1/1/12 Failed miserably on first day of year.. Need Advice from Grown Ass Men

[DonutMan]

I need mature advice from some grown men who have some experience. I am 29 years old turning 30 this year. Raised in an ultra conservative family, hence I had limited experience with women early on. Didn't lose my virginity till I was 20 then after I broke up with my GF I went on a heinous dry spell which lasted several years. Rewind a couple years. I find this site plus meet some cool dudes that know how to get drawers and I start having some success. Basically until recently I had no idea how much I was worth to women. I am losing my hair and pale so I never felt attractive. Although I am very tall and have an athletic body, super social, funny, education, good job, etc... So I start hitting up the scene and I find that I can be pretty successful (mostly with girls I am acquainted with through my social circle). I still have not laid as many girls as I would want to. But, just as I feel I am hitting my stride I meet a great girl and we are in a relationship.

Now been in the relationship for 1.5 years approximately. Last 6-8 months I haven't been as happy nor has she. She loves me a lot and is an awesome girl and her unhappiness stems from being angry at me fing things up. I have learned that having a gf is great at making you more desirable to other women (knowing you have regular sex makes it easy to be more confident). I have had to leave several women on the table I didn't really want to since I've been in a relationship. I have gotten numbers that I didn't use and made out with 2 other girls since we have been together (my gf doesn't know about this).

**** hit the fan yesterday at NYE party when I ended up being extremely flirtatious (hugging, kissing, etc..) with a girl 8 years my junior. The girl also happens to be a relative of my friends wife. I thought my GF wasn't going to come to the party. When I found out she actually was I told the girl that we had to stop because I have a GF and I apologized. She was not happy about this. Now it has affected my relationship with my circle of close friends. I feel like an *******. All these people who know I have a GF saw me doing this. This is not characteristic of who I am. I pride myself in being loyal and honest, so I feel like an ass.

My GF and I have been on the verge of breaking up for a couple months now (I refused to move in with her, and said I wasn't ready for marriage), so I kind of used that as an excuse to myself. I probably would of slept with this girl if my GF hadn't come over. I actually love my gf a lot, but I don't feel like that special "in love" feeling anymore and sometimes I just want to go out and be by myself which usually ends up with me flirting with other women.

At this point I don't know if I should break up with my GF. I am an optimist and think that we could make it work out and be very happy together, but I also have messed up repeatedly since we started dating. I also think that I am a little scared that I won't find someone else as committed and of the same quality (loyal, loving, caring, kind, etc..). This has to do with my insecurity about my hair/age. I am losing my hair and at the moment it doesn't look to bad, but I no it will go soon. I used to think that it wasn't a problem, because I shaved my head for years anyways. But I feel like people think I am a lot more attractive when I have hair and I was a lot more successful when I grew my hair out.

Please give me your intelligent 2 cents. Men who have been married please give me your input. I am terrified of ending up in an unhappy marriage. Would I be doing myself a disservice by wrapping it up without having tasted a lot of different women?

Have you had similar experiences of sort of cheating on gf? I feel like a real ******* right now and could use some encouragement. Thanks.

 

[Zunder]

My opinion (40 year old guy with a shaved head):

Break up the GF and enjoy as many women as you can.

I have cheated on GF's and enjoyed having simultaneous sexual flings amid a "committed relationship," but I knew I wasn't living my life fully. I have to be 100 percent honest about things in order to feel good and enjoy this life.

I am not a proponent of "settling down." I'm 40 and unmarried and have no plans to marry.

Get a tan.

Shave your head.

Keep working out.

Set some goals.

Enjoy the women whole you can.

I was 35 when I started "game."

Hell yeah - here's to 40 year olds + with a shaved head, a tan, and who work out!

 

[window]

think carefully my friend you have a high interest girl with good qualities...(loyal, loving, caring, kind, etc..). The grass is always greener. Try focusing on her and how good she is before you make radical decisions. My guess though if she finds out about the party which she will she will probably leave you and so she should.

 

[Die Hard]

her unhappiness stems from being angry at me fing things up.

I am an optimist and think that we could make it work out and be very happy together, but I also have messed up repeatedly since we started dating.

You say you have been f-ing things up and that you messed up repeatedly... This seems to be at the core of your relationship trouble, so if we are to advice you, you need to expand on this. What exactly are you getting at? Obviously not the fact that you cheated on her, since you claim she doesn't know... So what then??

 

[vatoloco]

...and her unhappiness stems from being angry at me fing things up.

I was gonna ask how but then you explain. Sorry my friend but respect goes both ways... and it feels like you don't have much left for this girl. At this point, my Rx is to let her go so that you both enjoy greener pastures.

This has to do with my insecurity about my hair/age. I am losing my hair and at the moment it doesn't look to bad, but I no it will go soon. I used to think that it wasn't a problem, because I shaved my head for years anyways. But I feel like people think I am a lot more attractive when I have hair and I was a lot more successful when I grew my hair out.

Wah, wah, wah!

Dude, it's all in your head. Your confidence (and therefore, your attractiveness) is being undermined by your self-esteem issues. Sure, when I had a full head of hair I was a 9 to most women but now that it's gone, I've gone down to an 8 to most... but I'm still a 9 to chicks who don't care about hair. Like my current GF. Who is 20.

Also, I know turning 30 feels like a big deal [it really isn't] so go ahead and read the thread by Kailex on turning 30 that I link here.

 

[Serg897]

Ah the perennial problem. Great girl is around that gives you everything you want, but you are afflicted with "grass is always greener" syndrome.

Im gonna take this oppurtunity to talk about myself again....

I've been seeing a girl for about 8 months non exclusively. She is a complete and total sweetheart and she treats me like a king. She knows that I am always dating other women but she actually does not care - she has stuck around and given me space when I need it, but been there for me when I need her company. I know that I can make her exclusive if I really want to. But I just cant bring myself to do it. I know I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would cheat on her if the opportunity came.

This status quo is not sustainable, and I know that she will eventually leave me. But sometimes you just have to let the cards fall where they may.

If you are not in it 100%, consider leaving. The answer to "do I want to be in a relationship with this woman" should ALWAYS be an ENTHUSIASTIC yes. Otherwise, if there is even a hint of doubt, its a no.

 

[Desdinova]

There is a certain philosophy I live by... A woman should add happiness to your life. If she starts taking your existing happiness away, then it's time to get rid of her.

 

[sodbuster]

You need to THINK! what do YOU want? WIFE? Kids? the Whole "white picket fence"? NOT what your PARENTS,PREACHER,etc. want. What kind of girl does it take to get you where you want to go? Does your dream even include a woman?

Until YOU answer those questions...we can't give you the right answers. But generally,it gets WORSE after marriage.

 

[st_99]

You can't really fight your desires Donut, there is no way you and this girl are going to work long term, I should say very small chance.

You already checked out but are just a bit scared to let go of your security blanket. Just dump her and move on and grow, explore, fail, succeed, etc.. You'll be more alive this way.


ps: forget about the hair thing, last girl I fell head over heals for ditched me and got with an extremely thinning hair guy who
in about 2 years will be totally bald.

 

[Lexington]

You've already got one foot out the door.

This girl is making you unhappy and you have the constant desire to cheat. Sure she is nice, loyal, loving etc. but those qualities alone don't make a great relationship. It's better to not be in a relationship than to stay in a relationship that only brings you misery.

Let her know what you did. Tell her you're sorry but that you think it's over. A long term relationship shouldn't be something that you settle for. Go out there, keep meeting new people and keep searching until you find a girl that you're truly happy to be with (if that is indeed what you want).

 

[DMEDFISIK]

First of all, finding a girl with the right attributes and one who suits you is pretty challenging. So be realistic, fair, and balanced in your thinking.

I have cheated on a girlfriend while I was affected with the "grass is greener" syndrome. Eventually she left. But I am not too worried about it because she messed up in some ways initially. I don't see you mentioning where your girl has significantly erred.

If you want to enjoy other women, then you should break up first.

 

[AW1983]

Yeah man, I was recently in a similar situation. The internal hamster can really fvck you up on this because in your gut you know you should go but that wheel is spinning in your brain - "what if I lose a good thing? what if there's nothing better? etc" I went through this and it was rough. But I also wasn't feeling that 100% in love feeling and moved on, much to her devastation. Things will suck for a short while. But trust me man, it picks up in amazing and unexpected ways. And you retain your internal integrity for having done the right thing for you. This is priceless and most AFC's out there cave and stay in a less than ideal situation and live out mediocre lives til death. F that man. There's roughly 3 billion other options for you, don't get stuck if you're not feeling it. My 2 cents.

 

[samspade]

You want to be single and chasing women but you are afraid to take the step to be alone. This is natural. It's hard to say goodbye to someone even if you've amassed contempt for her over time. It's still goodbye, farewell, amen. But since your relationship is on life support, why not pull the plug? You sound like you're waiting for her to do it for you. That'll hurt just as bad if not worse.

 

[scrouds]

I'm a proponent of having your cake and eating it too. But it doesn't sound like you have cake at home.

 

[DonutMan]

I wanted to give an update about this. I broke up with my girlfriend last Wednesday, I have not spoken to her since Sunday. Thank you for the advice. She just contacted me and wants to hang out as friends for a while. I may give this a shot, although it is unlikely I will get back together with her so I probably shouldn't lead her on in this way.

I am hanging out with the girl from the New Years Eve party tomorrow. I am already feeling better and have been taking care of myself more now that I'm single again (going to gym, calling friends, relaxing alone, going out...etc).

The most important thing I am thinking now is to try to stay in the frame of mind I had when I was around other girls during my relationship. I felt more attractive to ladies then ever before the past 1.5 yrs I was with my GF and it was because I did not give a **** about what the random females thought, because I already had a GF. It was a natural confidence booster.

Cheers Fellas!

 

[AMDG]

. She just contacted me and wants to hang out as friends for a while. I may give this a shot,

Why are you even considering that ? Are women around you that scarce ?

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

I, for one, do not buy the meme that having a gf gives you confidence. Not the real thing anyway, only it's temporary illusion.

Confidence is self-esteem. But if you hold yourself in esteem, you do so regardless of whether you have a gf or not, whether you're getting laid or not, whether the wind is blowing or not.

It is parasitical, second-handed, and utterly depraved to rely on women or others for your sense of self-esteem. When you fear losing a woman, when you fear being alone, that fear is a recognition of the fact that you have defrauded and betrayed yourself, that you have invested your self-esteem in counterfeit securities--and your loan is about to get called.

Self-esteem is self-reliance, not reliance on the opinion of others. It is the willingness (and eventual desire) to rely on your own ability to think and to exist as a sovereign end in yourself. That is the only form of self-esteem that is even metaphysically possible, because you do not exist as an aggregate of everyone in general and no one in particular--you exist as a sovereign individual, in reality, on earth, and you should never be afraid.