Why is it so hard to ask a girl out (and what the **** should I do about it)?

[elmnick]

I'm sure I'm not the only member of SoSuave who has found it very difficult to ask out a girl he's attracted to (the word oneitis could be appropriate in many cases) , I'm sure I'm not the only person who has before seeing said girl and talking to her convinced himself that he will ask her out next time he sees her and then subsequently failed to do so, perhaps convincing himself that the situation was not right and that he will wait for a better situation. I'm maybe not unique in that when said better situation has occured I have still failed. And I know that whatever excuses I make it is my problem.
The advice I have probably been told or told myself is to "man the **** up" "stop being a *****" or "grow some balls". But sensible as this advice is it's about as useful as "be yourself" or "just be confident". Or maybe I have rationalised and said, "it's only a girl she can't hurt you", or "you've got nothing to lose". Faultless as these arguments are, when it comes down to it, they don't help, and only make you feel inadequate when you don't.
It's quite possible that I will at some point have the balls to do it, its also possible that my dream girl, perfect 10, completely in love with me will appear and ask me out. But as neither of these have occured to me before why should anything change in the future, without me changing, I'm not happy to wait and hope.
So my question is, to those who have overcome said difficulty, what did you DO to enable yourself to ask out the girl you are attracted to, and I don't mean finding the right words, I just mean the psychological difficulty. And more to the point what should I DO to get over this fear that is irrational but yet perfectly natural. Is getting rid of oneitis the answer, but how should I do that? And yes, I know ultimately it is up to me, and I have to do it myself, all I ask is for you to help me to help myself.

I have no doubt this isn't a situation only I've experieinced so I've avoided specifics in the hope that the collected wisdom of SoSUave can help the many people with the same difficulties I have - isn't that what its fore. If you've got nothing constructive to add don't bother. (also, is this the right forum?)

 

[ChrizZ]

Here is what you have to do:

1. Forget about that girl for a while

2. Read Juggler

3. Go out and approach women

4. spin some plates

5. You will feel more confident. Now you can ask that "one special girl" out.

good luck

 

[MooseGod]

Ask her out? Are you gonna pass her a note or something during class? :crackup:

Just chat her up, if she's into you then do something with her outside of work/school etc. and go from there.

 

[young_gun]

I think the reason you're afraid to ask her out is because you're afraid of getting turned down by this girl. It's natural to feel this way, but if you think about it, the worst that could happen is that she will say No. Her friends won't care (they'll probably be jealous that she has guys asking her out), nobody is going to beat you up, and it won't be on the front page of the newspaper the next day. Think about the great things that could come from you asking her out. You'll go out to lunch, you two will get along great, start having sex, dating, etc. But none of that will happen unless you sack up and ask her out. She won't do it for you - you need to go after what you want.

If she says no, don't take it personally. There could be a million reasons why she can't go out with you (could have a boyfriend, has to work, has class, etc). If you're a cool guy, and she's single, there's a very good chance that she'll go out with you.

The best way to do it is not to think about it too much. Call her up when you're in a good mood and say something like "Hey (girl's name) let's go out to lunch on Friday". Be short and direct about it. If she says no, you know where you stand. No big.

 

[DonJuan11]

So my question is, to those who have overcome said difficulty, what did you DO to enable yourself to ask out the girl you are attracted to, and I don't mean finding the right words, I just mean the psychological difficulty.

It is VERY VERY DIFFICULT. What a women has between her legs is the most difficult thing to get in the world.

People backstab, lie, cheat, and steal to get access to what a women has between her legs.

 

[HolyG]

It is VERY VERY DIFFICULT. What a women has between her legs is the most difficult thing to get in the world.

Maybe for people as pitful as you :crackup:

 

[ready123]

see this is why they have the 3 second rule - so guys don't THINK themselves into paralysis

its also possible that my dream girl, perfect 10, completely in love with me will appear and ask me out.

it's also possible a meteor will fall on your head. possible but not likely

 

[elmnick]

I was under the impression that "asking out" (what else would you call it YoungGun) is something that should be done in person not by phone and certainly not be text or msn, do you agree with that?
I think Chrizz advice is the best, I need to meet more girls and have more options, but tbh I think I knew that already but its good to hear it from others.
YoungGun said "The best way to do it is not to think about it too much" I think that is actually really good advice
DonJuan11, does your negativaty really help anyone, I know its not the most difficult thing in the world don't be so ridiculous, I also know I'm not very good at it, no need to be so bitter about it. and HolyG what was the point of your post exactly? (your signature is far more relvenant though)
thanks to all that give good advice

 

[DonJuan11]

DonJuan11, does your negativaty really help anyone, I know its not the most difficult thing in the world don't be so ridiculous, I also know I'm not very good at it, no need to be so bitter about it.

What is harder? Making money? Getting a six pack? All can be done with discipline and patience.

They don't have a college course on how to get game, and its def not asked about in the SAT's.

 

[Mad Manic]

DonJuan11 you do crack me up with your posts but I'll have to agree with you, getting to have sex with a hot woman without 'getting lucky' is the most difficult thing in the world. All other stuff can be done with effort, with women they choose so it's never DIRECTLY in one's hands.

MM

 

[Maxtro]

The simple reason as to why it is so hard to ask her out is because she is your oneitis. She is the girl that you want more than any other girl. You are very attached to her. Because of that you know that her rejection will hurt you more than any other girls rejection. If you asked some random girl out and she said no, you wouldn't really care. But for the oneitis, the situation is completely different. Out of all of my oneitiis I have only somewhat asked on out. I suggested that we get some lunch and she had other plans.

The way to overcome it is to decide if you really want the girl. If you never ask, then you can never get her. You will always regret not having asked her out. I am in the same situation now with my current oneitis. I talk to her everyday but I haven't tried to ask her out. The reason is that I know she is in a long distance relationship so she isn't single, but she isn't really taken either. The other reason that I haven't asked her out is because I know that there is a 90% chance that she will say no. I know that if I never ask, then I won't get a bruised ego when she rejects me. But I'll have to live with the feeling of what might have been. Always looking back and saying to my self, I should have asked her out. Most often the only way to clear your head is a solid rejection. And thats what I need from her.

 

[saber]

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION

I was once far worse than you and was completely paralyzed by fear of rejection, fear of a larger social humiliation, lack of expereince( i had absolutely zero social skills...worse than you could imagine)

you are not going to sleep with this girl period.end of story.even if you were locked buck naked together in a room

just keep reading and practicing

 

[young_gun]

I was under the impression that "asking out" (what else would you call it YoungGun) is something that should be done in person not by phone and certainly not be text or msn, do you agree with that?

I don't any problem asking a girl out over the phone. If it's the first time you're asking her out, I think you should ask her over the phone or in person. If you've gone out on a few dates, I think a text or IM or whatever would be fine, but the first one should be done over the phone. But even after a few dates, I'd probably still use the phone.

By the way, I'm talking "ask her out" like "set up a meet with her", not "will you be my girlfriend" kind of talk.

 

[scorpio08]

To the op:

I have one what if question, if I'm to approach or not. I also know if I should or should not make a move by the level of my personal terror. I know it doesn't make any sense. Let me explain.

You/Me At a bar, coffee shop whatever.

- She smiles. I smile. I say hi. She says hi back.

- you say how are you.
1 - She says good and you talk about whatever you like.
2 - she says good but I have to go.
3 - she just leaves.

Realisticly this is what will happen in almost any given situation when two strangers meet.

If she walks so what, heck this is hardly even a rejection. She just didn't have a conversation with you, That is all.

If she chats. Then talk to her up a bit, if all is going well up the stakes nice and easy. Ask her for a coffee if your out somewhere and keep chatting, Or say if your at a bar and it's noisy, say hey want a beer or whatever and move to a section that is more quiet. If those goes well then up the stakes a hair more, or get a number and leave it at that and go out again sometime.


Hope this helps.

 

[Serialized3]

Ahh, I feel like helping you out bud, so I'm gonna post one of those line-by-line responses. Now, I'm no master don juan, but I am very successful at approaching and closing.

I'm sure I'm not the only member of SoSuave who has found it very difficult to ask out a girl he's attracted to (the word oneitis could be appropriate in many cases)

I think your one-itis will cure itself once you meet and date more women. I've dated many women, and I've only met one or two that have really impressed me. The rest were really not that special and for the most part, expendable. It's just that you build certain girls up in your mind, while knowing very little about them.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has before seeing said girl and talking to her convinced himself that he will ask her out next time he sees her and then subsequently failed to do so, perhaps convincing himself that the situation was not right and that he will wait for a better situation.

You're just talking yourself out of approaching. Most of the time girls are approachable, and I would only avoid approaching if the girl looks stressed, busy, or pissed off, or during the rare occasions when I'm in a bad mood and I know I'd run lame game.

I'm maybe not unique in that when said better situation has occured I have still failed. And I know that whatever excuses I make it is my problem...

Well there you go.

The advice I have probably been told or told myself is to "man the **** up" "stop being a *****" or "grow some balls". But sensible as this advice is it's about as useful as "be yourself" or "just be confident".

You shouldn't try to start off your approach thinking poorly about yourself. Stop this type of thinking, and work on increasing your actual confidence.

Or maybe I have rationalised and said, "it's only a girl she can't hurt you", or "you've got nothing to lose". Faultless as these arguments are, when it comes down to it, they don't help, and only make you feel inadequate when you don't.

Now thats actually a rationalization I can agree with. The thing you are probably the most afraid of is rejection, public humiliation, and a dent to your ego. Even back when I was lame at approaching, I can't recall one girl ever being cruel, rude, or loud. I was never humiliated or insulted. If a girl isn't interested, she will probably let you know in a private, non-confrontational way.

It's quite possible that I will at some point have the balls to do it, its also possible that my dream girl, perfect 10, completely in love with me will appear and ask me out.

If that happens, buy a lotto ticket, because that would be your lucky day.

So my question is, to those who have overcome said difficulty, what did you DO to enable yourself to ask out the girl you are attracted to, and I don't mean finding the right words, I just mean the psychological difficulty. And more to the point what should I DO to get over this fear that is irrational but yet perfectly natural. Is getting rid of oneitis the answer, but how should I do that?

Ah, the heart of the matter.

What helped me out was accepting two things. One of which was realizing that you have to approach to get women, there's really no other way. The other is what you already addressed, in that nothing really bad can happen.

But that's what worked for me, as for you, I can recommend a few things:

First and foremost, keep approaching. Like most everything, you can only get better through practice. Not only will you gain confidence by seeing that many women will be receptive to your approaches, but you will also see that nothing really bad will happen and you will get better and smoother with what you say.

Hand-in-hand with that tip, I would also say don't take approaching so seriously. Experiment with different openers and approaches and see what works for you. Don't rely on lame canned routines from the "gurus", you'll be comfortable just saying stuff on the fly when you get more comfortable.

The experience of dating more girls will also help you get rid of your one-itis tendencies. As I said above, the more experience you get, the more you'll see women for who they really are, and the less infatuated you will become with them. You will be more able to clearly judge their character rather than piece their character together from the few things you know about them. You will also get a more clear idea of what YOU want from a woman, and began to start holding women to YOUR standards. All of a sudden you'll realize that the girl you thought was perfect for you never actually was.

Assume attraction. Keep in mind that if a woman keeps sending you IOIs, you must accept and believe that she is attracted to you, and just go for it like it's already a done deal. Most of the time, it already is.

I would also recommend focusing on positive outcomes. Don't approach women with negative thoughts on how you are going to get shot down, but envision yourself successfully getting the girls number or whatever. It puts you in a better state of mind, and more confident in your approaches.

Making female friends can also help you to be more comfortable being around women and learn more about what goes on in their minds.

On the side, you can also work on improving your overall confidence by improving yourself. Some guys on here would recommend working out, practicing martial arts, or otherwise doing something risky. Personally, I gained a lot of confidence by living alone in the mountains for a few weeks being totally self-sufficient. After falling asleep to the sound of a wolf pack howling, women don't seem all that intimidating.

Anyways, there's probably some things I left out, but I hope it helps.

 

[The Inside Man]

Serialized great post, you just ended this thread. I think your advice is spot on and well articulated. The trip in the mountains sounds awesome too where was it?

 

[DJ1234]

Elmnick, I am in the very same situation as you....it seems I can do just about everything but ask the girl out...and regret hits you the most when some douche bag comes and asks the girl out w/o doing anything and she accepts...it just amazes me sometimes...but I think what Maxtro says is true, as I am in a very very, very similar situation as described....

The simple reason as to why it is so hard to ask her out is because she is your oneitis. She is the girl that you want more than any other girl. You are very attached to her. Because of that you know that her rejection will hurt you more than any other girls rejection. If you asked some random girl out and she said no, you wouldn't really care. But for the oneitis, the situation is completely different. Out of all of my oneitiis I have only somewhat asked on out. I suggested that we get some lunch and she had other plans.

The way to overcome it is to decide if you really want the girl. If you never ask, then you can never get her. You will always regret not having asked her out. I am in the same situation now with my current oneitis. I talk to her everyday but I haven't tried to ask her out. The reason is that I know she is in a long distance relationship so she isn't single, but she isn't really taken either. The other reason that I haven't asked her out is because I know that there is a 90% chance that she will say no. I know that if I never ask, then I won't get a bruised ego when she rejects me. But I'll have to live with the feeling of what might have been. Always looking back and saying to my self, I should have asked her out. Most often the only way to clear your head is a solid rejection. And thats what I need from her.

Also, very good advice Serialized3

One thing I know is true....If you never ask the girl, you will NEVAR get her...it just won't happen, even if her interest is through the roof, and she knows you like her and she knows she likes you, it just won't ever happen until YOU ask HER out, (I would know, im currently in this situation) and it will go on for as long as you let it (forever if you let it)....There is a quote that is very true in this situation "there isn't a perfect moment to ask out a girl, only lots of opportunities and chances you must take to make it into the perfect moment to ask out the girl"....
and yes, im sure you may have a .1% chance that HB may ask you out, or may get her friend(s) to give you the hint to ask her out...cut that percentage atleast by half or more the hotter the babe of the chances she would ask you out....and yes, you might as well buy yourself a lottery ticket if that happens and then go fly into outspace after you win it.... basically never gonna happen, go figure..

 

[aussiegoat55]

Two words: Man up.

 

[Maxtro]

Serialized3 great post. I'll have to reread it several times.

Also one thing I've realized is to never wait for for the "perfect moment." I've thought about asking my oneitis out on the last day of class. That way I won't have to see her again if she says no. But there is a huge chance that she might simply not even show up and I'll be kicking myself because I waited.

It's funny, almost every day I look forward to seeing and talking to her. Thinking that it might be the day that I ask her out, but I know that I won't. The key point is that I'm almost completely certain that my oneitis has no interest in me and I think she has gathered that I like her.

Assume attraction. Keep in mind that if a woman keeps sending you IOIs, you must accept and believe that she is attracted to you, and just go for it like it's already a done deal. Most of the time, it already is.

I agree completely. If she shows signs of interest, ask her out already.

 

[nismo-4]

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION

I was once far worse than you and was completely paralyzed by fear of rejection, fear of a larger social humiliation, lack of expereince( i had absolutely zero social skills...worse than you could imagine)

you are not going to sleep with this girl period.end of story.even if you were locked buck naked together in a room

just keep reading and practicing

GOD DAMN! HARSH!

The top half...I'm worse than you.