Being passive vs Putting her on hold?

[MisterMcGee]

I'd like to ask this girl out, we've known each other for a while and dont see each other often. I'm not looking to date right now, though, as I've got other things going on. I'm forced to see her around once every twoish weeks.
If I don't ask her out, do I essentially lose out on this opportunity? I mean, I don't want to be friendzoned just because I didn't make a move. I'm not making a move because I don't want to, not because I'm afraid or whatnot. There are other things in my life that take priority right now.

So, by not making a move, do I essentially become unwillingly friendzoned and lose all chances with her? Remember, I'm forced to see her every now and then in a certain environment. I'm not being all friendly and getting close to her in the meantime, of course. I'm not an AFC, I'd just rather ask her out on my own terms in the future.
So is there a difference between a DJ who doesn't make a move on a girl, and an AFC who is passive and wusses out of making a move on a girl?


One of my friends (a girl) told me that girls don't cement guys into the friendzone unless they are ridiculous or AFC (she gave me a prime example lmao). She said it's not impossible to start talking again to someone you used to talk to and have them be interested in you - it happens.
Another friend of mine told me something like:
"it wouldn't really matter if he asked after a while because the girl would just think "well i guess for a while there he just wanted to be friends and now he's interested in more". if you're not all wimpy and obvious about liking the girl, she's not gonna be like "geeze i know he's interested, he needs to just ask already"

 

[Furyguy]

I'd say you're fine.

I was friends with a girl for two years before making a move. Only reason I didn't was because I wasn't interested in her romantically. It's not like I was interested but scared, or getting shut down. Then one night we just had this connection out of nowhere and two days later we were together. And this was after seeing her basically every day for two years straight since we worked together and hung out with all the same crowd. She was a perfect 10, too.

I've had other **** develop after years of being friends with girls as well. Sometimes things just happen.

Don't think too hard about it. As long as you remain a cool guy and she doesn't start thinking about you "like a brother" I think she'll be open to the idea. **** can happen between friends or casual acquaintances no problem.

You DO run the risk of losing her to someone else in the meantime, though. There's also the other problem of you losing interest in her, which does happen too.

 

[MisterMcGee]

That's interesting. I'd like to hear what others have to say, cause technically 'textbook' stuff says that these types of scenarios are a lost cause.

 

[Ollie]

I've personally never known girls to friendzone a guy because he didn't make a move...they typically do it because there's no attraction or mystery involved. I have a lot of friendgirls and they're always talking about guys and wondering if they're interested and they try to figure out why he hasn't made a move, but I've never heard one say "He's waited too long. I don't see him like that anymore. if she see's you in a romantic/sexual way she'll continue to unless you give her reason to see you in a different way. Just out of curiosity though, why can't you ask her out now? You say you have other things going on, but casually dating someone is a lot different than being in a relationship with them. You wouldn't be able to go out like once a week or every other week even? She probably won't friendzone you, but I do see it happen where the girl's waiting for a guy to make a move and someone else asks them out, and they go even though the don't like guy #2 as much. You might miss your chance.

 

[MisterMcGee]

I'd much rather start things with her 'fresh'. I kinda did the whole 'wait for IOIs from her and then snipe' thing, except I didn't snipe cause it all caught up to me how silly the situation was. She got cold on me near the holidays, which kinda shocked me cause we were getting closer up until then (getting more playful, teasing, and a bit flirty during the couple times I saw her before christmas).

I'm obviously not going into details about the whole situation, I've just cared less about it since then and I've been getting on with other things. I havent been receptive or attentive to her recently simply because I don't really care. However, she has been attentive and such (saying hi cheerily, approaching, complimented my clothing, etc).

One of the reasons I'd rather not start things with her now is because I'd rather start fresh. I simply see her as a girl im interested in now, and I'm throwing out everything that happened in the past out the window - it only makes things seem more complicated when it isn't. I'm also busy lately, will only get more busy when my school gets off strike soon, and I don't have my full driver's license yet (which I found has hampered my confidence, so I'm going to fix that).

This girl is an HB9 and hasn't had a boyfriend (she's 17). I'd much rather ask her out after not seeing her for a while in the future and start fresh from there. We're part of the same social circle (work), which is why it's not an anything-goes balls-to-the-wall scenario for me. It's easier to do nothing with this girl - to move on with things and other girls while simply seeing her as a potential interest for the time being.
I just feel chumpish for considering such a thing.

 

[AAAgent]

i'm in the same exact situation except that a year earlier i hooked up with the girl. we both were in a relationship, she was in a bad one and i was really upset at the time...i don't think she knew. She's always seen me as the playboy but we kept in touch and act like good friends.

Last week we ended up hugging before she left instead of hugging and letting go i just held on for like 30 seconds as if i didn't want her to leave. she stayed holding me as well until her friend made her go. as she was getting out of the car she said to her friend "I was working my game, y did you do that." we all heard it lol.

she called me 10 minutes later saying that she'd make the night up to me since i helped front the bill.

the relationship has never gotten further than what it is now because i find myself attracted to her but i just don't get that feeling like it will last long. I was dating 2 other girls at the same time when i was dating her like a year ago. one of the girls became my gf.

She is my good friend and i don't want to have anything sexual going on with her and then just tell her its not going to work and ruin my friendship...make more girls hate me...i've known some of her friends for a while, and recently just met her sister..

im really confused what to do with her as well so my situation is similar to mistermcgee's.

so the options i have are. make her my gf/plate/friends. im leaning more towards plate/friends but we'll see. i will probably make a decision by tonight since its been about 3 days since the last incident.

 

[MisterMcGee]

It's actually not similar at all and has nothing to do with the topic. Your situation has to do with rejecting this girl or not. Mine has to do with being into a girl, but putting her on hold for the future.

 

[AAAgent]

by rejecting this girl or basically not making a move i am still leaving her as a future option.

not making a move still leaves things to work with, by making a move and having it be the wrong move almost always ruins things beyond repair. i have always been interested in this girl to a certain extent, just nothing to make me cookoo over.

just wasn't sure if i should let it work itself out and see how it goes from there or should i act on it and see where it goes from there. we've always had some sort of attraction that leads to awkwardness alot like saturdays hugging and not letting go. having dinner together or kissing when we both had bf/gf.

 

[MisterMcGee]

"not making a move still leaves things to work with"
Ah right, I understand what you mean here. I'm not in the friend zone and neither are you, its just a task of keeping it that way as time passes until you decide to make a move in the future.

"i have always been interested in this girl to a certain extent, just nothing to make me cookoo over. "
Yeah, it's that lack of passion that keeps us from taking action. We need to remember, though, that it's perfectly normal to not be 'cookoo' over a girl that we haven't dated yet. Maybe it's that we feel attracted on a more 'normal' level that makes us hesitate and wait it out (I used to be pretty nice-guyish a year ago, so this may be one of the side-effects of getting your sh!t together as a dude).
When you have a oneitis, it's easier to make a move cause you really really want to. When she's just another girl, you aren't sure if you want to commit to her.
But remember, it's 'just dating'.

 

[AAAgent]

the GREAT disaster!

well i made it clear i didn't want to be just friends anymore.

here's what i said: (we had like 4 beers at a bar already at that time)

me:hey, so we've been friends for over a year now right?
hbc:ya, we have.
me:so during our friendship i felt like there may a few moments where we could of taken our friendship a little bit further, and i wanted to know if you wanted to see where this could take us. if we took the extra step.
hbc:.......................................................................(total silence besides for the loud ass bar music) wow.. i wasn't expecting that.
me:we can talk about it later if you want.
hbc:ya lets talk about it later.

this was when i caught her on her way back from the bathroom. so we head back and sit down for a few minutes and she's sitting on my lap now.

i ask again.

me:so did you feel the same way, about there sometimes being something more than just a friendship.
hbc: ...ya, there was something more than just a friendship but you had (ex's name)
me: (i said something that totally did not make any sense when i think about it.) ya but i met you first. (ok so i met my friend first but i end up going out with someone else anyway. ya that line didn't work, but i don't think she noticed. she probably just heard words coming out of my mouth and thought they were meaningful)

we get interrupted and don't talk about the topic the rest of the night.
i kino her alot and she hugs me and gets really close. we sing like 4-5 songs together and get the whole bar to sing. every there thinks we're going out cause we're all close and lovey dovey even though she's the one acting it.

i end up footing part of the bill but way more than i expected.it was $1 beers and her and i had about 17 and 2 sake bombs.

then i end up having to drive her friend home about 20 something minutes away and im low on gas. her friend was a HB-10. on the way back to her friends place she passes out then wakes up and PUKES all over the back seat of my car and partially on me. i was ****ing pissed. im soo broke that i don't have money to take my tank off of empty unless i go deposit my change(quarters,etc) nor do i have money for a car wash...

to top everything off, when it was just her friend and i in the car waiting for hbc, her friend tells me how she's been trying to go after me for the longest time but i had a girlfriend and she would tell her things about me...and she named them..then she says something like her boyfriends an *******...

me:wait....she has a boyfriend?!
hb -10:ya
me:she told me they broke up a while ago. so they're still together,
hb-10:ya he's a ****. i knew you were better for her from the start.
me:she never told me they were together.
hb-10:you have a girlfriend though.

hbc is coming into the car now

hb-10:all that info is between u n her, i didn't say anything.
mek

 

[Furyguy]

I thought rule number 1 of this place is that you NEVER ****ing 'tell a girl how you feel about her.'

Did I miss something?

 

[AAAgent]

i didn't really care about the outcome, if it was good then plus for me if not i really don't care.

i was just tired of bouncing back and forth and always ending up back on this girl.

 

[MisterMcGee]

I thought rule number 1 of this place is that you NEVER ****ing 'tell a girl how you feel about her.'

Did I miss something?

Sometimes you gotta break general rules in strange situations in order to shake sh!t up.

 

[Furyguy]

True. Was this a strange situation?

"I developed feelings for the girl I was always 'just friends' with." That is like one of the most common complaints around here.

Show her, don't tell her? Escalate, don't say 'let's talk about our feelings'?

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm still looking for guidance, any further input would be appreciated.

 

[MisterMcGee]

I agree, but relationships aren't as simply generalized like that. If it worked to some extent for this dude, it doesn't mean it'd work for AFC#184,234,230 who has a crush on a friend of his. If AAA has game and sexual energy, then it's possible the girl could be crushing on him from the friend-line.
You can ask many girls who their boyfriends were before they were going out, and they'll tell you the truth - "we were friends first". Of course, he wasn't a platonic friend, but he happened to be in the same social circle as her for a while and they got to know each other a bit before they took it further. It's not taboo so long as you don't get your feet too deep.
You can't expect, or be expected, to hit on EVERY attractive girl asap that you meet 'by chance' through social circles. Sometimes you're occupied with other things, or have a girlfriend, or don't get much face time with her, or whatever.

But if you're sarging or whatnot, then of course go for it, don't get in the friend zone. If you like a girl and really want to ask her out, then stop being friendly and start being sexual.

"I developed feelings for the girl I was always 'just friends' with." That is like one of the most common complaints around here.

No. One of the common complaints are guys who like a girl, and choose to be friends with her so she can see that he's a 'nice guy' , and then he decides to take a sniper shot at her out of nowhere and ask her out.
What this guy did was simply become interested in a girl he knows.

 

[AAAgent]

i did show her before that i had feelings for her, well we both showed each other....we both felt different about it. she probably wanted me to continue with her and i didn't want to so we kept friends. i rarely saw her after that but kept things mutual.

i still wanted to keep the friendship and i felt like if i did the same thing again and made a move then didn't want it anymore that would be the draw of the line. i'd still like to be able to call her out sometimes and chill when im bored while i build up my social circle and also possible have her introduce me to other hb's later on.

dropping her twice i don't think would stand too well with her or getting her up for the letdown.

anyways i texted her saying she owe's me a really fancy home cooked dinner, and she agreed.


im positive i was never friendzoned to the point of brotherhood.

 

[MisterMcGee]

Yeah the brotherhood friendship is hard to get to if I like the girl. Usually if I don't care about where we head sexually I let it just be a friendly relationship. Otherwise I keep my game up