Does the male desire for sexual variety ever go away?

[OnTheWayUp]

On the back of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8SOQEitsJI

"It places a strain on our marriages and long-term commitments to expect them to be effortlessly monogamous."

Here's one for the senior members of the board, either in terms of age or in terms of number of girls they've been with. If you're in a perfect relationship where the girl respects you, is faithful to you, has sex a lot, initiates meets a lot without being clingy etc etc, do you still find yourself yearning for more?

I have a good friend who is a natural player and is in an open relationship, whereby his gf allows him to see other girls concurrently with her, provided that he doesn't talk too openly about them or see them more than a few times. She is 100% faithful to him. Is this the optimum relationship status for men who have options?

Discuss.

(Mods: please move to Mature Man section if you feel this would be more appropriately discussed there, even if I myself am 21yo)

 

[zekko]

Here's one for the senior members of the board, either in terms of age or in terms of number of girls they've been with. If you're in a perfect relationship where the girl respects you, is faithful to you, has sex a lot, initiates meets a lot without being clingy etc etc, do you still find yourself yearning for more?

I've lived with my girlfriend for eight years now, and I have as near perfect a relationship I can imagine. But I still feel physical attraction toward beautiful women. No, I don't believe that ever goes away. The married guys say "I'm married, not dead".

For me, it's simply a matter of priorities. I've spun plates, dated around, had one night stands, etc. Honestly, none of that ever satisfied me. I know what I am missing and what I have. To me, my relationship is far more important than some biological urge, and I wouldn't put it at risk for some quick meaningless fling.

As for open relationships, I can understand the appeal to some guys. However, I don't believe I could ever respect any woman who would okay with it.

For young guys, I do think they should try to get as much experience with as many women as they can. Not only do they get to "sow their wild oats" and get it out of their system, but they will need what they learn if they ever do get into a long term relationship. They will learn how to choose, how to keep the frame, how to behave, how to take care of themselves first and foremost. If you're not on a solid foundation yourself, you're not going to do well with a woman. It's like they old saying: You can't save someone without making sure you're safe yourself first.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Really great reply zekko, thanks for your thoughts. I agree with a lot of what you've said, in particular the bit about gaining experience of how women work while you're still young.

I find this bit interesting:

For me, it's simply a matter of priorities. I've spun plates, dated around, had one night stands, etc. Honestly, none of that ever satisfied me. I know what I am missing and what I have. To me, my relationship is far more important than some biological urge, and I wouldn't put it at risk for some quick meaningless fling.

If you had discreet flings on the side without telling your partner, why couldn't you have both the awesome relationship AND the sexual variety?

 

[zekko]

If you had discreet flings on the side without telling your partner, why couldn't you have both the awesome relationship AND the sexual variety?

Not my style, brother. Why would I want to deceive my "significant other"?
I'm not married, but there is a school of thought about marriage, that the two become "one flesh", they become one. So if you are deceiving your spouse, you're deceiving yourself. If you're hurting her, you're hurting yourself.

That may be just mumbo jumbo to you, but I actually do care about the girl. At least until which point she screws me over lol. I always allow for that possibility in my head, even though I don't expect it. I know she would be hurt if I had a fling, and I have no desire to inflict that on her. The fling is not that important to me to risk that. There's always a chance you can be found out. I've fvcked girls before, I know what it's like (I've sown my wild oats). It's nothing I can't do without. Obviously there are guys who look at this differently.

Bottom line, our relationship would not be what it is if we went around deceiving each other. Although I keep the frame and an abundance mentality (she's fine with me leading, she expects me to), neither one of us plays games. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Yo'Mama]

We can't have both because we've been conditioned to believe it's wrong. If we had been brought up in a society where it was ok we would do this and be all the happier for it. But it's not possible for most of us now because we'll end up feeling guilty (which in my opinion is ridiculous).

 

[Single4Life]

Time for an overused cliche, but it's true.

"Love conquers all"

even your sexual urges.

 

[GoodLookingLoser]

I've lived with my girlfriend for eight years now, and I have as near perfect a relationship I can imagine. But I still feel physical attraction toward beautiful women. No, I don't believe that ever goes away. The married guys say "I'm married, not dead".

For me, it's simply a matter of priorities. I've spun plates, dated around, had one night stands, etc. Honestly, none of that ever satisfied me. I know what I am missing and what I have. To me, my relationship is far more important than some biological urge, and I wouldn't put it at risk for some quick meaningless fling.

I agree with a lot of this. I def. still crave sexual variety and always have. What supplements well/as good is exploring different types of sex- role play, fetish, even just new positions. anything you want

And Zekko is right- it's all about your priorities- in your early and mid 20s I think most guys just want to get laid and that def. okay. Later your goals may be more emotional, financial and ideally you'll have a girlfriend (or more than 1) that will explore the different dynamics of sex that keeps its mad exciting.

good post.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

It might be my age (21) and associated high levels of hormones, but I find the "I'm in love with my partner" and the "I wouldn't want to deceive her" lines very tough to accept. This is not to say that I don't have feelings for my gf and that part of me wouldn't feel bad about hurting her if she found out. It's just that having your cake and eating it would be so easy to set up, particularly if there were no kids involved and you lived separately.

We can't have both because we've been conditioned to believe it's wrong. If we had been brought up in a society where it was ok we would do this and be all the happier for it. But it's not possible for most of us now because we'll end up feeling guilty (which in my opinion is ridiculous).

This approach resonates with me a lot. It's useful for society to promote social stability via monogamous partnerships, both to minimise the social fallout from when illicit polygamy (ie cheating) is discovered and to allow all men, not just those at the top, access to female sexuality.

 

[Yo'Mama]

It might be my age (21) and associated high levels of hormones, but I find the "I'm in love with my partner" and the "I wouldn't want to deceive her" lines very tough to accept. This is not to say that I don't have feelings for my gf and that part of me wouldn't feel bad about hurting her if she found out. It's just that having your cake and eating it would be so easy to set up, particularly if there were no kids involved and you lived separately.



This approach resonates with me a lot. It's useful for society to promote social stability via monogamous partnerships, both to minimise the social fallout from when illicit polygamy (ie cheating) is discovered and to allow all men, not just those at the top, access to female sexuality.

If you take the morality out of the equation it just becomes a logistical issue. You have to be careful not to get caught otherwise it will cause a lot of problems.

It's a shame that women can't be a little bit more understanding about this. Guys aren't interested in fvcking a woman over 40 (especially when they've been fvcking her for the last 15 years). I think a lot of men feel it's somehow wrong to, as you put it, have their cake and eat it, because it's been hammered into our brains from a young age that men who do that are evil. As men we need two things, companionship and new sexual conquests. We shouldn't have to choose between the two.

Anyway most guys on here will be up in arms and go on about double standards, how wrong it is to deceive someone you love, etc. It's one way of looking at it but not the only way. It's good you have realised this at the young age of 21.

 

[DonGorgon]

no it does not go away but your ability tok get many women goes down fast as you age if you are not an alpha male some most men focus their energy on trying to secure one woman as a wife so they wont have to be alone and chasing hos when they are older and rejection rates are even higher..

 

[zekko]

If you take the morality out of the equation it just becomes a logistical issue. You have to be careful not to get caught otherwise it will cause a lot of problems

I'm sure personality plays a role here. I've never been the type of guy to lie. I've rarely felt the need to create one, and I don't want to have to be concerned with maintaining one. I don't want to bother. Keeps life simpler.

On the other hand, I've known guys who have used dishonesty to try to benefit themselves all their lives. Mixed results, usually.

no it does not go away but your ability tok get many women goes down fast as you age if you are not an alpha male some most men focus their energy on trying to secure one woman as a wife so they wont have to be alone and chasing hos when they are older and rejection rates are even higher..

Just to be clear, I most definitely feel that I have more options with women now than I ever have in my life. But I also agree that I don't want to be bothered with going back to the dating life. The appeal of that lessens over time, kind of like the idea of going back to high school. I don't need the hassle of the associated BS, especially when I've found a girl who checks off all my boxes so well.

Also, it's not just a case of "I'm in love with my girlfriend and I don't want to hurt her". I find it very practical to have a partner I can trust who can help out with the household chores and the day to day tasks of living. To get trust, it helps to give trust.

I'm not trying to convince anyone here to embrace monogamy (it's not for everybody), but there was a request to explain it. There are other posters here such as Rollo, Backbreaker, and 5string who are monogamous. All of them have gone through plenty of women in their day, so maybe that has something to do with it.

 

[5string]

My marriage is great and I'm in my 50's now. Still have lotsa sex although that may be hard for some of you to believe. Do I desire variety? Sure, but just like zekko, it's not my style.

I might look at the menu, I just don't order.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

I'm not trying to convince anyone here to embrace monogamy (it's not for everybody), but there was a request to explain it. There are other posters here such as Rollo, Backbreaker, and 5string who are monogamous. All of them have gone through plenty of women in their day, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Another great response zekko, thanks for sharing. Glad monogamy works for you!

 

[ositosucio]

We can't have both because we've been conditioned to believe it's wrong. If we had been brought up in a society where it was ok we would do this and be all the happier for it. But it's not possible for most of us now because we'll end up feeling guilty (which in my opinion is ridiculous).

exactly. In many societies going to a ***** every now and then is normal and wives allow it. ( japan for example )

im sure their divorce rate is waaaay lower than ours

 

[Mike32ct]

no it does not go away but your ability tok get many women goes down fast as you age if you are not an alpha male some most men focus their energy on trying to secure one woman as a wife so they wont have to be alone and chasing hos when they are older and rejection rates are even higher..

^This.

 

[zekko]

^This.

No. What happens is you go through dating a bunch of women, and then you find one that stands out from the rest of the crowd, one that is worth keeping around.

Besides, men die younger than women. The older you get, the more the odds grow in your favor.

Also, the conversation turned from open relationships to cheating on your spouse. Where's the value in a relationship that you are cheating on? Why even bother?