How do I get away from judgemental people when I have to be with them?

[loving]

There are unfortunately a lot of judgemental people in my life. There is a part of me I know I control, and am constantly learning to better understand and control my own mood. Part of this is judgement in and for myself (also for others from myself) and so perhaps the removal of that trait from my own emotional system will fix this problem for me. Perhaps not, I seek to you for your experience!

There are a lot of people who I have to be around that are judgemental and are actually verbally judging me on a regular basis. A few kids on school in my class, and worst of all my parents. I have to be around these people, what can I do to stop the effects their judgement has on me? It is constant every day and filled with hatred. Moreover, is dealing with them the same as dealing with this kind of verbal judgement when it comes out of the blue from someone I am not in a pattern with? Will my theory in the 1st paragraph work?

Thank you for your time energy and advice

Bless us all,
Chris

 

[Dstructor]

I don't remember ever succeeding in "getting rid" of something; it's like information, you can't Un-learn or un-see something you already did

That's part of the marketing that "gurus" use: "The best way to get rid of approach anxiety" and they go on describing AA in full detail till you become anxious of having approach anxiety

You said you wanted to get rid of judgmental people in your life and the judgmental trait in you. When i was feeling judgmental it was mostly a symptom of an issue or anxiety
For example when i was judgmental at geeks or those who don't "get it" (in whatever, not just seduction) looking deeper i felt that at some point in my life i felt like i'm like that person and got teased and bullied for it. Not only that but i also blamed myself for being so naive coz if i wasn't they wouldn't have teased me

My parents for example telling me sex is wrong and i FIGHT back saying it's natural and trying to convince them otherwise...why would i do that unless i myself believed that sex is bad/wrong and trying to get it out of my head

So, first step to making peace with that matter (instead of fighting it) would be to be aware when you're being judgmental, don't fight it or stop it but rather take a deeper look and ask yourself "What am i being judgmental about ?"

Once you're satisfied with the answer (that's important) ask yourself "Why ? and what goal did i have in mind from fighting this or trying to escape it ?"

Usually i'd find that my goal was peace of mind or giving & getting love. Once i realized what i wanted things to be like AFTER i "win"; instead of trying to achieve that emotion through changing what i don't want/like into what i want/like...i'd first open myself that this person/thing is just different (and being aware of it's uniqueness and difference) and maybe get an idea of what i want and pursue it instead

Example: Seeing a really skinny girl i get turned off and disgusted. I'd take a moment, a deep breath and realize what does "skinny" mean (smaller space ? maybe as a sign of a less zest for life ?) and from that meaning i would see what i really want and get intouch with how i feel about it

So, if you're angry that someone you're not in pattern with first become aware of what you're doing/thinking then what's not in pattern with you and THEN get an idea or an example of how it would feel if someone was in pattern with you

I'm sorry if it seems complicated or so much work but try it right now on anything once you geniuinely feel that you're ewwwing from it.
And like my P.S Professor says: if you get it you got it and if you don't get it forget it

Peace

 

[everywomanshero]

Here is what I think based on your description of situation.

There is a cycle that I've heard people describe over and over again.

Judgement (or fear of judgement) results in conflict avoidance, anxiety, and non-assertiveness ( which can be combined with infrequent, inappropriate outbursts or total withdrawl). The avoidance of conflict or lack of assertion keeps one anxious regaridng what others might do and how one will feel or react in response to these actions.

I think there are severak key things to keep in mind:

1) Although genetics can predispose one to certain anxieties, environmental factors are cheifly responsible for causing the actual thought processes and emotions that one is experiencing. Therefore, it is not one's fault that he/she feels a desire to avoid conflict or assertiveness. However, at this point in time, he or she is the only one who has the power do anything about it. Such a person is not responsible for the situation, but is responsible for correcting the situation, if it is to be corrected at all.

2) We live in a society *at least those of us in Eurocentric societies* where passing explicit judgement of another is often tolerated. Therefore, it will never be possible to entirely avoid such situations. That is why conflict avoidance and non-assertive behaviors are problematic. They are not inherintly negative, but they are simply problematic in Western context. In Japan it is said that the nail that stands out is hammered down, whereas in the US it is said that the sqeaky wheel gets the greese. Nonetheless, it is useful to one's self-esteem to be able to assert oneself effectively and be heard. Though the deaf ear may never hear your words, you will still know you spoke them.

3) One must understand that he is intrinsicly good. One doesn't need to acheive or accomplish anything to be good. This is one of the most anxiety causing lies ever told, that one has to acheive some minimum to-do list of accomplishments before he can feel good about himself. You are fine just the way you are, anything you decide to do or any direction you choose to move in is just that, a choice or occurance. You value is always strong, and you're always good and worthy irrespective of what paths in life you choose to follow. Understanding this will greatly reduce the anxiety one feels regarding his/her future.

4) Certain behaviors are truly unacceptable and inappropriate. In some power relations, such as parent-child, the offender may continue such actions despite your objections. However, it is still respectful to assert oneself and voice his/her objections to such treatment. A basic right as a human being is to be respected and no relationship voids such a right.

 

[classy broadside]

We form judgments in order to understand the world. It's part of human nature to decide how we stand in the world. But some people short circuit careful and neutral consideration, and prop themselves up on an artificial position. They decide that something is plain wrong or evil, and judge everything else by that standard. But it's just a coping mechanism for their ignorance and frustration.

And have you ever noticed that some people repeat over and over again how they're open-minded? They're actually the ones who seem most judgmental. Do you see the irony? They judge being judgmental as bad, so as much as they run away from seeming judgmental, they become even more evangelical.

The key to improving and rising above this pettiness is being able to critically think for yourself. Never stop thinking. Never assume that you're absolutely right. Be honest with yourself and strive to learn about the world. Understand how your emotions play a part in your decision-making. And understand that some people are virulently judgmental only because it's how they see and cope with the world, so just stay away from them and don't let their negativity affect you too much.

 

[classy broadside]

I want to post separately about your parents --

Your parents are unique in that they're responsible for setting boundaries and teaching you what is right and wrong. They are biologically, socially, and legally required to set boundaries, guide and judge your actions and learning. You must accept that as a fact of life, and respect their viewpoints.

In assuming that you're a minor, I can empathize with your position. I once hated how dead set my parents were about many things, but now I know that they mean the best for their child. Appreciate what they do for you and their intentions, even if you feel bad about being judged. It's just part of growing up.

And look at it this way: one day in the distant future, when you have kids, won't you need to raise them the same way? Won't you need to set boundaries, lay down the rules, and guide, judge, and teach them what you believe is the best? How would you feel if your child resents and rebels?

 

[Dstructor]

I was going to post something but it got deleted...here it goes

I like everywomanshero's post; really descriptive and elegantly put

What i like to add is my experience with judgment which is in summary that when i noticed myself judging someone ("he's such a wuss" "He's going to fail lulz") and took a deeper look at it i wasn't judging this guy; i was judging MYSELF when i resembled (eg: wussy behavior) this guy in the past

Why was i judging ? Coz i hated myself and blamed the reaction of people and girls on my action and by judging and attacking i was actually denying and trying to get away from the blame and the past and most importantly...part of who i am

So, how to break that cycle ?
Trying to run away from being judgmental is futile. What i did was simply notice and take detailed notes about the situations where i found myself being judgmental and ponder those (maybe write it down after i go home) and see the reason behind WHY i thought this way or felt the way i felt

Sometimes i'm reminded by a past experience i haven't fully accepted yet and other times i was simply judging/rejecting what i don't like coz i'm not fully aware of my desire
Ex: Dissing skinny chicks as opposed to enjoying thick ones and being aware of how i feel about them

That's what i'm doing to break the cycle; connecting to my desire and intention

PS: about the parents part, i totally agree; even if all they do is limit you then at least they give you something to grow over and evolve from

 

[loving]

Thank you Dstructor, and everyone who has posted here so far. Your posts are all very informative and offer me a wealth of information as I'm sure you no doubt know. I plan after this post to take a look at the things I do and try to analyze them with your formula, I'll post back here after a few, hopefully I have success.

On another forum I was asked to post a detailed example of what I mean, and I posted two. In this post are a few important realizations I made about my behavior, and that I would really like opinions on as well as the rest:

With my parents I'm now realizing more and more that their comments are such to help me, and your input has helped calm me when I think of such events. It seems the determining factor there was anger clouding my vision. Perhaps such could be the same with my peers.. (thanks very much to you guys for helping me understand this)

It is mainly these 2 guys in my classes (all but 1 of my classes) and who I see together constantly around the school. When there is nothing to make fun of, they will make fun of my weight. Otherwise, they will make fun of just random things I do. When I make an action, for instance, do something like drink water "how much water will he drink", clean my shoe off "whisper whisper hahahahahhahahahaha" look up and theyre laughing at me. Sometimes from them I'll hear random snickering and look and theyll be looking at me. When I look at them its like the tension I feel around others times 100. Its always been some kind of bully since grade 7, these are the latest and the only now. Its gotten to a point where it doesn't even matter if they're actually making fun of me or not - I hear their laughs and feel bad. Also, and this is important, when I laugh or enjoy something myself - or feel really really good really quickly - it is ruined soon or instantly by a feeling of "cancellation" like I don't deserve to feel good..

When I see people its basically in two categories, the people I want to meet and those I dont. Those I do want to meet are basically limited to girls I feel attraction towards, I think my experiences with all male bullies for the past 6 years may have done something towards my want for male friends, although I do have a few our relationships are in decline. Those girls I wanna meet usually (and these beliefs have been changed by me into what they are now) I think they want to meet me too, and recently since I have been saying "Girls I like want to seduce me" more and more girls have been coming up to me all the time. The people I don't want to meet - everyone else, I feel has some negative intention somehow to me, or they themselves are feeling bad.

Yesterday I went to a mall behind my school and saw 3 people frm my school - 2 who currently go there but are in the "i have no interest in" category and the other in the same category who doesn't go there anymore - two girls and one gay guy(admittedly). So I order my food and sit away from them, watch tv and mind my business. I go up to get my food and I start putting condiments on my food and some asian guy who was there commented on them and said "haha you know how to eat" and gave me a pat on the back. Then some more small chat but I wasn't really into chatting - in fact when these people, girls included, come up and talk to me, I'm not much for convo whether I wanna be or not, its like hard to go from thinking to acting - and I went to eat my food. About 5 minutes later I hear the voice of one of the girls shouting "Loner!" at me.

Bless us all,
Chris

 

[DJVladdy]

Perhaps..

INSTEAD OF worrying about people judging/not judging you, you can listen WHY they judge you - and put your mind and body into improving yourself to the point where you won't be judged.

 

[edu11]

A judgment is an opinion. Everyone judges to some degree. Nobody seems to have a problem with positive opinions. It's the negative ones that bother people. But how can there be positive judgments without negative ones? How can you like two opposite things? You can't.

IMHO those who speak of judgmental people are those who can't easily deal with rejection. I, on the other hand, am extremely... reluctant towards "open-minded" people because if these people truly don't reject anything, they also don't accept anything. That means that they are neutral towards everything, which is very unlikely. These people are usually hypocrites.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

This too is and has been a problem for me,worrying about judgement,when I realize I shouldn't,cause people for the most part seem to be positive around me,and judging people. Yes,I claim to be open minded,but can be rather bitter,harsh,and judging toward's certain types of people,esp when people are overjoyed and enthusiastic,it's like I want to knock them down a few levels.

I try not to be,but I feel if I dislike something,or can't stand something,I should be able to say it,without caring how anyone else says or feels.

"IMHO those who speak of judgmental people are those who can't easily deal with rejection. I, on the other hand, am extremely... reluctant towards "open-minded" people because if these people truly don't reject anything, they also don't accept anything. That means that they are neutral towards everything, which is very unlikely. These people are usually hypocrites."

That's sort of me.

"conflict avoidance, anxiety, and non-assertiveness" That is/has been a problem,but it's gotten better in some ways. I have been getting anxiety attacks lately,which range from mild to severe. It's happened before.

Or,if I am not as judgemental,I try to find ways to tear someone down. It has been literal and in my own mind before.

I've got more to say for some feedback,so I will post it later.

 

[edu11]

You sound a lot like me dude. I'm on the path to change now. Get on it too.

I was a very good student in college but mentally i was unstable (the reasons are not important). I tried to study hard and battled my addictions and my psychological flaws. I always felt i wasn't good enough and i took pleasure when something bad happened to another person. One year ago i bit more than i could chew and i failed almost all my classes. I was devastated and fell into depression. I was ashamed of facing my parents, i didn't want to go out of the house and didn't want to open a book again.

After 4 months of doing absolutely nothing i bought a book on psychology and started studying. At first i thought that all that stuff was too theoretical. But this book changed my way of thinking. By seeing the scientific analysis of my personality i saw that i was following a path that would inevitably lead to destruction.

What i learned from this book:

- This hostility i felt towards successful people was triggered by my insecurity and stress. I had the problem, not them.

- Aggressive people (like i used to be) feel that their environment is somehow "attacking" them. What is really happening is that they are the ones who first display signs of hostility.

- Stress and anger are like brother and sister. You must get rid of them both at all costs. They cause medical problems (i'm not kidding, search: type A personality) and people will avoid you like the plague.

- Hard work and emotional stability are crucial to success in life.

- There is something called the "self-serving bias" which basically is a tendency of humans to explain events in a way that protects their self-esteem. (e.g i was drunk, that's why i ****ed him, i was caught up in the moment). That's why people stay the same. They are unwilling to openly admit their mistakes.

Conclusion: YOUR ENEMY IS YOURSELF. IF YOU DEFEAT YOUR MIND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE

I speak like i've already done it (which i haven't) but i'm dead sure that this is the right path. Start fixing your life. Start NOW, even if you've wasted every single day of your life.

 

[loving]

I've got more to say for some feedback,so I will post it later.

Like I posted a thread for my issues I suggest you do the same.

Thanks again for your input guys I look forward to coming out of this positively and understand better that the future is in my hands.

My current question is yes, I know anger is bad. How do I deal with all those emotions I've held up? It feels like all my repressed anger has given me a complacancy and neutrality to life.

 

[kingman]

Be in a better mood, it is all about how good mood you are in................
(Good mood shows success +confidence = happy with yourself)

You can test it for yourself. Sleep 4 hours 2 days in a row and see how much more people are judging you than normal.

You can also get better dressed, this will give you results right away, people are scared of people who are better dressed than most others and treat them accordingly with more respect.

Those people who are reading this post, scan your past experiences and you will see that I am correct.