Why are women such a shock to my system???

[squirrels]

When I first started coming into my own with women, I could bounce from girl to girl and each girl had something to offer. I was never "hung up" on any one of them. But every time I went out with them, every time I saw them, every time one stopped returning calls or I broke it off with one of them, it was a small "shock to my system." I found myself thinking about it way too much...to the point where it would affect my mood.

It's gotten much worse lately. I just can't let go of women I've only seen once or twice. If they stop calling, I find myself wondering whether I did anythign wrong...trying to forget, but just getting wrapped up in events that really shouldnt' be that big a deal.

It's getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to women because I don't want to have to worry about dealing with what it puts my mind and my attitude through. It makes me feel this dull ache in my stomach.

I wish I could just use the crazy toy-chicks as just that: toys for my amusement. But even them I start to get in my head way too soon. And the ones that actually seem worthwhile...I can't let go of them.

I'm kind of going through that "quarter-life crisis" that a lot of people these days hit when they turn 25-ish. I'm actually at a point where I WANT TO BE KNOWN as a "Don Juan"...I can't seem to accept the fact of a woman who I date but doesn't like me, or one who says she likes me but acts different (not returning calls, not making time). And it's worse when these are girls who you're into, who have been into you, who you've kissed, made out with, etc...

This is obviously self-destructive thinking and although it doesn't interfere with my day-to-day things that I do for ME, it DOES play hell on my way of thinking.

I'm wondering how you guys shake something like that...when you start to "catch feelings" or find yourself getting too wrapped up in something like a girl. To just "eject" feels like failure, but I feel like continuing would be emotional suicide.

Thanks.

 

[Lifeforce]

Maybe being a Don juan is not congruent with who you really are and you have to start to listen to what would feel good to do. Change your ideal a little and see if the stuff you do really deep down is the stuff you want to be doing.

When I'm stuck between two evils, I try to chose the lesser evil.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Lifeforce
Maybe being a Don juan is not congruent with who you really are and you have to start to listen to what would feel good to do. Change your ideal a little and see if the stuff you do really deep down is the stuff you want to be doing.

When I'm stuck between two evils, I try to chose the lesser evil.

How are you defining the term "Don Juan"?

 

[Lifeforce]

Not my own definition, that would be to become what you want to be. The definition I used in this post was the one I have got from this board. Being successful with women. When I read your post I get the feeling you want to connect to women, maybe a LTR, not just have them as sex toys.

 

[S0LID]

Dam, if shes not realy into you after the first date NEXT! Tell yourself she isn't worth it. keep NEXTING until you find the one for you. In other words ANTI DUMP. Maybe read it all again?

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by S0LID
Dam, if shes not realy into you after the first date NEXT! Tell yourself she isn't worth it. keep NEXTING until you find the one for you. In other words ANTI DUMP. Maybe read it all again?

That's not my problem. My problem is even just one date plays havoc with my head. Because by then I've invested effort and even if the outcome is not totally in my control, I feel tied to the event and compelled to make something work. And even if I NEXT her, I'll think about it for a day or two before I can finally start to get it out of my head.

 

[Avatar]

you need to adopt a saying we use in sales:

"some will, some won't, so what?"

Analyze that quote. When you fully understand it and implement it into your own life you won't have the same problems you once did. None of this is a you problem.

 

[prosemont]

A very good question.

I understand where you are coming from. To hang out with people (women) and to talk to them, to seduce them, etc., all takes an active interest in that person in order to have any success at all. Again, because this is important, it takes A REAL interest rather than a fake one because a fake is a dead giveaway, is incongruent with what is being said, is insincere and gets nobody anywhere in a relationship.

This fake interest is why most of the tactics and techniques found on this and other boards don't work ... they can be spotted as insincere from a mile away. Don't get me wrong, they might be good for other purposes, but in and of themselves they don't create any connection that otherwise wouldn't be there from taking an active interest in someone.

When you take that active and real interest, you are making an active investment in whomever you are spending time -- an active investment of yourself in that person and that active investment can affect your mind.

You are to be congratulated that you're able to take such an active interest in women and to make the investment in the first place. It is the ability to do these very things that will bring you success with women. It is the inability to do these very things that leads to failure.

A few ways to deal with this:

1. Adjust Your Expectations. If you talk with women with the expectation that you will get ANYTHING out of it, you'll likely be setting yourself up for disappointment. What might a reasonable expectation be? Simply enjoying the moment for it's own sake.

2. Detach Emotionally. No, that isn't contradictory. You can still sincerely take an active interest in someone without making an emotional investment in that person. It's a fine line, to be sure, but it is doable. Ways to detach: think of your interaction with someone clinically; ie. what will she say, what does she do, what interests her, etc. Another way to is get pure amusement/entertainment from your inactions with people. Both of these take your personal emotional investment out of the equation.

3. Build a Bullpen. This is simply a mechanical way of accomplishing 1 and 2 above. A bullpen of relievers (chicks) helps to avoid all these issues because the more women you have around on a consistent basis, the less you will get emotionally attached or have an emotional outcome with any of them. This is correlative to both 1 and 2 above.

You'll want to work through this. Shutting down and not interacting with women isn't the answer because then you'll only have to deal with these issues later when by then you could have already have worked through them.

Good luck.

 

[TheInfamousCBear]

Dont approach girls for the sake of it...I listen to myself...If I see a girl I really like, I get this burning feeling in my chest, or if theres a girl I really want to fukk, I get the same thing...If I dont get this feeling, no matter how good the girl may be, I dont approach cause my heart wont be in it so Ill half ass it...And belive me, now that I listen to this feeling, I approach less women but at least I put effort into it unlike before where I would just apprach just for the hell of it...

 

[DjDreamer]

Re: A very good question.

Originally posted by prosemont
I understand where you are coming from. To hang out with people (women) and to talk to them, to seduce them, etc., all takes an active interest in that person in order to have any success at all. Again, because this is important, it takes A REAL interest rather than a fake one because a fake is a dead giveaway, is incongruent with what is being said, is insincere and gets nobody anywhere in a relationship.

This fake interest is why most of the tactics and techniques found on this and other boards don't work ... they can be spotted as insincere from a mile away. Don't get me wrong, they might be good for other purposes, but in and of themselves they don't create any connection that otherwise wouldn't be there from taking an active interest in someone.

When you take that active and real interest, you are making an active investment in whomever you are spending time -- an active investment of yourself in that person and that active investment can affect your mind.

You are to be congratulated that you're able to take such an active interest in women and to make the investment in the first place. It is the ability to do these very things that will bring you success with women. It is the inability to do these very things that leads to failure.

A few ways to deal with this:

1. Adjust Your Expectations. If you talk with women with the expectation that you will get ANYTHING out of it, you'll likely be setting yourself up for disappointment. What might a reasonable expectation be? Simply enjoying the moment for it's own sake.

2. Detach Emotionally. No, that isn't contradictory. You can still sincerely take an active interest in someone without making an emotional investment in that person. It's a fine line, to be sure, but it is doable. Ways to detach: think of your interaction with someone clinically; ie. what will she say, what does she do, what interests her, etc. Another way to is get pure amusement/entertainment from your inactions with people. Both of these take your personal emotional investment out of the equation.

3. Build a Bullpen. This is simply a mechanical way of accomplishing 1 and 2 above. A bullpen of relievers (chicks) helps to avoid all these issues because the more women you have around on a consistent basis, the less you will get emotionally attached or have an emotional outcome with any of them. This is correlative to both 1 and 2 above.

You'll want to work through this. Shutting down and not interacting with women isn't the answer because then you'll only have to deal with these issues later when by then you could have already have worked through them.

Good luck.

Very insightful...

 

[So Many Ways]

Originally posted by TheInfamousCBear
Dont approach girls for the sake of it...I listen to myself...If I see a girl I really like, I get this burning feeling in my chest, or if theres a girl I really want to fukk, I get the same thing...If I dont get this feeling, no matter how good the girl may be, I dont approach cause my heart wont be in it so Ill half ass it...And belive me, now that I listen to this feeling, I approach less women but at least I put effort into it unlike before where I would just apprach just for the hell of it...

Exactly. I feel the exact same way. That's the problem I have with the whole concept of sarging, the whole idea that you should open "as many sets as possible". I've also gotten to the point nowadays that if my heart's not in it, I don't even bother anymore.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by So Many Ways
Exactly. I feel the exact same way. That's the problem I have with the whole concept of sarging, the whole idea that you should open "as many sets as possible". I've also gotten to the point nowadays that if my heart's not in it, I don't even bother anymore.

Oh I agree entirely with this. But at the same time, sometimes you get into a state of mind where you start getting nervous or afraid and start using "My heart's not in it" as an excuse.

Originally posted by prosemont

A few ways to deal with this:

1. Adjust Your Expectations. If you talk with women with the expectation that you will get ANYTHING out of it, you'll likely be setting yourself up for disappointment. What might a reasonable expectation be? Simply enjoying the moment for it's own sake.

2. Detach Emotionally. No, that isn't contradictory. You can still sincerely take an active interest in someone without making an emotional investment in that person. It's a fine line, to be sure, but it is doable. Ways to detach: think of your interaction with someone clinically; ie. what will she say, what does she do, what interests her, etc. Another way to is get pure amusement/entertainment from your inactions with people. Both of these take your personal emotional investment out of the equation.

3. Build a Bullpen. This is simply a mechanical way of accomplishing 1 and 2 above. A bullpen of relievers (chicks) helps to avoid all these issues because the more women you have around on a consistent basis, the less you will get emotionally attached or have an emotional outcome with any of them. This is correlative to both 1 and 2 above.

You'll want to work through this. Shutting down and not interacting with women isn't the answer because then you'll only have to deal with these issues later when by then you could have already have worked through them.

Good luck.

This is great advice. I used to think like this...enjoying women at the time and amusing myself with them. Since the whole "quarter-life crisis" deal, though, I've always been worried about "what if". I guess I need to relax back into living in the present and not worry about the future when it comes to the ladies.

Originally posted by Avatar
you need to adopt a saying we use in sales:

"some will, some won't, so what?"

Also great.

It's refreshing to see some good advice on these forums for a change. Thanks.

 

[TheInfamousCBear]

Originally posted by squirrels
Oh I agree entirely with this. But at the same time, sometimes you get into a state of mind where you start getting nervous or afraid and start using "My heart's not in it" as an excuse.

It depends on how confident you are though...Its just like dude said eariler, some girls like you, some dont, thats what I live by nowadays...The game is all marketing, thats how you gotta look at it...Just forget about the bad times with women and focus on the good times you had...

 

[belividere]

I gotta say that some of these replies have been the best things that I have seen posted on this site in awhile.

Although I gotta say that I still approach girls for the hell of it. Reason being is that like you said Squirrels I dont want excuses. I would rather be rejected than regretful. You cant find a girl who you will be happy with sitting on the sidelines. How do you know who you will be happy with if you never meet the ones that you passed up?

But I think about things a bit much to and the conclusion that I have come to is that each girl or whatever I did with each girl is a learning experience. As long as I managed to have fun I dont really care anymore. If it works it works if not oh well. Spending a little time thinking about what didn't work is forward thinking though and I would actually encourage it.

 

[MrHarris]

This is getting very gay with these titles. I've seen you post, similair posts like this before.

Maybe you should take a break from women for a while, that way your not poluting this board with gay posts like this!

 

[So Many Ways]

Originally posted by TheInfamousCBear
It depends on how confident you are though...Its just like dude said eariler, some girls like you, some dont, thats what I live by nowadays...The game is all marketing, thats how you gotta look at it...Just forget about the bad times with women and focus on the good times you had...

Marketing....exactly.

Not only do you have to be into the women, but the women have to be into you.

On Saturday night, I went to this club with a couple of my boys. The women weren't choosing and I wasn't feeling the women there at all. I forced myself to approach a couple of women but my heart just wasn't in it.

I go literally next door and it's different. Even though the women were already paired off as it was already past 1am, the paired off ones were giving me eye contact and I found the women there to be much more my style.

I'm kind of starting to believe that as guys, we put out vibes that attract certain types of women that we want. I've been wondering about this quite a bit, especially when it comes to recent experiences and going through the bootcamp exercises.

 

[Kaine]

This is great advice. I used to think like this...enjoying women at the time and amusing myself with them. Since the whole "quarter-life crisis" deal, though, I've always been worried about "what if". I guess I need to relax back into living in the present and not worry about the future when it comes to the ladies.

Prosemont gave some good suggestions.

Also you answered your own question, the reason for your problem is that you mindset has changed.

Your view of the world has a lot of importance to how you think, react and hence the outcomes.

Kaine