Backslided

[reset]

Long post: I wasn't always AFC. But somehow I became one and lost my game. Got involved with a BPD chick about a year and a half ago (didn't last too long) and had my world completely flipped upside down. Down the rabbit hole. Started looking at myself, and this site was a big part of that.

So, after being here quite awhile, I learned a hell of a lot. And I used it. And it worked. I finally learned, to not put the chick on a pedestal. To not go out of your way for them. To not take them too seriously, be a little jerkish, but also cool, give them all the little things that push their buttons. Be a aggressive, then hang back for awhile and be aloof, To LET THEM CHASE YOU. Shyt tests are just games and you need to rise above them. Chicks making you jealous, is just to see if you care and if you can take the heat, so don't let it get to you.

I've used this stuff at work (I know, company pier). So starting with BPD girl over a year ago, I've had three girls at work who have chased me and tried to conquer me, and I could feel myself getting stronger and more aware. The last one did me in. The DJ things I learned worked really well, to the point that the girl left her boyfriend. All over me, had her in the palm of my hand, but the guy was a four year relationship. I wanted to take it to the next level, but I kept thinking "Don't be the REBOUND guy" and I started freaking out. "What am I getting myself involved with? Give her time to get over the relationship--you work together, blah blah."


She threw a curveball at me one day, and I just blew it, walked right into her trap, and told her I cared about her. Thought that was it, over. But, I knew at that point, to just leave her the hell alone, and she started chasing me again, kinoing me, it was on again. We worked together, one day she got fired. I found her on myspace, she tried to make me jealous---didn't go so well. Now she's gone, like in another country gone. I thought that she was, wait for it.... the "one".


Just totally blindsided. It's been five weeks now. I don't know what the healing time is, but after five weeks, I'm starting to get embarrassed at myself for thinking of her. And I get mad, I think of all the good things, how could she just throw it away, and I know the real answer, is that she lost interest. That's hard for the ego to accept---that the chick who was completely obsessed with you for months, just loses interest when you make a few AFC moves. And the lame thing is, while it was happening, and while I was making the AFC moves, I thought "reset--you dummy! You know better than this! Don't tell her what you feel! Don't give in to the shyt tests! Don't track her down on myspace and send messages! AFC! Weak! Don't do it! It's against everything you've learned, and everything you KNOW works!" But I guess that wasn't enough to stop me. So that's why I feel embarrassed, that I knew what I was doing was weak---yet did it anyway.

It's like I learned enough to actually get in the ring, and stay in the fight for more rounds than I thought possible, but in the end the chick won and I got knocked out.

Obviously, it's oneitis, I know that. I don't know what I want now. I don't really want another girl just yet. One thing oneitis does, when you are honest with yourself--is it shines a light on all the stuff in your life that isn't working. You wouldn't GET oneitis if the other things in your life are fulfilling. I realize that, and am going to just work on my LIFE. Get a new job, write great music, learn to take care of myself first. I guess after NEEDING a girl is gone, the girls will come. Always seems to work that way. This is the first time in over a year I haven't been sort of involved, even if in the gaming stage, with a chick. It's kind of nice in a way.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Did anyone here have experiences, where you thought you were on point, but still got smacked around? Getting your heart stomped on, actually turned out to help you in the long run?

 

[squirrels]

Dude, you can't get down on yourself when women start acting goofy. You have to go with your gut.

I've seen women outright disqualify THEMSELVES from being around me. When they do that, you have to LET them. You can't chase, because then they see you as desperate...you're chasing after a girl who has pretty much openly admitted she's not good enough for you.

Good old-fashioned romance just doesn't work. The reason it doesn't is because real life doesn't follow scripts. Real love rarely, if ever, happens like it ought to, and most people can't accept the way it DOES come into their lives...instead they ignore it and wait for some set of circumstances they dreamt up in their head to perfectly come to be.

That's why you have to SUCK them into your world...you can't go into theirs. Because women are romantic fantasy machines. You CAN'T be everything she ever dreamed of. You can NEVER make her dreams come true.

What you NEED to do is inspire her to dream NEW dreams, which you already ARE. That's why you have to play this game.

The healing time? It varies. If you're not bouncing back quickly, maybe you should try spending some "me" time. Forget women for a while. Despite popular belief, this CAN be done.

Not forever...just for a little while.

I'm not that much different from you. About this time last year, I was seeing maybe 4 different women...I was literally going out with one every day of the week. I started slipping in confidence...I asked the self-decimating question, "Who am *I* to be with these women", and they started falling away one by one.

I really fell hard for one of them...we had something very special and the situation was somewhat the same. She was in a relationship with a guy she didn't love, couldn't get away because they lived together, blah blah blah. I tried to convince her to change. But she had this thing in her head...she wanted to hurry up and settle down and start making babies with some guy because she felt like she didn't deserve to go out there and get what she wants. And I just wasn't the type to settle down very quick, even though I was ready to commit to her.

So she projected those ideas onto me, started to drag me down into her way of thinking, and I fell right into it. What can I say, it happens to everyone. She screwed me over good, but I dont' blame her so much. She's just a confused, insecure little girl. It's my fault. I let her do it.

I haven't had sex in about 8-9 months. I haven't even been on a date. I just haven't been trying. It really shook me and for a little while I just haven't been motivated to go out there and do that again. I really started to think it was my fault, that I should be "better" somehow. I also started listening to a lot of people who were running their own businesses, some of which acted like if you weren't a millionaire then you weren't sh!t, and I somehow started feeling that I didn't deserve a good woman because I didn't run my own business and couldn't provide for or inspire her.

It's easy to catch a mind-fvck when you're down like that. It's taken a long time to deprocess what I've been through in the last couple months and really make a lesson out of it. I'm almost there. I went out again for the first time last weekend...pulled two sets of digits. I'm not going to call either one, but it felt good to be back in the game. But I don't really regret taking so much time off.

I'll leave you with this, since I've said too much already. When you see something you dislike in someone else, it's usually because it reflects something you don't like or are insecure about in yourself. The "bad" things that happen in life are there to teach you lessons, and people more than anything else appear in your life for a reason.

You should do what makes you happy, what makes you feel good. Life is a f*cking joke, some tune that God is playing on a banjo to pass the time, and all you are just a note on a string. Don't make too much of it.

 

[reset]

I'll leave you with this, since I've said too much already. When you see something you dislike in someone else, it's usually because it reflects something you don't like or are insecure about in yourself. The "bad" things that happen in life are there to teach you lessons, and people more than anything else appear in your life for a reason.

Thanks man, and I agree. I did get sucked into her world. At least for several months it was her getting sucked into mine, I know next time I'll be that much more aware of what's going on. It's really shown me, or re-confirmed, that I really have to be the one making things happen for myself, not just women but in every aspect of my life. I think I fell into the trap of thinking thet girl was going to be the answer to everything, which is backwards.

But while it was happening, a lot of the things in life I had been ignorning, or putting aside, came to the surface, I got to face many things, and started thinking about a new direction in life. Maybe her purpose was to get me in that mode, not to be around while I was in that mode.

 

[Interceptor]

Reset, you got used to the feeling of warmth and openness. You fell into the vulnerability trap. You felt like you wanted to put your cards on the table.

Which is all well and good.

But you probably did it too early. And she knew she didn't deserve it.

You wanted to just come clean and be done with it.
But yiou have realized that the interactions must be you rdomain of influence and power. That is, you do everyting from a strong, powerful , confident, and genuone perspective.

You don't need anyone's validation.
You don't need to be "accepted". Or "liked".
You may have felt she was the "one". So you felt it could be "different with her."
You may have rationalized your behavior and felt justified since she was obviously the "one".


It's important ot make the realization and internal acceptance, that The "One" WILL still Be a Human. A flesh and blood Woman.
Not a supernatural being.
She still needs sex, emotional supprt and intimacy, and all the things a good healthy woman desires from her man.



You need to understand that the "one" will have similar emotional development as you, She will have had similar experiences as you, thus, perhaps a similar outlook. She will have close to the emotional maturity as you. And will possibly have the same sensitivity and sensibilities as you too.

My guess this woman had none of these.


The "one' HAS to be your compliment. This is more than just compatible.
And preferably, a woman who is actually a better person, in that she inspires you to be a better person too.


But you forgot that she was just a woman. And all woman are biologically the same,. In that they almost all respond to the same primal impulses of attraction and behavior.
This means you have to keep doing what you were doing to attract and keep her attracted.


It is very important to make an internal shift to believe that the owmna you want to be with should not be treated like your sister or mother.

I remember an author who was an expert on relationships saying that he tries to be the guy that his wife would cheat on him with. Sounds weird or counterintuitive...
But if you think about it, it is right on the money.
But it takes a detachment. A total lack of neediness. And an internal belief system that has been rewired from thinking it's ok to treat the woman you love like your mother,or sister(I'm not saying you did) or "best friend" ( the best friend dynamic isn't common, and it's not as bad as many think, but the criteria for both partners to maintain strong sexuality and attraction and romance is high. It takes maturity, and character. It's not common.) and still expect her to have sexual thoughts and attraction for you, when the truth is that a woman needs to be stimulated for her attention. But so do we. Now th stimulation does not always have to be active, it can just be who you are. If you are such a HV guy, she will be attracted to you.

(This is the actual true Don Juan ideal. Simply BE such high value, that women "chase" YOU) But it's important that we must keep that up. It's just called being realiztic, and realizing that again, the wonmna is going to think and respod like a woman.

Women do not think like men. So they do not respond or view the same things as men.

Try to understand the way Women view things.

Now I am not saying "identify" with women.
I am adviocating Being "in tune" with women. Find her groove. And "relate" to Her.




You have to integrate and internalize all the teachings so that is your new reality.Your Paradigm Shift in dealing with women.

From strength, and confidence..not neediness or seeking validation or acceptance.

My feeling is that you might have "pedastled" her.
You went with your instincts because you trusted those instincts.
But, Reset, here's the thing.....

That "instinct" was the "programmed" Reset thinking. It wasn't the new Reset with integrated and internalized beliefs.I believe you listened to the wrong guy. And my guess was that you took things too fast, without her qualifying for it.


I'm thinking "out loud" with this, so I may be off the mark or maybe cliose to it...
Let me know what you think.

 

[Interceptor]

ANother thing to add is that it is important to do , as you later realized, that we must CREATE the "world" we live in.

A woman wants IN on your world.

She only sucks in a man into her frame for guaranteed security.
Women with strong frames, and opinions and preferences do this more often.
It's their "reality".

But if you have a strong enough IDENTITY, PREFERENCE, IDEAS, and OPINIONS.. she will not have as much of an IMPACT on you.

A Man must LEAD.
He must be the one to take charge and create the world.

The woman either accpets and wants in on his world, or is left behind.

Never, EVER, EVER look to a woman to create your world.

ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS, have an opinion, a direction, preference, and ideas of WHAT YOU WANT.
KNOW YOURSELF.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

AT ALL TIMES.

THIS IS WHAT WOMEN"WANT".

they WANT " YOU".

Who are YOU?

 

[reset]

Thanks Interceptor.

But you probably did it too early. And she knew she didn't deserve it.

Well, it was after about eight months of her pursuing me, but I held back as she had the BF. This is the same chick you may remember when I was talking about the power struggle. We had a big one, I think I came out on top, then she started talking to me about leaving the BF. And in the same sentence, that she was going to move to europe for awhile to teach english. I didn't say anything, but she kept probing me on how long I was going to be at the job, if I wanted to stay in the same area, branch-testing. Once she told me she was leaving the BF, we instantly vibed even better, it was just happening. I didn't say anything about my feelings. A few days later she kept going on and on about moving away, then looking at me, I could tell she was trying to get it out of me, and I walked right into it. And as soon as I did it, I knew it was the "old reset". It just sort of HAPPENED. I got the LJBF thing and walked right out of it and basically terminated the conversation, and all contact with her. She waited awhile and then came after me again. Before she got fired, she was coming after me even more, very aggressive. She lost the job, I waited a week and contacted her, "How are you doing?" --she tried to make me jealous, I basically said "good luck with your life" in as classy a way I could think of.

Besides the one instance of me being a total AFC, I never chased after her, or acted like a friend. I still busted her balls every time I saw her, and she actually tried to start qualifying herself to me again. At least I knew enough to regroup, the INSTANT I came out with my feelings. Not once did I act like a friend, but I probably appeared weak after that, in any case.

You need to understand that the "one" will have similar emotional development as you, She will have had similar experiences as you, thus, perhaps a similar outlook. She will have close to the emotional maturity as you. And will possibly have the same sensitivity and sensibilities as you too.

My guess this woman had none of these.

Not really. We had a hell of a lot in common and did vibe in a way I hadn't before, but it's only now I'm letting myself look at the crap she pulled on me, all the power struggles. I did pretty well throwing them back at her, or trying to step around them, but she was testing me for everything I was worth. I didn't want to face the fact that she seemed like a taker, inflexible. She always had to have her way. I felt I deserved better than that but I was still trying to "Win". None of the drama happened until just before I came clean, when things were heating up. It was her way of seeing if I cared, and if I would be walked over. I give myself a "B".

The "one' HAS to be your compliment. This is more than just compatible.
And preferably, a woman who is actually a better person, in that she inspires you to be a better person too.

She did build me up a little. She was of higher quality than I'm used to, but that might not be saying much. Bottom line, she fell for me hard as I made her qualify, but at the same time, didn't seem to have that caring, giving quality that I want. Maybe I could have brought that out of her, but I want that stuff early on. For most of it, I qualified her. There was a power shift, and I started doing it instead. I lost.

Everything else you say, I totally agree with. Although, not once did I treat her like my sister or mother. All I did was qualify and make fun of/tease her. She loved it. It's why she kept coming. I was in the drivers seat up until, well the end when we switched sides.

At this point I just need to focus on the stuff you said. I am not a pushover and I do not treat girls like friends, I never come across that way. I'm just still learning. And I'm learning, that I actually need more than just to be desired by a chick that I'm interested in. I want a quality chick who is GIVING. Everyone thought she was a bytch. I chose to overlook that. I knew it was there, just didn't want to see it. I thought the power plays were fun, but they were drama. Maybe I'm still sending out "drama vibrations", I don't know. I don't want drama or power struggles or jealousy or mind games. That's been the pattern, have to put a stop to it.

It's probably better that she's gone. Maybe someone is looking out for me. It just feels good to get this crap out. I have to move on.

 

[reset]

She only sucks in a man into her frame for guaranteed security.
Women with strong frames, and opinions and preferences do this more often.
It's their "reality".

But if you have a strong enough IDENTITY, PREFERENCE, IDEAS, and OPINIONS.. she will not have as much of an IMPACT on you.

A Man must LEAD.
He must be the one to take charge and create the world.

Well when I was ahead, that's what I was doing. Qualifying, constantly. It was an eight month-long process of her proving herself to me. Everytime she said something I disagreed with, I picked it apart and threw it right back at her. I never DIDN'T do that. I keep harping on this because everything you just wrote, is actually how I see myself interacting with women. I DO all that stuff. It's how I am. I wouldn't have gotten that far with her otherwise. In spite of that, the neediness must have just "spoke louder", even though I continued to qualify and bust her balls up until the end. Maybe I'm still a little confused about what went wrong. I had enough credit stored that just being honest shouldn't have undone everything else.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Reset, I think most of us had our hearts stomped on at some point, at least I did. It was a major oneitis for me, "the one", that had me find this site.

You've gotten some great responses (interceptor, squirrels).

When I think back on my oneitis, I just smile now and know that I learned a sh!tload about women since. I smile, and realize that I have no regrets. I'll take getting my heart stomped as a feeling, a reminder, that I haven't quit and am still alive.

So, don't get bitter about women whatever you do! There is nothing wrong with taking a break from women also, and focusing on yourself.

Live and learn.

And remember..what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, as a person. People get weak from lack of experience, in life. You are stronger now.

 

[reset]

Thanks Mr.Positive. Something I've learned over the years, is the girls that I coudln't get over, I got over. This won't be any different. And I wouldn't have gotten this far with her if I hadn't learned from what went wrong with the others. I'm that much more prepared for the next one.

I know that a lot of the stuff, just won't happen again. I didn't come here to learn about myself and women just to repeat mistakes. Thanks for the point about being bitter. I'm just that closer to finding a better chick.

 

[STR8UP]

A Man must LEAD.
He must be the one to take charge and create the world.

The woman either accpets and wants in on his world, or is left behind.

Never, EVER, EVER look to a woman to create your world.

If anyone is looking for a one answer solution to the problem with dealing with women, this is it.

If you only remember ONE thing, it should be the fact that the MAN needs to set the frame and ADHERE to it. Anything less is asking for complications.