.

That's easy for you to say. All you have to do is sit on your ass and wait for guys to come up to you, and pick which ones you like. Show some respect for people who actually have to WORK for what they get.

 

[rhcp83]

I have depression and mild OCD and am bad socially, but what I've found is, if a girl finds you physically attractive/likes you, she will overlook that stuff. I was on a pof date two weeks ago and was nervous as hell, more so than usual because it was my first date since that girl I dated in Dec 2011, and she wanted a second meet up, wasn't judging me. (We live too far away for me to care and she didn't seem like the type that would put out anytime soon.)

Also the first girl I dated was easily an 8 by anyone's scale on here and dated me despite my complete lack of experience at the time and not having a job at the time.

So not all people care about the small details as long as you aren't a negative nancy...are fun to be around/outgoing etc. I'm socially awkward, but I'm talkative.

That's the good news, while I do care about physical attraction, I'm at least a 6 in looks (6 ft 180 good looking face) and I generally don't like the sex and the city, overdressed preppy types even for sex so even though I'm picky don't have outrageous standards. The first girl I dated was very attractive but she dressed regular/was down to earth etc and that's what I like whether I want dating or sex.

The depression is under control now due to a med change, which made the horniness worse now that I'm happy.

I'm going on a vacation in the spring/summer and am confident I can meet someone there whether by meeting girls on dating sites in advance and playing the numbers game or just by meeting locals when I'm there, but that isn't soon enough.

The one thing I'm picky about is T n A. I like a girl that has natural curves...don't like the whole paris hilton body. I'd almost rather settle in the face for a busty girl than the other way around.

Here are some pics of me (and yes these are me, I'm nerdier in person than the pics give off, and these pics don't seem to get much luck anyway on pof from anything but fatties.)

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...18991592_100000686481907_776963_7929216_o.jpg

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/IMG_16322-1.jpg

(not my car lol)

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...365072454_1053225896_2761020_1934180175_n.jpg

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...8168897611_1053225896_2717359_986518863_o.jpg

(brother is a professional photographer and took those last two pics)

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/_MG_1501.jpg

(met that girl at virginia beach two summers ago, from turkey...that's the funny thing...she's better than 99 percent of the women that don't give me the time of day, and messages me all the time on facebook and tells me how much she misses me.)

 

[wait_out]

Yeah but you're qualifying yourself to me. That's not attractive! You didn't need to do that at all!

plus you're going off topic left and right! Is this thread about horniness? Or POF and desperation? Or your looks? I'm getting very confused OP.

Your problem might not be the gym, it might more be laziness (too easy to surf the net and dating sites) or insecurity (bad thinking habits, won't approach). Either way, you still need to recognize a weakness, then develop a plan to mitigate it. that's not a criticism -- it's how we deal with almost any area to deliberately change in life.

If you really do have it all together, just get out of the house. POF can be fun but it's not a time-effective way to date. You can usually judge sexual compatibility in anywhere from minutes to a 1/2 hour. You can't do that remotely and a blind date is a significant time commitment. My 2c

 

[rhcp83]

but rhcp83 what the hell are your actually looking for? If you want to get laid just call a spade a spade. Don't overcomplicate life.

That's a good question and a loaded one. Ultimately, I'd like a girlfriend that I'm attracted to, have feelings for and all that stuff, but now isn't the time. I'm on the right meds for the first time in a long time and want to make sure it's the real deal and is going to help my depression for the long haul. I also am likely moving in the summer. So now isn't the time for that. I want to get my sh1t together before that unless it were to just happen on its own.

What I want in the short term, i.e. ASAP is sex but I'd love a girl with a body that just drives me crazy. Like I said, for sex I'm much more lenient on a girl's face and more focused on her body. I believe in animal instinct and that we're sexually attracted to certain women for a reason. I tend to like the thin hourglass type figure, or at the very least a girl with a big pair of t1ts that isn't fat or a big ass when it comes to sexual attraction.

I'm at a loss of where to meet women at the moment and I guess I'm unable to wait to get laid. Couple that with the fact that I started working out again and the sex drive will probably be even higher.

I will admit btw that I like the challenge of all of this...finding a girl my sexual type and bedding her. But when there's no pond to fish in, it defeats the purpose.

I plan on going on another vacation like I think I mentioned, maybe getting a few prospects on dating sites to build rapport with/meet when I'm down there, as well as meeting new women when I'm there, but that won't be until at least April and more likely June. Can't wait that long.

 

[wait_out]

rhcp, I am going to be a jerk and say there's a lot of social errors in your post you need to work on. This should be your focus.

1) You don't complain, self pity or talk about neediness (emotional or sexual) or your mental health issues. Deal with it, but don't talk about it. Strangers don't need to know all your problems.

2) Here's a good place to meet woman -- a revolving door at the mall. Or a bus seat. You just need the social skills to bridge any awkwardness. What would you think about a guy hanging out in a revolving door trying to talk to every girl passing through, though? Creepy, right?

3) You don't dehumanize women even as you objectify them. Nice face, hourglass figure -- but where's the awareness of her personality? Even a little thing, like playful in bed, which is a personality trait? Girls like sex, but don't want to be a flesh+blood sex toy! That's how you come across!

4) Just meet people when you're on vacation. Focus on the here and now. If you are socially calibrated, you won't need to "warm up" your prospects. Internet messaging does not build trust and rapport, you need to do it in person. IMO it's a waste of your time which could be better spent elsewhere.

You'd benefit from the DJ bible boot camp. Read these links too:

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/Downloads/djbc.pdf
http://www.succeedsocially.com/
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-not-be-creepy-guy
http://www.girlschase.com/content/archive-ultimate-social-calibration-stop-climbing-social-ladder

A lot of guys focus on approach anxiety as their problem, then force themselves into it compulsively. This is really, really putting the cart before the horse though if you can't convey a positive social impression in seconds. Who realistically enjoys getting blown out? In my opinion think less about being horny and think more about how to deliver what women want. Sex is reciprocal in any good relationship anyway, from a 1-night stand to a marriage.

I may be wrong, I have an incomplete picture of your life, but that is my quick impression from your post history. You'll have to do it on your own though! I won't give you more advice in this thread. You keep telling me I'm way off the mark anyway, right?

 

[rhcp83]

I'm probably painting a much worse picture than it is. Like I said, if I go on a random pof blind date and the girl brings up on her own meeting again, I'm doing something right.

I can also make convo/ask out random women. Where I fail is in seduction. Have no "game" whatsoever.

I can talk to people fine, old, young, men, women. But when my intentions aren't genuine, i.e. I'm out to get laid (which many men on this forum are) I just don't have "game."

If you would have to point a weakness in general, like I said, it would be attracting a girl that doesn't already like me/make things easy, improvising...and also when I'm with the girl, unless it just happens naturally after several dates, transitioning into kissing and such.

I'm past the first level. I'm stuck after that.

I did all the things with the first girl because she liked me and didn't care about my lack of suaveness or game and we'd just start fooling around. That won't cut it in most situations.


Btw, I don't mention personality because for sex other than a basic connection, it's not needed if it's casual.

For dating/relationship, the connection/personality is very, very important. But at the moment I'm looking for sex and care more about sexual attraction than some deep emotional connection. (Yes I'm aware both can exist at the same time, but not necessarily looking for that at the moment.)

Btw are you a girl?

 

[Slickster]

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...18991592_100000686481907_776963_7929216_o.jpg

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/IMG_16322-1.jpg

(not my car lol)

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...365072454_1053225896_2761020_1934180175_n.jpg

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/...8168897611_1053225896_2717359_986518863_o.jpg

(brother is a professional photographer and took those last two pics)

http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/_MG_1501.jpg

(met that girl at virginia beach two summers ago, from turkey...that's the funny thing...she's better than 99 percent of the women that don't give me the time of day, and messages me all the time on facebook and tells me how much she misses me.)

Let me give you some truth and advice....

1. You are a good looking guy. You should have no problems getting girls based on your looks alone. The fact that you aren't getting girls means your problems lie elsewhere.

2. You could benefit with some style changes particularly fashion. Stop wearing V-neck t-shirts that hang off of you like a sack. Those baggy t-shirts look slouchy and are the exact opposite of sexy. Find a more form fitting t-shirt that shows off your body. The sleeves of these t-shirts are shorter and tighter around your biceps. The body of the shirt is tighter around your chest and waist. Overall length is short enough to show your butt.

This may seem like a minor detail but you will be blown away at the difference in reaction you will get from women wearing a simple sexy t-shirt vs. a baggy sack.

You also need to start working out more. You don't have to be huge, just muscular and fit.

3. I don't even know you from a hole in the ground but I already know that you need to be more relaxed and funny. How do I know this? I know this from what I said in #1. You are good looking enough to attract plenty of women just on looks alone. If you were the type of guy who could really make people laugh and have fun you would be downright unstoppable and wouldn't have these problems. This is an extremely common problem for many good looking guys. They just haven't developed their personalities, charm, charisma, social skills, etc to take full advantage of their looks. Many of my good friends fall into this category.

4. In my opinion the best advice for you to get to where you want to be the quickest is to find a LTR. You won't become a womanizing sensation overnight and you obviously need to get laid over and over until your desperation, and anxiety about it are under control. Ideally this will be a girl who is actually LESS attractive than what you actually want. You need a girl who is "beneath" you looks-wise who will REALLY appreciate you and allow you to develop confidence.

If you try to become a player right away and target only the hot chicks you will fail over and over again. Baby steps at first.

5. Lose the sexual agenda. In my experience there are two types of DJ's. One is the kind of guy who sets out looking for sex and chases women around looking for one that will give it up. The other type is the guy who sets out to have fun and be the best guy he can be. This guy doesn't chase women, they chase him. Which guy would you rather be?


The girl from Turkey proves my point exactly. Tweak your looks, adjust your attitude, and improve your social skills. These are all "easy" things to work on. You just have to do it.

 

[rhcp83]

Well I do exercise (I stopped for a few months) but that pic of me in the gray hat...I'd been working out for several months there and you can tell my arms are bigger than the other pics. The rest of the pics (minus the two model shots my brother took) are 2010.

I took up the weight lifting/exercising again now that I'm out of my funk.

I appreciate the compliments, but I think you're overdoing the good looking guy thing. I personally find myself attractive, no confidence issue here, but women do not check me out or eye fvck me or anything. To be qualified as "good looking" at least where I live you have to be some man in uniform or shirtless guy with a straw hat or cowboy or super jacked guy or super tall. Good news is I'm moving sometime this year, likely in the summer or fall though but that doesn't help me right now.

Not a lot of hangouts locally, and women here love douches, and the kind of 5-6-7s you see are the douchey kind that think they're 10s, not the cute, modest type that would be good girlfriends. The two girls I dated are flukes in this area.

IMO, the best option is a vacation (Women like the turkish girl are commonplace in a warm climate or populated area and women are generally nicer and more receptive. Here, since it's a small town, you get girls that think they sh1t ice cream since most of the women here are dogmeat) but a vacation doesn't allow help me short term as it will be april at the soonest and more likely june-ish.

What I might do is go into Boston and just sarge there. At least you get quality and quantity even if the proximity isn't there.

 

[rhcp83]

I can wait for the actual sex for a couple reasons 1.)Obviously I've never had actual intercourse so no idea what I'm missing out on. 2.)Have a low sex drive anyway.

What I can't wait for is the kissing/touching/tit play/ass play.

IMO, dating without that stuff from a very early time in is just friendship. I couldn't wait more than a few dates for that stuff. That's what I crave anyway. If it were just about busting a load, I can get myself off better than any woman probably could.

 

[Slickster]

I appreciate the compliments, but I think you're overdoing the good looking guy thing. I personally find myself attractive, no confidence issue here, but women do not check me out or eye fvck me or anything. To be qualified as "good looking" at least where I live you have to be some man in uniform or shirtless guy with a straw hat or cowboy or super jacked guy or super tall. Good news is I'm moving sometime this year, likely in the summer or fall though but that doesn't help me right now.

Not a lot of hangouts locally, and women here love douches, and the kind of 5-6-7s you see are the douchey kind that think they're 10s, not the cute, modest type that would be good girlfriends. The two girls I dated are flukes in this area.

IMO, the best option is a vacation (Women like the turkish girl are commonplace in a warm climate or populated area and women are generally nicer and more receptive. Here, since it's a small town, you get girls that think they sh1t ice cream since most of the women here are dogmeat) but a vacation doesn't allow help me short term as it will be april at the soonest and more likely june-ish.

What I might do is go into Boston and just sarge there. At least you get quality and quantity even if the proximity isn't there.

Well if you have low self esteem about your looks I'm certainly not going to continue to try and convince you otherwise.

Know that all the excuses you have posted above are just excuses. Your problem lies in your attitude towards yourself, your location, and sex itself. Your obsession with sex would definitely come off as super creepy if that is the vibe you are giving off.

I'm sure if you and I were to swap bodies but keep our own minds I would do just fine in your town and you would struggle in mine. Just last night I was hanging with a good friend and listened to him whine about all the same sh!t you are. Small town, low quality women, blah, blah, blah...... Ironically this guy is extremely good looking and over the years I've had many women tell me so. Meanwhile myself and my other friend there are not nearly as handsome but we've had our pick of hotties over the years. Why? We are both fun and outgoing and he is socially handicapped by his own fears and insecurities. If you are decent looking it IS that easy. There is no magic.

A good friend (who is a woman) gave me some great advice once. There's something about a guy who thinks he's hot that just makes him hot. I'm not saying walk around all day like an arrogant d!ck but if you don't think of yourself as attractive, why would anyone else?

 

[rhcp83]

I don't think I'm unattractive. I think I'm in the 6-7 range as far as looks go. I just don't ever see women checking me out ever, so I feel that I'm unwanted by the majority of women.

If you swaped bodies with me, you'd likely go to Boston. I live about 40 minutes from there, but it's filled with all types of women and lots of stuff to do.

My immediate area is as dreary as it seems. I have better looking friends (by women's standards and get more reception) that get weird looks when they cold approach women in this area nowhere as attractive as them. Put them in Boston, they're getting better results from better quality/better looking women.

But yes I will admit if I wanted it bad enough I would find a way and would lose the stubborness and go into Boston and make a second job out of finding a girlfriend and making the long distance work or at least a girl to fvck my type.

The creepy super horny thing...women don't notice guys they don't want to date/fvck. So it has nothing to do with vibe. Like I said, I was nervous as hell and socially awkward on my last date, and she still wanted to meet up again because she was interested.

One girl might find awkwardness "cute" (especially if you pass her looks test) while another might find it "creepy." I'm a guy with social anxiety, and am not out to impress anyone. I'm not using that as a back-out...I'm quite talkative and social. My point is if a girl doesn't like me, her problem, not mine. Unlike a lot of guys on this site, I don't chase women that have low or no interest. I'm not captivated by "the chase." The best feeling in the world is when a woman has her clothes off and is letting you touch her, not because you have money/big muscles/status/fast talking game, but because she likes the real you.

(Note: Like I said I work out, but I do it for me. I want to be the best me I can be. While I will admit, it's nice when women notice "You've been working out" I like the burn when you lift and I like keeping active. I think guys that work out plainly for women or to conform to what shallow women want are pathetic.)

 

[scrouds]

anxiety? Try a paleo diet.

 

[ilikecharlene]

It often works in cycles, and is natural physiologically.

But sometimes, if somebody is desperate for a relationship, then it can lend to horniness.

 

[Slickster]

I don't think I'm unattractive. I think I'm in the 6-7 range as far as looks go. I just don't ever see women checking me out ever, so I feel that I'm unwanted by the majority of women.

If you swaped bodies with me, you'd likely go to Boston. I live about 40 minutes from there, but it's filled with all types of women and lots of stuff to do.

My immediate area is as dreary as it seems. I have better looking friends (by women's standards and get more reception) that get weird looks when they cold approach women in this area nowhere as attractive as them. Put them in Boston, they're getting better results from better quality/better looking women.

But yes I will admit if I wanted it bad enough I would find a way and would lose the stubborness and go into Boston and make a second job out of finding a girlfriend and making the long distance work or at least a girl to fvck my type.

The creepy super horny thing...women don't notice guys they don't want to date/fvck. So it has nothing to do with vibe. Like I said, I was nervous as hell and socially awkward on my last date, and she still wanted to meet up again because she was interested.

One girl might find awkwardness "cute" (especially if you pass her looks test) while another might find it "creepy." I'm a guy with social anxiety, and am not out to impress anyone. I'm not using that as a back-out...I'm quite talkative and social. My point is if a girl doesn't like me, her problem, not mine. Unlike a lot of guys on this site, I don't chase women that have low or no interest. I'm not captivated by "the chase." The best feeling in the world is when a woman has her clothes off and is letting you touch her, not because you have money/big muscles/status/fast talking game, but because she likes the real you.

(Note: Like I said I work out, but I do it for me. I want to be the best me I can be. While I will admit, it's nice when women notice "You've been working out" I like the burn when you lift and I like keeping active. I think guys that work out plainly for women or to conform to what shallow women want are pathetic.)

Sounds like you got it all figured out.

 

[rhcp83]

I don't, no one does. What I'm doing is just making better use of pof, not wasting my time with low interest or getting in fights with AWs, and just paying attention to any women that aren't completely ugly by my standards and perhaps settling for the first time within reason.

But I do know myself better than you do. I take good pics, but they are misleading.