Why can't I get this girl out of my head?? (oneitis)

[squirrels]

Newbs, take note: This is why NEXT, except in special circumstances, should always be unconditional.

I keep f--king thinking about this one girl...a girl I should've (and DID) NEXT a long time ago. I was OK for a month or two, doing my own thing, meeting new women, not worrying about her...

Then for some reason, I fell into a total relapse. Part of it is because now she's getting flirty with one of my friends and I really feel like they're going to hook up. I shouldn't care...I should've moved on by now, but I'm hung up on this one. I feel like if I NEXT her, it's an admission of defeat. I've somehow placed my measure of success on whether I can win this one.

It's spilling into other aspects of my life, too. When something goes wrong for me, I tend to stack it on top of my unhealthy obsession with this girl. Sometimes I feel like I'm adopting this DJ attitude to impress her, not for myself like I should. Some of the things I do, I do so she won't think I'm home at night. It's sending me down into this depressing spiral. I'm sure some of you have noticed it lately.

This girl is very beautiful, but certainly not the best-looking girl I've ever met. She's also fairly boring and can be downright annoying at times. But for some reason, I can't forget her. She's VERY close friends with a lot of my friends, too, and they all kiss her ass too, so it's very hard to avoid her entirely...it's affecting the way I interact with my friends.

I honestly don't know how to cope with this. I tell myself that I don't need her, that she's not the prize, *I* am, that there are plenty of better women...hell, I'm getting numbers left and right, but I keep thinking back to her...what is SHE doing? What is SHE thinking? I don't know how to break this cycle...every once in a while, I manage to finally get the right attitude going, and be like, "Hey, this is MY life...there's so much more to experience, so many more beautiful women to be had, so many more adventures to be experienced..." and then that damned voice at the back of my head says, "Yes, but you'll never experience HER." And I just can't bring myself to say, "I DON'T CARE."

I don't know if I'm asking for advice...I know what I have to do, I'm just wondering if any of you have been seriously hung on a particular girl, to the point where it was depressing you in life in general, and how you broke out.

It's like I've taken this girl and put an image of her in place of my superego...and it's not like I even TALK to her. She doesn't know I think like this (thank God), but it's bearing down on me pretty hard.

 

[BobbDobbs]

Look, evolution needed to keep guys around long enough to bring up baby. So it came up with love (or infatuation, or whatever you want to call it.)

Well, the lizard part of your brain isn't going to wait around forever for your rational brain to decide when to become infatuated. So it is always trying to run on auto-pilot.

This explanation doesn't help you control it, because it isn't controllable by the rational mind. But at least it can help you understand that your feelings are just part of the machinery of evolution that kept the human species from dying out.

It does wear off with time and new girls. Just keep active. In a few years you will look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

 

[Starman]

I really can't tell you anything you probably already dont know..

but the main factor here is that I dont think you like this girl as much as you think..its just the way that she makes you feel is the focus point...

she makes you feel bad , rejected, angry, desperate, and overall giving yourself a negative self concept..

thus, your ego is waay bruised..and you are clinging on to this one girl to give you back what she took from you..your sense of self worth

Ive been in the same situation (and still think of her from time to time)

but I realized I wasnt in love with this girl at all..but using her to make me feel good about myself..then when it all came crashing down..I was down and depressed..becase I confused "oneitus"/love..with self-worth

that is .. I gave her the power , the control..to define WHO I AM..besides doing it myself..(this was waayy beforre I found this site)

SO you are on the right track..ask yourself..if you could REALLY have this woman(with all her flaws) would you really want her once you got her?

or would getting her just make you feel like you've "won" and feel good about yourself..because she didnt reject you?

Keep working on your overall self concept..and WHY you gave so much control to this woman to define your own sense of self worth

In time..you will see she is just a worthless piece of garbage & you wont even think of her

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Starman
I really can't tell you anything you probably already dont know..

but the main factor here is that I dont think you like this girl as much as you think..its just the way that she makes you feel is the focus point...

she makes you feel bad , rejected, angry, desperate, and overall giving yourself a negative self concept..

thus, your ego is waay bruised..and you are clinging on to this one girl to give you back what she took from you..your sense of self worth

Ive been in the same situation (and still think of her from time to time)

but I realized I wasnt in love with this girl at all..but using her to make me feel good about myself..then when it all came crashing down..I was down and depressed..becase I confused "oneitus"/love..with self-worth

that is .. I gave her the power , the control..to define WHO I AM..besides doing it myself..(this was waayy beforre I found this site)

SO you are on the right track..ask yourself..if you could REALLY have this woman(with all her flaws) would you really want her once you got her?

or would getting her just make you feel like you've "won" and feel good about yourself..because she didnt reject you?

Keep working on your overall self concept..and WHY you gave so much control to this woman to define your own sense of self worth

In time..you will see she is just a worthless piece of garbage & you wont even think of her

You're right...you know, the more I think about it, although I'd still bang her, I don't feel sexually attracted to her like I used to...nor do I feel any kind of emotional connection. I know I shouldn't care...but I can't convince my ego of this.

She can't define who I am...I don't need approval from her. But even as I THINK it, I don't BELIEVE it. I guess it will take time...but time away is hard to come by, especially when all of my peers are up her ass too...if I f'ed this girl, I would become the envy of many of them. Why I need their envy and admiration is beyond me...I could get it just as easily by being strong enough to be myself and not giving a f**k what they think of me.

And then there's a part of me that thinks like, "Hey, if I can finally get over her, get her out of my head, and define myself and my self worth on my OWN terms...then maybe she'll come back to me!"

That part of me is really starting to piss me off.

 

[Starman]

Let me ask you this squirrley,

if this girl were to get in a car accident..a bad one..that crippled her, scarred her face, put her in a wheel chair..and she came crawling to you..

would you want her?

 

[Bonhomme]

This kind of thing happens

How you feel is how you feel. If you can, FTOW and she'll fade away.

The same thing recently happened to me regarding a gal who is way above the competition in most respects ... except reliability. So I have to break contact with her.

Thing is, I do care for this gal in a genuine fashion, which really makes matters worse. But I'm tired of acting like an etiquette coach to her.

I gotta LJBF her pre-emptively ... and find the ten other women ... but every place is closed here tonight on account of the power having been out. Arrrgghh!

 

[Helter Skelter]

The last time I had oneitis. Instead I've trying to not think about her. I spent all my time talking about her to all my friends to the point where I was driving everybody nuts.

I eventually, got sick of talking about her, to the point that I stopped thinking about her too.

It worked.

A different approach, I guess