What's the difference between a woman's sincere concern, a test and manipulation

[jafyk]

If you've seen this post before you're seeing it again because I hardly got any answers. I'd apprecaiet your thoughts and opinions. Thanks.

One of the problems I encountered in my last relationship was that my ex gf said that I REFUSED to give her what she wanted. I feel I like I treated her fairly but she claimed I was self fish and didn't do much for her except fvck her. Sometimes she conceded that I did do things for her. I am not one for keeping scores of what you do for someone. Well, that'a a lil back ground info but my questions are as follows:
1) What's the difference between a girl having a legit concern and just whining and trying to test you to get her way?
2) If a girl is cursing you out , crying and being in your face with a claim of being treated unfairly. How do you guys just deny your feelings and act like it's nothing and just pass this supposed test? This makes no sense to me. If I walked up to you and started talking crap to your face and bla bla you're more than likely to punch me. So, why is it I read all these posts here that make it seem like it's just some other test you take in school. Where as your buttons are really being pushed by the girl and I'm taking all I have in me not to hit her?

 

[Jokerlsk]

I honestly don't no the difference either, but don't EVER hit her. Just don't man, 1. it's not right. 2. You can get in deep sh1t for it. Next time you get this urge just leave

 

[jafyk]

I feel you on that jokerlsk.I normally ask the girl to leave when I feel it's getting to that point. It aint worth my freedom.

 

[Igetit!]

To be honset man,this is a loaded question.I mean I know the answer,but it's hard to explain.But hey,I'll give it my best shot.Alright,here's the deal.Women test men.The reason they test you is to find out what kind of man you are.
A woman wants a man who is strong,confident,someone who can protect her.
When you first approach a woman,she doesn't know you.She doesn't know anything about you.Now,although she doesn't know you,she does know the type of guy she's interested in.You see what I'm sayin? She already knows the type of guy she's attracted to,she just doesn't if YOU'REthat type,because she just met you.This is why they test.Let me give you a example of what I mean.A woman doesn't want a man who can be pushed around.So you know what she'll do?SHE'LLtry to push you around.She doesn't want a man who can be controlled,so what will she do?SHE'LLtry to control you.You see what I'm saying?Her thinking is this,"I don't want a wimp,someone who I can push around.Let's see if he can stand up for himself".Then she"ll start doing off the wall things to see how you will react.
Believe me,she's not crazy,she knows what she's doing.It's all about seeing if you're a man or not.Let's say you make plans for the two of you to go to a specific restaurant.You made these plan 3 days ago,already told your girlfriend,and everything is already is set.Then the day of the date rolls around and 2 hours before you're supposed to show up at the restaurant,your girlfriend changes her mind,and says she wants to go to a different restaurant:
GF:Hey,let's go to xxxxxx instead.
YOU:I already have reservations for us at (whatever name),you know that.
GF:Yeah,I know,but I want to go to xxxxxxx instead.
YOU:Well we can't.Everything's already set and paid for.
GF:I don't care! I want to go to xxxxxxx!
YOU:Well we can't.Maybe next time.
GF:Well fine!You can go there by yourself then,because I'm not going!!!
This is a test.She wants to see if she can manipulate you or control you with her yelling and temper tantrums.Most guys give in to it thinking they are making the woman happy,but they're not.Do you know what a MAN would do in this situation? When she said,"Fine!You can go buy yourself!",a REAL man would respond,"O.K.,I'll see you when I get back.".Period.No yelling,no cursing,no getting upset or angry,and DEFINATELY no giving in.This is a test.When a woman is genuinely sincere,there won't be so much emotion invovled in her request.Also,when she is sincere,whenever she ask you for something or ask or help,it is something that she can't do on her own,or something that she obviously needs help with.
Hope this helps!

 

[EastWind]

It's all about how she presents it. I personally have no problem with my main girl (who I will call my girlfriend for simplicity's sake) wanting to discuss a problem she sees with me, as long as she does it in a mature way. Yelling, cussing, slamming doors and being *****y in general are not OK. But if the problem is presented in a calm and more or less self-controlled manner, it can be a discussion, which I feel is vital to actual relationships. There ARE going to be things that need working out, simply because you two are different people with different views on different things.

It's a fine line. I've had my girlfriend start crying in the middle of discussions. Women are just more emotional than men, so they tend to get involved in discussions more and getting affected by them more. The point is that she wasn't shouting at me and accusing me of things. She was telling me how she perceives some of my actions, and that she dislikes some of them. But it wasn't *****Y. It was just communication.

To which, by the way, I responded with "OK" and simply gave it some thought. While ****-tests don't get me thinking, when someone who is close to me and knows me well tells me how they perceive me, it does get me thinking. Sure, men are uninfluenced by their surroundings. But there is nothing wrong with listening to input from people who you trust. Such as your parents.

In the end, it comes down to how what she tells you makes you feel: Are you taken aback and can't, for the love of God, see where she's coming from while she is yelling at you that you're an egoistical bastard? Chances are, she's being hormonal and testy. Is she telling you, in a more-or-less friendly manner, about something that you actually did and can you see her point? Give it some thought.

 

[Effington]

I don't think it matters, because you should handle both the same way. I know a lot of women with "legit concerns," but their reaction is the same as if it were a test.

If a girl is being obnoxious to me to my face, I will leave, maybe say something like, we'll talk when you calm down. [Hint: That usually makes her more mad, but that's why you leave right afterwards]

 

[ready123]

a test is her doing something to see if you're for real. If you're coming across high value, she'll test you by knocking you out of your comfort zone to see if you can recover. she's checking your reaction for congruence - trying to separate the guys who are actually high value from the guys who are just faking it. the whole point of a test is she needs reassurance you're for real before she lets the interaction go further. if you're a phony and she goes home with you, she's loses. therefore a girl will only test a guy she's attracted to

in manipulation, she's not testing your value. she's just trying to get something from you even if it means being disrespectful. manipulation is a girl going up to you at the bar and trying to get you to buy her and her friends drinks

and when it comes to legitimate concerns, her goal is communication. she wants you to listen

look at the context of the interaction to figure it out

and your ex girl wasn't testing you. she had legitimate concerns she was trying to get across to you

 

[WC2]

The saying goes, it's always better when a woman cares. It's when she stops caring is when you need to start worrying.

Women whining and sh!t tests are usually just a sign that the relationship is healthy. She still cares about the well being of you and she fears that you will turn against her and leave her out for trash.

It's when a woman stops caring, that you best look into other options. I can't tell you how many times I see couples out to dinner looking miserable. The woman sits there motionless as the male has nothing useful to say. The woman is so far past caring that she doesn't even ask him why they aren't talking. She's actually looking into the future picturing the perfect man who is coming after she dumps this slouch, who by the way she dated for 3 years. As the guy is signing the $120 check with a bottle of wine, this hot broad eye ****s the hell out of me as she is leaving. What a poor sap she is leading on.

Moral of the story, arguments and tests aren't always bad. Silence kills!

 

[jafyk]

Igetit, thanks a lot for your input here. The girl I had most of this experience with was my girlfriend. Some of the things she put me through made no sense. For example she said her ex who she didn't want to be with was her best friend . The major relationship they had is (1) he gave her ride (cos they both lived on the other side of town) and she gave him gas money (2) They were both involved at organizing an open mic show, which I attended. I've spoken to the guy a lot of times and he seems pretty cool and respectful. So, I felt like I really had nothing to worry about. Anyway, my ex gf complains to me that she doesn't like how the guy is treating her and I ask her if he was sexually harrassing her she said "no", I inquired but she wouldn't give me any details. She insinuated that it was my fault she had to go through whatever ordeal this was. I told her I was going to talk to the guy she didn't want me to do that. I asked her if I was going to give her rides and told her she couldn't socialize with him she said that wouldn't be an option. In the first place the reason I allowed the guy to give her rides to work was because of their best friend relationship. I didn't want to come in between them. This was one of the past experiences that lead me to writing this thread because she wanted me to play savior yet she wouldn't let me. The other thing was once we had a conversation about her saying i wasn't doing some things she wanted and I told her I don't like to be controlled by anyone and she said that "when people are in a relationship they have to give up some control" In a way it kind of made sense to me in another way it didn't. Anyway, that's a lil background info on what led to this post. I appreciate what you guys have written above. I'm out of this relationship now but I need to know somethings (my thead) so that in future relationships I can avoid some of these things or look out for them. Thanks guys.

 

[jafyk]

What this means is?

Igetit, so in other words all this crying, yelling and outbursts of anger is really a woman testing a guy? If these are the symptoms then the test is easy to recognize. I guess if I had seen it as a test instead of real feelings of feeling wronged by the woman I'd have just said to myself "yeah, whatever I know this is a test so I'ill play it out with you" instead of being angry, irritated etc?
The other thing I'd like to add is that the times I had given in it wasn't necessarily to make her happy but to make this torturous behavior stop. I guess in this case giving in to make the nagging go away is losing huh?

 

[ready123]

dude, if she's yelling those are legitimate issues made worse by poor communication skills and the possibility she's nuts. either talk to her and work it out or qualify for a better girlfriend next time

testing has always been a congruence check, nothing more. you get tested a lot during the attraction phase when she doesn't know you and every once in a while during the relationship phase when she has doubts or is comparing you to some other dude. but guys don't understand the concept and like to be all paranoid and sht so you got some dudes on here who think EVERYTHING a girl does is a test. that's retarded

 

[Igetit!]

Ready123 is right.Testing is a congruency test.She's trying to find out if you are real man,or are you just putting on some kind of act.She's looking for holes in your character,but guess what? In reality,the tests are actually agood thing.Just the fact that she is testing you means that is she has an interest in you.If she wasn't interested in you,instead of testing,do you know she'd do?She'd turn cold.I mean icecold.Like when you try to talk to a girl and she either doesn't respond,responds with one-word answers,or turn her back to you while you are in the middle of speaking to her.Yeah,this kind of cold.So the test are good to have,as long as she isn't testing you everyday,that would get on anybody's nerves.Another thing Ready123 said rings true.Don't make the mistake of thinking that everythingshe does is a test.Every emotional outburst isn't a test or meant to manipulate you.
Don't get it twisted,man.You need wisdom to be able to tell what is a test and when she is genuinely being sincere.I can't give you the wisdom to tell the difference,because wisdom comes with time and experience,however,I can give you a few pointers to be on the lookout for.
First,look to see if her being emotional is an attempt to get you to change something,Especiallyif the thing is something small or minor,something that really wouldn't make a difference one way or the other.
Also,she'll test by asking you to do something for her.It's o.k. to do things for her,but if she repeatedly ask you to do this,do that,or do this for me,it's a test.The thing I look for is whether or not the thing she ask you to do is something she can easilydo own her own or not. If it's lifting heavy boxes,that's fine.Moving furniture,that's fine.Or having a problem with her car,these are things she clearly needs help with.But you are sitting down,eating dinner,watching tv,and she's sitting next to you and tells you to go get her a glass of water? You understand what I'm saying.Oh,and yeah.Giving in to her when she throws a temper tantrum is a lose-lose situation.

 

[jafyk]

Igetit and ready123, I'm glad you guys responded because you've touched on somethings I've experienced. Lol, I'm a lil excited here so let me try to calm down and put my thoughts out so you get what I'm saying.
She was my only 2nd girlfriend and really the 1st one (we were together for about 7 months, just giving you some background info here).
Anyway, after a while it can almost start to feel like is everything a test and I hate this frame of mind because it becomes unsettling to start to think of everything as a test. Another thing that creates this conflict of is it a test or a genuine concern is 1) She tends to bring up all these complaints when we get into some form of argument or verbal fight. To which I respond "if this is how you felt about this why didn't you just tell me at the time and I would've just fixed the problem then instead of waiting for us to get into a fight and then start bringing all this up. Example we go to hang out with friends and she doesn't want to join in the fun and she acts everything is cool... fast forward to the future the day of the fight/argument/my complaint then she tells me I ignored her when we went out to hang with friends.Aaaagh, why not simply say at the time "I feel ignored" or mention it sometime later that day but no she saves it for a rainy day.
2) About doing small things for her which you mentioned. These are things I encountered a lot. We once went out to dinner at a close friend's family. It was a serve yourself type dinner and she expected me to get the food for her. I either didn't do it or reluctantly did it (I vaguely remember). On the way out she also had a take away in a plastic container and also wanted me to carry that for her , which I refused.Anyway, she picked up on my attitude and later complained that I don't do little things that she asks me to do. I told her that those were little things she could do herself and it doesn't make sense to me when she can do them herself especially since she's ok. Then she counters me by saying what of when she doesn't small things for me like get me something from the fridge when I'm sitting etc. (normally she's already headed in that direction when I ask for such favors) anyway, her counter kinda made sense to me. So, I thought to myself if i can expect little things from her why can't she expect the same of me? So, guys now that you have both Point of views. What do you think?

 

[jafyk]

Igetit and ready123, I'm glad you guys responded because you've touched on somethings I've experienced. Lol, I'm a lil excited here so let me try to calm down and put my thoughts out so you get what I'm saying.
She was my only 2nd girlfriend and really the 1st one (we were together for about 7 months, just giving you some background info here).
Anyway, after a while it can almost start to feel like is everything a test and I hate this frame of mind because it becomes unsettling to start to think of everything as a test. Another thing that creates this conflict of is it a test or a genuine concern is 1) She tends to bring up all these complaints when we get into some form of argument or verbal fight. To which I respond "if this is how you felt about this why didn't you just tell me at the time and I would've just fixed the problem then instead of waiting for us to get into a fight and then start bringing all this up. Example we go to hang out with friends and she doesn't want to join in the fun and she acts everything is cool... fast forward to the future the day of the fight/argument/my complaint then she tells me I ignored her when we went out to hang with friends.Aaaagh, why not simply say at the time "I feel ignored" or mention it sometime later that day but no she saves it for a rainy day.
2) About doing small things for her which you mentioned. These are things I encountered a lot. We once went out to dinner at a close friend's family. It was a serve yourself type dinner and she expected me to get the food for her. I either didn't do it or reluctantly did it (I vaguely remember). On the way out she also had a take away in a plastic container and also wanted me to carry that for her , which I refused.Anyway, she picked up on my attitude and later complained that I don't do little things that she asks me to do. I told her that those were little things she could do herself and it doesn't make sense to me when she can do them herself especially since she's ok. Then she counters me by saying what of when she doesn't small things for me like get me something from the fridge when I'm sitting etc. (normally she's already headed in that direction when I ask for such favors) anyway, her counter kinda made sense to me. So, I thought to myself if i can expect little things from her why can't she expect the same of me? So, guys now that you have both Point of views. What do you think?

 

[Slick101]

To be honset man,this is a loaded question.I mean I know the answer,but it's hard to explain.But hey,I'll give it my best shot.Alright,here's the deal.Women test men.The reason they test you is to find out what kind of man you are.
A woman wants a man who is strong,confident,someone who can protect her.
When you first approach a woman,she doesn't know you.She doesn't know anything about you.Now,although she doesn't know you,she does know the type of guy she's interested in.You see what I'm sayin? She already knows the type of guy she's attracted to,she just doesn't if YOU'REthat type,because she just met you.This is why they test.Let me give you a example of what I mean.A woman doesn't want a man who can be pushed around.So you know what she'll do?SHE'LLtry to push you around.She doesn't want a man who can be controlled,so what will she do?SHE'LLtry to control you.You see what I'm saying?Her thinking is this,"I don't want a wimp,someone who I can push around.Let's see if he can stand up for himself".Then she"ll start doing off the wall things to see how you will react.
Believe me,she's not crazy,she knows what she's doing.It's all about seeing if you're a man or not.Let's say you make plans for the two of you to go to a specific restaurant.You made these plan 3 days ago,already told your girlfriend,and everything is already is set.Then the day of the date rolls around and 2 hours before you're supposed to show up at the restaurant,your girlfriend changes her mind,and says she wants to go to a different restaurant:
GF:Hey,let's go to xxxxxx instead.
YOU:I already have reservations for us at (whatever name),you know that.
GF:Yeah,I know,but I want to go to xxxxxxx instead.
YOU:Well we can't.Everything's already set and paid for.
GF:I don't care! I want to go to xxxxxxx!
YOU:Well we can't.Maybe next time.
GF:Well fine!You can go there by yourself then,because I'm not going!!!
This is a test.She wants to see if she can manipulate you or control you with her yelling and temper tantrums.Most guys give in to it thinking they are making the woman happy,but they're not.Do you know what a MAN would do in this situation? When she said,"Fine!You can go buy yourself!",a REAL man would respond,"O.K.,I'll see you when I get back.".Period.No yelling,no cursing,no getting upset or angry,and DEFINATELY no giving in.This is a test.When a woman is genuinely sincere,there won't be so much emotion invovled in her request.Also,when she is sincere,whenever she ask you for something or ask or help,it is something that she can't do on her own,or something that she obviously needs help with.
Hope this helps!

So when she yells cries and e.t.c on the phone... How do you handle this test?

 

[jafyk]

Sometimes I tell her we can talk later when she calms down. Sometimes I simply hang up on her. I just hate being pestered. What are you supposed to do when a girl won't stop calling or texting you and u r trying to catch some sleep? Pacify her so you can get your peace? I've used this approach sometimes or just turned off my phone and pull my phone out of the jack.