Approach anxeity...I don't know what else to do!

[Viking25]

This is my biggest SP..well actually it is way too big to be a just a point. More like the only thing that holds me back in life and with women. Nothing really worked for me yet…I am still avoiding cold approaching women. I have read few good articles about it on sosuave and an e-book called “The dynamic approach” by Gunwitch. I have even addressed this with my therapist a year ago. Still..I just can’t do it. I have the same reaction of horror deep inside of me when I even think about a cold approach.

“Just do it” doesn’t work…analyzing it doesn’t work…
I went tru the bootcamp and I got all the HI's and smiles and small talks very easily...but the actual cold approach part didn't work.

I want to describe the way I react when I see a girl I want to approach…maybe it sounds familiar to somebody. Basically. I feel like running away and avoiding the whole situation. I feel immediately out of my comfort zone. I can realize that and still continue approach…but in the last second I always decide not to this one time.

This is almost identical to how I feel in class…I am afraid to ask questions or speak out loud.

Yet…I don’t have a problem to go up to a girl in the club and ask her if she wants to fukk! When I know I am really not try to get anywhere with her…I don’t feel as nervous.

I have also went to a different city far from where I live and attempted to do some approaches. I was thinking that even if I made a complete fool out of myself, no one know me here anyway. I was not able to do any approaches.Same problem…in the last moment I decide not to. I really need help with this.

 

[Atreides05]

I used to have some trouble approaching girls, I reflected on this and found the problem was my fear, fear of what I dunno, but fear is from the mind, so the answer to defeating it (at first) is turning it off. Just go on autopilot. For instance, if you see a girl u wanna talk to, turn your brain off. Create a general outline of a cold approach before hand and go for it. Later on as you get more confident you don't need to go on autopilot and realize there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

 

[a difficult guy]

Originally posted by Viking25


“Just do it” doesn’t work…analyzing it doesn’t work…

This is almost identical to how I feel in class…I am afraid to ask questions or speak out loud.

mmm...Same for me: neither rational analysis or turning my brain on autopilot worked, my nervousness would always be present, as much as I tried to hide it, obviously the girl would notice it.

My opinion on this one is that you need to work deeper on your inner game: self-confidence, emotions mastery, self-image, how to talk to yourself, be a better person, more interesting, etc...

this is the way it worked for me: when I decided to change and to be a better person, and actually did it, I began to see myself differently, to believe in myself, to think I was worthy of saying hi to someone I don't know.

I'm still working on that inner game everyday, that's what it takes, everyday some more work on yourself.

if you need tips on where to begin with your inner game, just ask.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

Well, maybe cold approaches just aren't for you.... there are other ways to meet women (parties, clubs, work, classes, etc.) so you don't have to pick up COMPLETE strangers, and this is what most guys do, even those with hot women. I like cold approaches because of the infinite selection, but I admit they are often less successful than other ways, simply because the girl doesn't know you very well. Umm, let me give you a simple tip for an "approach." First, don't call it an "approach," but think of it as just a way of being social, and then when you actually talk to her, keep it simple and casual. Don't immediately ask for the # (this could work, but not a good idea), but talk to her a little to build rapport, let her get to know you, and then after 5 mins or so, pretend you have to do something else important and break it off on a good note, but get her # at this point. When most loser guys talk to a girl, interest is written all over them, and they basically proceed to kiss her ass. Don't do it. Act as if she is your friend and you want nothing from her. Don't worry too much about the techniques, but you need to throw in some teasing, a bit of coc-kiness (to demonstrate supreme confidence), and above all, make her laugh. If you can make her laugh, you are doing well. Remember to give this girl a lot of space though. Your approach was just to make yourself known to her. You should call a few days later, but remain rather indifferent, merely giving her the opportunity to hang out with you. If she is interested, there you go... if not, just back off and give her some time. Girls take a while to settle into new relationships, most likely not because they are really picky and need the perfect man, but because they fear rejection even more than us (supposedly).

I once again have written too much, but you see, you have to take things a lot less seriously if you want success, and you have to just go with the flow... you should have a BASIC plan (possible openers, when to advance on her, how and what you might tease her about) but beyond that, you should just use instinct and use her cues to make advances. Sounds complicated, it isn't really, because most things can be done automatically. If you are confident, and your inner game are right, you will automatically do the right things.

 

[solo1]

i can relate. Im still trying to develop the ability to cold approach/ice break with girls.

The problem is thinking and fear of outcome. an example would be me thinking about how to set an ice breaker after her showing obvious signs of interest. The more i thought about it the more nervous i got because i was probably subconsciously afraid of screwing up. But even still, a lot of times you just have to tell yourself "fvck it, it's now or never". And that's what i did.

No matter how uncomfortable you may feel beforehand or during the approach, you just have to go through with it. Just consider an attempt at something a win compard to not trying at all, which is a loss. The more you do something the more it will become 2nd nature eventually.

As they old saying goes, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"...

 

[pimpfromdayone]

I might have mentioned it before, but I actually get more nervous in front of large groups of people than I do while approaching a hot girl. You're right though, you have to just do it, and don't think. Be impulsive, and put yourself on autopilot, like a computer executing a program but you don't care about the outcome. You can completely detach yourself from the situation like this. For some people, being nervous and shy is hardwired so deeply in them that they can't just start doing this stuff and expect full confidence right away. No matter how hard some people try, they will turn red and speak less clearly... the thing is, the more they think about it and are self-conscious, the worse it gets. Stop thinking, and you'll be much better off. Why are there so many successful dumbass guys out there? Simple, they don't think.

Your fear is that you will take a major hit to your confidence if you fail. All guys have this fear at one point, and it's hard to ignore, even with rock-solid confidence..... nobody likes to get rejected, but as I said, you have to sorta detach yourself from the situation. The more you look inward on yourself and question your actions/appearance/confidence the worse you will be. Here is my tip: when you are going to approach a girl, think like a dumbass.

 

[ShyRyder]

I think it’s really important to isolate exactly your fear. Once you do you’ll be able to reason and eventually, hopefully prove it untrue. Rejection is the one fear that varies with your self-esteem and hard to get completely on top. But Once you do a couple its really no biggie. Fear of making a fool of myself and not knowing what to say are my hang ups. You have to realize people don’t care about you enough to remember some guy that approach them. Just find a way to make those first ones regardless of how it gets down. Eventually you’ll get good at it. Or so I’ve been told

 

[Schlep]

Like pimp said, all you're doing is being social. Make a little small talk like you would with any other human being. If she's acting all nervous, adjusting her hair, smiling, etc then you've got it made. If she's giving you one word answers and seems annoyed you're there, move on to the next. You're putting way too much thought into it.

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

you need a good wingman that you can act silly with. Me and my former friend would go places and act a little silly, joke with each other etc and there was always a couple of girls that would look and smile and BOOM....we were in their booth at Dennys or wherever or talking to them very casually, bullsh***ng them and joking and that always got the ball rolling.

 

[solo1]

Next time you approach a girl think of this incentive:

"she's showing signs of interest, if i dont approach now, she'll think im not interested and move on."

half the times, the next time you see a girl, they already would have lost interest because tehy think you're not interested from not approaching them.

A lot of times if i talk to someone randomly girl/guy, and if i have no real intentions in mind other than chatting im fine. But when time comes when you are after something or desire things that you know are out of your control...only then does anxiety surfaces...Uncertainty.

Im sure if we were all psychics and could tell the future, every being on this planet would be 100% confident of their actions. or would they? if they foresaw their horrible death..and no matter what they did, their demise would be inevitable...if they feared death, would they be anxious? yes. if they didnt fear death? of course not.
What is there to fear about the known outcome? in most situations, nothing.
What is there to fear about the unknown outcome? we have everything to gain and anything to lose. And then there's neutral...no losses or gains, back to point A.

If you trained your mind to think of appraoches as a learning experience and has everything to gain...then by all means all DJ's on this board would be on their first step to success. Similar to the concept of "the glass is half full."

 

[LIME!]

I often get nervous as well. I don't have any rational reason for it because, really, what is she going to do? Odd that the higher brain centers would be responsible for such stupid fears. Yeah, I agree, shut the f*ucker down!

It might help to know that girls are rarely rude. They want conflict less than we do. Most rejections are nice and easy. If she's on the rag (about 1% of the time), who cares? I waste less time with a rude girl who's not into me than a nice one.

Another good reason: sometimes they say yes.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

On the rag 1% of the time? Actually, I know it occurs once every 28 days and I think the duration (on average) is 3 days, so we're talking about closer to 10% of the time, haha, just to be technical. Doesn't matter though, I just enjoy posting useless info.

 

[everywomanshero]

Viking25

Have you tried going out with a wingman? Most guys I know who cannot do it alone can make the approaches with a little help. It helps create the image of a video game or a movie script rather than real life.

I tend to think of my entire life as a movie with me being the star. It helps ease my mind from being too concentrated on the result. I just want great experience and to make a great movie rather than be focused on one specific day being successful.

 

[LIME!]

Yeah, I stand corrected. 10% on the rag... unless she's on the pill like she's supposed to be.

Viking, just make it a goal to do just one cold approach this week. You'll be amazed how easy it is. I know I was.

 

[Bonhomme]

"Warm up" your approaches

What's made the biggest difference for me has been developing the traits that automatically "warm up" the gals so it doesn't even feel like I'm "approaching" them in most cases.

Work on your eye contact and the way you present and carry yourself. If you present yourself well, and make relaxed, friendly eye contact and a smile with gals you're attracted to, more and more will smile back, and some might even hit on you. Don't even think of it as "approaching" a gal to "hook up with her," or anything like that. Just enjoy the environment, and chat with her for its own sake. The less you expect from it, the easier it is. If things go from there, all the better.

Rather than make it a challenge, make it as easy as possible.