Clearly The Onion has bee reading sosuave. They say there is truth in humor, so behold. You friendzone-victims and be-your-self-ers, you roasting is here.
Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy
http://www.theonion.com/articles/date-disastrously-bypasses-physical-intimacy-goes,1338/
Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself
http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-man-ruins-date-by-just-being-himself,255/
Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy
http://www.theonion.com/articles/date-disastrously-bypasses-physical-intimacy-goes,1338/
Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself
http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-man-ruins-date-by-just-being-himself,255/