Women assimilating your friends

[ubercat]

Hey guys
I m sure most of you who ve been through LTR breakups have had this happen before. You introduce your woman to your friends. Then in the break up she peels away the friends she likes.

For example I had gone out of my way to meet our neighbours nice young couple with kids. I got on well with the husband an Irish guy. My ex had a kid of her own that we were raising yeah I know big mistake right there never again. When we broke up my ex bad mouthed me to the wife and used the bond between her kid and theirs to basically get custody of the friends. I walked away because I could see that my friends wife was on the side of the ex and it would just cause trouble for him with his missus.

The has happened to me a couple of times so I'm going with the old saying twice can be coincidence three times is enemy action. Good friends are hard to come by there's a lot of crap people out there and it doesn't seem very DJ like to let some woman take them away

Reason I'm asking is I think I'm starting to have the same problem with my current girlfriend.

I work in i t so I have a few Chinese friends. I have yellow fever and my current girlfriend happens to be Chinese. My friends have just had twins. My girlfriend just messaged me a picture of the twins she said she had found on the wife's WeChat. So....she s decided to build up a friendship with the wife. Hypergamy Never Sleeps!!!

Now the tactical advantages are obvious. Firstly it locks me into our relationship more. Secondly it starts the resource stripping process. Now as usual with woman I doubt they ever think like this. They don't have to think about it the behaviour is hardwired. In this case the fact they are all Chinese gives her a serious Edge in competing for the resource.

I'm hoping you guys can share your tactics for controlling or countering this type of behaviour. E.g. I could
1. lay down a boundary and say it's not appropriate
2. Compete for the resource by trying to see them more without the g/f,. Paying more attention to the wife etc.

 

[ubercat]

Never happened to anyone?

 

[QuantumFool]

Uber, you've posted an fascinating question and I was waiting for those more experienced with the RP to chime in. I'm breaking my lurker status to jump in on this thread.

Friendship isn't frequently discussed here. Actually, it's not discussed anywhere in the RP community that often. I've not seen many posts in r/theredpill or on TRM. Usually, when we discuss friendship it's in the vein of whether women make useful/ terrible friends, or how to deal with BP friends, or our mentor/apprentice relationships.

That may suggest the lack of response to your question. We have rhetoric on getting laid, improvement, and building frame and very little in the way of friendships.

Or perhaps the questions need to be filled out more. Myself, I don't see how friends are "resources." Certainly they can provide social proof and extend our circles. Also, the phrasing, "tactical advantages," is off-putting. Is your relationship so adversarial that you need to view it in militaristic terms? Why would you put up with that?

You wrote about your concern being locked in the relationship. This is confusing. Why can't you simply walk away? Co-habitating? Engaged?

I'm not sure how you can tell your GF to back off her friendship with the new mother without coming off as a total douche. She wants to gush over the twins and fawn over the new mom. That's what feminine women do.

Also this: "Compete for the resource by trying to see them more without the g/f,. Paying more attention to the wife etc." That "resource" thing again. Do you even like this couple? Enjoy their company? Why are you friends with them in the first place? I hope I'm misreading what you've wrote because these are people, not resources. If you wrote the most simplistic description of the situation and purposely dropped anything you thought would be irrelevant, perhaps you can expand your description of your relationship with them.

You may have inadvertently expressed a desire for the new mom herself. "Yellow fever" and "Paying more attention to the wife etc." make is sound like you're interested in more than friendship.

However, if this couple is simply a "resource" to you, then leave them alone. You'd be toxic to this (presumably young) family.

Of course you could be one of the "Dark Triad" types. Of that, I have no comment.

When I was divorced a while ago, my ex did indeed get all the friends. I made new ones. It's not a big deal to find new friends.

Edit: a word

 

[resilient]

I think that's why it's probably healthy to have a social circle that your main plate or plates doesn't get access to. So in the eventuality of a breakup, you have a fallback solid group of friends to return to.

Case in point, I had a lot of mutual friends that I lost in my divorce within the last year or so. The interesting result? I quickly saw who my solid friends are who stuck by my side through the thick and thin even if I was feeling down in the dumps or worse worried that I would become cynical or taint their relationship with their SO.

I'm fortunate to have a best friend who calls or texts at least once a week to generally see how I'm doing. A great high school buddy I hope to keep into old age. He's a good listener yet also doesn't let me beat myself up over what happened or when luck isn't going my way. He holds me accountable like a good bro should.

I've also been looking into various social circles this year to become friends with that unite under a common interest, cause or hobby that help me become well rounded.

 

[ubercat]

Yeah reading my post did come across a bit antagonistic. I try and strip my posts down to essentials to save people's time. Overdid it this time and it came across as inhuman. No definitely more nice guy chump than dark triad. These are long-standing friends that I value. CC a few cheap shots there. Anyone has been on the board for a while should know I try and help out around here.

I m trying to establish a red pill LTR. So far it's been going ok - 9 months - early days. Of course I could walk away no issue there. And how would that help me when the same issue comes up with the next girl?

Saying it's woman s nature doesn't help manage the behavior. You could say stripping a man's assets in a divorce is a woman's natural behaviour.

Now obviously this is trivial compared to that I can always make new friends. However I get tired of doing that with every breakup.

And I feel that I m not taking care of my business just allowing things to follow their own path. we encourage guys to control their bodies finances and careers.

Women are social creatures and of course they will want to hang out with your friends after time. @deesade I have set boundaries on how often I see her money I spend on her priorities I set my own goals etc. Of course you can keep a plate separate from your social circles. But the context of this post is a ltr.

Hopefully some of the more experienced guys will kick in.

 

[ubercat]

Thanks @deesade Like all of my posts I m not looking for a particular outcome with a particular woman. Trying to apply general principles to a particular person seldom works.

However when I encounter repeated behaviours across a number of women I try and develop some SOPs.

Like any risk best approach is avoidance. Then if it can't be avoided u seek to mitigate.
If it moves past a risk to become an issue then u have to take decisive action to resolve it.

 

[ubercat]

Some good input guys. I know a lot of the members here r on the MM board r more accepting of and experienced in LTRs. Thoughts?

 

[@Jonanthony]

Hi Ubercat

Love your work and posts , the 2dozen or so that I have thusly read;


Recapping a theme you've experienced is challenging esp for a DJ such as youself , who is on face value an authority on many subjects ... If I recall previously you said that you are a sucker for affection?. And I too see the potential value in LTRs esp when one" out of the bunch appears"...In saying this however it is possible to be caught up in their frame esp if they work out ur vulnerabilities ...And friends , co workers complicate issues +++

It seems that your work affords you travel , social circles and income opportunities but this is the backdrop for your central question... So tough sell here but in Oprah's words " live separately and sleep over often.". If you are married and dissolution is on the cards then this is hopefully the last time you will have this unfortunate eventuality....however

When rebuilding you will always have your refuge... It similarly gives you the ideal location in which to maintain your colleagues/ friends independently whilst in relationships ,but more importantly when the stuff hits that fan you can retreat, regroup and esp your guy friends can come over to watch the game etc....

If you believe the relationship is salvageable then the question has to be asked in regards to how contact was made and why... Where the rabbit hole goes so to speak... She may have indeed been looking to engage more in your s.h.... And extend her social networks esp with ppl of similar heritage.... I asked a similar but different question just a few days ago for those in or considering LTRs....So chin up , and ask , and if need be act but... Hard to put that genie in the bottle so to speak sir....

 

[ubercat]

Well I wouldn't hold myself out as an authority here. There are many who surpass my contribution. And I don't play the elder statesman. Its an anonymous board if your not honest with yourself here where will you be.

What I do try to do here is ask questions I have not seen answered as this enriches the site which is an amazing repository of men's life experience. I have read the classics and of course widely on this board so if it's a question for me it's bound the a question for others.

In delving into LTR game I m leveraging the work of great posters such as @KingBeef @MOTU @Espi @sodbuster and many more.

And frankly I think it's good for the newbies to see the older guys have areas they are still working on. Theres always new angles and nuances to be considered. The whole point of self improvement is that you are never a finished product just a better one.

 

[@Jonanthony]

So

Apologies Ubercat , might have jumped the gun on my simplistic answers to a generalised conversation topic....LTRs strange beasts and indeed if we don't learn from our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them... Additt that the dialogue herein is highly informative , there are too many contributors to single out for credit .

 

[ubercat]

No thank you. It was a good supportive post. Completely understandable. One of the limitations of the board format is that a particular question is a sound bite. After you've read 100 posts on how to win some particular girl it's natural to think that's what the next post is asking. Difference with the older guys is that we've internalized while each girl is a rare and special snowflake that there's a lot of snow.

I like each one of my questions to the board to have some general value. That's why I mentioned the other members. Any smart guy who is interested in ltr game will see that, follow their back trail and strike gold.

 

[ubercat]

However the question still stands.

After the input from the board talking to friends and some trusted colleagues at work the consistent answer I'm getting is that the woman always gets custody of the friends.

Now we've often discussed countering woman's social tactics in the dating or career spheres. Of course choosing not to complete is always an option.

We should have other options too. I'd love to hear from guys who have won the game, or set a boundary, or negotiated a compromise. It certainly doesn't have to be war but does it always have to be appeasement aka ' Peace in our time' we know how that ends.

 

[Rippy]

I don't introduce girlfriends to friends or family. If the girl has a problem with that, she can GTFO.

Anyway, I do MLTRs so most of my "friends" are other girlfriends so obviously I'm not going to introduce them.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Ubercat,

Here's my experience:

When you properly "vet" a chick, YOU control "if", "when", and "how" she gets introduced into your inner circle. And if she DOES make it past the "vetting" process---by then, she will be very aware of the following:

I am a host and she is a guest. My World is my "show" and I've chosen to give her special permission to "attend" and sit up front.

And as the host, the house, and everything in it is MINE. That includes the policies, the possessions, AND the people that she comes in contact with while she's in my presence.

As men of particular value, it is WE who decide who and who NOT to give the privilege of enjoying living in OUR world---not the other way around. Also, there's been much conversation within this thread of losing "friends", or of some chick "taking", "stealing", or getting "custody" of the friends.

I would remind you that ANY previously existing person or "groups" of people in YOUR life who would callously abandon you---by choosing some fresh, new chick's friendship OVER the friendship that they've previously established with you---were NEVER actually "your" friends. They were just "associates".

In fact, I'd venture to say that in most "fake friend" cases like these...the "girl" was probably just tolerating you, while the guy was probably always secretly jealous of you and "low-key" wanted to get with YOUR girl all along...

If this were NOT the case, and your previously established friendship really was TRUE, then Seniority would trump "newness" EVERY TIME.


V.U.

 

[ubercat]

Good to see back @Victory Unlimited Care to elaborate on your vetting process? It sounds like you are covertly setting boundaries which is interesting as we know covert communication works best with women.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Ubercat,

In this case, the vetting process is something that we would ideally be measuring by studying the degrees of comfort, appreciation, and respect that any given woman shows at varying stages of relationship closeness that she experiences with us.

Here are the three examples of how best to gauge this:

• When you allow a woman into your world, and she consistently shows appreciation to you for it---then that tells you that her levels of relationship respect and comfort are in good balance.

• When you allow a woman into your world and the amount of appreciation she shows you for inviting her to be there is INCONSISTENT---the that'll tell you that her levels of relationship respect and comfort are beginning to erode and/or fall out of balance.

• AND---when you allow a woman into your world and she rarely to NEVER show you appreciation for allowing her to be there----then that'll tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's gotten TOO COMFORTABLE in the relationship and will eventually begin disrespecting you in subtle and not-so-subtle ways----because lack of appreciation in a relationship is ALWAYS an indicator fo a lack of respect FOR the relationship.

You see where I'm coming from on this?

But---if we as men continue to command the respect of the woman in our lives, we won't have to necessarily set strategic boundaries to protect our prized, preferred,"leadership" position in the relationship----because that woman's sincere appreciation and respect for us will prevent her from taking us for granted (by getting TOO comfortable)---to the point where it will be SHE who sets her own personal boundaries in an effort to protect the relationship that she has with us---because SHE values it more, or at least as much, as we do.

Or to put it very simply, by going back to the Host and Guest scenario:

When a woman starts to act more like she OWNS your house as opposed to just appreciating being a guest in it---then that'll be your signal that it may be time for you to "show her the door."

V.U.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I agree completely. If you maintain a frame of 'I like you, but the door is right there' it sets the boundaries really clearly.
When stuff starts getting left at your place is the time to make it clear what your boundaries are. A toothbrush is the thin end if the wedge.

As for stripping friends away WTF! If she can do that then **** 'em, they were bluepill douchebags anyway.

Telling a woman she can' t gush over new babies is pointless and yes it is being a douche. It reeks of insecurity.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I make fun of my friends for keeping a Facebook collection of my exs. Buncha fool's.

 

[guru1000]

Uber, really, who gives a fvck. If you lose a friend over a girl, fvck the friend and fvck the girl. All relations are temporal; friendships included. And you should be striving to grow, which means that you will will (hopefully) outgrow your friends in time, irrespectively.

That's one problem that I find with most stable relationships: Your focus is directed toward stabilizing, rather than transcending.