What type of woman is this?

[Omen]

Besides crazy, insecure and emotionally unstable, what type of woman is this??

Relationships are my deal, I help so many people with them, and is my key study area in school, but for the love of me I can't seem to put a tag or two on this type of woman.

Story in short:

Met girl at church. Girl got out of bad relationship. I came along and was her prince charming so to speak. She thought VERY highly of me, thought I was the best thing in the world, thanked God for me, etc.

Of course like any couple we had a few ups and down, but nothing very serious. Time went buy, The I love you was said, and we were going to get engaged then married. It was a really good relationship except I realized I couldn't figure out why everything I did RIGHT seemed to be WRONG according to her.

We dated for 9 months, and then out of know where in Feb, she canned me. She decided she didn't love me like she thought. But I don't think that the case. Anyhow here is what bugs me.


When I would tell her she was beautiful I would get this line... "don't tell me that, I don't like it when people say that. People have said that too many times, and people end up getting hurt. Please don't call me that anymore."

As a guy, I thought complimenting a woman was perfectly fine.

second, when I used to spontaneously do things for her she would get upset cause she never could return the favor. Now it wasn't showering her with gifts or what not, it was just your average out of know where I love you, or e-card, or heart shaped pancakes, or a note written on the mirror of the bathroom, etc.

Things like that. For some reason she didn't like it.

She also didn't like that fact of "keeping her interest" so to speak. Everytime I would try to reveal something about me or give her something new she didn't like it. Now I don't mean dark secrets cause there weren't any, but stuff like.... Bet I never told you I could drum? Bet you didn't know I could roller-blade? Stuff like that. Fun stuff and things that make a woman go... He is full of surprises. She didn't like it.

Next when I wanted to see her more than once a week, she got mad. Because she was 55mi away, I didn't constantly drive to see her, but we got 1-2x per week, sometimes 3. But there came a point when she was like..... Do you have to get pleasure by seeing me? Can't we just talk? blah blah. I said well I am your bf, and I would like to see you when I can.

Sometimes she would say I was too clingy. But I knew better. She didn't have a phone so I never called. She was 55mi away so I wasn't on her doorstep 24/7, I didn't shower her with gifts, not did I say I love you I love you and wear the word out.


After telling many other woman this after we broke up they never did understand what was wrong with her. The other girls would say... I wish my bf would keep my interest, or get me flowers when it isn't a special occasion and write me a poem. I wish my bf would see me more.

So as a DJ, and Sociology Major, I am totally baffled as to what to term this type of woman as? Maybe what I mentioned above was about it. Insecure emotionally unstable, etc.

Any tips fellas?

 

[trajhenkhet]

I feel you Omen. Something similiar happend to me about 4 days ago though for not as long. I wasen't perfect in everything I did, but I did feel that things were progressing in the relationship. It lasted 4 months. The last month I was still in the middle of searching for a job and getting a license and what not but still had a bit of free time since school ended. She got a job around the beginning of last month and I did realize that she wasen't going to have as much free time as she used to. Soon we saw each other less and less. Sure she visited more often but for less time. Instead of spending hours at my place we spent mere minutes. Basically we spent way too much time together.

To add insult to injury she would spend time with other dudes still. Early on I didn't care but with the way things were going it was a concern. She would also actively flirt with my friends. Now friends flirting is no big deal. But when lady flirts actively back its time to asses character. She got one of my friends number and after me and her ended things I called him to see if she ever did anything with him. He told me she called him once over some printers but that was all the contact they had. (She had some printers that she said needed fixing and my friend was certified to fix printers but still thats crap.)

After that incident and a few other oddities trust basically died. I told her when we ended things that trust is built over time and she did things that caused me not to trust her. I'll spare you the crap she told me.

Basically what this all comes down is how the ladies sense of self worth is. Real self worth, not "I'm better than everyone else". If she dosen't hold her self worth high she will act in such a manner. Sometimes it takes the form of her rejecting positive comments which kills attraction. Sometimes its like my ex who derived her self worth from seeing what she could get from men without doing anything. Attention, gifts, quite possibly sex. From my experience its best to date and wait until she proves she is worth more of ones time. She should be putting effort into one. Her actions will let you know if you've done something right. Don't listen to words. Like I told my ex, an action is worth 10,000 of them. You'll see if she has any worth let alone self worth

Make sure her self worth comes from her. Nothing else.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

She's strange, but I'm going to take a shot in the dark: I think you're girl was sexually abused in the past and never told you, which is valuable info in my opinion.

1. She in no way wants to be remind of what makes her attractive.

2. She may kind of like you, but not in the way you want. She's a woman, she feels like less of one if she doesn't have a boyfriend, even though she doesn't really want one. You are there to make her life look more normal to the outside world.

3. It's possible she's a lesbian since the abuse. In this case, she will keep you around as a "beard" until she's strong enough to admit to the life she wants to lead.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

[bp1974]

Man, you are so far in denial that I have no idea what it'll take to make you see that it takes TWO to f*ck up a relationship.

She told you you were too clingy but you "knew better". Get over your ego - when she said you were too clingy, she was right. You were too clingy FOR HER. But you didn't listen.

This seems to be the theme of your post: "She said she didn't like it when I did this, but I knew she was wrong so I kept on doing it. Why'd she dump me?"

She doesn't sound like the most mature of women, but she was telling you what she did and didn't like about you, and you ignored it. We call these signs red flags, because they show us the reality of the situation, and give us the chance to make our own decisions based on that reality. Instead, you ignored all those red flags from her which were showing you how incompatible you and she were, and you clung on to your illusion of how you wanted the relationship to be. Which is why, to you, she dumped you "out of nowhere". In reality, she'd been telling you for a long time that you were on the way out if you didn't man up and stop being so Nice Guy to her.

The other girls would say... I wish my bf would keep my interest, or get me flowers when it isn't a special occasion and write me a poem. I wish my bf would see me more.

They may say that's what they want, but you're the bf that's been dumped. They've kept hold of their bf's. Think about that.

You need to read the DJ Bible. Preferably with your "Sociology Major" ego turned off.

bp1974

 

[Bonhomme]

BP nailed it.

Stole the words right out of my typing finger.

 

[Bungo Pony]

She's strange, but I'm going to take a shot in the dark: I think you're girl was sexually abused in the past and never told you, which is valuable info in my opinion.

MR_PERFECT hit the nail right on the head.

She's showing the obvious signs of it. Her abuser may have told her how pretty she is whenever she felt in danger of being abused. Any words of compliment will make her uneasy as a result of this. Things just fell apart from there. If anything, she's trying to have trust in men, but she's failing. She needs some serious therapy.

To answer your question, she's emotionally unstable & insecure.

 

[am4591]

Thanks, bp1974--I was beginning to think everybody here had taken leave of their senses.

Omen: What type of woman is this? I'd call it normal. You're too much of a nice guy, you need to lay off the ass-kissing. Telling her she's beautiful, doing little cute things for her--damn, don't do crap like that. It's no wonder she dumped you. I'd guess she found somebody else who didn't act like this. Yes, you were too "clingy". Seeing her 2 or 3 times a week, telling her stuff about yourself....From your post, I don't see that's she's emotionally unstable, insecure, or warped at all. She just reacted normally.

 

[Omen]

Originally posted by bp1974
Man, you are so far in denial that I have no idea what it'll take to make you see that it takes TWO to f*ck up a relationship.

She told you you were too clingy but you "knew better". Get over your ego - when she said you were too clingy, she was right. You were too clingy FOR HER. But you didn't listen.

This seems to be the theme of your post: "She said she didn't like it when I did this, but I knew she was wrong so I kept on doing it. Why'd she dump me?"

She doesn't sound like the most mature of women, but she was telling you what she did and didn't like about you, and you ignored it. We call these signs red flags, because they show us the reality of the situation, and give us the chance to make our own decisions based on that reality. Instead, you ignored all those red flags from her which were showing you how incompatible you and she were, and you clung on to your illusion of how you wanted the relationship to be. Which is why, to you, she dumped you "out of nowhere". In reality, she'd been telling you for a long time that you were on the way out if you didn't man up and stop being so Nice Guy to her.


They may say that's what they want, but you're the bf that's been dumped. They've kept hold of their bf's. Think about that.

You need to read the DJ Bible. Preferably with your "Sociology Major" ego turned off.

bp1974

Actually its the quite opposite. See, we worked on that stuff. After a few months of knowing, I didn't do any of that stuff. She would pay for stuff here and there, as would I. I never bought anything, and even said i'll stop all that nice guy stuff. Then after the beautiful incident, I never said it again. So no I never kept pushing. And on the seeing her note, 2-3x a week was only on like holidays, and I should have pointed that out. The rest the time it was ONCE a week, sometimes 0.

True nice guy I am, but I didn't play it all the time. Like realy soft and gentle. One time she said hold my purse, I said hold it your damn self, i'm not your master, you have 2 perfectly good hands. And she was shocked, but like that I took control.

One day we were at this play and we were the only 2 in the elevator and I slammed her against it and put one on her. She thought that was great.

So its not like I was a wuss or let her take control.

And about the past. She had been really hurt. her ex dumped her for another girl with her name. She is a VERY pretty girl, and gets scared.

I will say though that I am leaning on the post about abuse. I used to get over and over.... If we get married there is something I want to tell you. Now it may have been abuse to her, or abuse between parents. I don't know cause I never was told. But by the way it sounded, it wasn't good.

She was holding something, and I know it wasn't about sex.

I really think it has something to do with her parents honestly. By what gathered, I came up with there was something she didn't like from the past.

I have to lean more towards that as well as insecure, emotionally unstable, etc. And mature? She always wanted credit for being, but never proved it.

The reason I choose this over it all being my fault is that I have learned a few things about her this past week. Not from the past, but after we broke up. Things having to do with trust, self respect, etc. Things that were very serious to her but in the end she lied to herself.

Thanks for the help, and even you bp1974, but I can't fall on that response cause I didn't ass kiss. It used to be..... I would do anything to keep you, I don't want to be without you. And we came to the point where I could be who I was, and that's all she needed.

Guess not, but anyhow it wasn't like I had to do much to keep her when I had her. Ultimately I also think age has to do with it too. I will never date someone 18 again at the age of 23. I learned my lesson. Learned it the hard way, but I learned.

 

[bp1974]

Thanks for the help, and even you bp1974

You are welcome.

The reason I choose this over it all being my fault is that I have learned a few things about her this past week

Like I said, it takes TWO. Always. You have 50% of the responsibility for creating this relationship with her - once you can accept that, you can start to learn how to do it better next time.

Regardless of whether you agree with what I said about your behaviour, you are still learning very little if you decide to put all of the blame on her. All you've done is change your tactics - in your first post you were all "I did everything right, and knew what was best", and in your last post you've changed to "I was no nice guy, but she was so f*cked up and young that it was bound to go wrong". Still no emphasis on you.

Spending your time thinking up reasons why it was all her fault is classic Nice Guy behaviour. Forget all the surface stuff (flower-giving etc) about what makes a Nice Guy - that's all icing on the cake.

A Nice Guy:

- Makes covert contracts. "I'll behave this way, and she'll love me and give me sex for it". That's one example, there's lots more.
- Hides his own frustrations and anger when she doesn't fulfil her end of the 'deal', because being seen to be nice is so important, as is being the 'victim'.
- Every now and then acts like a real jerk because he thinks she'll like him more for it, and doesn't have the confidence to be real
- Never takes responsibility for fulfilling his own needs, and then feels put out that he doesn't get what he deserves

Rather than explain your initial post better, you toned down your "I know it all" attitude in your second post in order to take the emphasis away from you and put it back on her. Passive-aggressive, classic Nice Guy defence.

I'm working hard here, not because I want to attack you, but because if even one thing I've said causes a small chink in your armour then I'll be happy with that.

bp1974

 

[Omen]

Yeah but what do I do when I even said at one point it was all my fault, or maybe I did everything wrong? I did that at one point to see if maybe I did. So I said seriously, put all the blame on me and I will take it like a man.

Then I would get, no you did a great job at being a boyfriend, and it wasn't all your fault.

When I left the state a few weeks ago she e-mailed me the Dave Matthews song where are you going which I told her to listen too cause that was the last time I would see her cause of opportunities else where. And in BOLD font was this line....

DON'T HIDE AWAY

I HAVE NO REASONS FOR YOU

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ANSWERS

Those 3 parts of the song were bold. I just don't know bp, I have never been this confused in my life.

 

[am4591]

So you're still staying in touch with her? I'm a little confused too. Why would she dump you, then email you those lines? I would stop emailing her and see what her response, if any, is.

 

[Omen]

No as of yesterday I am no longer in contact with her. We had come to terms last month to try and be friends, but because of certain trust/respect issues and that of the sort I told her I didn't want to be friends with her.

Constant lie after lie. And I was upset after we broke up and we had planned to get married, but not as upset as I was to find out some things recently, and how she betrayed me as a friend. Didn't cheat on me, but it has to do with self respect.

And I came to the point to where I wasn't going to be a doormat as a friend.

I said don't play me stupid I know everything. I'm tired of this, I trusted you, you wanted to be friends, and wanted at least that, but I see otherwise. I said find another person to do this too. I won't be treated like this. I never want to talk to you or see you again.

And she didn't think I would be like this cause I really loved the girl, and she thought I loved her so much that she could pull any stunt in the world, and even as a friend. I told her otherwise yesterday.

I won't be treated like she has treated me by ANYONE. I don't care who they are. She's hurt me more as a friend then anything else.

Will she care down the road? Who knows, but I stood up for myself, and as much as I wanted that to be the LAST thing on earth to happen I feel good in a way. I guess in a way to say I won't be abused by you.

 

[quasimoto]

sometimes women that you have been dating for a decent amount of time can be extremely manipulative, and it seems that this "new" behavior came out of the blue. they can say one thing to string you along (they might not even be aware of it) and act in a completely different way. i think a lot of this has to do with age, the younger the girl the more likely they are to exhibit this kind of behavior. i would say quit banging your head against the wall on this one and walk away. you could end up giving yourself a real good mind fu*k. it's not worth it. i would never have believed another human was capable of being infinitely cruel to someone that they "love" until it happened to me. from the post you have written, it looks like the signs of this kind of girl are there. you don't know what she is doing 55 miles away. while you are sprung on her she could be messing with 20 other guys, trying to get them to feel like you do. and i agree with an earlier post that suggested that there may have been some abuse in her past. that is not your fault, you shouldn't have to take sh*t for it.

my other take on the situation is that you could simply be a rebound. i don't want to be a girl's "prince charming". every time i have let a girl put me on that kind of pedastal i have only let them down. i'd rather be the guy they want to take home and do nasty things to. i don't want to play the rescuer's role anymore. that is what it sounds like you were to her. when the girl is successfully rescued what happens? in my case i took 10 months of crap that almost pushed me to the edge. afterward i became a jerk, then i found this site around 1 1/2 yrs ago. anyway, i'm saying that it is not worth getting your head screwed with. if you can't function normally because of this cjick, drop her and never talk to her again. there are lots and lots and lots and more lots of girls out there who flock to a guy that behaves like this site suggests.

i will never again ask for a woman's opinion on relationships. they cannot give you advice that helps (i know there may be a few exceptions).

if a girl does not respond well to compliments or gifts, in my opinion, that is a major redflag.

i'm almost done, i promise. i just graduated with my degree in sociology, good to see a colleague on the board. while we can definately understand relationships within a variety of situations, i've found that romantic realtionships require an understanding that is counterintuitive. as sociologists we can say that money and stability are at the heart of a LTR, but we cannot easily explain the chemistry that makes a woman want to be with a man the way a crack addict likes to smoke rock. $ and stability will get one a LTR, hell, it will get someone marriage and kids, but it cannot create the drug like effect that attraction triggers. that is why i am here. nothing about attraction was covered in great detail in any of my undergrad classes. i can explain all kinds of social situations, and relationships ( you probably can to), but as far as explaining what triggers and maintains attraction, i was in the dark. (enter the DJ site & DJ bible into my life)

that is the end of my rant. bottom line: do not talk to her. if she begins pursuing you again, be cautious. i think it is in your best interest to drop her.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Originally posted by Omen

I will say though that I am leaning on the post about abuse. I used to get over and over.... If we get married there is something I want to tell you. Now it may have been abuse to her, or abuse between parents. I don't know cause I never was told. But by the way it sounded, it wasn't good.

That's most likely it. When women (or men) have a deep dark secret, they will mention that they have one, but may wait to come out and tell you. My ex did the same thing, but she ended up telling me.

It's obviously something she's ashamed of, and she only wants to tell someone she completely trusts. She doesn't want anyone else to know about it.

Glad to hear you cut off contact with her, now stick to it! After some time passes, she'll feel that she's missing you, and try to make contact with you. STAND YOUR GROUND!! You don't want to fall back into her trap.

 

[Omen]

Yeah quasi, I dropped her yesterday. Told her sister who really saw where I was coming from after the relationship why all the sudden I told her I didn't want her sister apart of my life. If she doesn't know why, I can't tell her cause it's not my place to rat out her sister on her. I'm sure all hell would break loose cause the older sis doesn't like the way she acts (the one I dated)

I know what you mean by pushing me off the edge. She came close just recently more then when we broke up. It sucks when you know things your not supposed to know, or that they think you'll never find out. She took me for stupid and this is what she gets.

And I told her older sister, I said I have never been treated so horribly in my life then by your sister. And more so as a friend. NO ONE has treated me this way or done this to me. And I told her I will NOT have her treat me this way. NO ONE.

So before I get more fuked in the head by what I know I told her sister tell her to stay away from me.

Now I am 500mi away so I don't think that will be a problem, but I am tired of forgiving people, and people crying wolf.

So yeah I don't think there will be contact anymore. And if there is by her down the road, i'm sticking my ground and not falling for BS.

 

[Omen]

At least all this give me something to write about as far as music goes, and when I drum I can drum that much better.

For her sake she better hopes my drumming talent doesn't head North. She'll be watching MTV one day or see me on the cover of a magazine or hear a song on the radio, and she'll know its about her.

So can you tell me what you wrote this song about? Yeah, about this one girl I knew.....

I'll even send her an autographed CD. lol

I've always thought about that. When a band like Linkin Park, Godsmack, etc write songs about ex girlfriends, or women, and then these women get shocked one day to find out their ex is famous and that the CD is all about her. Must be rough for her. But its got to feel good for the singer and the band

 

[John11276]

If you write bitter songs about heart break, then the girl still wins right. I'm sure even though these girls here songs by Linkin Park etc. they see that the person never got over them and no matter how much money they have, fame, etc. they broke them down.

 

[Omen]

Nah, I won't write them about bein heart broke like some country song. They'll all be about trust and respect of that sort. And too you have to include stuff like.... You fuked with the wrong one. Joking, but you get my drift.

Could write like Lifehouse does, but that's just the opposite. Listen to Lifehouse, and you can tell those are some pretty rough songs as far as wanting her back, etc etc. I'm sure you've heard some of the songs. Mine would be totally opposite.

Now I can tell you that's what she would expect. Songs of the sort that say.... Take me back, I'm sorry, I love you, etc etc. If she guess that, she guessed wrong.

I don't know but sometimes you come up with quite a song. And when you play it it's a whole nother ball game. There's nothing like the feeling of playing music and it meaning something