Dissolving My Marriage

[Money & Muscle]

For those of you who have been following along with my situation, I promise you the reason I want to do this is not for the reasons I've posted previously. This is not wild oats, or lackluster sex life, or anything else other than financial protection.

I'm going to divorce my wife, but I want to stay with her.
I want to divorce because it is the only way I can ensure I don't lost half my my gross income, for the rest of my life. Right now, that looks like about $5,000 monthly.

Yes, I've had a lot of problems in my marriage recently, but I genuinely want to work them out. I also cannot allow myself to get r*ped by divorce because I waited too long in hopes of a better outcome. I don't want to be compelled to stay with her at the threat of $5,000 monthly payments... if I'm staying with her, it's because I want to stay with her - not any other reason.

As the law stands, anything past 10 years (really 9, but I digress), my wife could literally be cheating on me regularly, and if I chose to divorce - I still would have to pay alimony. The state doesn't care.
I do not think my wife is cheating on me or ever has, but that isn't the point... I am literally held at her will past 9 years.

So my plan is to discuss this with my wife. My ideal outcome is that we get "financially divorced" but nothing changes from our day-to-day lives... I want nothing to change except our signatures on a piece of paper.

I'm also quite aware that this could spiral into my wife wanting the full divorce, separation, 50% income, 50% assets, primary custody, etc. If that really is what she wants, then I guess it's better to deal with that sooner than later. If I do this now, I will still owe her all of those things - but for only 4 years instead of a lifetime.
This is a risk I am willing to take, and I accept the repercussions of this either way.


I know my plan is a little bit insane, because who the hell goes through a divorce to stay with the person they're married to - but that is what I want. A lot of folks here have given me some excellent perspectives on these kinds of things, and I'd like to hear your stories of divorce, or advice in this kind of situation.
As I said, I only want to divorce to protect myself financially, and not be held to a standard of "pay 50% of your gross income for life or go to jail".

 

[SW15]

I'm going to divorce my wife, but I want to stay with her.

My ideal outcome is that we get "financially divorced" but nothing changes from our day-to-day lives... I want nothing to change except our signatures on a piece of paper.

I'm also quite aware that this could spiral into my wife wanting the full divorce, separation, 50% income, 50% assets, primary custody, etc. If that really is what she wants, then I guess it's better to deal with that sooner than later. If I do this now, I will still owe her all of those things - but for only 4 years instead of a lifetime.
This is a risk I am willing to take, and I accept the repercussions of this either way.

I don't think it is realistic to get financially divorced but have other elements stay in place. Proceed with a full divorce.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I don't think it is realistic to get financially divorced but have other elements stay in place.

I agree, but that is still my ideal outcome. If my wife doesn't want that - that is entirely up to her.
Maybe this is a stupid position to put myself in, but I am okay with the full divorce happening, if she insists. I need to be divorced in the next 11 months, one way or another.

Is there some risk or something I'm not seeing by staying together but getting divorced?

 

[SW15]

Is there some risk or something I'm not seeing by staying together but getting divorced?

Do the full divorce. Get your freedom. Higher quality, new women are not going to tolerate a man in an odd situation like a solely financially divorced guy. A fully divorced guy has more freedom and more ability to score some new pussie.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Do the full divorce. Get your freedom. Higher quality, new women are not going to tolerate a man in an odd situation like a solely financially divorced guy. A fully divorced guy has more freedom and more ability to score some new pussie.

Thanks for your input. I'm not doing this for new pvssy, I'm doing it to not get ruined in divorce court - if I wait any longer.

There is no amount of promising any person could do that would make me feel confident about them having a 50% tax in all future income I make.

But yes, if the wife decides she wants 100% out - then it sounds like I will have freedom to pursue new women.

 

[Rainrain]

Just to clarify, are you trying to stay with her after the divorce? Like in a relationship?

 

[Money & Muscle]

Just to clarify, are you trying to stay with her after the divorce? Like in a relationship?

Ideally, yes.
If marriage was only a religious institution and not a legal document - I wouldn't be looking for a divorce.

 

[member162951]

M&M,

If your only reason is to protect you financially, there is something called a "Postnuptial Agreement" that protects one's assets after marriage. It's legal.

>>A postnuptial agreement is a contract agreed upon by spouses after marrying that outlines the ownership of financial assets in the event of a divorce. The contract may also set out the responsibilities of each for the duration of the marriage. A postnuptial agreement is also known as a post-marital agreement or postnup.<<

That sounds better than what you're suggesting which yes does sound a bit insane tbh.

I highly doubt she'd go for it, even the postnup is a stretch but you could run it by her; does SHE have assets that need protecting?

I dunno just a thought...

 

[Money & Muscle]

there is something called a "Postnuptial Agreement" that protects one's assets after marriage. It's legal.

These are easily invalidated. Wife only has to claim she was coerced, or say that she contests the document. Additionally, courts often invalidate these if they are determined to be unfair at the time of divorce.

I do not think there is a way that this kind of document can actually protect me, assuming it works - it would have to be updated as my income and assets change. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I've seen a few cases where these documents are invalidated for these kinds of reasons.

 

[Solomon]

Sad day

Basically, you're demoting your wife to a girlfriend or plate at best what woman is going to go for that? OP no disrespect but she ain't gonna go for that if she really loves you. If you're going to divorce just know you're going to lose assets, in the words of Thanos "It's Invitaaable" women sometimes can become very vindictive in this situation.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Sad day

Basically, you're demoting your wife to a girlfriend or plate at best what woman is going to go for that? OP no disrespect but she ain't gonna go for that if she really loves you. If you're going to divorce just know you're going to lose assets, in the words of Thanos "It's Invitaaable" women sometimes can become very vindictive in this situation.

I think it's likely this ends in a full on separation and relationship end. It's also likely she takes half my stuff and half my pay for the next 4 years. If that's how she wants to play it, so be it. I have no interest in making her a plate or just a GF - I want it to effectively be a marriage, but without the legal ramifications of it. You know, how marriage used to be, when it was between a Man, Woman and God only.

If she's so offended by me wanting to protect my financial future that she doesn't want to be with me, then I think that's rather telling too.

 

[member162951]

M&M, I would suggest you rethink this idea, it's a massively BAD idea and no disrespect I promise you, but quite selfish as well.

I mean what about your daughter? How do you think this type of arrangement will affect her including your not properly providing financially for her mother and in turn her (your daughter) financial future? She's been a good wife to you and mother to your daughter, she does not deserve this imo and neither does your daughter.

It's right up there with "deadbeat dad" at least on some level. At least that is how it will be looked upon. Sorry man.

You're a good guy, you can do better than this type of mindset, come on.

If you're worried about divorce after 10 years and losing assets, work at improving your marriage! I suppose anything can happen but this is just a really bad idea no matter how you slice and dice.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I mean what about your daughter? How do you think this type of arrangement will affect her including your not properly providing financially for her mother and in turn her? She's been a good wife to you and mother to your daughter, she does not deserve this imo and neither does your daughter.

My daughter will be cared for via Child Support, which is in the realm of $1900 monthly, if my wife wants to leave. Additionally, if my wife wants to leave - she's not my problem anymore, she's an adult and can take care of herself.
I want to be a permanent fixture in my daughter's life, and I would be crushed if this was not the case... but I cannot let myself be taken hostage to the tune of $5,000 a month for the rest of my life just for my daughter. I know that's selfish, but I cannot be a good father and deal with that threat looming over my head.

To my knowledge, my wife has not cheated on me, but that is not the only metric that makes one a good wife. My woman is combative as hell, and finds any reason to argue that she can. I'd rather be alone than deal with that nonsense. I do believe this can be fixed, but I don't believe in it enough to accept the risk I'm looking at.
In the broad strokes, yes, my wife has been good to me, but being faithful and a good mother does not negate the near constant arguments. My dude, you have never met someone who loves arguing as much as this woman.

Feel free to calculate half your income (pre tax) and imagine what it would be like to not have that money coming in, every month, for the rest of your life. Got a 10k/yr raise? It's actually only 5k (pre-tax).
You now have to trust that someone else won't take this money from you, based on nothing but their word. Do you have someone in your life whom you have this kind of trust with? I think my parents are the only ones I could trust like this.

If there were a real tool to address my concerns about finances, I would jump on board that immediately - but there isn't one.

work at improving your marriage!

I have been doing this for over a year now, and I am not being met halfway. I am only half the relationship.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

M&M, I would suggest you rethink this idea, it's a massively BAD idea and no disrespect I promise you, but quite selfish as well.

I mean what about your daughter? How do you think this type of arrangement will affect her including your not properly providing financially for her mother and in turn her (your daughter) financial future? She's been a good wife to you and mother to your daughter, she does not deserve this imo and neither does your daughter.

It's right up there with "deadbeat dad" at least on some level. At least that is how it will be looked upon. Sorry man.

You're a good guy, you can do better than this type of mindset, come on.

If you're worried about divorce after 10 years and losing assets, work at improving your marriage! I suppose anything can happen but this is just a really bad idea no matter how you slice and dice.

There is no Joy in a New Order, only Division.

 

[member162951]

I'm also quite aware that this could spiral into my wife wanting the full divorce, separation, 50% income, 50% assets, primary custody, etc.

What you're proposing now IS a "full divorce," but without the separation and primary custody. Your wife would still be entitled to 50% of your income and 50% of your assets for four years and you better believe she will get herself a good attorney and get just that.

To my knowledge, my wife has not cheated on me, but that is not the only metric that makes one a good wife. My woman is combative as hell, and finds any reason to argue that she can. I'd rather be alone than deal with that nonsense. I do believe this can be fixed, but I don't believe in it enough to accept the risk I'm looking at.

Bolded, well that says it all right there, doesn't it. This is not just about the financial ramifications, you're not happy and from reading past threads you haven't been awhile - you're sexually restless, suffer from FOMO, want to spin plates and basically be alone and single.

That's my read on it anyway. I don't believe any man who is truly in love with his wife and happy would even be considering this.

May as well divorce her now, give her the 50% for four years and go spin plates, live your life as you want. Be happy.

As for your daughter, it's great you will continue to provide financially for her either way, but just to know, my parents had a crap marriage, my dad wasn't happy and believe me, I and my siblings felt that from them and suffered dearly because of it, emotionally.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

As I’ve said before you are blowing up your marriage, over some BS that may or may not occur. I think you’ve told yourself a story that is not exactly the truth regarding your intentions and motivations. This sprung from you taking the so-called red pill, you truly believe it entirely as orthodox.

Your wife of god knows how many years who I believe is a stay at home Mom helped you get to where you are, carried your children, was there when you and your children have been sick, maintained the household and allowed you to continue to improve your career. If you cannot see that she entitled to being treated better than this, then so be it.

I do not think you understand how f*cked up your thinking is, it’s also clear you do not want her to be your partner anymore. Just file for divorce she’s not going to go for this hare-brained plan you hatched.

Frankly bro, you’ve probably already fubared your marriage based on the stuff you’ve been discussing here which is not the whole story. Our opinion is not going to change how you think about this. Again if you cannot see it, we cannot open your eyes.

You can claim it’s solely financial and it’s not, you’re pulling the male equivalent of “I’m not HAAAAAAPPY…”.

 

[Money & Muscle]

What you're proposing now IS a "full divorce," but without the separation and primary custody. Your wife would still be entitled to 50% of your income and 50% of your assets for four years and you better believe she will get herself a good attorney and get just that.

If I believed her words, she would want to stay together regardless. IF.
If she chooses to leave, that is entirely up to her - as it always has been. The difference now is that she can only get 4 years of subsidy, versus a lifetime of it. I'd rather she stay, and both of us have the option to leave if we determine things just aren't how we want them to be.

Bolded, well that says it all right there, doesn't it.

If there were 0 problems, I doubt I would have considered divorce, but I have too many years of being with this woman to believe there will be no massive problems. The worst version of her that I've seen - is the kind of person I believe would pursue every means of divorce r*pe possible, and that person still chose to stay married to me... I cannot imagine what a version of her that wants divorce would be like.
I can't take that risk.

I know I've spoken about FOMO and wild oats here. A lot, actually. I came to terms with where my morals are in this, and I am not looking to spin plates or cheat or anything like it. Like I said, my ideal outcome is that a piece of paper says we're no longer married - but we act no different; if there were a way to stay married without the threat of divorce r*pe, I would stay married.

But if my wife decides she wants to live separate and force our daughter to split time between us - that's up to her. Me initiating divorce does not change that at all; she's always been able to do this.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Your wife of god knows how many years who I believe is a stay at home Mom helped you get to where you are, carried your children, was there when you and your children have been sick, maintained the household and allowed you to continue to improve your career. If you cannot see that she entitled to being treated better than this, then so be it.

This is misrepresenting what this has actually been like, by a lot. But lets say it wasn't.
You say that she is entitled to being treated better than this, but if that is the case - am I not entitled to be treated better than I have been? I'm not getting what I want out of marriage. I don't want an argumentative woman in my life. I don't want a woman who get so mad over small things that she threatens divorce (even if she doesn't mean it).

What you said before:

If you leave do not do it for poonany, do it to preserve your gonads. Be a man of principle remember righteous indignation is a sweet sweet thing, few things in life are better than to know you did everything in your power to move your relationship to a good place.

I have done about everything in my power to move my relationship to a good place. It's been over a year like this, and things are getting worse.
I understand it's only a year, but if it lasts much longer, the opportunity to preserve my gonads (financials) is gone.
Will she leave me? IDK.
Will she go for half my money and assets? IDK
Would I trust any answer she gave me to these questions? No (unless she's saying she will leave and take half my stuff).

Either way, I am putting my entire future at risk by leaving it in her hands, and the history between us has not spoken to a fruitful future.

 

[Slowhandluke]

it's time to divorce. if she loves you she will still be there for you. if not, that's life.

a lifetime of alimony payments to someone who does not like you or appreciate you is a long time.

divorce and have her be your "partner".. women are emotional and will do things to hurt you and the relationship. they are emotional. unless you divorce her, you will never be in control.

assume complete divorce.. pay the piper and move on. give her an choice, she can be your "partner"... or not. it's up to her. hell, give her time after the divorce while you continue to live your life. she may kick and scream now, but ultimately, if you still love her, take her back after the kicking and screaming if she relents. you wear the big boy pants.... not her.. and using this option she will know it.

at this time, she is at a disadvantage.. wait any longer and you will be at a disadvantage. divorce laws have made this the only solution. in the past, it made sense for everyone to try and work things out. but with the current divorce laws leaning towards only benefiting the woman, this is the only logical solution.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

As I’ve said before you are blowing up your marriage, over some BS that may or may not occur. I think you’ve told yourself a story that is not exactly the truth regarding your intentions and motivations. This sprung from you taking the so-called red pill, you truly believe it entirely as orthodox.

Your wife of god knows how many years who I believe is a stay at home Mom helped you get to where you are, carried your children, was there when you and your children have been sick, maintained the household and allowed you to continue to improve your career. If you cannot see that she entitled to being treated better than this, then so be it.

I do not think you understand how f*cked up your thinking is, it’s also clear you do not want her to be your partner anymore. Just file for divorce she’s not going to go for this hare-brained plan you hatched.

Frankly bro, you’ve probably already fubared your marriage based on the stuff you’ve been discussing here which is not the whole story. Our opinion is not going to change how you think about this. Again if you cannot see it, we cannot open your eyes.

You can claim it’s solely financial and it’s not, you’re pulling the male equivalent of “I’m not HAAAAAAPPY…”.

Nobody owes anyone, anything bro. The same way she can divorce him to get with another guy even if he was an excellent man, he can do the same, your shaming tactic is very low and quite disappointing for a guy who fills his mouth in how great his life is after divorce.

This forum is to help guys, not women, women have their own spaces everywhere. You're shaming him without even knowing his situation, and being a beta white knight for a woman who you don't even know. If staying married is not what he wants, then give him advice on how to successful, not shaming him into staying married wtf.