What is wrong with me?

[Dogfather]

Hi guys.

I am new on this forum. I have a serious problem with women on very basic level and I hope this is the right place to look for help.

I'm 25 years old. I go to clubs often to meet women. But when I see a hot chick flirting with me, I totally freeze up. Now this is not normal nervousness that normal guys have! Trust me, it's more serious.

I have been researching this problem for years. I read many books, articles, forums,... I tried alcohol, self-hypnosis,... nothing helps. When it's time for action, these things cross my mind: "I can't do it. That is just not me. I don't have the skills. It would be ridiculous." I really tried hard to ignore these "voices" and just do it, but I am always completely paralyzed.

I know I don't have fear of rejection, like many books say. I also don't have problems with confidence. Recently I read "Without Embarrassment" from Mike Pilinski. He says that I am subconsciously ashamed to show that I want a woman. This could be true.

Does anybody know what is wrong with me and how could I solve this? Please help!

 

[animal crackers]

Reading more and more will only make it worse. Honestly I suggest you just force yourself to make interactions with as many people as humanly possible for the next few months.

Your problem probably comes down to caring what other people think. If you didn't care what others thought you would go after what you want.

And if you think your nervousness is WORSE than others you're probably wrong. Other people are just better at hiding it than you are. Other people actually have faced their fears and realized that they survived.

You'll be fine man. Stop reading stuff. I'm serious. It'll put way too much pressure on you if you think you KNOW everything.

Realize that the only way to really learn all this human interaction stuff is to actually interact with other people.

 

[quest]

get your closest friend, practise flirting on him.

once your good at flirting with him you can practise kissing him.

and you can move on from there at any speed you want.

i went
he blows me
i blow him
i do him
he does me.

but i've heard of people doing

i do him
he blows me
i blow him
he does me.

you've gotto find whats right for you.

DUDE! did you have problems talking to girls when you were 6?

if you could talk to girls when your were 6. WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU NOW!?

you're not going to find that answer in a book.

put the book down.

you don't win friends with salad. give the girls some meat!

 

[Skel]

people are normally nervous driving the first time. They learn to drive and it becomes natural to them.

 

[john_x]

HUIHIUGUI

(quoted)

Let me share with you a little secret about how all men's brains - including YOURS - is wired when approaching woman.

Have you ever thought to yourself, WHY do I get nervous or anxious when approaching a woman? After all, if you approach 5 or 6 new women every day, if you could be absolutely fearless and confident with women, your love and sex life would probably explode. So why would you get nervous and anxious at all -- seems like your brain isn't doing what's best for you does it?

Just take me, for example. Normally, I can approach any women, anytime, anywhere. Even if I screw an approach up, I usually feel fine about it and it doesn't stop me from making the next one.

However, last weekend I was at one of my sister's parties. The place was packed with single girls. Yet when I saw a girl I liked, I would freeze up and this little voice in my head would tell me, "What if you screw up... maybe you shouldn't do this... be careful!"

I just couldn't get that little voice out of my head and I left the party after only an hour because I was getting frustrated with myself.

So how come I could approach an anonymous woman on the street who I'll probably never see again, and yet feel anxious about approaching a woman at one of my sister's parties?

The answer lies in how humans evolved. For most of history, men and women lived in small groups of hunters and gatherers of no more than 100 individuals. If you made a move on ANY woman - and she rejected your advances - EVERYONE would know about it. And that would mean MASSIVE negative social proof with all of your potential mates. Because if one woman rejected you, you'd look like a loser to ALL of the other women you could mate with. You'd seriously jeopardize your ability to ever get laid again and have children.

So your shyness and nervousness is actually a DEFENSE to protect you from looking like a reject in the tribal setting. And that's why, when my sister and her friends were watching me that night at the party, I FROZE UP. After all, if I screwed my approach up with any girl, my sister and ALL of her friends would have seen me - and that would have looked really bad!

However, in today's world we DON'T live in small bands of hunters and gatherers. We DON'T have to worry about one rejection influencing all of the other females (potential mates) we know. In fact, in today's world, when we have the opportunity to approach a woman, we're COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS. We can screw up badly and there are ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES!

So we've spent millions of years adapting to an environment where rejection from a girl could mean disastrous consequences - and only in the last few hundred years has the situation completely changed. In other words, what was once a useful strategy for being genetically successful (ie. being cautious when approaching women) is no longer a successful genetic strategy at all!

In today's modern society of anonymity, being nervous, shy, or cautious is DISASTROUS as far as getting laid. Shyness is a computer program in your brain, evolved over millions of years, that is meant to help you and protect you -- but now only hinders you. Times have changed, but your brain hasn't.

 

[iveyleeger]

john_x: that is good. but what's the fix?

 

[john_x]

the only thing to fear is fear its self,,u can only find the fix within you,personally i learnt to enjoy the fear, is a hype, all sense's are are there highest,, every one finds there own way,, but just knowing that its not just YOU,, and rather an out of date instinct should give u the erge to literally want to kick it in the teeth and get on with your life
the way you want!
good luck

 

[nishbuk]

Okay, I used to be not that far off from where you are right now, so take it from an RAFC, you...will...get...there!

I'll bet that you don't love yourself. You're probably so self-conscious, and not approving of who you are, so you look to others for approval. You can't stand it when there is someone that doesn't like you, and you take it personally. You need everyone's approval. Well, it's time to cut that **** out. Cause let me tell you, I was there, and I was in denial about it, but it is one of the most self-destructive attitudes that you can have.Furthermore, when you think about gaining the approval of others, you FEAR the dis-approval! And that will stop you in your tracks in almost every endeavor in your life. But this is not power! This is not how you were supposed to live!

Learn to love yourself. If you can't love yourself in your present state (for whatever reason), then MAKE YOURSELF BETTER. And remember the ONLY person that has to approve of you, IS YOU.
You can do it! It's possible!
Not happy with your weight? GET OUT THERE AND EXCERSIZE! Don't feel like it? TOO BAD, DO IT!

Not happy with your life goals? Well sit down, and do some real searching. What is it you want to do with your life?
Then, do everything in your power to make that happen. EVERYTHING!

Not happy with your grades or performance at work? THEN PUT IN THE TIME TO LIVE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS.

Do whatever it takes to to improve yourself so that you are happy with yourself.
You must, and I say must, be happy with yourself if you want to succeed in this world. I'm slowly learning here, just as you are, that the secret to getting women isn't learning how to do a bunch of tactics and tricks, and "wanting them", and then using it to gain their approval.
The secret is NOT GIVING A F**K what women think about you. THAT'S what's attractive.
It's LEARNING TO BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF FIRST. Then the women will fall into place when you make an effort to talk to them because you don't give two ****s what they think about you. When you ask them out, because you KNOW who you are, you are SURE of yourself and you are HAPPY with yourself, you will come across as confident, and that is SEXY to women. You don't need their approval.

If you've been through countless readings, and countless other sources to try and help you, well then the problem is clear. You just need to take action. I want you to do something...it's this thing called the Sosuave DJ Bootcamp.
Seriously, you really need to do this.

Here's the link:
http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/djbc.pdf

Now I'm going to give the link again because I don't want you to skip this. DO IT. (I'm doing it quite soon...)

Here's the link:
http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/djbc.pdf

You need to improve yourself to your own liking. You could be the greatest guy in the world to everyone else, but if you are not truly satisfied with yourself, then it's not good enough, and it doesn't mean a DAMN. You have to be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with someone else. Please for your own sake...do the bootcamp. And put down the books, put down the magazines, and turn off the computer, and get out there (during the day) and do it.

 

[Dogfather]

Thank you guys for all replies, you are very friendly.

Animal crackers, you are right. No more reading for me, it only puts me under pressure.

John_x, I agree. I am much less nervous if I am alone with a woman.

Nishbuk, I did the process of "improving and liking myself" years ago.

So basically, to gradually kill my fear I have to interact with people, especially hot women, as much as possible, no matter what happens. Will be done.