Cold war help

[Lancsfinest83]

I've tried to condense this as much as possible. Currently involved in a stand-off with current girlfriend of 2 years. In essence, I cancelled a date (legitimate reasons). From then on she went cold, not completely, but definite change in attitude. I mirrored this behaviour, but my petulant side reared it's ugly head and I ended up unfollowing her on social media. This p****d her off and we've not spoken for 4 weeks. She can be a drama queen, very anxious girl.
We're both 40, divorced, kids etc and plenty of baggage on her end.
I'm too stubborn to break no contact, I'd take my silence to the grave. However, does no contact affect women differently?

 

[Money & Muscle]

What are you, 12?

If you want to settle things with her and part ways, do it.
If you want to stay with her, then make it up to her. You're the one who was admittedly petulant, except you're also being too stubborn to help yourself.

My God.

 

[Lancsfinest83]

What are you, 12?

If you want to settle things with her and part ways, do it.
If you want to stay with her, then make it up to her. You're the one who was admittedly petulant, except you're also being too stubborn to help yourself.

My God.

I'll take the insult on the chin. Fair, and logical points my friend.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I'll take the insult on the chin. Fair, and logical points my friend.

So what do you plan to do?

I assume you want back together, considering you made a thread about it?

 

[Lancsfinest83]

So what do you plan to do?

I assume you want back together, considering you made a thread about it?

Of course. Over two years, she definitely grew on me.

How I plan to do it? If I'm honest, I'm not sure. Conventional advice is geared towards going no contact, and given the situation (she stopped communicating), it seems the best approach.

I f****d up by being childish, but I was dealing with the death of my dad before she gave me the cold shoulder.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I f****d up by being childish, but I was dealing with the death of my dad

Sounds like a great start to an apology. Don't blame her, blame yourself for your actions, make the changes in yourself, and don't repeat the same mistakes.

The no contact advice is sound as well, but it's not going to help you get her back. Chances are that you're going to lose by trying to get her back, FYI. It's usually starting you off trying to win the woman's favor, when it should be the other way around.

A good video for this is here, if you want I watch (don't feel obligated).

 

[Black Widow Void]

It's a rare day when I don't side with a brother over a girl, but here it is.

I'd place my money on.... she was already thinking of ending the relationship. Instead of her feeling bad about wanting to end things, you provided her with a 'reason' to do so. Your behavior (which normally after two years together wouldn't warrant her extreme) gave her the perfect decoy excuse to exit.

Judging by your posting, was her behavior unwarranted? It sounds like she may have had some justification.

my petulant side reared it's ugly head and I ended up unfollowing her on social media.

At least you admit it to the fellow forum members (we've all made mistakes) but it also seems that you also want to appear blameless by accusing her of being "a drama queen, very anxious girl."

If we've dated enough (and/or divorced) then after a certain point, we are *all* going to have some baggage. Your posting would seem to imply that you are nearly without fault, yet she has "plenty of baggage on her end"

You also say "I'm too stubborn to break no contact, I'd take my silence to the grave." This sounds like it's more important for you to 'win' an argument than to resolve an argument.

In essence, I cancelled a date (legitimate reasons).

Harsh as this sounds, just within this posting... it looks like you lack some self-objectivity. Therefor, it would stand to reason... that your "legitimate reasons" for cancelling the date might not be so legitimate to others. And if truly "legitimate" ... then as stated above, I'm thinking that there were other previous variables. And that this incident provided her with a reason' to go cold.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I f****d up by being childish, but I was dealing with the death of my dad before she gave me the cold shoulder.

I was in that same position in 2014. I lost my mother. I wasn't in the best of moods and two weeks later, lost my relationship of over two years.

Nothing worse than experiencing a loss and having it compounded by another form of loss.

I wish you good luck on this.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

@Lancsfinest83
If you cancel a date then have a counter date ready. If you can be charming and straight forward, acknowledging your mistakes and what you plan to do differently, and she's still pushing you to apologize, then you're justified in standing your ground. The key is to do it with charm and maturity.

But it seems you're doing things to get her attention and maybe even hurt her, maybe in an attempt to 'get even' for some deep resentment that's been brewing for past over-investment.

So now you're conflicted because you didn't act amicably, weren't charming, and feel guilty for being childish. Your question shows that you want to know what she's thinking, which to me signals that your actions have had manipulative intentions. This post smells like you want someone to back you up so you can you avoid accountability.

If you do everything in a charming, respectful manner, including walking away, it makes these situations trivial.

Work on your body, mind, and social circles until the resentment is gone. Only then should you consider saying anything to her.

 

[Lancsfinest83]

@Lancsfinest83
If you cancel a date then have a counter date ready. If you can be charming and straight forward, acknowledging your mistakes and what you plan to do differently, and she's still pushing you to apologize, then you're justified in standing your ground. The key is to do it with charm and maturity.

But it seems you're doing things to get her attention and maybe even hurt her, maybe in an attempt to 'get even' for some deep resentment that's been brewing for past over-investment.

So now you're conflicted because you didn't act amicably, weren't charming, and feel guilty for being childish. Your question shows that you want to know what she's thinking, which to me signals that your actions have had manipulative intentions. This post smells like you want someone to back you up so you can you avoid accountability.

If you do everything in a charming, respectful manner, including walking away, it makes these situations trivial.

Work on your body, mind, and social circles until the resentment is gone. Only then should you consider saying anything to her.

I did offer to reschedule, I apologised straight away and spoke to her again a couple of days later about meeting. My original message has come across wrong as it wasn't my intention to manipulate, although I understand why you think I would.

I'm fully accountable for my actions, I'm wrong a lot of the time and not looking for anyone to back me up. Sometimes, we only see what we want to see though.
Thanks for the reply.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I did offer to reschedule, I apologised straight away and spoke to her again a couple of days later about meeting. My original message has come across wrong as it wasn't my intention to manipulate, although I understand why you think I would.

I'm fully accountable for my actions, I'm wrong a lot of the time and not looking for anyone to back me up. Sometimes, we only see what we want to see though.
Thanks for the reply.

So what was the purpose of removing her from your socials if not to get her attention? You can put people in ignore categories so that they don't show on your feeds.

If you countered and she declined and went cold then you say ok and leave the ball in her court. Just getting to brass tacks here, why the struggle to keep your distance until she reaches out? Why the interest in how she might be feeling about you being distant?

 

[Millard Fillmore]

This reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld. George had a feeling his gf was going to dump him, but he reasoned she couldn't break up if she couldn't get in touch with him.

 

[Bokanovsky]

We're both 40, divorced, kids etc and plenty of baggage on her end.

Out of curiosity, why do you want her back? At 40, you should be dating women who are at least 5 years younger. This seems like a perfect opportunity to trade her in for a newer model.

 

[Nitrozv20]

sounds like she didnt like you sticking to your frame. Have you cancelled on her before or did you bend to her every request?