I show up to the bar at 11:15, buzzed from the beers I shared with my friend before he dropped me off. I walk in and look around - my friends are not there. As I look around and recognize nobody, I get that feeling I remember from when I was 5 and I thought my parents left me at Wal-Mart alone. This is, afterall, only my second time at a bar - and my first time coming alone.
So I think to myself "I wouldn't be uncomfortable if I had some friends." I spot some cool looking guys by the pool tables, so I walk over and start chatting to Steve and Jim, we'll call them. The topic somehow shifts to ladies (as it always seems to with me, heh) and we start talking about if girls alone, in pairs, or large groups are better - and we notice that the cutest girls at the bar are sitting at a table in a group of 3. I said "See, if I approached that group alone, I'd have the burden of making the entire group like me. One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch." He replies by saying "But if we go in together, we'll all be competign for the cute one - and somebody will have jump the grenade [flirt with the ugly girl]" I smell a competition. "Let's go then" with a bit of a smirk. I already have a plan, and start for the table. The guys see this, and start off behind me.
AMOG WARS
I get to the table, and the other guys somehow got caught in the crowd so they're back there somewhere. I start to AMOG them before they even get there. Yes, it's cruel - but they should have been smart and not let me be there to say anything without them to defend themselves.
All of the girls are looking at me expectantly, probably waiting for me to offer them drinks. They are an HB8, HB7, and UG5 (HBGrandPrize, HBConsolationPrize, and TheGrenade, respectively). Addressing HBGrandPrize
me: "Hey, my friend has a little problem"
hb8: "like what?"
me: "well, he likes your friend there (gesturing to HB7), but he's a little shy. Can I tell him it's alright to come sit next to her? Or should I tell him that she's trouble and he should stay away?"
hb8: (laughing) "well, I'd say she's trouble, but..." (looks at friend) "tell him he can sit over here"
As if on cue, Steve and Jim show up. Jim's the most attractive, I must defuse him right away. So I look at him and say "Jim, my friend wants you to sit next to her. Go ahead" and he sits next to HB7. I sit at the other side of the table from the girls, next to nobody in particular, and Steve sits next to me.
I'm winning so far.
So, at this point I'm figuring I already set Jim out of the running for HB8. But my plan is risky, because now if I fail with HB8 then I'm the grenade jumper.
We talk for a bit, and I tell a story about trying to make an improvisational mortar launcher out of a PVC pipe and how it almost killed us by showering PVC shrapnel and sparks all over us. Everbody is laughing. I'm showing the scars that prove the story, and HB8 is going up my arm asking "what's this one from? and this one?" she gets to one that I can't remember, and I say "I can't tell ya." She takes this to mean that I can't because it's forbidden, and the desire in her eyes is indescribable - "oooh, tell me." I reply with "Maybe, not here. The walls have ears." I think I've got her. I'm the AMOG, the funny guy. I have an isolation excuse. Then comes Steve from behind.
steve: "You know, this is his first time out to a bar like this?"
girls: "oh yeah?"
steve: "yeah, he just turned 21"
hb8: "Oh, you're a young'n"
steve: "yup. I feel like his older brother, showin him the ropes"
me: "I think steve just has a crush on me"
steve: "I don't, but you know who does? [points to grenade] I think you should go sit next to her"
ug5 (blushing)
damn! quick, I don't want to jump the grenade. I need a plan B. First thing comes to my mind
me: "I don't think my wife would appreciate that"
(everyone looks at me like 'what, are you serious')
me: "it's not a serious marriage. it's just for the tax breaks, so federal aide will pay for my school" (dead serious expression)
Nobody laughs. I'm dead in the water. But I'm rescued at the last moment by a phone. HB8 announces that they're going to the other bar. It's ladies' night, and no cover for them. "Come with us guys!" $7 cover for me... I decline. The girls start getting up, and I see my last chance to save face.
me: "But hey, we can do this again another night. Let's trade numbers, and we can all get together again soon"
So I get the digits from HB8. Jim #closes hb7. Steve does not number close.
So I won. But I'm not done yet.
------------------------------------------
I see a cute girl, HB7.5 sitting against the wall by the pool tables. I tell my friends that I'm too drunk, and I need to sit for a second. I take a sit about two seats away from her, and completely ignore her it first. I'm watching the pool game, and then the guy taking the shot almost hits me in the face with the cue stick. I use this as my excuse to scoot to the seat next to HBWaitress
me: (looking forward) "that seat was dangerous. Hopefully this is safer [turning my head towards her] you don't bite, do you?"
her: laughing "no, I promise I wont bite you"
(fluff talk) <- she's leaning towards me to talk, and I'm still just sitting back and looking forward. My friends later said that they honestly thought she was the one trying to pick me up.
her: bla bla...restaraunt my friend and I work at
me: "oh, I've never eaten there. can you get me a discount?"
her: "if I'm eating with you, and i'm not working"
me: "sweet, well when are you not working?"
her: "sunday and tuesday"
me: "Let's do Sunday"
I #close her and excuse myself to go talk to my friends.
I see a girl I know, and I go to talk to her. She didn't realize I had turned 21, and offers to buy me a drink to celebrate. One drink turns into 4 or 5 (each time I protest, then give in). My heads spinning, and I know I'm going to need a ride home.
I see hbwaitress again, and say something about the discount (thinking I'm teasing) but in my drunkeness I offend her. She tells me that I'm rude and walks off. Damnit that close was sooo smooth too.
I get home, alone, and call my FB over.
So I think to myself "I wouldn't be uncomfortable if I had some friends." I spot some cool looking guys by the pool tables, so I walk over and start chatting to Steve and Jim, we'll call them. The topic somehow shifts to ladies (as it always seems to with me, heh) and we start talking about if girls alone, in pairs, or large groups are better - and we notice that the cutest girls at the bar are sitting at a table in a group of 3. I said "See, if I approached that group alone, I'd have the burden of making the entire group like me. One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch." He replies by saying "But if we go in together, we'll all be competign for the cute one - and somebody will have jump the grenade [flirt with the ugly girl]" I smell a competition. "Let's go then" with a bit of a smirk. I already have a plan, and start for the table. The guys see this, and start off behind me.
AMOG WARS
I get to the table, and the other guys somehow got caught in the crowd so they're back there somewhere. I start to AMOG them before they even get there. Yes, it's cruel - but they should have been smart and not let me be there to say anything without them to defend themselves.
All of the girls are looking at me expectantly, probably waiting for me to offer them drinks. They are an HB8, HB7, and UG5 (HBGrandPrize, HBConsolationPrize, and TheGrenade, respectively). Addressing HBGrandPrize
me: "Hey, my friend has a little problem"
hb8: "like what?"
me: "well, he likes your friend there (gesturing to HB7), but he's a little shy. Can I tell him it's alright to come sit next to her? Or should I tell him that she's trouble and he should stay away?"
hb8: (laughing) "well, I'd say she's trouble, but..." (looks at friend) "tell him he can sit over here"
As if on cue, Steve and Jim show up. Jim's the most attractive, I must defuse him right away. So I look at him and say "Jim, my friend wants you to sit next to her. Go ahead" and he sits next to HB7. I sit at the other side of the table from the girls, next to nobody in particular, and Steve sits next to me.
I'm winning so far.
So, at this point I'm figuring I already set Jim out of the running for HB8. But my plan is risky, because now if I fail with HB8 then I'm the grenade jumper.
We talk for a bit, and I tell a story about trying to make an improvisational mortar launcher out of a PVC pipe and how it almost killed us by showering PVC shrapnel and sparks all over us. Everbody is laughing. I'm showing the scars that prove the story, and HB8 is going up my arm asking "what's this one from? and this one?" she gets to one that I can't remember, and I say "I can't tell ya." She takes this to mean that I can't because it's forbidden, and the desire in her eyes is indescribable - "oooh, tell me." I reply with "Maybe, not here. The walls have ears." I think I've got her. I'm the AMOG, the funny guy. I have an isolation excuse. Then comes Steve from behind.
steve: "You know, this is his first time out to a bar like this?"
girls: "oh yeah?"
steve: "yeah, he just turned 21"
hb8: "Oh, you're a young'n"
steve: "yup. I feel like his older brother, showin him the ropes"
me: "I think steve just has a crush on me"
steve: "I don't, but you know who does? [points to grenade] I think you should go sit next to her"
ug5 (blushing)
damn! quick, I don't want to jump the grenade. I need a plan B. First thing comes to my mind
me: "I don't think my wife would appreciate that"
(everyone looks at me like 'what, are you serious')
me: "it's not a serious marriage. it's just for the tax breaks, so federal aide will pay for my school" (dead serious expression)
Nobody laughs. I'm dead in the water. But I'm rescued at the last moment by a phone. HB8 announces that they're going to the other bar. It's ladies' night, and no cover for them. "Come with us guys!" $7 cover for me... I decline. The girls start getting up, and I see my last chance to save face.
me: "But hey, we can do this again another night. Let's trade numbers, and we can all get together again soon"
So I get the digits from HB8. Jim #closes hb7. Steve does not number close.
So I won. But I'm not done yet.
------------------------------------------
I see a cute girl, HB7.5 sitting against the wall by the pool tables. I tell my friends that I'm too drunk, and I need to sit for a second. I take a sit about two seats away from her, and completely ignore her it first. I'm watching the pool game, and then the guy taking the shot almost hits me in the face with the cue stick. I use this as my excuse to scoot to the seat next to HBWaitress
me: (looking forward) "that seat was dangerous. Hopefully this is safer [turning my head towards her] you don't bite, do you?"
her: laughing "no, I promise I wont bite you"
(fluff talk) <- she's leaning towards me to talk, and I'm still just sitting back and looking forward. My friends later said that they honestly thought she was the one trying to pick me up.
her: bla bla...restaraunt my friend and I work at
me: "oh, I've never eaten there. can you get me a discount?"
her: "if I'm eating with you, and i'm not working"
me: "sweet, well when are you not working?"
her: "sunday and tuesday"
me: "Let's do Sunday"
I #close her and excuse myself to go talk to my friends.
I see a girl I know, and I go to talk to her. She didn't realize I had turned 21, and offers to buy me a drink to celebrate. One drink turns into 4 or 5 (each time I protest, then give in). My heads spinning, and I know I'm going to need a ride home.
I see hbwaitress again, and say something about the discount (thinking I'm teasing) but in my drunkeness I offend her. She tells me that I'm rude and walks off. Damnit that close was sooo smooth too.
I get home, alone, and call my FB over.
