Woman with Child Abuse past

[Danton1975]

She is indeed my current girlfriend but I have never dated a woman who was a child abuse victim so I am somewhat in the dark. We have been in a 4 year relationship and things are getting heated up...possible engagement looming on the horizon. We have incredible chemistry, she is hot, sexy, intelligent, funny...HOWEVER she has a dark past:

1. From the age of 5-13 she was daily sexually abused by her Grandfather

2. Was rapped by one of her friends who invited her to see his apartment (took place around her late 20's early 30's)

3. Sex with her is somewhat rare (once a week, and not truly exciting, due no doubt to her past)

I finally had enough of it...told her I was done, and that I was leaving her because I felt unattractive in my relationship to her and lack of sex with her was affecting me. Mind you, I definitely desire this woman, and she has all the traits I like in women, so this took some deliberation on my end. Here's the response she sent me:

I am so sorry for that--you know, and I pray that you believe me...I have not been intimate with anyone since you took hold of my heart so long ago.
I know that I have still been living scared --I do desire you and love you. I am sorry--as long as we have been together, we haven't lived as we do now...waking up in each others arms each day. I don't know whats normal for you--I am sorry if I haven't made you feel like my heart skips a beat when I see you or when you walk into the room. How I smile as soon as I hear the door open when you come home from work. Because I can't wait to see your handsome face and see that smile that melts me. To hear your voice that makes me quiver and smile. How it gets a little thicker when you are charming someone--maybe for just a better table, but I love that. It is sexy.

I have never wanted to make my "past" a crutch to stand on--but it is there for me. Love has always been the priority that I wanted and sex took a backseat. Sex has always been an issue in my past, I mean for the love of God--I've been at it since I was 5 and it was painful, ugly and dirty. But not with you--never with you. I never had it like I do with you--you make me feel special and beautiful. But yes, I still have issues because my innocence was taken and it wasn't enjoyable--I am willing to go to therapy and heal the wounds that have been buried deep because I know that sex with you is wonderful and beautiful and you don't make me feel dirty or wounded. I know that I've buried these things and have put on a facade that it doesn't effect my everyday life...but with the possibility of losing you so close--I am willing to drudge up the wounds, hurt and betrayal of being raped--almost daily from the time I was 5 until I was 13 when the bastard died....for us. I want to heal, totally from the inside out--I know it won't be pretty and it will be hard and difficult...but I promise if you will give us a chance I am willing to find a therapist to work through the issues.

It isn't fair to you--because I AM attracted to you, and I do desire you and your tight buns that I love to pinch. I do enjoy sex with you and when you make love to me. It is an internal issue for me--no matter how much I try to pretend it isn't. That has not been fair to you.

I love you--let me work on my issues, together with your strength and courage beside me, I know I can come out of this healthier and more whole. A complete woman--one who doesn't hurt the man that she loves and adores because of her issues--and her fears. Because between the two...I've hurt you and you, you who have given me more than any one man can possibly give...I don't want to hurt you. I want to be a complete woman with you.

But I need your hand to hold me--because I tried before and it was hard and horrible before. Maybe it was the therapist I went to...maybe I wasn't ready. But with you--I know that I can champion beyond this and become a stronger woman, a stronger lover and a stronger partner to you.

Give me a chance--I can't bear the thought of losing you and us after we have come so far. I promise to give you all of me--no holding back. And to seek the help that I need to be the person you deserve. I'm flawed baby, I know that. But you were the one person in my life who was able to see through the flaws and wounds to find the woman I am and the woman I can be.

I love you--desire you and adore you. I am sorry for hurting you and will go through anything to make up the hurt I've caused you.

I lay myself bare and humble---and admit I need help with my past so we can have the future that I know is possible.

Please--baby, just tell me you will give us a couple of more weeks before you decide. So I can prove that I am willing to do anything to save our beautiful relationship and to make up the hurt that my past and my issues have caused you.

I promise.....
Love your ...

It is clear this woman has some baggage but I do care for her tremendously. Would she be someone "engagement worthy" in your opinion? What do you think of sexual abuse victims? Are they really past all hope and doomed to repeated relationship failures or there is hope? Also, her email is very private and intimate so after getting some feedback on this, I will probably end up deleting her email just to be respectful of her. Please respect her privacy also.

 

[prairiedog24]

This is the kind of question you really need to ask quality people in your life who know you, who know her, and who see your interaction together and who you respect, etc. Close friends, relatives, family, pastor, psychologist, whatever.

She sounds pretty sane to me. She sounds like she wants to try, and she did a good job not sounding too whiny or pulling the victim card too much. You may have a keeper. But there are PLENTY of dysfunctional relationships that start this way. The numbers game isn't in your favor.

 

[WaterTiger]

She's doing the right thing by going to therapy, gotta give her props for that! What she went through was horrible, sick and soul crushing. She might never be "over it" 100%. She might have flashbacks for no reason. But she can get better with therapy.

The Bad News:

You can't hold her hand.
She has to get better on her own or YOU become her crutch in life. If you become her life line, what happens if you go out of her life? She's a cripple again! She has to learn to stand on her own feet, BEFORE you sweep her off them.

People with a history of childhood abuse are damaged. They have issues about sex, trust, abandonment, violence and often drug or alcohol abuse. The saddest thing is this isn't their fault. They were children and helpless in their situation.

But if you decide to get into a relationship with them, be aware they don't always respond or behave like "normal" people. They will throw endless "Sh!t Tests" because they EXPECT you to hurt them and that you are FAKING your love and concern for them. They don't understand how to trust & open their hearts. You have to be the very essence of honesty. Even a "shade of gray" lie will be met with an explosion of presumed betrayal.

They can be wonderful people! Solid citizens, great parents & very cool friends. They can get past it. They can function well. They have potential to be loving mates. But they have to work at it.

It's a hard road to walk. Make sure you go into this with your eyes open.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

You can't hold her hand.
She has to get better on her own or YOU become her crutch in life. If you become her life line, what happens if you go out of her life? She's a cripple again! She has to learn to stand on her own feet, BEFORE you sweep her off them.

People with a history of childhood abuse are damaged. They have issues about sex, trust, abandonment, violence and often drug or alcohol abuse. The saddest thing is this isn't their fault. They were children and helpless in their situation.

But if you decide to get into a relationship with them, be aware they don't always respond or behave like "normal" people. They will throw endless "Sh!t Tests" because they EXPECT you to hurt them and that you are FAKING your love and concern for them.

You´re right on the money, these people are incredibly high-maintenance, they hate to be alone, they are always hyper active, they loathe rejection. They want you not for who you are but for what they can TAKE from you, it´s all about them not you. They will suck your life out of you so they can live better with themselves. Pay attention to their past, comments about "extremely abusive" BF, cold parents, too much seeking approval behavior. Be careful with comments such as "My BF is jealous". It may be she´s the one who´s paranoid or is flirting around and is not aware of it. Too many guy friends, too popular, too good to be true.

They will always follow you around or be online using MSN or cheking their emails all the time. They can´t stand being alone, they MUST be in contact with someone! This is a huge pattern I´ve seen with these girls. LEARN TO OBSERVE WHAT THEY DO.

I´ve seen girls like this literally have a nervous breakdown when facing rejection. It´s SCARY. You feel like a monster! They will beg you to take them back so they´re the ones to dump you because they can´t bear any hint of rejection.

These girls (can be boys too) throw massive sh!t tests. They say "let´s do A, but when you agree they say NO, let´s do B". "Bring me water, NO, i don´t want it anynmore". ALL THE ****!NG TIME. It´s annoying. In the beggining it´s funny, flirtatious and so on but they are relentless, you can´t even gather time to breathe.

If you´re experienced you can feel something is sickeningly strange with them. They use you as their safety net, they will flatter the hell out of you to "gain" you.

 

[SchoolBoy]

If you've been with her for 4 years already, and she hasn't done anything unusally disturbing, then you have nothing to worry about.

I do agree that most women who had been sexually abused in the past possess BPD or Cluster B traits (been with one in the past).

If it's about the sex issue, give her time, things like this take time to heal. But that's up to you. If you're willing to wait for her to get "better".

Keep in mind there is always a chance that she may never heal from it. So really it all depends on how much you love this woman and how much you're willing to sacrifice/endure to be with her.

 

[Danton1975]

All replies have been extremely helpful so far. This is my first time in this situation. I don't want to say this woman is so different, but she is different in the sense that "sex drive on the lower end of the scale" she acts and behaves normal. She is very thoughtful and considerate of others. Sheis very caring and nurturing. The question seems to be how much I am willing to sacrifice to be with her. The concensus seems to be she may never heal completely and become 100% normal...am I willing to live with that? On the other side, I am very vested in this relationship, and yes I do love her.

 

[2crudedudes]

I am so sorry for that--you know, and I pray that you believe me...I have not been intimate with anyone since you took hold of my heart so long ago.

Hi, I'm new here so bear with me. What exactly does she mean by this? Was there a doubt that she might be having sex with someone else, or why does she have to specify that she hasn't been?

What strikes me as "fishy" (for lack of a better term) is that she specifies she hasn't been with anyone since you "took hold of [her] heart so long ago". Maybe I'm misunderstanding this, but could she be implying that she was having sex before she met you and somehow that wasn't a problem?

I'm sorry if I'm misconstruing what she meant, but it struck me as odd that she had to get that specific (almost like trying to technically not lie).