When do you tell 'em you have a kid?

[newlysingle]

I'm 34, but look 5-10 years younger, so I tend to attract younger women. My wife and I recently separated, on friendly terms, after 6 years of being together (the divorce will be final in a few months). We have a beautiful 17 month old who is the center of my world. I have joint physical custody and see her very often.

I've just re-entered the dating scene (I'm emotionally ready for it), and though I'm just looking to casually date for a while, I'm not sure how to handle letting women know that I'm separated (or divorced, as the case will be soon) and that I'm a very involved dad. I don't want to say that first thing, because it might scare someone away (you know, the "baggage" thing). At the same time, I feel like if I wait until after several dates to say anything, the woman might feel like I was intentionally hiding something - though I'm in no way ashamed of being married in the past, and I'm very proud to be a father.

Suggestions, please?

BTW: My little girl makes a great babe magnet. Beautiful, young women come up to me when they see me with her and comment on how adorable she is, often adding that she looks just like me. Sometimes I'm tempted to ask for a phone number, but freeze up because I think to myself, does a young woman really want to become involved with a single dad?

 

[dietzcoi]

I would be shocked if a decent, healthy young woman would want to take on another woman's kid(s). So to answer your question, you might as well tell them upfront, but be advised, I think you will wind up with the head cases who are willing to deal with it. When my kids were younger (they are now all over 15) I had numerous women tell me, no thanks, if you did not have your kids (I also have joint custody) it would be OK but ..........

I think more women than men are put off by kids. I think women think it is OK for the boyfriend to take care of THEIR kids, but they do not want to deal with HIS kids.

You cannot hide it though, so be up front and see what happens. You cannot "game" this unless you want ONS only. So go with trial and error and see how you can "soften" the blow. But be advised you will date more nuts than normal girls.

Also, maybe if you just want to have fun and go out, etc, without a serious relationship, you should date a single mother, who can hardly complain about your situation (?)

Dietzcoi

 

[Survivor]

I tend to agree with dietzcoi. Keep your options open, but for your best bet at an LTR, your primary targets will most likely be stable, well adjusted single moms.

On the other hand, I have a friend with two kids who seems to be in a great relationship with a woman with no kids, so its not impossible.

 

[princelydeeds]

I say its none of their business. If its just a chick you wanna bone a few times don't tell her at all. Keep it to yourself unitl the chick asks. I say don't ask don't tell. Get to know them as long as possible before you bring it up. Im not saying lie, Im just saying don't tell until you have to tell.

 

[MRomeo99]

I disagree. I have an 8 year old that is my pride and joy. And I'm happy to tell everyone and anyone about her. If they can't deal with it, that is their problem not mine. Plenty of women can deal with it. In fact, I have had more women that were turned on by how good I am with my daughter.

Don't hide it man. Who gives a **** what anyone else thinks, your daughter is what is important. It's much more important than any ***** anyone can give up.

Just my opinion.

M

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Originally posted by MRomeo99
I disagree. I have an 8 year old that is my pride and joy. And I'm happy to tell everyone and anyone about her. If they can't deal with it, that is their problem not mine. Plenty of women can deal with it. In fact, I have had more women that were turned on by how good I am with my daughter.

Don't hide it man. Who gives a **** what anyone else thinks, your daughter is what is important. It's much more important than any ***** anyone can give up.

Just my opinion.

M

hmm... you say plenty of women were turned on by how good you were with your daughter, but dietzcoi says he had plenty of women tell him no... interesting

 

[WaterTiger]

I think Dietzcoi might be a little off in his assumption. Women are much more open to accepting another person's child than a man is. We got that "nurturing mommy" thing going on. If a woman DOESN'T want to date you because you have kids, GOOD! She's probably shallow, selfish and judgemental.

I say tell them on the first date, you are a package, you AND your child. Tell them it's something they have to deal with. If she can't deal, then you know she's only good for a ONS, not a relationship.

Divorced fathers are COMMON! Either having joint or weekend custody of their kids. I don't see why an intellegent woman would be so put off by it.

 

[dietzcoi]

Well water Tiger, a lot of woman (and men) do not want an instant family and do not want a man who will spend his attention and money on another womans child instead of theirs.

I think that should make sense, it is not necessarily a bad or shallow thing.. it is nature and evolution at work. You won't have reproductive success in an evolutionary sense if you raise another person's children.

Fantasy and Hollywood tell us people love other people's children. The real world is otherwise...

I can only relate my own experience but I have not seen that having kids has helped me... but maybe teenagers are seen differently than small kids, and maybe multiple kids are seen as much worse than one kid?

Also custodial vs non-custodial fathers is a big difference.

If anybody is going to tell me that women (without thier own children) are MORE attracted to single fathers than single men without children, I will call them a liar to their face.

Dietzcoi

 

[wezzy]

From my own experience, my children were teenagers and they lived with me. I was always up front with it. I found that women that it mattered to, want to be a baby factory, and pop out a couple kids as soon as possible. Watch out for them.

I had one rule.

*NO contact at all with my children.

To date, I have never introduced a b*tch to my children.


As far as using your child for a pickup… Get real!!!! It may work, but is it worth it, USING your child. It’s one thing to run into a HB will with your kids, but another to plan your game around the child.


Opinion are like *ssholes, everyone has one.

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by dietzcoi

Well Water Tiger, a lot of woman (and men) do not want an instant family and do not want a man who will spend his attention and money on another womans child instead of theirs.

If anybody is going to tell me that women (without their own children) are MORE attracted to single fathers than single men without children, I will call them a liar to their face.

Agreed, an "instant family" is a scary thing! The Brady Bunch made it look WAY too easy! It's tough, frustrating & not for everyone. I'm not going to tell you that MORE women are attraced to single fathers, any more than men are attracted to single mothers, that's just nuts. What I am saying is this:

You need to let the women know in the first few dates that you have kids part/full time. Just like you should let her know if you have herpies.

Think of it this way. Wouldn't you like to know up front if the woman you're dating has kids? This way you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to date her or move on to some one else with less responsibilities.

 

[dietzcoi]

Agreed that you need to inform them upfront, unless of course you are just going in for the ONS

Dietzcoi

 

[newlysingle]

Thanks to all of you who have written so far. I welcome the varied opinions.

Just to clarify: my wife has "primary" physical custody, even though we have joint physical custody. I pick up my little girl for three-hour visits twice a week, have a lunch "date" with her once every two weeks, and have her for a full day on the weekend, every weekend. It works well for me. I didn't want overnights until she's two or so, and more ready for them. So I have lots of time with her, but plenty of time (and physical space) for "the wimming", as Schwarzenegger said in "Conan." [Teacher: "What is best in life?" Conan: "To crush yoo enemies, to see them driven befo you, and to hear da lamentation of da wimming."]

As for "using" my little girl to attract babes, that's not what I meant. I'd never use her as a prop, like a dog or a deck of cards. It just happens that women frequently approach me when I'm out with her. It's simply a side-benefit to walking with her, taking her to the park, etc., which is fun and rewarding in and of itself, even I don't meet anyone. Speaking of which, yesterday this amazingly gorgeous woman, after playing with my little girl briefly during one of my walks with her, said "I'd like to see [your daughter] again. Let me give you my phone number." She then did so. I'm thinking no matter how gorgeous and sweet my daughter is, it's really me she wants to see again, otherwise that was a pretty odd comment from someone who didn't strike me at all as being imbalanced.

I think maybe the best thing to do is: if I'm looking for a very casual tryst (e.g., ONS), 'taint their biz. If I want more, tell 'em up front.