Help wd b much appreciated. It's driving me insane...

[mark123]

Hi everyone - I joined recently, after reading through various tips/threads in this forum.

Apologies for creating a "duplicate" thread for a problem that many existing threads/posts already target- but just wanted to get any and all comments/suggestions that people have. I am very new to this, so please excuse the "not this again"/AFC-like feeling that you might get here.

---
Met this girl online (my bar/club game sucks) & since work was overwhelming, interacted with her over emails/texts for a month. when we met, she literally threw herself at me at the end of date 1, and in true AFC style I met up with her almost everytime she suggested. We met frequently for about 3 weeks (~7 dates) and I banged her twice. I also really enjoyed her company.
Suddenly, she started acting different. She used to text me like crazy before (sometimes I held back to make it 'normal'). Her IL was evidentally very high. she would want to meet every few days, said sorry always etc

This is a selected transcript of our text convo after the last time I saw her (sorry if it's elaborate):

>> Day 1- day AFTER the last time I took her back to my place (she was going to stay over the prev night but had changed her mind)
- pretty regular texting. says she couldn't sleep since she was thinking. wouldn't say what. somewhat light banter
>> Day 2 - doesn't text
>> Day 3 - claims her phone had died. texts infrequently.
>> Day 4 - her: Sorry for being MIA. I think I need to figure some things out.
me: ok, i'll leave you alone till then
her: no i was really busy. and i do like you. just need to figure out what's going on with my life. don't want to start something that's going to be complicated. this motivates me not to stay over at your plc.
me: im not expecting anything from you. you don't have to stay if you dont want
her: I'm not saying this to get you out of my life or anything. im just hesitant bec i have to figure stuff out.
me: will i see you again?
her: of course you will see me again. you need to relax lol

agrees to meet and then flakes . after that sparingly replied to my next few messages before she stopped and i have been not making contact too (after 4 unanswered messages). this was almost 10 days ago.


My questions are:
1. Given the IL here and the time I've known her, does the "hold back contact" approach apply here?

2. I don't want to "crack" but also don't want to lose her. some women i've met confess they never contact a guy if he doesn't, thus risking losing it forever. basically she didn't initiate LJBF also yet. just vanished! this is what is bothering me and I really can't focus at work etc.

Does this warrant a "friendly" email/phonecall just hinting at the basic courtesy of not simply fading away after so much contact etc? I mean we're dealing with people/feelings here!


Thanks everyone for comments and help..
M

 

[Pimp-sicle]

First thing you will learn here, or should learn here is to NEVER, EVER EVER EVER put any stock in what a woman says, only judge them based upon their actions.

Her words say I'm still interested, her actions tell the truth.

Now you could sit here and speculate as to the reasons she went from hot to cold.

Maybe you didn't fuvk her good
Maybe you were too available
Maybe she wanted more of a challenge
Maybe she was dating other guys at the same time


Do you see how the above can lead you to mental masturbation island? Now with all that said, when i was learning all this stuff I always wanted to analyze my interactions with women, especially the situations that crashed and burned, so I could learn from my mistakes.

However without more detail in your story it will be tough for me to tell you exactly where things went astray.

In the mean time def DO NOT contact her anymore unless you want to communicate that you don't have any self worth and like being a human punching bag.

This girl is not interested and there's no point in trying to rescue a dead solider.




PIMP

 

[Tyson420]

Post a pic, not her FB. Just a pic, just want to see what made you behave like a sucker for love.

 

[MartyMcFly]

First thing you will learn here, or should learn here is to NEVER, EVER EVER EVER put any stock in what a woman says, only judge them based upon their actions.

Her words say I'm still interested, her actions tell the truth.

Now you could sit here and speculate as to the reasons she went from hot to cold.

Maybe you didn't fuvk her good
Maybe you were too available
Maybe she wanted more of a challenge
Maybe she was dating other guys at the same time


Do you see how the above can lead you to mental masturbation island? Now with all that said, when i was learning all this stuff I always wanted to analyze my interactions with women, especially the situations that crashed and burned, so I could learn from my mistakes.

However without more detail in your story it will be tough for me to tell you exactly where things went astray.

In the mean time def DO NOT contact her anymore unless you want to communicate that you don't have any self worth and like being a human punching bag.

This girl is not interested and there's no point in trying to rescue a dead solider.




PIMP

^^^ this

I'd also try the No contact, If she initiates contact again then ignore her. Blow her off is she wants to hang and just move on with life. This will make her go crazy and possibly raise IL and save what you've done by being too available.

You shouldn't have asked if you'll see her again, you need to be indifferent and not care.

Ex: Girl i know is friends with an ex of mine. She comes over to hang out, we hook up. She feels bad and next time i booty call her she is selling me some BS about how she can't do that to her friend how she really likes me blah blah blah. So I end communication for a few days. Got a text at 4 am today "I miss you." The hooking up shall continue from here.

 

[movistar]

First thing you will learn here, or should learn here is to NEVER, EVER EVER EVER put any stock in what a woman says, only judge them based upon their actions.

Her words say I'm still interested, her actions tell the truth.

Now you could sit here and speculate as to the reasons she went from hot to cold.

Maybe you didn't fuvk her good
Maybe you were too available
Maybe she wanted more of a challenge
Maybe she was dating other guys at the same time


Do you see how the above can lead you to mental masturbation island? Now with all that said, when i was learning all this stuff I always wanted to analyze my interactions with women, especially the situations that crashed and burned, so I could learn from my mistakes.

However without more detail in your story it will be tough for me to tell you exactly where things went astray.

In the mean time def DO NOT contact her anymore unless you want to communicate that you don't have any self worth and like being a human punching bag.

This girl is not interested and there's no point in trying to rescue a dead solider.



This is the perfect response to your question, it also answers my current issues as well.... great post!

 

[mahoney]

you are focusing too much on the time inbetween the dates, and not the dates themselves. i feel like i say the same thing too often on here but its really because its the same problem repeated over and over again (i really suggest you read other peoples threads and see what you think!)

why so many texts? you see someone on date 1 and then again some time later on date 2. both times are good....so why focusing so much on how many texts or messages are taking place inbetween? and not only that, why are you focusing on the frequency of these messages more than the content? are you keeping a score?

the problem is, instead of it being here is a nice time with that dude that was fun, then a bit of space and ANTICIPATION and then oh another good time with that dude actually i kinda like him ....that feeling of discovering about a person at your own pace - you're totally bypassing this whole stage! by completely accelerating way too fast - in other words you're putting the girl on the spot, effectively giving her an ultimatum "either you have high IL RIGHT NOW and we should be in a relationship or you have low IL" - but most of the time the girl is inbetween because girls decided about a dude much slower than other way round - because dudes base it all on looks so decide almost instantly whether they want the girl (and then basically thru their actions pressure the girl to do the same)

this totally sucks the fun out of a thing because instead of it being an exciting uncertain lets see where this goes type of thing, dude wants to solidify it into something almost straightaway, like trying to trap a bird in a cage - so acts overserious, earnest, needy, pressurizing - all completely different behavior to what got him the girl in the first place.

and then when the girl backs off from this overcontact, dude decides right - instead of overcontacting the whole time and bombarding her with these texts, i'll go....NC! oh dear, from one extreme to the other!...so now dude vanishes and somehow girl is supposed to miss the bombardment of needy and dull texts???

try not overcontacting in the first place and try not going NC in the second place...try not being so melodramatic and try being a bit more composed about all this

 

[mark123]

Thanks all who responded...really appreciate it.

However without more detail in your story it will be tough for me to tell you exactly where things went astray.
PIMP

I thought about it and I could narrow it down to 2 things:
One - and I am not embarrassed to admit bec you guys are here to help me - that the second time we fvcked, it wasn't so great. The first time had been mind-blowing, no exaggerations, and we cuddled for hours after that. This time though, we had had 2 bottles of wine and honestly my energy levels were low. It looked like she enjoyed it but I felt I was below my usual self. I made the BIGGG mistake of telling her this was on my mind and she brushed it off (the whole words v/s actions thing again here). We txted frequently next day but since after that has been how I described in OP.
Two - there's a strong chance she will move to another city for work miles away. She had told me that a day before we met. That was the "complicated" part she was talking about.

 

[mark123]

Thanks, mahoney.

try not overcontacting in the first place and try not going NC in the second place...try not being so melodramatic and try being a bit more composed about all this

I guess it's too late for the first part (too much overcontact) - but are you saying that still shouldn't go the complete opp way and be NC? Thanks

 

[mark123]

bump for advice...

 

[thevilittletroll]

you hung out with her everytime she suggested. you are no longer a challege to her. she could have you whenever she wanted. this happens to newbies generally because they have no other options. she probably knew that pretty quickly. if you dont have any other options, get some, or act as if you do. fake it until you make it. you were also too available, never over text, or get into a pattern of responding right away. keep her guessing as to when your going to respond. i like to wait about 30mins to an hour to respond to the first tex and say something like "sorry i was on the side of a mountain rock climbing....whats up?" or anything else high value fun. and always be the first to end the convo. cut her off and say someting similar, "gotta run, i've got race car driving instructions practice to get to!" or whatever you get the point. and always remember most chicks have lots of other options or different guys that they are "interested" in. so look in the mirror and ask youself were our dates boring? did i stand out from the competition? if she's not seeing you anymore, she's probably seeing someone else.

 

[Johnny_Kage]

Here's a few tips:

Meet other girls. It sounds like you're really into this girl. Do you know why you're into her? Could you identify some things this girl has that others don't? If not, then you like her out of desperation, not because of who she is as a person.

I agree with some others have said about texting. If I text a girl and she takes 2 hours to respond, I won't respond right away. Maybe I'll wait 2 hours, maybe a little more, maybe little less, depending on the convo, but never right away if she's taking her sweet time. I've found this to be pretty successful.

Be unavailable sometimes. BUT try to be unavailable because you actually are unavailable. Remember, the girl is part of your life, not your whole life. Fit her in when it's convenient for you.

Be willing to walk away. This is probably the most important thing to keep in mind. The less you care, the better off you'll be...with all girls. This is way easier said than done though. In my experience, no matter how many people told me, it didn't sink in. I naturally progressed in this direction as my skill level increased.

So what would I do? Forget about her. No worries. Go out to a bar tonight, make some approaches, get some numbers, and start all over again with those girls. It sounds like a lot of work, but it's way more productive than sitting around thinking about one girl who may or may not be interested in you.

 

[mark123]

Thanks for replies & advice, guys.

you hung out with her everytime she suggested. you are no longer a challege to her. she could have you whenever she wanted. this happens to newbies generally because they have no other options. she probably knew that pretty quickly.

While it is true that I agreed to her plans most times, I did cancel a few times too. and as per my OP, i occasionally held back on texting back quickly so that it doesn't look like i have nothing better to do. It's not like i had no other options - I just stopped spinning plates. it's just that the way this girl threw herself at me, i became overconfident that she isn't going anywhere. she would beg me to meet her friends, offer to bring brunch over when i was working on a weekend, eager to meet again etc. - she was being a total AFC!

Do you know why you're into her? Could you identify some things this girl has that others don't? If not, then you like her out of desperation, not because of who she is as a person.

It's true that I did enjoy her company and obviously there are other girls out there. it's funny because i started dating her thinking of her only as an "option". I sometimes planned ahead on how to get rid of her, when the time wd come. and she played THAT card back on me when i least expected! THAT's what's killing me. and she didn't even tell me to LJBF. she just disappeared. ignoring texts and email. I want to emphasize, here, the difference between this and someone being desperate bec of lack of options. I am going on another date tomorrow and one next week - options are available - but can't seem to get over this unexpected turn of events.

how the %#^ can I get over this? for a change, THIS is interfering with my spinning plates instd of the latter making me overcome this...

 

[thevilittletroll]

Thanks for replies & advice, guys.


While it is true that I agreed to her plans most times, I did cancel a few times too. and as per my OP, i occasionally held back on texting back quickly so that it doesn't look like i have nothing better to do. It's not like i had no other options - I just stopped spinning plates. it's just that the way this girl threw herself at me, i became overconfident that she isn't going anywhere. she would beg me to meet her friends, offer to bring brunch over when i was working on a weekend, eager to meet again etc. - she was being a total AFC!

when you get really good at this game, and you know what you are doing, and you know what reactions you are going to get when you say or do your normal routines, you'll know where you are in the game at all times. this doesnt happen very often but i have seen it before. it may have been a s.hit test, when she threw herself at you. when she did this i bet your demenor and body language changed, and at that point she knew the chase and the challenge was over. when this has happened to me i thought to myself, "i didnt even run any game on her. none of my best lines, or kino tactics or anything. i dont feel like i've done anything to attract her. and she's throwing herself at me? something doesnt feel right." looks like you may have fallen for the bait.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

how the %#^ can I get over this? for a change, THIS is interfering with my spinning plates instd of the latter making me overcome this...

How can you get over this? Here's a better question - How CAN'T you get over this?

She's just some girl. People come in and out of your life all the time. I've had perfect decent girls just disappear after a month of dating. And I do it to girls all the time. It happens. You weren't in some deep, serious relationship where she needed to sit down and "break up" with you.

So, I can't tell you how to control your emotions. I can just tell you the reality. Sometimes things don't work out with girls. Sometimes things dont work out with jobs, or family, or freakin politics...whatever. The more you date, the more ups and downs you'll go through, and the more you'll become numb to the ups and downs. And right now it sounds like you're not dating enough....because you barely dated this girl for a significant amount of time, and you're playing it like you lost a year-long relationship

 

[mark123]

looks like you may have fallen for the bait.

Yeah, I did think of that. She's a psych major and I used to tease her about not trying to get in my head. I might just be the subject of her next research paper : P

 

[mark123]

So, I can't tell you how to control your emotions. I can just tell you the reality. Sometimes things don't work out with girls. Sometimes things dont work out with jobs, or family, or freakin politics...whatever. The more you date, the more ups and downs you'll go through, and the more you'll become numb to the ups and downs. And right now it sounds like you're not dating enough....because you barely dated this girl for a significant amount of time, and you're playing it like you lost a year-long relationship

Thanks Mantis - it def helps as i read responses and stick to reading threads in this forum.

UPDATE: I know all DJs will roast me for this, but I DID end up sending her a friendly email (2 days ago, after 12 days of NC) - just asking her what's up, telling her ive been busy with life and casually mentioning that I hope she is not just going to "vanish". I do realize that this may make me look more desperate/pathetic - but if she wasn't planning on meeting me, who cares what she thinks anyway?! it probably will make me cut my losses sooner and help me move on...