Advice on getting happy again. BPD ex

[petegunderson]

BlueAlpha, I dont think I am going to have a problem with NC, as the worst is over because its been 3.5 months and I have learned my lesson from the first couple attempts to reach out early on (because i wanted closure) and she essentially destroyed me emotionally. She literally called me pathetic, talk about hitting rock bottom. Thats when I started to realize that she is actually souless. Absolutely no empathy or remorse.

My biggest fear however, is that my birthday is coming up and if she actually did try a hoover attempt it would be then. She very well could text me happy birthday, as I caught her doing that with an ex while I was with her. Im emotionally preparing my self in case that happens. Many times during the relationship she would ask me if we ever broke up if we could be FBuddies. What kind of woman asks that? She was literally setting me up to be an orbiter like all her other little ex boyfriends are. Well not me. No thanks.

I'm not sure yet what I will do if she does text me though. If I dont respond, I dont want to give her the satisfaction of her knowing im ignoring her because then she'll know she hurt me, and she'll get off on that in her own twisted way. Part of me just wants to say "thanks" and just sound indifferent. but I know the answer here is NC for life. Even if that means she thinks she won.

 

[Moroder]

I'm not sure yet what I will do if she does text me though.

Block her on your phone right now and you won't have to worry about it. Also, as a precaution, you may want to consider an out-of-town or even out-of-state birthday party. Why not fly to some city you've always wanted to visit? Just go there on your own or with a friend, and relish in the fact that this evil person is no longer poisoning your soul.
Also, I have found that you need to use EVERY resource to recover from a BPD ex. They screw up your self-esteem, your sense of self, your beliefs, everything. So you need to fight back with everything you've got. Make sure you get rid of that depression - St. John's Wort and/or some shrink talks can be very helpful. If your leg's broken, you'll see a doctor right away, so do the same if someboy broke your soul or tried to f- with it. Most of all, though, be aware that it will take some time for you to recover but you WILL thrive and never make that mistake again. Welcome to the club and all the best.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm not sure yet what I will do if she does text me though. If I dont respond, I dont want to give her the satisfaction of her knowing im ignoring her because then she'll know she hurt me, and she'll get off on that in her own twisted way. Part of me just wants to say "thanks" and just sound indifferent. but I know the answer here is NC for life. Even if that means she thinks she won.

If you're strong enough, you can text her whatever you want. A flippant 'Love ya babe!' is fine as long as you don't really care. NC is about pretending you don't care, but once you actually reach that point, contact should not matter.

 

[GS750]

no contact is for you. who cares what she thinks or if she feels like she won. be glad this toxic witch is out of your life and dont worry about it. and block her so you're not tempted to reply.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

petegunderson, you're still in the wrong mindset. Sorry bud, but you didn't get anything I said. You actually used the word "fear" I see.

Read this and pay attention http://newdarktriad.com/fear/

 

[fuko2007]

Ill help you out with some very basic rules to feeling better while your healing> Note i said to feeling better not getting over it. It will take a while to get over it. Im 3 months in from my break up with a 100% full on bpd or npd whatever you want to name her. I got all the head fvcking and games we all talk about. It sucks im still suffering ALOT. Now on to some steps.

1. Delete your facebook and all social media. "don't give us excuses that you want to make her jealous etc. Why would you want her back?"

2. Avoid anywhere you might see her. " Bars, clubs, restaurants, etc. Even change the store you might shop at if you might see her there by chance"

3. Phone numbers, email, texts, pictures etc. Delete them all. " we don't want you going back through them one night when you get drunk and reminiscing on the good times."

4. Gifts, throw them away if you have to or put them up. "reference number 3 to understand this"

5. Mutual friends. If you find yourself hanging with friends that know her don't ask about her and if you have to, ask them not to talk about her. " why would you want to know whats going on in her life when she does not care about yours."

6. Change your routine. Dont stick with your old one as it might make you think about her. "I.E. instead of Netflix Saturday at your place or what ever y'all did go do something else. Anything else that is that wouldn't normally involve her".

7. The most important one. YOU. Focus on yourself man. Even if your feeling crappy and hate yourself or whatever remember who YOU are. And at one time or another you were fine before you met her. When feel down or out remember there is a whole lot more out here than you , me ,or ss. Focus your energy on something positive.

Well that's it for me. Feel free to PM or something if you need anything.

 

[petegunderson]

****o207, thanks for the advice bro, sorry you're going through the same hell, sucks doesn't it? I'll deff be taking some pointers including going on a social media blackout and blocking her number. How do you stop the ruminating thoughts? I've been keeping a list of the 50+ things she did during the two years that were disrespectful or wrong etc. Every time she pops into my head (which is all the time) I take the list out to remind me I'm better off. It literally is like a withdrawal from a dangerous drug of some sort.

 

[soulforge]

Hey pete I know what your feeling... but I promise, with some time you will feel better. ..

I was with my cluster b for 2 years.. this girl left me in a total mind fuk.. took 6 or maybe 7 break ups for me to finally get away from her... and over a year later, she is still trying to hoover me back...

Your best defence is to imply NO CONTACT ruthlessly... disappear off the face of the earth... do not allow her back into your life in any shape way or form..


Listen to expos, mauser.. these guys gave me excellent advice back when my head was a total mess... some other really great guys on here too..

One thing I would highly advice you to do... hit the gym... seriously I feel a ton better about myself since the crazy biitch

I have been training like crazy for over a year now, and gained some solid muscle and definition... cant tell you how good this has been for my confidence and mental bieng...


You will get through this my friend.. stay positive, and cut her out forever.. peace!!

 

[TheyStaySameAge]

Been lurking here for a month, time to chip in.

I had been single for too long when my xbpd reeled me in hook line and sinker. It was very intense, and I fell hard for her two little ones. She told me I was loved one morning - we had a fight - and then she banged my replacement that night. He moved into her place a week later.

Was nuked emotionally, and physically. My best pal told me near the end I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I had no grey until this broad. Near the end, the part of my beard on my chin went completely grey. I now use some colouring on that To say these broads can affect you physically is an understatement.

I followed some of the detachment tips on a bpd forum, spent a lot of time there figuring out what happened. Started with No Contact, then went to gym almost everyday for a couple months...moved to 4 days a week, focused on business. Started hanging with different chicks mostly partying but not really trying to get anything. That helped big time.

Another thing I did was talk to her ex before me. That **** helped me to see what a piece of work she was. I put together a wing man crew this fall (we pre-drink and then go hit bars & pubs together) and even invited him in on it. Priceless to hear she had heard about that one muhahaha.

Took 6 months to get to the 'indifferent' stage. Eventually put away the butthurt and moved to this board and read everything I could. Now in the best shape of my life. Fell in love with myself again, improved clothes, etc. Sorry, but love looking at myself in the mirror again. I dated a HB7 26 year old this December and now onto a HB8 32 year old.

Oh ya, I'm 42.

Helps to remember that it's ALL about you now.

YOU are the prize, THEY are icing on the cake, SPIN PLATES and don't get attached for now. Watch for red flags, and get ready to beat them off with a stick again bro!

:rockon:

 

[petegunderson]

Thank you soulforge and theystaysameage. Stories like these are what keeps me motivated and moving on. I hear what you're saying about the greys, I've got my first grey and started losing some hair. It's amazing how stress affects you physically. But I'll just take your guy's advice and just keep on keepin on. What really keeps me motivated is seeing how every single one of you guys that have gone through this is now living a much happier life. Almost like it was a blessing in a way. The catalyst that enabled growth. That's how I want this to be for me.

 

[GS750]

The good thing about being involved with a BPD psycho is that you'll be vigilant about getting involved with another one, you'll likely recognize the signs right away. The problem with these vampires is that they always try to recycle exes. They try to keep you in their life for attention/validation and when their current relationship goes south, they reach out. My BPD ex went back to her ex. That guy should have his head examined for getting involved with her again, but that's his problem. These BPD chicks hop from d*ck to d*ck, and will for the rest of their life. They can't be alone. Complete and total cutoff is the only way to go, and the only thing that they understand.

 

[petegunderson]

Gs750,
I hear ya man, since NC I've received calls from private numbers in the middle of the night where the person on the other end doesn't say anything, attempts to reset my gmail password (nobody but her knows my email) and have seen her walk past my work a couple times. It's sad really. What's worse is that she's completely using the new guy, posting pictures of him on social media doing all the same things we used to do just to get a rise out of me. Needless to say I blocked her social media a long time ago.

 

[GS750]

Yeah my ex did that too. Seemed like she went to places with him that she and I used to frequent, almost like trying to replace my memory with someone else. And the social media crap, I don't have Facebook thankfully, but I'm sure she posted happy pics of them together so her idiot friends could give "likes" to the photos. Attention wh0ring is their bread and butter. They have abandonment issues. They don't want to be with you, but they don't want you to move on either. Totally selfish people, they don't care how you feel about the situation. Just disappear from her life like you were never there.

 

[petegunderson]

Yeah my ex did that too. Seemed like she went to places with him that she and I used to frequent, almost like trying to replace my memory with someone else. And the social media crap, I don't have Facebook thankfully, but I'm sure she posted happy pics of them together so her idiot friends could give "likes" to the photos. Attention wh0ring is their bread and butter. They have abandonment issues. They don't want to be with you, but they don't want you to move on either. Totally selfish people, they don't care how you feel about the situation. Just disappear from her life like you were never there.

Abandonment issues is at the core of their disorder. She would do the most disrespectful things that completely showed her lack of empathy for me, but whenever I would tell her to GTFO she would latch on to my leg and cry and beg until I gave in. This happened weekly for two years. Talk about a mind fvck. All I can say is it's someone else's problem now. I'll be sure to reach my hand out to the poor guy afterwards if he ever asks. I wouldn't wish that psychological torture on my worst enemy.

 

[expos]

Attention whoring IS their bread and butter.

And speaking of "spooky" mine convinced to grow a goatee.......I though that was odd, but lots of people complimented me on it, and I have it to this day.

Then ........ I realized her last BF had a goatee. Saw a pic of her deceased husband ( I suspect suicide - seriously. She told me he died form "asphyxiation. She drove ME crazy enough, I can believe suicide.

And guess what? The DEAD Husband also had a goatee!
Conicidence? Maybe.

Why are ALL like this? Seriously. Does every person with BPD have systematic checklist of abuse they need to cruise through with each partner?

My ex dated this short, fat, ugly guy with a military haircut prior to marrying me. I think she was sort of obsessed with him, because she added him as a FB friend during our separation.

After I divorced her, she married a clone of this guy. They could have been related.

For the record, I'm tall, lean, and have longish hair for a guy - I have no clue why she even proceeded with our relationship being that I'm nowhere close to her physical type. She always tried to get me to cut my hair short and gain a bunch of weight. Fvck that ****!

 

[petegunderson]

subconsciously they're probably trying to recreate the image of the first person that abandoned them, ie their father, first bf etc...

 

[TheyStaySameAge]

subconsciously they're probably trying to recreate the image of the first person that abandoned them, ie their father, first bf etc...

Hmm. Never thought of that. Could be the case with some of them.

All I know is my replacement was blue collar, always wore blue jeans and had shaggy hair. I'm white collar, cleaner cut and dress snazzier.

Heard from the grapevine she had 'cleaned him up' perhaps to look like me, clean haircut, shaved, dressed him up in golf shirts, etc.

Who knows with the electrical superstorm going on in these broads heads lol.

Pete: I found a favourite quote that helped me detox from my bpd, it goes like this "She kicked me into the most empowering stage of my life" ~ make that your mantra & reality friend. Cheers.

 

[petegunderson]

Pete: I found a favourite quote that helped me detox from my bpd, it goes like this "She kicked me into the most empowering stage of my life" ~ make that your mantra & reality friend. Cheers.

I really like this!

 

[Lexi1]

What you're missing is the emotional child in her. It's like losing a small child which is why it's harder to deal with.

 

[marmel75]

How do you be happy? It's very simple. You decide you are going to be happy. You smile all the time because while your actions follow your brains output, your brains output also follows your actions. Act like what you want to become and your brain will have no choice but to accept it and follow along. This is true in most anything. If you act like what you want to become eventually your brain will follow and your behaviors will change to fit that.

The bottom line is you control your happiness.