I saw this bulletin posted twice yesterday by people on my list. Did it get super popular all at once? I hate these bulletins, and one more read of it is oging to kill my inner child. I wrote this and posted it as a bulletin:
The REAL ode to the nice guys
This is an ode to those who call themselves "nice guys". The guys that finish last, that are too wussy to become more than friends, that endure hours of whining about what a-holes guys are, because they think that somehow, being a good listener will get him what he wants out of the girl, which is obviously to be more than friends. This is for the guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on, when inside, he's thinking about getting with this same girl who is crying on his shoulder. This is for the guys who are too scared to go after what they want, so they resort to being manipulative by pretending to be her friend, hoping that she'll someday "see the light" and realize that he is what she wanted all along. This is to the jackasses who go on and on about how cute, beautiful, smart, funny, and sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, not because they actually BELIEVE what they are saying, but because they feel that it will someday get them laid or in a relationship with said female friends. This is in honor of the guys who pretend to respect a girl's every facet, from her choice of dress, to her privacy, to her theology, but then when said girl is not around, said guy immediately begins whining about how indecisive and immature and stupid girls are like the little misogynist he is.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from the parties yet wake up the next day and still are in love with or even respect said female friends, for the guys who accompany girls to the bars as buffers against the rest of the "creepy male population"; meaning that said female friends get to enjoy the ego boost from being checked out by guys, without actually having to deal with being hit on. What an inconvenience, right? For the guys who play by the "rules" always in a game where the rules favor MEN WITH ACTUAL BALLS, and then go on about how all men who are percieved as having any confidence or self respect whatsoever are jerks. For the guy who will never stand up for himself to a female, and thus ends up becoming her whipped slave. For the guys who blindly give out compliments to girls who are fishing for them simply because they are girls, and because they think it will get them laid or in a relationship. For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material by girls who don't want to hurt their feelings by saying what's REALLY on their minds, which are "boyfriend material for someone who can stand a boring unconfident guy". For all the "nice guys" who manipulate and mislead by pretending to be the friend of a girl so he can be more than friends with her, this is for you.
This is for the time she left three hundred messages on your cell phone fretting about two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner, and you wasted your precious time helping her to dissect them, meanwhile thinking about the day when someday YOU might be her boyfriend, yet being too much of a pansy to ever express the thought. Even thought you thought the boyfriend was a jerk, you were too much of a chump to ever express the thought, even though you know sometimes an outside perspective can be a good thing. This is for the time she interrupted your best Halo 2 game ever with a phone call to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she hates most, and not only did you actually give a crap, but you paused the game for two hours to help her concoct a counter-rumor, despite thinking she was being completely immature and having nothing against the guy. Once again, you were too much of a sissy to actually TELL her that she was being immature and you have nothing against the guy. Then you unpaused the game, and promptly got shot down. Way to go. This is for the time she didn't have a date, so after you, who wants to get serious with her, vowed in numerous ways that nothing serious was going on (which misleads her into thinking you only want to be her friend), she dragged you out to a party where the beer sucked, you didn't know anybody, and she flirted shamelessly with you, but then saying "Oh, we're just friends!", and you went even though you hated it. And even though you were just a symbolic warm body to feed her ego, you went along anyways. Because you're a wuss like that, yet you think it makes you nice.
The "nice guys" don't often get blame where blame is due. And perhaps more disturbing, they actually have the audacity to call themselves nice even after being so misleading and manipulative. They think they deserve to get laid or get in relationships, but no hell in way should they, if they don't have the balls to go for what they want. They explain this trend by concluding that females are illogical, manipulative *****es (which directly contradicts all of his feigned respect for women and pretend compliments to his female friends) who say they want to date a nice guy, but when presented with these self-adorned "nice guys", they say "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me". The girls are letting him down nicely. What they really mean is "not only is he a wuss who gets walked all over, but he is scared to ask me out. I'm a woman! I want a strong guy who will make me feel feminine by being the one to make the first move!". Other common replies are "It would ruin the friendship" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I can't possibly ask him out!" which are euphemisms for "We'd have nothing to do or talk about because all he ever wants to talk about are my problems with OTHER guys" and "I'd get bored with a guy who will let himself get walked all over!" The nice guys come up with more and more explanations for this "phenomenon", without even stopping to consider that when a girl says she wants a nice guy, she means a nice guy WITH BALLS, who has more to his personality than just being NICE. When presented with a choice of nice vs ballsy, women take ballsy almost every time. The "nice guy" will wait and wait, and eventually, after getting played and tossed nonstop, one of his female friends will settle for him, whipping him into psychological submission. This is the most that a "nice guy" can hope for. How sad.
So until these girls pop up, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know that you don't realize you're just a manipulative wuss in disguise. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your utter servitude and never speaking your mind. For all the crazy, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations when you are the faceless, nameless nobody, my gratitude goes out to you. Without guys like you, guys like me, who have more complex personalities than you, with "nice" being just one factor (and we have confidence too), and who understand the TRUE meaning of "just be yourself", would have more competition. Not that I'm worried about that, but with you around, the selection of single women looking for a REAL good guy is just a bit larger. Even we get sick of you sometimes, though, and wish you would grow a pair and just go for what you want.
REPOST if you are a girl who wants to educate the self-proclaimed "nice guys" so that they might actually become datable.
OR: Repost if you are a guy who is sick of your male friends being wusses.
