When she complains

[flowtheory]

When you’re in a relationship what are your guys’ thoughts on when women vent about a problem(s) and do so continually? And in doing-so create poor energy.

Do you just listen and let her vent, then switch topics after?
Do you tell her to tell her girlfriends instead?
Do you talk through the problem with her?

I’m not in a relationship right now. Im simply gaining knowledge as this has happened in the past and I know women just continually do this. I even have friends who are women (not friend zoned) and they do this often; to which I give them a solution and tell them to shut up. But I know that tactic won’t go well with a significant other haha

Thanks in advance

 

[Fireballs]

Amused mastery .. by having this attitude, you do not add fuel to her complaining and it can show her how silly she is being..

Never try to solve anything for her unless she asks..

 

[sph21]

Do you just listen and let her vent, then switch topics after?

Yes. I let her talk about it and then I tell her, "I don't like talking about it anymore. Let's talk about something else". She just want to be "heard" and understood. By listening to her problems, you're telling her that you're not cold towards her.

Do you tell her to tell her girlfriends instead?

Sometimes. Some other times, I used that opportunity to make a joke about it.

I give them a solution

When she vents about her problem, she just wants to be heard. She doesn't want your solution.

I'll let @KillaPetehog do the rest of the talking:

DO NOT OFFER ADVICE!!!!!

Most men make the mistake of immediately offering solutions. They think that by listening to the girl and offering advice, the woman will start to love them. Not true. Only offer solutions, if she asks for them. Just offer sympathetic understanding, and you’ll make bonus points. The last thing you wanna be is the guy that gives advice and ends up with nothing. Trust me, when you start offering her advice, she starts looking to you as a friend. Which is not a bad thing, if you want to be “just friends”. But if you want something more, you have got to stop offering advice. Now I'm not saying to stop talking to her...just listen...but don't offer advice. Just say some shyt like..."Yeah, I know what you mean....etc."

WOMEN ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER

But the most important reason to not offer advice…..women ALREADY KNOW the ANSWER!! 80 to 90 percent of the time, they already know the answer to their problems!!! They just want a guy to listen. They know what they fuked up on. They don’t need anyone to tell them what they messed up or what they didn’t do right…or what's going wrong in thier lives. They already know the answer. They’re not telling you a problem for YOU to fix it…they’re telling you the problem so that YOU can LISTEN. Ask ANY girl about this!

 

[oldmanofthesea]

If she is a fling/plate, I'd listen for a little while, ask some questions, be interested, then try to change the subject after 5-10 minutes. A woman who wants to just ***** about everything and everyone early on in a relationship is a serious red flag.

If she is, as you say, a girlfriend, then I would listen to her with genuine interest and not try to solve her problems - just listen, and ask questions to try to get her to say as much as possible. Talking is how women process their emotions. Your doing this is part of what you are offering to her in a relationship. But it shouldn't be taxing to you. Meaning, it shouldn't be something that you think to yourself, "holy ****, all this girl does is whine and complain about her friends, family, job, people, life, etc". It should just be something that happens once every while and takes 5 to 15 minutes or whatever. If it's a lot more than that, then it's a serious red flag because it means she is unhappy in general and she takes it out on whatever is in front of her. You can better believe she's complaining about you to all her friends and she will never be happy.

Constant complaining is a sign of several kinds of personality disorders so pay attention and be careful.

 

[Roober]

I felt the Mars and venus book explained it the best...

Men fix problems themselves without guidance

Women aren't natural problem solvers, but will talk about them to help her gather her thoughts

When men hear problems, they end up thinking that something needs to fixed or that the woman is placing blame. They feel blamed because they feel the woman is talking about something that he is doing that is inadequate.

So men try to fix the problems! WRONG!! Or men get defensive, feeling blamed for a problem that he should fix! WRONG AGAIN!!

So what's the answer? Listen AND dont be so fvcking serious! Think of her like a racquetball player, her thoughts are the ball, and you are the room; impenetrable, immovable, and something for her to bounce her ideas off of

After my lady talks about a problem, I typically respond with something along the lines of... "your soooooo adorable when your upset. What color is your thong?" (Often much more vulgar though) or "so what your saying is. You want to fvck on the kitchen table today?" With a big cheesy grin.

 

[marmel75]

Tell her if she keeps it up you'll shove your d!ck in her mouth and teach her that its not polite to talk with your mouth full.

 

[sazc]

I'm actually super curious about this as well.

My last relationship was almost 2 years long and he complained about people at work being incompetent every single day. We would chat on the phone at night and there would be a 10-20 minute monolog about who screwed up at work and why they suck, every single time. I didn't want to be not supportive but, from my perspective, the situation never changed, it was riddic to complain incessantly about it, and it was drama I didn't care to spend time listening about.

I toyed with gently telling him I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I didn't want to be non supportive.

What should I have said to him?

 

[Spidah]

Like I do with everyone else. Listen to the shyt I care about and ignore the shyt I don't care about.

 

[Roober]

I'm actually super curious about this as well.

My last relationship was almost 2 years long and he complained about people at work being incompetent every single day. We would chat on the phone at night and there would be a 10-20 minute monolog about who screwed up at work and why they suck, every single time. I didn't want to be not supportive but, from my perspective, the situation never changed, it was riddic to complain incessantly about it, and it was drama I didn't care to spend time listening about.

I toyed with gently telling him I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I didn't want to be non supportive.

What should I have said to him?

When you complain about a situation and dont come up with a solution, you are a whiner.

Do you really want to date a whiner?

 

[sazc]

When you complain about a situation and dont come up with a solution, you are a whiner.

Do you really want to date a whiner?

I'm a strange one in that I abhorr ongoing drama. I definitely believe in the mantra of "solve your issues". Anything other than solving issues means you like/prefer to love in the victim role. I detest perpetual victims.

But what/how should I have said to him to let him know I was tired of hearing about it and prefered not to talk about it?

 

[Spidah]

I'm a strange one in that I abhorr ongoing drama. I definitely believe in the mantra of "solve your issues". Anything other than solving issues means you like/prefer to love in the victim role. I detest perpetual victims.

But what/how should I have said to him to let him know I was tired of hearing about it and prefered not to talk about it?

Those exact words: I am tired of hearing about it and prefer not to talk about it.

When did telling people the truth become taboo? That's why the social landscape is so fuked up. Everyone is a sensitive little bytch who can't handle direct communication or honesty.

 

[guru1000]

I'm a strange one in that I abhorr ongoing drama. I definitely believe in the mantra of "solve your issues". Anything other than solving issues means you like/prefer to love in the victim role. I detest perpetual victims.

But what/how should I have said to him to let him know I was tired of hearing about it and prefered not to talk about it?

Masculine energy doesn’t whine about problems. I’m surprised you still felt attraction despite.

Start there.

Even if you confronted his whining, and somehow managed to avoid his ensuing emasculation, you’re still left with a whiner, albeit a silent one.

Are you assuming the leader role and he the subservient? Is this the type of relation you desire?

At that age to inspire a leader where there is none is a tall feat.

 

[guru1000]

But what/how should I have said to him to let him know I was tired of hearing about it and prefered not to talk about it?

As to your question:

I'm surprised as a female you are not the master of covert communication a/k/a being indirect to drive home a point.

Overtness will likely incite emasculation. Talk about your girlfriend who has an incredible relationship with her bf/husband. And he is so masculine, never complains about his problems but instead addresses with solutions, always supportive, kind, generous, <input whatever else you like here>, etc.

He'll get the hint.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

but, from my perspective, the situation never changed,

What I have found is that people who are unhappy will always find things to complain about. The problem isn't external, it's internal, and they are completely unable to see this even if you point it out. Because something is wrong inside, they will always find things outside to blame for the unhappiness. If they switch jobs, they will just find new people and situations to complain about. Same for friends, hobbies, relationships, whatever. It also points to a victim mentality. Rather than take action and implement a change in their lives, they prefer to just complain about being a victim. It's lazy.

 

[Alvafe]

I'm actually super curious about this as well.

My last relationship was almost 2 years long and he complained about people at work being incompetent every single day. We would chat on the phone at night and there would be a 10-20 minute monolog about who screwed up at work and why they suck, every single time. I didn't want to be not supportive but, from my perspective, the situation never changed, it was riddic to complain incessantly about it, and it was drama I didn't care to spend time listening about.

I toyed with gently telling him I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I didn't want to be non supportive.

What should I have said to him?

gonna say what I saw happen once with my parents, just let him vent, he is annoyed like hell and wanted to vent, that is all you don't need to answer just listen, maybe ask what he will do about it, I also bet you guy was older, that is not the norm for men, but what I notice is, when teh dude get older and is so used to be with a woman he will mimic what most of his woman did, he will vent like a woman, because the last decades he get that from then, but also on your especific case I think he was a weaker dude, he complained because he didn't want to fix it, and so he vented, every single day, one way to evade taht is try to steer it to other things

to op case

just listen, make fun or just listen, don't make fun out of her, tease her, or be a little sarcastic, like she complains about she does everything, I quick answer with "what a martyr"

 

[Trump]

When you’re in a relationship what are your guys’ thoughts on when women vent about a problem(s) and do so continually?

Do you just listen and let her vent, then switch topics after?

Yep.

Don’t solve, don’t tell them what to do, don’t be a white knight. Just listen and don’t take them seriously.

 

[sazc]

@guru100 the dynamics of that relationship were interesting to say the least. Outwardly he emitted "alpha" to the world. Inside he harbored fear and insecurity. Im not the type to recite a story about "another relationship" in the hopes of passively and covertly sending a 'message'. That's weak frame for anyone, IMO (tho if it works for you, great)
I'm very careful in all my relationships to be direct about topics, but to also do this in a way that doesn't cause destruction.

@oldmanofthesea I concur in your conclusion regarding un happy people. In fact, now that you mention it, his complaints about his working environment may have had a lot to do with his lack of education placing him in an easy terminable situation. What better than to complain about incompetence when you fear you might not be competitive because you lack a degree.

 

[The Duke]

All of the advice that has been posted it beneficial. In severe cases, professional counselors will tell you that women should biatch to their girlfriends, not their significant others.

I had an ex wife that had a severe case of complaining about work when she got home, much like @sazc stated. At first I listened. Then I grew tired of hearing the same story every night. Eventually I put her on a 30minute time limit. It worked at first but over time she violated the boundaries. So when she did I stood up mid sentence and walked out of the room. This was the beginning of the end to our marriage.

If you have a male that is a chronic bitcher, you don't have a man!

I dated a girl that had a really stressful job and was an exec vp that would call one of her department managers at least twice a week in the evenings to complain about work. I was happy I didn't have to hear about it! I think the guy secretly wanted to get in her pants and that's why he tolerated it.

 

[guru1000]

Im not the type to recite a story about "another relationship" in the hopes of passively and covertly sending a 'message'. That's weak frame for anyone, tho if it works for you, great)
I'm very careful in all my relationships to be direct about topics, but to also do this in a way that doesn't cause destruction..

Quite a masculine way of thinking and communication right there.

Perhaps, in the absence of female (covert) energy in your communication, he assumes the feminine role (complaining).

Something to think about.

 

[flowtheory]

There has to be a way early on to establish that complaining in excess cannot happen. I see and hear of many women doing it to their men. However I suppose it would be up to the male to say ‘no more’. But how could you do that without the woman being resentful.

I had an ex and like others have stated, all she did was complain about her job situation. Over and over. And like @oldmanofthesea said, it’s an internal problem. So if that’s the case, any amount of listening won’t do anything and would just drag the relationship down in to heavy negative energy. So what’s the play in that case? Establish a goal setting session to help her improve her life?