What I did wrong & the recovery process

[MillerMan]

Recently broke up with my gf of over 2 years. See this post for a review-http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=108833
I’ve had a few days to analyze what I did and why I did it with a clear head. I was working on way too much instinct when I actually broke up with her. Not that it was bad but I fully didn’t realize why I was doing it until later. I just knew something wasn’t right. Going off gut.

I need to air all of this out and Id like it to be part of public record. Open for commentary. Ill eventually voice all of this to her but right now I need to keep the lines of communication closed for her benefit and mine.

Now some of you will say I should just forget about it and get on with life and go bang lots more chicks and blah blah blah. Ill get to all that but first whats needed is some deep self analysis. Why I did what I did, why I feel like I do, what I can do in the future to prevent this. This is what I believe to be the first step to healing, learning something from this and eventually becoming a better person for it. What I have figured out is that I didn’t actually love her. I had fallen love with something though. It was potential.

I had fallen in love with who I thought she would be when it was time to commit and when that moment came I realized she would never get there and that I had no right to expect her to change.

Every thing I come into contact with that I have any amount of control over I look at with the idea that I can change it. Nothing is unmodifiable. Anything can be tweaked, tuned, shaped or rearranged to suit my needs. Wood becomes furniture, metal becomes tool, stone becomes art. And yeah, I have a penchant for taking on too many projects at once. Being an Aries does not help.

When I first met her I actually said to myself "I will make this girl my girlfriend". So I did. She was in a relationship at the time but looking to get out so it wasn’t that hard (I know, red flag). At that time she was about 80% of what I wanted in a mate (With my current standards she would rate about 50%). Subconsciously I created a fantasy of what she would be like in a few years. This came crumbling down when it was time to either commit or leave her behind. Relocation for employment is what brought this on. I had to take some serious stock of who she was and if I really wanted to be with her and I decided to end it. She wasn’t going to miraculously change into the person I wanted to be with. Nothing I could do was going to get her there. I was going to end up being unhappy with her and eventually unfaithful.

Change needs to come from the inside. I am not willing to change for anybody but myself. I expected her to change for herself to suit my needs. My mistake.

Right now I’m a little more bitter than normal. A little louder. Hungrier. Like I’ve got more zest for life but with an angry edge to it. Ready for change. Beard, new tattoo, who knows. Take myself off the market. I’ve got enough things me to keep me busy for a while. I’m going outside.

 

[jester1x]

What you said is quite thoughtful and very true. I am in a similar situation with a woman and have come to the same realization as you.

I still have fairly regular contact with her, but realize we are just meant to be friends. (I knew her as a friend before we actually starting dating.) I saw so much potential in her and still do, but feel she'll never realize or attain it. She is actually a lovely person in many ways, but doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. (The lack of it in her life.) She is always looking towards someone else which is a mistake that she can't see or is unable to confront. She keeps repeating her past mistakes. I see it and have tried to tell her in many, many ways, but she seems to think her way will work.

I'll always care for her, but see how it will never be the way I want it between us. She gives the most to those who really care the least for her. How ironic! I'm not bitter, but just burned out. Now, I've learned you have to gauge a women's real, true interest in you by their actions towards you and not what they say. Believe what you see...

My attitude now towards women and relationships is much more ambivalent. If I don't actually see any real signs of interest from a woman, I essentially ignore them from that point on. If a woman is truly interested in you, she will most definitely let you know in some manner.

Alright, enough from me...MillerMan...there are some women out there who actually live up to their potential.

 

[MillerMan]

Her interest level with me was huge. "I love you" huge. Mine was not. What I did was totally AFC. Instead of dumping her the second she displayed any of the behavior I disliked I continued seeing her. She was already there and hoping she would change into the woman of my dreams was alot easier than stepping out of my comfort zone and persuing said woman of my dreams. Her couch was comfy, her bed warm, my delusions plentiful.

Swampwiz, note that I said "new tattoo" not "a tattoo" and understand the difference. As for the beard Ive had one before and it seems to help where Im at. Gives a more rugged appearance Id guess.

 

[Heretolearn]

I think that my last g/f was a similar situation, but I cut it a lot quicker. The one thing I don't tolerate is low interest level (although if I'm getting laid on regular basis, I'll stick with it.)

I would not get a tattoo. I would think that a high class person would look upon someone who has a tattoo as being low class. OR if you do get one, make sure it is the kind that is temporary, not permanent. The beard is great idea. I grew one after I got dumped by a chick and kept until the grey started making me look old. Of course, a beard sets you out of the mainstream a bit, and some chicks may find it unnattractive. But I'd go and do it for a few months, since you are taking a pause in your dating life.

I appreciate your personal opinion yet must point out society has changed dramtically! Good tattoos are art and arguably A HIGH status *class symbol, if done well! Done well means either or both
i) very creative, artistic and stylish
ii) with a fantastic meaning *to the individual with a tattoo

'Class' has changed.


* note, Tattoos for men generally though as I see tattoos as masculine. Not saying a woman could not pull it off but for me on the RAREST occasion