What to do - were in a relationship, but 'pushed her away' and now hasn't contacted

[lover4721]

So - we were perfect this summer. We had rough patches, which was my fault on playing my game too hard. I would push her away so then she would come back and try harder. I was teasing.
Half of the problem was that we were not romantic, sexual, intimate, etc. We would meet up and do the same thing time after time.
She was a college student and didn't have money. I was in this situation at one time in my life, so I felt bad asking her to do anything. She would suggest to meet-up, go to dunkin donuts, etc.

We were good.

Then an issue occurred where basically because I wouldn't hold her hand, she thought I didn't love her. She sat in her car crying, and I unfortunately was not emotionally available so I just kind of sat there. She drove off, said we were done, and went cold for a few days. I thought for sure we were done. Deep down inside, I didn't think she was the right one, which is why I think I would push her away. I didn't agree with her family issues, college decisions, and her mental problems.

Days later, she came back apologizing. She went on another date and said it was horrible, which is why she came back to me. She said she was curious to see what was out there - if she could have gotten better attention than I was giving. She said she was dying to be smothered and obsessed over. She said I am the only guy she needs.

I met her family and we had a great time! She said she was excited and she was glad I got to meet her family. She said 'A week ago, I thought we would never be here.'

Then after that, I found she was back on OkCupid. I had a problem with this. I really wanted to be over with the relationship. So I pushed her away. She asked to go to the beach, and I said 'no'. Deep down I wanted to go. She said she knew I was going to say no.

I feel like now she is afraid to ask me anything. I asked her 'what beach' a day after. She said 'no. I'm done'.
She said I am always hot and cold, I say sweet things, and then I say things like 'we would never be together'.
She didn't say we were done for good after that conversation. She sort of just said we shouldn't be blaming each other, and we should work things out. She said she was sorry for leaving (before the date) and it wouldn't happen again.

I said a few nice things, etc. She didn't reply in 2 hours (probably sleeping, because when we had issues, she was up early in the AM and then took a nap around 7PM). Then she said 'hi' and I didn't reply. I found out she made another dating profile... so then I couldn't trust her.

She had told me she was on the first profile (but then deactivated it when I mentioned it) because I pushed her away so badly that she felt alone.

This last conversation was last Saturday.

I was around her area and saw her car. I messaged her and asked if she was driving. I did not get a reply back.

I'm not sure where to go with this now. Sure, I miss her. We were best friends. We had known each other for a year. When she asked about the beach, she said she is 1000% committed but I don't see it. I was playing hard to get, wanting to have her ask me again.I was teasing, but she didn't know that. She is 'fragile'. This is her first relationship.
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I'm not sure if I should wait this out OR try to talk to her. She would like me to beg for her attention, because she said then it shows that I care, whereas when I am 'cold' and leave without saying anything, she says I don't care.

I just think I should wait it out like last time -- but last time, she said "I just wanted you to message me to know that you care!"
That is what is confusing. I am not so courageous to message her and have her 'reject' me. So I will wait for her. Maybe she needs space and time to think... OR, maybe she needs to me message her like she has always wanted. She always wanted me to message her first, but I never did.

I did message her asking if she was driving Monday night, but she has not replied. Is this the only message I should send? That is what is confusing -- she wants me to message her, but I did and she didn't reply. AND, she likes to think things through - so maybe she needs that. I'm not sure -- any advice?

The problem is - I feel so lonely... I feel like I haven't given our relationship my all. She said meeting her family was a big deal, and she was ready to take this relationship even further. But I didn't take this seriously... I couldn't trust her. But now as I read a book, everything positive he said, she had done. I just feel like I should have accepted her 'request for a second chance' instead of constantly bring up the date. I am kind of wanting to start all over like she wanted.

 

[zinc4]

So basically you could have banged her but elected to lame mind games instead and now list her....go figure.

It's thus simple....bang her as soon as possible... If net with much resistance move on to next girl...

Mind games like not holding her hand or declining dates acting hot/cold on purpose are for women...and so is not initiating sex for that matter.

 

[lover4721]

Nope, I couldn't have 'banged' her.

She was not ready. She said something like she was waiting until she was ready to have a kid, so that she would not need to worry about getting pregnant.

Her Mom drilled it into her head that there is a chance of getting pregnant. She is constantly begging to have her go on birth control. Another reason why I wanted to move on.
We had a total of 3 intimate moments. 2 being back to back day in May.

One being when I met her Father and went to his party.

Other than that, we did not have any intimacy which is why I pushed her away. It is not necessarily games, but unconsciously I wanted to move on... I didn't feel 'loved'. It was also the fact that my job had me crazy depressed, so I had no energy at all for her. However, we had great dates... The holding hand issue was because her rings had hurt my hand. So I let go. AND, she was being annoying by 1) telling me the girls that sat in front of us should move. "Why do they have to sit so close?" 2) the guy in the front was scaring her. I watched him the entire movie because he was sketchy.

She said the last two weeks were terrible, which was when I went cold, and then rejected her beach date. The beach is very important to her... she said 'let's just go! It could be the greatest time of our life." Then sent other messages like saying "Just say something!", "We can sleep alone!", "I just got in a fight with my Mom. I need you Billy, more than I need to breathe."
I was working... I couldn't reply, and I had no energy to 'love' her.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Perhaps you have no energy for this girl because deep down you don't really care about her?

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Nope, I couldn't have 'banged' her.

She was not ready. She said something like she was waiting until she was ready to have a kid, so that she would not need to worry about getting pregnant?

WTH, this makes no sense?

Run don't walk, this was just a summer fling without SEX?! Move on, re-read the bible and find a new chick.

 

[lover4721]

Nope, I couldn't have 'banged' her.

She was not ready. She said something like she was waiting until she was ready to have a kid, so that she would not need to worry about getting pregnant?

WTH, this makes no sense?

Run don't walk, this was just a summer fling without SEX?! Move on, re-read the bible and find a new chick.

Well, we met in November 2014. I knew she was a virgin, but very sexual. She is very sexual...

BUT, she mentioned to me that she wants sex, but really wants to wait until she is ready to have a child. Her Mom is crazy -- saying 'you should go on birth control!', etc.

I believe she said she was waiting only because she did not want to mention she was waiting on my 'full commitment'. She did say at one time that she was ready, but wanted her first time to be with someone who 'loved' her.
She supposedly loved me.
The days before the party (which was about 2-3 weeks ago from today) she said 'What, you don't think I want your d1ck?' I told her we needed more intimacy, which is why I felt the relationship was dying.
She just wanted sex after a commitment.

SO basically, yes, a fling without sex.

I messaged her saying I am ready to give us a chance to be happy (since I know she would have wanted a message like this). She said "I appreciate your apology but I moved on."

She seems to be copying the EXACT moves I made. Randomly not messaging.
So now I know this is back and forth games.

I never messaged her back. IF things are going to 'be', then she will need to straighten out. I gave her the chance, the chance I never gave her before, and she denied it. She can't find anyone else. I was her first relationship in her entire life. She has family divorce issues. She has mental issues. Never say never though, because her sorority sister hooked her up with some guy who wasn't into serious things. She only kissed him, and that was it. She came back to me, telling me that she went on a date, and realized that she made a mistake with breaking up with me. He didn't like chicken fingers, so that turned her off automatically. She came running back to me, asking for another chance. I denied entirely. UNTIL that party night, where I asked if we can return to an intimate couple. She smiled and nodded. Then we uhm, had oral.
Party came -- she said she was glad I came. Then I jokingly teased saying it wasn't for real, and we should not be in a commitment. Again, I over-played the game, thinking "I'm the prize, let her beg more."
Then she kept begging. Asked to go to the beach. I said no. She begged. Then I asked 'what beach' and then she said 'No I'm done.'

Go back to today, this is why I told her that I am ready to give us a second chance, because she always wanted this. And then I'll be leaving the responsibility and regret to her.

In November, we were great friends. We started dating in January.

So I agree, it is time to move on, and show her what she is missing. I read a book on trust, trustworthiness, etc. I learned from my mistakes. So I'll take this relationship as a lesson, and wait for whatever happens next.

She used to say "I can see my future with you. And you are ruining it!"
Then she said she came back last time because she thought of our future.

Does this sound like a game she is playing? Ignoring me, as I ignored her? She wanted to be friends if we didn't work out. IF she 'moved on', we would be friends, because I was a good influence to her. IF she is playing games, she will act cold, reject a second chance, and stop replying - exactly what I did.

I don't see how she can throw this away, since we got SO far. She even said introducing me to her family was a 'huge, very very big deal'.
So I feel as if I have importance to her life, and I know I did because she said so.
Enough of the rambling, this is just me writing down my thoughts on what happened so I can forget it.

Anyhow, I am good with relationships. But I definitely played my game too hard with her. I kept wanting her to try harder. This game got to my head.
I need to learn the difference.

Yes, I have oneitis for her because I feel like I could have trusted her a bit more, and now I know she was fully invested in us like she had said. It may be hard to tell from everyone else's view, but I do feel like she was committed. She said she was 1000% committed when she kept begging about the beach. So I do feel bad that I did not give her the chance, and I honestly don't feel like I gave the relationship my all. So I let her know that I'm ready to give us a second chance ( I will NOT stay around and wait...and she knows this very well.) so then it is her responsibility to reach out to me. She will feel bad for not giving me the chance after I go cold now.

 

[Tictac]

If you are not going to lead this woman, leave her alone.

All your analysis paralysis is about you being scared sh*tlss to actually do anything. She is a typical female full of self-contradictions and emotions. She was waiting for you to show her some strength. Instead you acted like a spine donor, reacting to her. No woman wants that.

 

[lover4721]

I am willing to 'lead her'. This is why I posted on here - I regret that I didn't. I did not know what I do today... I now understand things better, what happened, etc.

If she contacts me, what should I do? I read that I'm supposed to wait until she begs. However, if I do that, she will only think "He never changed. Back to ignoring me."
If I reply, it looks like I'm too easy.

Her and I are very similar in this way of analyzing everything. We are both stubborn. I leave this go for now, but I want to know how to react if she were to message me in the upcoming weeks.

 

[lover4721]

She deactivated her profile hours after I removed mine.
It's funny because she was not online for 5 days, and once I removed mine, she removed hers.
She stopped going online right when she moved back to college. So she probably needed a distraction, which she told me outright herself.
So I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see. I just didn't know if I should get back in touch after a while, OR go no-contact since we did this a few times before (maybe 3 over the course of the relationship, one was way in the beginning [which now reminds me she never did like my joking back then, which is why we had NC back in November], one in the middle, and then one where she cried in her car and just left).

So if we resolved issues by going NC, is it possible to work again?
I don't know.

 

[Tictac]

She deactivated her profile hours after I removed mine.
It's funny because she was not online for 5 days, and once I removed mine, she removed hers.
She stopped going online right when she moved back to college. So she probably needed a distraction, which she told me outright herself.
So I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see. I just didn't know if I should get back in touch after a while, OR go no-contact since we did this a few times before (maybe 3 over the course of the relationship, one was way in the beginning [which now reminds me she never did like my joking back then, which is why we had NC back in November], one in the middle, and then one where she cried in her car and just left).

So if we resolved issues by going NC, is it possible to work again?
I don't know.

______

You are following her lead like a puppy.

Learn the lesson, blank this woman from your mind and move on.

You are wasting your time and hers.

And unless you learn how not to do stuff like this, it will happen again and again.

 

[lover4721]

______

You are following her lead like a puppy.

Learn the lesson, blank this woman from your mind and move on.

You are wasting your time and hers.

And unless you learn how not to do stuff like this, it will happen again and again.

I understand. She was my best friend... we were both great friends. How is it so easy to blank her from my mind? It is not like we have only known each other for 1 day.

What is difficult is that we had gotten so far. I met her Dad's side of the family and it was amazing. I befriended her dad. We talked and it was great. I enjoyed the party. It is something I want to do with my family. So it's difficult to remove that bundle of memory.