Wow, I guess I do have a "passiveness" problem, LOL...

[JeeperCane]

First off, thanks again to all you guys who gave me such great advice in this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=136356

Anyway, I was/have been pretty broken up about my gf of 14 months, who I was planning to move in with in May dumping me. Did I mention this was after she cheated on me (kissed some other dude...I know who), I didn't get upset (see passiveness thread above) took her back, then had her dump me at the end of Nov?

After a few talks on the phone, I was being extremely AFC. She was telling me I should "move on with my life". She also called to ask for some shoes back, and proceeded to tell me she's spending the second half of her Christmas break in Boston and Pennsylvania visiting the guy (I know) she cheated on me with. I had cut my vacation short to come back and spend my birthday (12/30) with her. (No Xmas vacation together...her grandmother isn't doing well in Cali...it's a family thing...not really an issue, just back story).

So, after about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I just put my head down and cut her off entirely. No returned calls, no texts, no voice mails, emails, nothing. I took her off my Facebook, took down her pictures and canceled my Myspace (she was my only friend on it anyway). I also put an ad out in Yahoo Personals for fun (which her friend found and viewed my profile).

This has not been an easy process for me. I stepped up my gym time and cut out ANY off nights (I know not healthy....) so I didn't think about her as much. She's my first thought in the morning and I think about her every night as I go to sleep.

Soooooooooooo...............today, I get a voice mail from her. She's in TEARS, crying about how she's upset that I have the "maturity of a 2 year old" to cut her out of my life entirely. She's pissed I "unfriended" her on Facebook and Myspace. Pissed I don't return calls/texts. Say's she's sorry she ever loved me and ever included me in her family. A FAMILY (HER PARENTS) THAT I SENT A CHRISTMAS CARD TO THIS YEAR BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME THE BETTER PERSON. She says she hopes I have a nice life and she hates me.

So it's not fair for me to move on, yet it's perfectly fine for the woman I was in love with to cheat on me and dump me? Like THAT DIDN'T HURT JUST A BIT?

Wow....I guess being "passive" for the most part works. I was broken up, I did have a few talks with her and have felt crushed. But I was able to put it past me, put my head down and, LIKE SHE TOLD ME TO DO, Move on!!!!

So, lets recap:

Dated 14 months. She cheated on me. I let it slide. She dumped me. I was sad. I needed to move on. I basically erased her from my life, and MOVED ON. Now she's furious.

Makes you laugh sometimes.

I NEVER ONCE yelled. NEVER ONCE said anything derogatory to her. NEVER ONCE called her a name, said I didn't love her or anything. In fact, the last time we talked on the phone, I was soo AFC I told her "I still love you" as she hung up!!!

Now, 3 weeks of no contact and look what happens. I'll never get it. :cuss: Talk about being unstable.

 

[DJDamage]

Soooooooooooo...............today, I get a voice mail from her. She's in TEARS, crying about how she's upset that I have the "maturity of a 2 year old" to cut her out of my life entirely. She's pissed I "unfriended" her on Facebook and Myspace. Pissed I don't return calls/texts. Say's she's sorry she ever loved me and ever included me in her family. A FAMILY (HER PARENTS) THAT I SENT A CHRISTMAS CARD TO THIS YEAR BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME THE BETTER PERSON. She says she hopes I have a nice life and she hates me.

So it's not fair for me to move on, yet it's perfectly fine for the woman I was in love with to cheat on me and dump me? Like THAT DIDN'T HURT JUST A BIT?

Looks like you are finally able to see the big picture.

You have matured. This girl pegged you to be a chump that can be easily manipulated, yet you turned the tables on her and showed her that you have balls and you don't need her in your life anymore.

This has angered and frustrated this woman and this is how she choose to vent. She is also hoping that you will call her back because you will feel bad about it and revert back to your passive chump self, but you are not going to that.

The b1tch wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

[JeeperCane]

Looks like you are finally able to see the big picture.

You have matured. This girl pegged you to be a chump that can be easily manipulated, yet you turned the tables on her and showed her that you have balls and you don't need her in your life anymore.

This has angered and frustrated this woman and this is how she choose to vent. She is also hoping that you will call her back because you will feel bad about it and revert back to your passive chump self, but you are not going to that.

The b1tch wants to have her cake and eat it too.

There's no way to prove it to you guys right now, but all I can say is that I respect the opinions of a lot of you guys who I have never met more then most of the people in my life who are too close to the situation. That said, I'm not going to call her back, but it is going to be very hard not to. I'm not going to act tough and say I don't love her or miss her dearly. I want more then anything for this to never have happened, but it did and I can't change that. I'm going to hold on strong for a while, maybe talk to her in an adult manner when I get back to Miami....that'll be next week.

For now, though, the woman I built my life around, who cheated on me and dumped me will have to cry herself to sleep thinking about what I might be doing.

 

[DJDamage]

I'm going to hold on strong for a while, maybe talk to her in an adult manner when I get back to Miami....that'll be next week.

Why on earth are you going to even attempt to talk to her?! there is no closure here, you don't have any kids, you are not going to get any satisfaction from her answers or figure out her motives.

You are just going to be sucked right back in.....

 

[JeeperCane]

Why on earth are you going to even attempt to talk to her?! there is no closure here, you don't have any kids, you are not going to get any satisfaction from her answers or figure out her motives.

You are just going to be sucked right back in.....

Point well taken.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Sounds like she wants to keep you on the backburner, a little insurance policy, if it doesn't work out with her new guy.

Jeeper, remember 2 things:

1) If you take back any woman that dumps you, she will never have respect for you...ever. It will be subconscious, ie. she will not have a choice about it, she just will never have that respect again.

2) Any woman that cheats on you, will do it again.

You are doing the right thing by moving on. It's not about getting back at her, it's about doing what's right for you.

Be strong, no contact..ever again.

There is a whole world out there, with plenty of women that are out there just waiting to be discovered by you. The adventure of your live is just beginning..

 

[JeeperCane]

Sounds like she wants to keep you on the backburner, a little insurance policy, if it doesn't work out with her new guy.

Jeeper, remember 2 things:

1) If you take back any woman that dumps you, she will never have respect for you...ever. It will be subconscious, ie. she will not have a choice about it, she just will never have that respect again.

2) Any woman that cheats on you, will do it again.

You are doing the right thing by moving on. It's not about getting back at her, it's about doing what's right for you.

Be strong, no contact..ever again.

There is a whole world out there, with plenty of women that are out there just waiting to be discovered by you. The adventure of your live is just beginning..

And that's how I've conducted myself. No name-calling, no yelling, no outbursts. I'm not trying to make her feel bad at all, I'm just leaving without saying a word. I guess that hurts more.

 

[Mr.Positive]

And that's how I've conducted myself. No name-calling, no yelling, no outbursts. I'm not trying to make her feel bad at all, I'm just leaving without saying a word. I guess that hurts more.

Also, remember that SHE is the one that cheated on you...dumped you...yet, somehow, in some way, she is turning it around and being mad at you?!?

What does that tell you about her? Be thankful that you are in a position to just cut all ties and move on. Be thankful you got of easy..

 

[JeeperCane]

Also, remember that SHE is the one that cheated on you...dumped you...yet, somehow, in some way, she is turning it around and being mad at you?!?

To be 100% accurate, she is "really hurt right now".

What did she think we were going to do? Be best friends?

 

[DJDamage]

And that's how I've conducted myself. No name-calling, no yelling, no outbursts. I'm not trying to make her feel bad at all, I'm just leaving without saying a word. I guess that hurts more.

Exectly.

That is how a Man acts, he accepts reality, he does not need closure or acts immature about it. He has the power to just get up and walk away from a raw deal , away from the drama and madness.

You don't need to talk to this woman anymore, you did your part. Maybe its a blessing in disguise that New Years is just around the corner, because its out with the old and in with the new.

Think yourself of Odysseus. You may hear the song of the Sirens and go completly mad, because it plays on your fantasies. However if you dare to swim out towards the song, you will find out rather quickly the allure is not all what is seems to be and instead there is an actual monster ready to devour you.

 

[JeeperCane]

Think yourself of Odysseus. You may hear the song of the Sirens and go completly mad, because it plays on your fantasies. However if you dare to swim out towards the song, you will find out rather quickly the allure is not all what is seems to be and instead there is an actual monster ready to devour you.

It's not every message board that gives you THAT kind of an analogy! This is why SS is awesome!

 

[Interceptor]

Jeep, dude, you make me proud, buddy.

You have such a clear, mature perspective now. It's heartening, man.

You are right.

Unfortunately, this poor girl is just way too immature.
And her 'flipping the script" and trying to MAKE YOU the 'bad guy", only shows that you dodged a bullet with this one.

This girl was bad news for you ANYWAY, Jeep.

Dude, you should celebrate.

She just PROVED to you she wsa NOT Worthy of your true Love, effoprt, time, emotion, money, affection, patience,and support.


You should feel free, and relieved.

Your Life is ahead ofyou.
Good things will start to happen for you.
get on track.
Find your MISSION. and stay on it.

Now, you have to really focus on yuor Personal Boundary.

Focus on Qualifying women.

Write out your list of goals, and start working TODAY to reach them.
Learn to forgive yourself,love yourself, and learn how to be strong enough to close the door on bad behavior, and open the door to good behavior.

And reread the repluies here too. There is a lot of good advice, and wisdom her, Jeep

Take advantage of it, and respect it by taking into serious consideration.

Keep us posted.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

JepperCane,

great work there; very inspiring reading. It is only when you can walk away and not look back, that you open the doors to bigger things.

Whatever you do, resist the temptation to give her a chance, to "play with her", as in teasing her and then dumpting her, etc.

She might pursue you just because she wants to have the last word and ended on her terms.

 

[JeeperCane]

Hey guys, thanks for all the support. I know I'm doing the right thing, it's just tough. We've all been there. I'm sure I'll be there again one day. I'm glad I found this forum and glad that I have someplace to express my situations.

I do have a few things lined up for me when I get back to Miami as well as a few girls who I went to school with who are in other states but might be down for a weekend getaway.

Like I said, thanks for the support and thanks for affirming that I'm doing the right things.

 

[jophil28]

For now, though, the woman I built my life around, who cheated on me and dumped me will have to cry herself to sleep thinking about what I might be doing.

Yeah, ain't it sweet !! You have now seen how self-centered that baitch was(is)..
Your next mission is to start spinning plates . They do not have to be as attractive as your ex they just need to have a pulse. Then you need to begin to practise your newfound skills of being a manly man...
Good hunting Jeepers.

 

[JeeperCane]

This is gold. Walking away without saying a word is the most damaging thing you can do to a woman. They NEED closure, and they NEED you to get mad or hurt.

Every woman I ever walked away from tried to come back in some manner. I don't know why it works, it just does.

Call me AFC, call me weak, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her mad. It makes me feel sad to hear her crying on the phone. I'm not immune to feelings. I honestly, truly thought she would never notice if I just faded away. She told me she "wants to see other people", wants to do a lot of things before she gets into a serious relationship. She told me she didn't feel the same way about me. She told me she was going to move out of Miami come May rather then move in with me. I guess she noticed.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Call me AFC, call me weak, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her mad. It makes me feel sad to hear her crying on the phone. I'm not immune to feelings. I honestly, truly thought she would never notice if I just faded away. She told me she "wants to see other people", wants to do a lot of things before she gets into a serious relationship. She told me she didn't feel the same way about me. She told me she was going to move out of Miami come May rather then move in with me. I guess she noticed.

That's the problem. Little princess throws her little tantrum, and AFC boy feels guilty and feels like the bad guy? Have you asked yourself why it matters if she's mad or sad or if she cries? It is because deep, deep, in your heart of hearts, at this point, you think that perhaps she will return one day, etc. etc.

Like Pavlov's dogs, you have been conditioned to react and salivate on command, anytime she reacts and feels like she needs to get a reaction.

 

[jophil28]

Call me AFC, call me weak, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her mad. It makes me feel sad to hear her crying on the phone. I'm not immune to feelings. I honestly, truly thought she would never notice if I just faded away. She told me she "wants to see other people", wants to do a lot of things before she gets into a serious relationship. She told me she didn't feel the same way about me. She told me she was going to move out of Miami come May rather then move in with me. I guess she noticed.

Do not try to make sense of what women say. You cannot make sense out of nonsense.
You will read something on this board , over and over, " Only a woman's actions tell you the truth about her " - or similar words
Women will twist you in knots with their words and statements of intentions. WOrds and promises are easy to construct and deliver. They will distort, obscure and dangle you with meaningless drivel. That is what women do to maneuver you into being the emotional slave that they want.
Women also play host to a particular subtype of the 'selfish gene' - a paricularly virilent little critter too !. This hosting leads women to manipulate and deceive men without regard for the eithics or ramifications of their actions. They will justify every devious statement and mindless utterance IF it gets them what they want. The means is irrelevant in their selfish pursuit of their whims and wants.
IN your case she is upset that her actions( cheating and dumping) resulted in your taking "distancing " action. YOu cut her off and you cut her out. TO any fair minded person, her actions and your responses were a good match.
NOt to her - her getting upset says that she wanted to do whatever she wished to you without consequences and without cost to HER. SHe expected that you would suck it all up and stay quiet in the corner until she perhaps found a USE for you in her life.

Gee, imagine being married to this shrew.
You not only dodged bullet soldier, you dodged a 105mm round aimed at your heart.

 

[joekerr31]

first, great job on walking away. definitely the thing to do. although ideally you would have done it the moment you found out she cheated on you. sticking around for a while and still saying 'i love you' is major AFC. BUT, you walked away in the end and thats all that matters.

secondly, she is not nearly as upset as you think. yes yes, i know, she put on a dazzling show. but remember, 80% of what you experienced was a SHOW. women like this LOVE drama.

all she is doing right now is playing games with you. the whole 'i hate you and never want to talk to you' sounds pretty final. but guess what, its not. and the reason is that it is clearly an immature, inappropriate and extreme thing to say - which is exactly why she said it. this provides her with a 'reason' to contact you again in 2,4 or 8 weeks from now with a big drawn out apology for her behavior and praising you for reacting so calmly to it and how sorry she is how much she still cares about you, etc.

Draaaaaaa-ma.

so do i think she's miserable and suffering right now? not at all. i think its all part of her game. its the face she wants you to see. she's also testing to see if you'll buckle and start apologizing (hey, this is woman trick #1: get hte man to think he's to blame for your bad behavior and actually get him to apologize to you!). but when she sees that won't work, she'll come back apologizing.

anyway, you really need to stay clear of this woman. no matter what 'face' she shows you from here on in, its VERY clear that she is unstable. she's cheated on you, she's broken up with you, and now she's told you she hates you. three strikes your out!

 

[joekerr31]

one last thing as a side note. the only thing that will prevent her from eventually coming back to you is if she finds some other guy that falls for her routine more than you did.

then she might just focus on sinking her teeth in to him and forget about you.

either way, having her gone is a blessing.